No, I’m not okay. I’m a mess. I’m falling apart. I’m a terrible person. “I went to ice my shoulder.” Great, now I’m lying to my best friend.
“Is it bothering you?”
“For a while now. Nothing major.”
She nods. “Maybe I should ice, too. Hang on a sec. Let me grab a bag for the car ride to the diner.”
“No!” I grab her arm. Noah’s still in there. If she sees him, she’ll know I wasn’t icing.
Her face scrunches in confusion. “What’s up with you?”
“I don’t want to keep Tucker waiting. He’s probably already at the diner.”
She smiles, forgetting my little outburst. “Eek!” Her shriek is ear-piercing. “Don’t want to keep him waiting too long.” She takes off, dragging me with her.
Ash has his car pulled up to the courts. “Tucker’s on his way.”
I hop in the front, and Grayson gets in the back seat.
“You’re still in uniform,” Ash says, eying her in the rearview mirror.
“I know. Tucker mentioned he thought our skirts were cute.”
“So what took you so long to get ready?”
Oh, Ash. Wrong question.
Grayson goes off on the primping rituals of the teenage girl. Ash looks to me for help, but I laugh. It’s too funny to intervene. Besides, laughing at Gray and Ash takes my mind off Noah and how close he came to kissing me. Was he right? Would I have let him do it? Would I have kissed him back? I don’t know, and the thought makes me sick to my stomach.
Ash reaches for my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. “You okay? You got quiet all of a sudden.”
“Yeah, I’m replaying a few things in my head.”
“Coach tells us we should replay the games in our heads, too. It helps you figure out what you did well and what you did wrong.”
Yeah, like how not pushing Noah away was wrong. I can’t find a single thing I did that was right. Maybe telling Noah I had plans with Ash tonight, but that seems so minor in comparison.
I’m barely there through dinner, not that anyone really notices with Grayson giving us the play by play of her match. Tucker says he bought a tennis video game and invites Grayson over to play it after we finish here. She’s all smiles.
We say our goodbyes, and Grayson goes with Tucker back to his house to play video games or whatever else they might do. I don’t really want to think about it.
“Want to go to the mountaintop again?” Ash asks.
Can I really pretend everything’s fine after what almost happened? Guilt is tearing at my insides. I didn’t cheat, but was Noah the reason why? It sounds crazy, but he stopped the kiss. He initiated it and stopped it from happening. I can’t let him affect me like this anymore. I have to set him straight. I won’t feel better until I do. “I’m not sure I’m feeling so great.”
“You’re not sure?” He glances at me before turning back to the road. “Was it something you ate?”
“No, I just don’t feel like myself.”
“You beat Kendra, didn’t you?”
“Kendall. Her name’s Kendall.”
“Right. She’s your toughest competition. You should be ready to celebrate.”
“I’m kind of tired. Wiped from the match.”
“You want me to take you home?” He couldn’t sound more disappointed.
I’m ruining everything. It doesn’t matter how I feel. I have to pull it together for Ash. “You know, you’re right. Let’s go do something.”
He smiles. “Great. What do you have in mind?”
“Any parties going on tonight?”
“Nah. We have school in the morning. But…” He makes a sharp left, and I have to grab the door handle to keep from sliding in my seat. “Sorry. Last minute decision.”
“Where are we going?”
“To play darts.” Ash and darts. Good thing I like to play.
“Cool, but where?”
“Liz’s house. She has three dartboards in her basement. It’s great for tournaments.”
My heart jumps to my throat. “Liz Mathews? The freshman?”
“Yeah. Why does it bug you that she’s a freshman? Do you have something against freshmen?”
Yeah, the way they steal my boyfriends. “How do you know she has three dartboards in her basement? How do you know where she lives?” Has he been to her house? I can’t help thinking of the way she looked at Ash at Jackson’s party. I wouldn’t doubt she invited him over, that she’s trying to hook up with him. She obviously didn’t give a damn about me when she was waving and batting her eyelashes at Ash.
