He turns back to my family who all looked stunned at Paul’s outburst.
“I can’t tell you anything legally Theo. But, years ago, Catherine signed papers legally giving Gabriel consent to all her medical records. I can…”
Paul turns to me then back to them to finish. “And will, tell Gabriel everything. If you all want to stay, then fine, I’m willing to do that too. Catherine is being hard headed and stubborn. If one of you could talk some damn sense into her then I’m willing to risk, it all.”
He turns back to me and says, “I’ve known you since you were sixteen. I’ve delivered all your babies and grandchildren. I’ve cared for you over the years my friend and if you won’t listen to me or your other doctor, then yes for the first time, I am going to defy you.”
“Paul, I will never forgive you for this!”
“Yes, you will. If you die, then it was for nothing and if you live then hate me all you want.”
Gabriel calls out, “Dr. Martin. I think you need to explain.”
He turns back around and I’m waiting for the battle. Any minute now they will know the truth and they will fight me every step of the way.
Paul begins, “Years ago, before you met Fallon, I found a lump in your mother’s breast. I sent her to have tests and then to an oncologist. The oncologist wanted your mother to have a mastectomy. Catherine refused. She would only allow the doctor to do a noninvasive lumpectomy. The doctor pleaded with your mother to do chemo and radiation. Again, your mother refused. From there, the doctor put your mother on hormone therapy. I’m not going to go into all the medical jargon, but hormones do have a chance to slow the progression of cancer cells. Recently, the doctor found what looks like the return of the cancer. She changed your mothers medication to a stronger hormone. Her cancer looks to be more advanced now and she is still refusing any other type of treatment. The reason Catherine passed out is because the medication has some strong side effects; nausea, loss of appetite, dizziness. She should be feeling sluggish and weak. It was just a matter of time before she wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore.”
Everyone is listening so intensely while Theo stares at me. Without taking his eyes off of me, he asks, “Paul, when you first found it, the doctor could have removed it all and it wouldn’t have come back?”
“She did remove it all. But with cancer, you never know. However, if she would have done the mastectomy and treatment, we would more than likely not be here talking about the cancer spreading.”
“What stage is it now?”
“Theo, until she has a biopsy, there is no way of knowing.”
“You son of a bitch!”
He shouts, cursing Paul and takes off after him. All my sons jump on Theo to stop him from killing Paul. Jumping out of the bed, I stand in front of Paul, making my body his shield.
Theo starts shouting, “You knew all this time, Paul! You knew about the cancer and what the treatments would mean. You let her go on and not do anything? How could you?!”
“Theo, I tried man! She doesn’t want to do it! Don’t you think I tried?”
“Not fucking enough!”
My boys are still holding him back when he shouts asking, “Tell me right now. If she has her breast removed, can she survive?”
“Again, Theo I don’t know but it’s her only chance. That’s why I’m telling you all. I can’t, in good conscience, let her do this anymore.”
I’ve had enough. “Enough Theo! It’s not Paul’s fault. I didn’t want to have the mastectomy then and I don’t want it now.”
The boys all start yelling, forgetting their hold on Theo. We’re staring at each other while everyone else is yelling at me, telling me their opinion. I tune them out and just stare at my man as he stares daggers into me.
“EVERYONE OUT!” Theo shouts.
“GET OUT!”
Everyone stops yelling but they don’t move.
Theo, with his eyes still burning through me, makes it very clear.
“I SAID, GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW!”
No one argues. They all start walking out, one after the other, including Paul. Once the door closes behind the last person, Theo walks towards me, slowly making me back up. He doesn’t stop until my back hits a wall and he towers over me.
“Why would you do this?!”
“Theo.”
He slams his hand against the wall next to my head. I jerk and shut my eyes.
“Why?!”
I don’t say anything because there is nothing I can say to make him understand.
Theo raises his other arm and lays his hand on the other side of my face. He now has me caged in.
