He was the youngest, and therefore, my mother’s favorite. I knew it, but I didn’t care. They were close and loved spending time together.
“That’s very nice of you, sweetheart,” my Mom said, the love shining in her eyes as she looked at him.
I looked around at my family again, my heart filling with gratitude for everything I still had in my life. Marisa’s face would always haunt me, but we all had to go on.
CHAPTER EIGHT
George
There’s no smell in the world like hay and horse shit. As I cleaned up the stalls of our six horses, I inhaled as much of it as I could. It was my favorite thing to smell in the world, right next to burying my nose in one of the horse’s fur.
Renegade and Rusty were Mom and Dad’s horses, and they were both huge chestnut quarterhorses. Black Jack is a sixteen hand black mustang, and he’s Crit’s. Blue is Jesse’s blue roan and Shiloh is a buckskin Arabian that belongs to Seth. And the prettiest, most awesome horse in the barn belongs to me - Cherokee. He’s a fifteen-hand, black and white tobiano paint, and I’ve had him since he was born ten years ago. He was the coolest thing I had ever seen then, and he’s only gotten better. Besides Ruby and Finn, he’s my next closest friend.
I was finishing his stall when Finn walked in.
“Hey, George,” he said, his southern drawl always present. All of the Haggard boy’s accents were so thick, you wouldn’t be able to understand them if you weren’t from around these parts.
“Hey, Finn,” I replied.
“How you holding up today?” he asked. And that’s what I loved about Finn - he never asked me how I was, because obviously, I was fucking awful, but instead he added the word ‘today’ to his question, which made it so much more bearable and didn’t ignore all the pain I was going through.
“Okay, I guess,” I replied, “trying to stay busy.”
“Anything I can help with?” he asked. Finn had been coming over several times a week, always offering a helping hand, and I had been thankful for his company.
My entire life had been split in half when my parents died. Everything was now referred to as ‘then and now’ or ‘before and after’. So much had changed and everything felt different. Sometimes, it seemed like I was just floating through the days, my feet never touching the ground, with nothing to anchor me to the Earth. I found it next to impossible to connect with anyone.
The only two that I was able to find some sort of connection with had turned out to be Cherokee and Finn.
Neither of them demanded anything from me. They didn’t ask a bunch of prying questions, like every one else had. Even Ruby had been irritating me, her questions growing more detailed every day, as if she was writing a story about the worst night of my life or something.
But Finn didn’t do any of that. He hadn’t once asked me how it happened or anything like that. I mean, sure it was public knowledge that the driver of the semi had fallen asleep, crossed the median and hit my parent’s car. The semi had barely missed the Haggard’s car. They had managed to stop and miss all the wreckage, but by the time they got to my parent’s bodies, it was too late. They had stayed with my parents until the coroner took them away and then driven back to the cabin, woke us all up, and broke the news to us in person.
I didn’t remember much after that. The next few days were a huge blur, and my memories of the funeral are like snapshots of someone else’s life.
I hadn’t really felt like I was inhabiting my body since then.
That’s why I hadn’t thought too much about Lee, I guess. What he had done to me had paled in comparison to my folks dying, and when he did pop up in my head, I just pushed the thought of him away. The last few days it had been harder to do, though. And, for some reason, Finn’s arrival today was only serving to bring Lee’s face front and center. It didn’t help that he looked almost exactly like him.
“I got most everything done. You want to go for a ride?” I asked. I had been going on a lot of rides with Cherokee lately. We’d ride out to the creek that bordered our land and Cherokee would walk through it like a champ. Nothing fazed him, and he didn’t flinch at the wet rocks and rushing water. From there, we’d climb up the hill that lead to our property boundary, and then we’d enter the lush forested land of old man LaCroix.
Olly LaCroix was a cranky eighty year-old man who had been born and raised here in Sugar Hill, Texas. He owned a hundred and fifty acres of forested land with a big, white farmhouse smack dab in the middle of it, that he claimed to have been born in. The farmhouse was once the fanciest house in town, but now it stood empty and crumbling to the ground as LaCroix spent his last remaining days at the old folk’s home up the street. His wife had died twenty years ago and he had even outlived his only son, Clyde.
With no other heirs, and nobody to take care of it, the land and house were left vacant.
Cherokee and I spent many hours roaming his land, winding in and out of the trees. I loved getting lost in the maze of swaying pine trees. The muffled quiet of the forest was soothing, especially now, when I spent most of my time trying to keep my head from spinning. I couldn’t wait to escape today, and although I wanted to go alone, I felt like I should invite Finn, since he was standing right there.
He had been so nice. It wasn’t his fault he looked like his asshole brother.
“Sure, that sounds good. I’ll get Moses saddled and be right back,” he said.
“Okay, cool. I’ll get Cherokee ready and meet you at the fence in half an hour,” I replied, just as my stomach began growling. “I’ll make some sandwiches, too.”
“Sounds good, but —,”
“— I know, no pickles,” I interrupted. Finn laughed, gave me a thumbs up and walked out of the barn. Finn was known for his hatred of pickles ever since he ate a whole jar of them and threw up all over his mother when he was a toddler.