He shrugs. “She told me.”
“You two talk a lot?” Is this my punishment for what’s going on with Noah? Am I going to lose Ash to Liz? Am I doomed to relive sophomore year with Derrick? Now I really do feel sick.
“A little at practice. She’s nice. She saw me playing darts at Jackson’s party and told me about her basement. She said I’m welcome anytime.”
I bet she said that. I’ve seen the way she looks at Ash, like she wants to devour him. My nails dig into my palms as I squeeze my hands into fists. “I don’t want to go to Liz’s house.”
“Why not? Meg, what’s going on?”
“Can you pull over?” I stare out my window, not wanting to look at him right now. Tears fill my eyes.
Ash pulls into the parking lot for the used tire shop. It’s closed, so we’re the only ones there. He cuts the engine and unhooks his seat belt. “Meg, look at me.” He gently takes my arm, tugging it toward him.
I turn, barely able to see him through the tears that are pooling in my eyes.
He pulls me to him, kissing the top of my head and stroking my hair. How can I even think Ash would cheat on me or be tempted by Liz? He loves me. He always puts me first. I’m the one screwing up. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve to be in this relationship. I cry harder, dotting his shirt with my tears. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”
No, it won’t. Because I don’t think I can make Noah go away. I don’t want Noah to go away. But I don’t want to lose Ash either. If I don’t make a decision soon, I’m going to lose them both.
“Please, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
I lift my head. “Don’t hang out with Liz,” I blurt out.
His brow furrows. “Liz? Why not?”
“Please, just don’t. I don’t trust her. I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
Ash shakes his head. “Liz doesn’t look at me as anything but a friend. We even joke around and refer to her as my little sister. She calls me ‘big bro’. There’s nothing going on there.”
My God, it’s worse than I thought. “Ash,” I sit up in my seat, “don’t you see? That’s all a game. She’s totally into you. She’s flirting with you.”
“Why would she call me her big brother if she’s into me? That doesn’t make sense.”
“That’s what stupid freshmen girls do. They play games. She knows you’re with me, and by calling you her big brother,” I can’t help making air quotes, “she’s making it okay to hang all over you. I’m telling you, she likes you.”
He leans back against his door. “I don’t get you, Meg. You hang out with Noah, who you know likes you, and you think that’s okay. I’m supposed to deal with him being at your matches and taking you to a water park, but you can’t handle me being friends with Liz?”
“It’s different!” My voice is shaky and high-pitched.
“You’re right. Because Liz doesn’t like me like that. Noah’s clearly into you. He’s totally disrespecting me in front of everyone, but you don’t seem to care.”
“That’s not true.” I’m shaking now, not knowing how to get out of this situation.
“Which part? Him liking you and disrespecting me, or you not caring?”
“Ash.” I reach for him, but he pulls away. “You know I love you.”
“Yeah, well you have a funny way of showing it. Usually it’s the guy you’re in love with that you hug
after you win a big match.”
“You weren’t there.” Damn, that didn’t come out right.
“So, you think it’s okay to be with him when I’m not around? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No. I—” I don’t know how to make this better. My hands are shaking so much I’m getting freaked out by them. I unclick my seat belt and throw myself at Ash. I’m on his lap, kissing his cheeks and then his lips. But he doesn’t kiss me back. His arms remain at his sides, not touching me. I keep kissing him, pulling him closer to me so our bodies are pressed up against one another. Finally, he gives in. His hands clench my back. His lips leave mine and trail down my neck. His fingers creep up my shirt. And then, he stops.
“What?” I’m staring at him, waiting for him to pick up where he left off, but he doesn’t.
“Please get up, Meg.”
“Why? What’s wrong?” I don’t move, so he lifts me off him and puts me back in my seat.
“All of this is wrong. You know I want this, but it’s not happening like this. I don’t want to remember our first time as being angry make-up sex because we’re both jealous of other people.”