“You want to be silent, then fine! You listen to me closely. You are going to have that fucking mastectomy.”
“I’m…” I start to tell him no, but he stops me.
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear it. No more hiding shit or lying to me. You will do as I say. You are having the surgery and they will dig that fucking cancer out of you, any way they can!”
My head is lowered from him shouting at me, but I slowly raise my eyes to look at him. I love him, but he has no idea what it’s like. He has no right to tell me a damn thing when it comes to my body or my life. Straightening my back, and lifting my head, I tell him,
“NO!”
He stumbles back like I just shot him, never removing his eyes from me. I can see the tears brewing in his eyes and still, I stand not wavering.
With his voice lowered, he asks, “Why?”
“You wouldn’t understand. I’m not doing it, that’s all you need to know.”
He walks back toward me and punches the wall on the side of my head, making me jerk and fold over.
“I love you Katie, but I will not watch you kill yourself. I can’t!”
He swings the door open and stomps out. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I double over, crying. I hear my sons yell after him.
This day is the one I feared, not death but them finding out that I am choosing death. How will I ever make them understand?
Theo
What the fuck did she say? What the hell is she doing? She might as well just have shot me. Of all the things she has ever said or done to me, this is the worst. “Fuck her!” I can’t believe what she’s doing or why. Did she think I was just going to sit by her side and watch her die? “Well I’m not!”
I storm out of the room before I want to hurt her. That’s all I want to do right now; hurt her like she’s hurting me. What the fuck is wrong with her?
“Jeffery!...Jeffery!”
Yelling throughout the house, the boys come running from the living room. Vin’s the first to speak.
“Theo, what are you doing? Where’s mom?”
“Jeffery!”
I’m turning in place, screaming Jeffery’s name. I don’t want to do this, but I’m not staying here. I ignore Vin and the rest of them until Vin steps up, stopping me.
“I said, what the fuck are you doing?”
“Vin, son, you better back the fuck off, now!”
Fallon walks up to me and lays her hand on my shoulder. “Theo?”
Taking a step back from a nonmoving Vin, I tell her and all of them,
“I can’t do this. I won’t do this. She wants to die! And I am not sticking around to watch it.”
Suddenly Jeffery appears. “Jeffery, I want all my things packed and delivered to my home, as soon as you can get it done!”
Vin pushes me back, coming for me. Zander and Gabriel run up, pulling him back.
“That’s it?” Zander asks.
“What do you want from me? I love her more than you will ever know but I will not watch her die without a fight.”
My feet start walking backwards towards the door while all their shocked faces show all the disappointment I feel right now. I turn and cross the threshold.
Catherine
I guess I should’ve expected his reaction. I knew he would be mad but not like this. Straightening my back, pushing myself off the wall, I mak
e it to my chair, sitting down still in shock. Theo is a large man and of course a dangerous one but I’ve never seen his violent side when it came to me. His anger and frustration, yes but never once has he ever raised a hand to me. I’m being overdramatic. He didn’t hit me and never would but punching a hole in my wall right on the side of my head shows me how much anger and even hate, he has for me right now.
Covering my face in my hands, I allow myself to cry. This is it. I’ll let it all out; cry and scream then no more. This isn’t what I wanted. Not for them to find out like this. Hell, I didn’t want them finding out at all. Now, they’ll all look at me like I’m weak. They’ll offer their me sympathy. I can’t take the sympathy. That’s one of the things I hate the most. The pity people express to the weaker. The dying never get a reprieve from it.
Well not me! I won’t allow it. I will show them all I am still Catherine Stern. They can take their pity and their sympathy and stick it up their ass. I don’t want it and I sure in the hell don’t need it. You won’t get it from me. Life is hard. Deal with it and move on.
The days when I sat around, waiting for someone to show me the tiniest bit of kindness, anyone who would care about what I was going through. Those days are over. I learned a long time ago, no one can save you. No one is going to make it all better. No one but you.