I picked up the wooden handles of the overflowing wheelbarrow of horseshit, wheeled it outside and dumped it in the pile behind the barn. It never ceased to amaze me that people paid good money for this stuff. But it was true that you could get the best tasting vegetables out of a pile of shit.
I went back in the house, showered and packed a few lunches for me and Finn. Cherokee was grazing lazily in the lower pasture and picked his head up when he saw me coming, swishing his tail in greeting as I approached. The welcome peacefulness fell over me as I slid my hand down his neck and inhaled the warm, Earthy scent of him. He always smelled the same. And it always comforted me.
“Wanna go for a ride, boy?” I whispered, slipping a red halter over his head. He shook his head and nudged me with his nose as I fastened the buckle near his temple. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
I threw his lead rope over my shoulder and walked back to the barn. He followed along at my side, keeping a steady stride without me having to do anything but lead.
By the time I had him saddled up and I rode up to Finn, I was five minutes late. Finn was waiting patiently astride Moses at the gate of the fence that connected our families properties.
“Sorry I’m late,” I muttered, as he turned Moses and led him through the gate. I followed through, jumped off Cherokee, closed the gate, and pulled myself back in the saddle before catching up to Finn.
We walked silently side-by-side for a moment, before I turned my head and looked at him.
Finn was definitely maturing and growing into himself. He had been thin and boyish for so long, it was a surprise to see that he was beginning to grow muscles. Toned biceps stretched under the t-shirt he was wearing, and his thighs were more defined in his Wranglers than I remembered. Looking at him now, and seeing that even his usually short hair was starting to grow long, with little curls peeking out under his straw cowboy hat, I realized I hadn’t really looked at him in a while.
He caught me staring at him.
“What?” he asked.
“Nothing. Just looking at you. You growing your hair out?” I asked.
“Yeah, I guess. Why not?” he s
aid, turning away from me. I could have sworn I saw him blush, but it was probably just the heat.
“It looks good,” I said.
“Thanks,” he muttered, the flush deepening.
We walked in silence to the creek, and after a little squirmish episode with Moses as we coaxed him across the water, we went up the hill and entered LaCroix’s forest.
After winding through the trees quietly for an hour, we made it back to the creek for lunch. We let the horses loose to get a drink, and sat on a log to eat.
“Did you hear about LaCroix?” Finn asked.
“No, what?” I hadn’t been keeping up on the town gossip so much.
“He took a turn for the worse. He’s in hospice now. Guess he’s gonna die all alone in there.”
“Oh,” I replied, immediately thinking about my parents. Were they lucky they had died the way they did? Quickly, without some long drawn out illness or just old age? Or was it worse because they were deprived of their old age? Deprived of the opportunity to draw their last breath surrounded by loved ones?
Tears filled my eyes, and I looked away.
“Shit, George. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Finn said.
“No, no, it’s okay, Finn, I’m alright,” I said, wiping my tears away. “I guess everything’s still just a little raw.”
“Of course,” he whispered.
“How are things with you?” I asked, hoping to turn the conversation a different direction. I was so tired of thinking about my own misery.
“Okay, I guess. The usual,” he replied.
“How’s your family?” I asked. “You’ve all been so nice to us.”
Except Lee, I thought to myself, feeling a sharp stab in my gut as his face flashed in my mind, the feel of his hand sliding down the front of my pants coming back to me.
“It’s the least we can do, George,” Finn replied, turning to look at me. “We’re okay. Haven’t seen much of Lee lately, but everyone else is okay.”
Finn’s eyes met mine, and suddenly all I could see was Lee, I could almost smell him. I swallowed hard as the feel of his mouth on my skin felt almost real, as if it were happening again. I shuddered at the memory. My eyes filled with tears again and I turned away quickly.
“Aw, fuck. George, what did I say this time? I’m so sorry,” he kicked at the dirt beneath his feet.
“No, no, it’s not you. That’s not it, I mean,” I muttered, hanging my head.
“Then what?” he asked. I looked back at him and his eyes were full of kindness. “Talk to me. I’m your friend.”
“I know, Finn.”
“Well?”
“Well. Look, it’s nothing. A little something happened with Lee…that night…but it’s nothing.”
“What?” he asked, confusion clouding his clear green eyes. “What do you mean?”
If I could have taken back the words I would have. I don’t even know how they tumbled out, considering I had sworn myself to secrecy.
“Nothing, nevermind, Finn, really…” I said.
“No, George! Tell me. Lee’s a jerk, and I’ve seen the way he treats women and if he laid a hand on you, I swear I’ll kill him!” Finn was furious all of a sudden.
“Finn, calm down!” I wasn’t sure why he was so upset, and I wasn’t. I mean I was, but seeing the look on his face now just confused me. I was pissed, but he was violently angry.
“Just tell me what happened, George.” His teeth were clenched.
“Look, he just had too much to drink,” I started.
Shit, why was I making excuses for him?
“I mean,” I started again, “he was drunk. He was in the cabin when I came out of the bathroom, and he made a pass at me.”
“What does that mean exactly?” he said, his eyes squinting suspiciously, as if he could see right through me.