I sigh, leaning my head back against the seat. He’s right. I don’t need any more bad memories to add to the pile. Derrick left me with enough. I’ve always been thankful that none of them had to do with sex. At least not between him and me. I’m sure he and Stacy…
“What do we do?” I ask.
He turns my chin so I’m facing him. “I want you to stop seeing Noah. I’m not okay with him liking you.”
I don’t know if I can do that, but if it means keeping Ash and getting him away from Liz, I’m going to try. “Then I want you to stop seeing Liz.”
“There’s nothing going on there.”
“Yes, there is, Ash. I know there is.”
“Where is this coming from?” He’s one of the few people who doesn’t know about Derrick. At least I don’t think he does. I’ve been dragging the hurt around for two years, but I don’t talk about it.
“Please, just trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I know girls like her.”
“She’s really—”
I hold my hand up to stop him. “Don’t defend her to me. You’ll only make this worse. It’s Noah for Liz. Plain and simple.” I can’t believe we’re bargaining with people like this. What does this say about our relationship?
“Fine. I’ll do just about anything to get that guy away from you.”
“You won’t talk to Liz anymore?” I want to make sure he’s clear on this.
“Talk to her? I thought you didn’t want me to hang out with her. I see her every day. I’m going to have to talk to her.”
“Are you okay with me talking to Noah?” I’m playing dirty, but I’m desperate. Despite my strange relationship with Noah, I really do love Ash. Losing him would destroy me.
“Honestly? No. I don’t want him even looking at you.”
“Ash, you can’t—”
“I know.” He smacks the steering wheel. Ash has a lot of amazing qualities, but he does have a temper, too. “No talking, to Noah or Liz.”
“Deal.” I only know one way to go through with this plan. I have to pour myself into this relationship. Focus so fully on Ash that the rest of the world slips away, including Noah. “Can I please kiss you now?”
Ash pulls me back onto his lap the second I finish getting the words out.
Chapter Eleven
During last period study hall, I take a seat in the back corner of the library behind the stacks, hoping that if Noah shows up, he won’t see me. I put my ear buds in and set my iPod to shuffle. I can’t concentrate on the history term paper I’m supposed to be writing. I’m thinking about my plans for the weekend. Ash has a pre-game party tonight with the football team, so Grayson and I are going to a movie. The football game is Saturday morning, and then Ash and I will be together for the rest of the weekend.
“What are you listening to?” Noah asks, coming up behind me and whispering in my ear. He gently tugs on my ear bud, removing it from my ear and putting it up to his. He’s so close I can smell the soap on his skin. I breathe in a little too deeply, judging by the look he gives me. Crap. Caught smelling someone who isn’t my boyfriend. Someone I’m not supposed to be talking to or hanging out with.
“I have to get moving on my history paper.” I shut off my iPod, yanking the other ear bud out.
“What’s it on? Maybe I can help.” He’s not getting it.
“No, I’ve got it. Thanks. I just need some space so I can concentrate.”
He reaches for my hand, brushing my palm with his fingertips the way he always does. It’s such a small thing, but it has a huge effect on me. “You cold?” My arms are covered in goose bumps from his touch.
I pull my hand away. “I can’t.” I hope he understands what I mean.
“Can’t what?” He’s going to make me say it.
“Do this anymore.” I keep my voice low, not wanting anyone to overhear.
“This? What’s this?”
“Whatever it is we’re doing.” My eyes plead with him. He’s the stronger of the two of us. I need him to pull away.
“What are we doing, Meg?” He steps closer, and I can smell a faint scent of cinnamon on his breath. I love cinnamon.
“I don’t know, but it has to stop. I promised Ash.”
“Oh.” He doesn’t move away. “Does he know about the trainer’s office?”
“No.” My eyes widen. Noah wouldn’t tell Ash, would he?
“Relax. Nothing happened anyway, right?”
A lot happened. I found out my attraction to Noah is bigger than I thought. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you right now.”
“He asked you not to talk to me anymore?” He sounds hurt, and it tears at my heart.
“Yes.”
He nods and looks away. “I guess I should leave you to your history paper then.”