I learned how to survive then. I thrived and did it all on my own. I took it all, every fucking thing this world dished out to me, I took and then I spit it back out.
Wondering how I can talk about surviving when I just told the love of my life that I’m not going to fight. You have no fucking clue!
People see what they want, what I want them to see. No one and I mean no one, knows the struggles I’ve had. The scars are there, imbedded in me, some on the surface and some lie deep inside. Those are the ones that are the hardest to deal with.
That’s one of the things that brought me and my son Vincent closer. We both have scars. The difference is my son was content with living within his little confinement, until he found Brittany. She brought him hope and light.
I didn’t need that. What I needed was revenge. I needed mayhem. I needed all their fucking heads on my chopping block and I got it. Me, no one else. I took and took until I had it all. See, my son Vin has a kind heart. I have none. I killed it off a long time ago, just leaving enough for my children and Theo. The rest I destroyed with every drop of blood I spilled. Another difference between Vincent and I, he feels guilt and I don’t. I feel justified.
My time has simply come. This is my final payment to the devil. There is no retribution for me. It’s my time. What am I going to do? Tell me, should I beg and pray for God to save me? There is no saving me. I accepted that a long time ago. I knew one day the grim reaper would come knocking on my door and I knew I wouldn’t fight him. It’s deserving. I have faith, don’t doubt it. I don’t question or doubt my God. He only gives you what you can handle. If this is what his plan is for me then, this is what it will be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from a religious woman. I don’t go to church and I barely know my prayers, but I believe. The problem is, I’ve always been torn. I know what God expects from me and I’ve always done the opposite. I used what the good lord gave me, and I made it work for me. I used my beauty against most of them, then I turned around and I’ve killed, I’ve manipulated, I have sought out revenge, I don’t forgive others because I can’t forget. But I have learned to forgive myself, in order to continue. Because if not, I would have drowned in all the horror of my life.
What I won’t do is sit back making excuses for myself. Shit happened, and I dealt with it. I don’t blame others for my actions. I knew what I was doing. In some cases, I played judge, jury and God. I dealt out my kind of punishment with no remorse. I did it all without asking forgiveness. Because I knew I didn’t and still don’t deserve it.
But I thank my God because even with all the terrible things I had to go through or the terrible things I’ve done. The miracles in my life were always my sons and Theo. I will not ask for anything more. I will not ask Him to help or save me because he has given me so much that again, I don’t deserve. With everything bad in my life, I truly, truly believe God has blessed me. That’s how I’ve been able to keep some form of faith. Every time I looked into my sons’ eyes or held them tight in my arms, I understood all his blessings. But with it, came my instinct to protect them like a true lioness and I did just that.
I made sure to give them everything I had and didn’t have. The moves I made to keep my blessings protected and safe are some that I will not ask God’s forgiveness for. I would do them all again.
Here is where the problem lies. I’m still protecting them. Every decision I’ve ever made, including the decision to accept my fate, is for them.
Gabriel and none of the rest of them were ready back then. When I first heard the diagnosis and the treatment plan all those years ago, I could’ve had the mastectomy and the treatments, but I knew. All the hungry bastards would have come out of the gutter for any scraps they could steal from me and my children. I know they would because it’s what I would have done. Hell, it’s what I’ve done.
Show weakness or let them find a crack in your armor, you will be attacked, it’s that simple. In my world, it’s all about the strongest surviving.
Standing, I dry my tears. There is no way I’m going to sit here a moment longer and feel sorry for myself. I’m still alive and there are plans to make.
Come hell or high water, it’s time for me to make some noise. One thing is for sure, I won’t go out quietly.
13
Catherine
Once I’m dressed, I walk out of my bedroom. With my head held high, I make my way towards the dining room. Sitting at the head of the table where I belong, I wait for my children. They all start walking in one by one with stunned expressions on their faces. Jeffery begins bringing the platters of food, laying them carefully between us. I swear you can feel the tension coming off everyone. Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself because I know the minute Jeffery walks out this room, the interrogation will begin.