“He kissed me. He…did some other things. I told him to stop.”
“And did he?” he asked.
“No. Not at first. But he did when I made him.”
“Fucker. So he forced himself on you?”
“I guess so, yeah. I mean, at first I was down with kissing him, but then everything just turned…ugly. I guess it was my fault,” I replied, feeling a wave of shame wash over me.
“No!” Finn yelled. I jumped away from him. “I’m sorry,” he said, putting his hand on mine. “I mean, no, it wasn’t your fault. It’s Lee’s fault. It’s not the booze’s fault, Lee is the only one to blame here.”
“I guess so,” I said, feeling a little comfort at his words, and his anger, too.
“I’ll take care of this, George, I promise,” he said, his jaw set determinedly.
“No, you won’t, Finn! You can’t tell anyone, you have to promise me that!” I exclaimed, alarm rising in my voice.
“What the hell, George? Why should Lee get away with this?”
“What do you mean? Nothing happened, not really. And I kneed him in the balls as payback.”
“In my book, that’s not enough. He at least needs to apologize. And for fuck’s sake, this happened the night of your parent’s accident? It’s just unforgivable, even if he did apologize.”
“Finn, promise me you won’t tell anyone. I’m dealing with enough right now, I don’t want this getting out! Promise!”
“Goddammit, George,” he replied, shaking his head. “Fine, but I don’t like it one fucking bit.”
I sighed in relief. My life was already turned upside down, the last thing I needed to deal with was a shit-show of Lee drama.
“Thank you. You’re a good friend,” I said, putting my head on Finn’s shoulder. He was shaking in anger, and I put my hand on his to calm him.
“I’m not so sure about that,” he replied.
CHAPTER NINE
Beau
“Lee did what?” I yelled.
“Look, Beau, you can’t say anything to our folks,” Finn replied. “I promised George I wouldn’t say anything, but I just can’t keep it to myself. I don’t know what to do.”
“I know what to do! Kick Lee’s idiotic ass!” I roared in anger. How could Lee have done that to George? For fuck’s sake, she’s an innocent girl. Yeah, so maybe she had grown up a little. Maybe she had filled out over the years and turned into a breathtakingly beautiful woman, but that didn’t matter. Not to mention she had just lost her parents. And on the same fucking night?
“No, way, Beau! Look, can we just keep it a secret for a little while? George has been through enough, I don’t want to make things worse for her, and she’ll be so pissed off that I told you.”
“Well, what did she expect you to do?”
“I don’t know,” he said, hanging his head. “Just listen, I guess. Like Mom says, you know?”
He was right. Mom was always telling us that most women just wanted a man to listen if they were talking, not try to fix things.
“Alright, shit. I’ll keep it to myself. But if I see Lee, you can bet I’m going to light his ass up.”
“Not if I see him first,” Finn replied.
CHAPTER TEN
George
I was crying at the kitchen table when Crit came home. The fact that I opened my mouth, to Finn of all people, was unbelievable, even to myself. Finn was a nice guy, but he had a terrible reputation when it came to keeping secrets.
If he knew what you were getting for your birthday before you did, he was sure to give you so many hints you couldn’t help but guess. Once, when Lee was afraid he may have gotten a girl pregnant, the only person he confided in was Finn, and within three days, the rumors were flying around school.
Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if Crit already knew before he came home. But, if not, he took one look at me, and sat down and demanded to know what was going on.
“I don’t know why, but something tells me this isn’t about Mom and Dad,” he began. “What’s going on, George? Let me help.”
I was already a blubbering mess, there was no way I could deny it. The whole story came spilling out of me befo
re I could stop it. When I was done, I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“George,” he said, so quietly, so sternly, that I couldn’t help but look up.
“I’m sorry, Crit,” I began. “I only told you because I told Finn, and I know he won’t keep his big mouth shut.”
“Don’t you dare apologize!” He was attempting to remain calm, but the anger radiated off of his huge frame. “It’s not your fault.”
“Look, Crit, you can’t do anything, okay? I only told you so you heard it from me first, so you heard the truth…nothing happened. Well, I mean, you know.”
“No, I don’t know. It sure as hell sounds like something happened. It sounds to me like my little sister was assaulted by a drunken fucking prick. Those fucking Haggard boys are nothing but trouble!”
“I stopped him before he went too far. It’s my fault because I let him kiss me.”
“Did you fucking ask him to kiss you?”
“Well, no —,”
“— my point exactly!” he finally exploded out of his chair and started pacing around the kitchen.
“Look. In comparison to everything else, this is nothing. I want to just let it go, and it’s my choice, okay?” I pleaded. “This is already bad enough. And we don’t need another death on our hands.”
“Yeah, well, at this point I’m wondering if Lee fuckin’ Haggard even deserves to be alive.”
“Please, Crit? I’m begging you, please don’t do anything?”
“Fine!” he spat out the word. “But if that fucker comes near you again, I’m gonna knock his head into Houston, I tell you! I don’t give a damn what family he’s from, you hear?”
“Yes, Crit, thank you.” I sat at the table and quietly hung my head.
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