Just like that? No fight? No attempt to make me see he’s the better choice for me?
He turns to leave, but stops. “If you ever decide you do want me around, I’m here. I’ll be here.”
He really does care about me. It’s not some game of going after the girl with a boyfriend to see if he can get her. He genuinely cares about me.
“Noah.” I don’t even realize I say his name until he turns to face me. More than anything I want to split myself in two so I can be with Ash and Noah. I like them both. I can’t help it and I know it’s wrong, but I do.
“Say the word, Meg. Nothing against Ash, but I don’t give a damn what he wants. If you want me in your life, I’m here for you.” He takes one step toward me. “Just say the word.”
My heart pounds. My head says I should keep my mouth shut and let him walk away, but he looks so hopeful that I’ll ask him to stay.
“I don’t want to lose either one of you.” It’s the most honest answer I can give.
One side of his mouth curves up. “I don’t share, Meg.”
Isn’t that what he’s doing now, though? Sharing my attention with Ash. He hasn’t seemed to mind yet.
“At least not for long. At some point, you have to make a decision. All I need to know is if I should bother to fight for you.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who has guys fighting over her.
“So, should I?” He moves closer, and I’m thankful we’re hidden in the back of the library where no one can see us. His hand reaches for my cheek. “This would be so much easier if you let me kiss you. You can tell a lot from one kiss.”
“I can’t cheat on Ash. I’ve been cheated on before. I know how much it hurts.” I lower my eyes, not knowing why I’m sharing this with him. “I won’t do that to anyone, especially Ash.”
“I have a feeling Ash would consider what we’re doing now cheating. Maybe we haven’t kissed, but we’ve hung out behind his back, and we’ve shared more than a few moments I think he’d object to.” He brushes his finger across my lips. “I mean, how would
you feel if he was doing this with Liz right now?”
The words cut through me like a blade. Noah knows about Liz liking Ash? “Have you seen them together?” I have to know. Is Ash hanging out with Liz behind my back? Would he do that?
His face falls, like he’s disappointed by my jealousy. “She likes him,” is his only answer.
I nod. Liz has made her attraction to Ash known. Hell, she even made it known at Jackson’s party when I was in Ash’s arms. “He said he’ll stop talking to her if I—”
“Stop seeing me?” Were we seeing each other? Is that what he thinks? “We’re not in the same situation they are. We know we like each other. Ash isn’t sure how he feels about Liz.”
I squint at him, wondering why he thinks he knows my boyfriend so well. “How do you know all this? Are you watching him or something?”
“I can read people really well. That’s why I started talking to you in the first place. I could tell you liked me the first time we ran into each other at the courts.”
“Really? Then why didn’t you know I’ve had a crush on you for two years?” It was supposed to prove he isn’t so good at reading people, but instead, it solidifies his point.
“I kind of had a feeling that was the case. We don’t hang out in the same social circles so I was never close enough to you to figure it out before we started practicing together.” He reaches for both my hands, not caring about my deal with Ash at all. “I’m right here. You can have me if that’s what you want. But Ash is right. You need to make a decision.”
Ash never told me to make a decision. He told me not to talk to Noah. Is there a decision to be made? Are my feelings for Noah that strong? That real?
Noah lifts my fingers to his lips and lightly kisses them. “Think about it.” He walks away, leaving my heart racing and an ache the size of the school in my gut.
I grab my books off the table and run to Ash’s locker. I need to do two things. First, make sure Liz isn’t at Ash’s locker with him. And second, kiss Ash like I’ve never kissed him before. Noah is right. The chemistry between us is too strong to let this go on. I have to end things with him and choose Ash for good. It’s the only way to make this better. To get Liz out of Ash’s life for good. I have to show him he doesn’t need her. With Derrick, dating freshman Stacy had been all about his ego. It made him feel like a man. Sure, when you’re comparing yourself to someone younger, it’s easy to feel more mature. I have to make Ash feel like a man.
Perfect For You Page 7