Gabriel sits directly across from me at the other end. He stares at me as everyone else seems to be avoiding eye contact.
“Mother.”
“Gabriel.”
“We were not expecting you.”
“Really, where else would I be?”
“In your room, resting.”
The corner of my mouth lifts. “I have rested. I’m perfectly fine.”
I start buttering my toast when Gabriel slams his hand down on the table, getting my attention. The girls jump as I continue to butter my toast.
In a calm voice, I ask, “What do you want son?”
“I want you to stop pretending nothing’s wrong! I want you to listen to your doctors!”
Taking a deep breath, I lift my head and start,
“Fine. I’ll quit pretending there is nothing wrong. Let’s talk Gabriel. Let’s talk about all the things wrong. Let’s talk about how you have been going soft lately. How I have been so lenient on you since your son’s been born. And let’s talk about how Liam hasn’t gotten his hands dirty enough yet.”
I let out a small laugh. Glancing around the table. They want to talk and stop pretending, lets go.
“Come on Zander, what have I been hearing about you sending other men on jobs instead of dealing with the fucking problems yourself. What about you Vin? You’ve barely shown you face around the casinos anymore.”
Allowing them to soak up all I just spewed at them, I take a sip of my coffee, then address the problem.
“You want me to rest son? Then stop slacking off and act like the boss that you were born to be! I worked my ass off for this empire, for every one of you. You think I have time to rest now, when you are all slacking, leaving us vulnerable!”
Standing, not wanting to sit here and debate the situation, I tell them exactly like it is. “You all know what I’ve said is true. I will rest when I die
. Until then, you will all excuse me, so I can try to guarantee that when I do, my empire will still be here. If any of you want to help me, then get your heads out of your asses and go to work. Be the men I raised you all to be. Show me you have what it takes for me to leave everything to you all. Because I sure in the hell had what it took to get it by myself. Not riding on my mommy’s coat tails.”
Throwing my napkin on the table, I walk out the room. Let’s see if that will light a fire under their asses. They have no idea what will come.
About an hour later, after I’ve completed a little work, I find myself drifting out of my office window. I cried when I first shut the door to my office. I was harsh on my sons, but I needed to be. Since finding out about the cancer, I’ve been too soft. I was so concerned about getting them settled. I lost sight of keeping them feared. But there was no way I would be able to rest in peace, knowing my sons didn’t have their wives. As a mother, all you want is for them to be happy and loved. But as the head of this family I need to be their boss. I need to crack the damn whip.
One of the reasons I started my journal was for them to one day read and see the things I had to do. Because one day, they might have to do the same. It’s also to teach them about me. None of them know my real name. They recently just found out about their father but not all of it. Maybe if they see how strong I was and the things I went through to survive for them, maybe they will appreciate it more. Maybe they will understand all my decisions. Maybe they won’t. Liam will have the hardest time with some of it I think. They were all born with a silver spoon in their mouths. I might have trained them, but all they know is privilege. None of them know the struggles of being poor or being a nobody in this world. If they learn this could all be ripped away from them or even their lives or their loved ones lives, maybe they will start taking initiative and take their roles more seriously.
A tear falls from my eye as I remember the day Paul told me I was pregnant with Gabriel. I didn’t know what to think. I knew what this meant to William but to me, I had no idea. I remembered William’s words. “What do you know about love?” Nothing, that’s what. Would I be a good mother? I mean, I didn’t know the slightest thing about what a good mother was. I was still a child myself really. Things had gone back to the way they were before I tried to seduce him. He continued to only call for me when he wanted but every time, he would ask me to tell him I was his. I still refused. I guess in a way it was my form of punishment to him. I was quite aware he was sleeping with other women. He never tried to hide it from me but now that I was pregnant, would things change?
Art of Survival: Part One (A Stern Family Saga Book 5) Page 12
