I closed my eyes. Maybe I did love Will a little. When I opened them, I found him gazing adoringly at me. I leaned toward him and he took the hint, swooping in for a kiss. His arms went around me, drawing me close.
“I love the slope of your neck, the swell of your breasts.” Hmm. That had a vaguely familiar ring.
He lowered his head and dropped kisses on my … swell. I could easily get used to a man worshipping me. And then the oddest sensation swept over me. Was Will truly so enraptured by my beauty, my soft skin, and my shiny hair? Or did he just want to have sex with me? I guess it didn’t really matter which of us seduced the other.
I realized he was whispering to me. “Your gown.”
“M-my gown? Oh, the fastenings are in back,” I said, my voice quavering.
Will unfastened it about twice as fast as Bess was able to. In no time at all I was standing there wearing nothing but my thin smock, and I began to shiver. My stomach was roiling, queasy. After tugging off his doublet and the shirt underneath, Will grasped me around the waist from behind. Slowly, his hands slid upward.
My mind flashed to Stephen, and how he’d watched me while I danced with Will. And earlier, kissing him, holding him. Was this what he wanted for me? What I wanted for myself? I twisted around and kissed Will passionately, buying time. In a minute, it would be too late to change course. I withdrew slightly from the embrace.
I thought I was going to be sick.
WILL MANEUVERED ME BACKWARD to the bed, yanking at the coverlet with his free hand. “Lie down,” he whispered. Heart hammering, I did as he asked. He lay down next to me, and before I knew what was happening, he’d grabbed the hem of my smock and was tugging it over my head.
God’s breath! I’m completely naked! I squeezed my eyes shut. I’m an actor. It’s only a role I’m playing. It’s not really me, Miranda. Or even Olivia. I clenched my jaw and steeled myself.
But it was me. It was my body, something precious to give. I wasn’t sure about giving it to Will, especially since I was in love with Stephen. Will reached for me, his voice interrupting my muddled thoughts.
“Oh, Anne, sweet, I love you so much.”
Huh? I pressed my palms against his chest and pushed him away. Had he just called me Anne, as in Anne Hathaway? I studied his face, and could tell by his horrified look that he knew exactly what he’d done.
“Pardon me, Olivia. I do not know why—”
He’d just given me the perfect out. A chance for a graceful exit. “Pray, who is Anne?” I tried to sound hurt.
“A lady from Stratford. I—I …”
I interrupted. “Forgive me, Will, but I do not wish to make love with you.”
He cursed under his breath. “I called you Anne. How can you ever forgive me?”
“She must be someone you care for very much.”
“Aye, but I care for you, too. Are you certain about this? Carpe diem, Olivia! Life is short.”
I recognized that phrase from a novel I’d read, and knew it meant “seize the day.” From Ovid, probably. Nice try, Will. “I think both of us were mistaken in thinking this was what we wanted.”
“But—”
“Nay, Will. This is not right.”
He rolled over and out of the bed. “As you say, mistress.”
We both hurriedly dressed and, gentleman that he was, Will offered to refasten my gown. I told him not to bother, since I was going directly to bed. When the silence grew uncomfortable, I headed toward the doors. After he unlocked them, Will touched my shoulder. “Olivia—”
“You do not need to say anything more, Will.” He nodded, a guilty expression crossing his face.
I made sure the coast was clear before scurrying back to my room. It was late, and the strain of this never-ending day had caught up with me. After preparing for bed, I let the crimson gown pool on the floor, stepped out of it, and wearily climbed under the covers. Tomorrow I’d face Stephen, and together we would figure out what came next.
I awoke to Stephen’s touch. So deeply had I fallen into sleep that it seemed a long time before I sensed and finally reacted to his hand clasping mine and his voice gently calling to me.
“Olivia, wake up.”
I smiled at the sound of his voice. Was I dreaming?
“Olivia—”
I opened my eyes. “Let me go back to sleep. Please.” What was he doing here, anyway?
Smoothly, Stephen lifted me up, coverlet and all, and carried me to his chamber. A fire blazed and crackled in the grate, and he put me down on the settle, directly in front of it.
I yawned, pawed at my tangled hair, and blinked my eyes a few times.
“Here, drink this.”
Scooting over to make room for him, I accepted a cup from his hand and sipped. “Wine. That should really wake me up.”
“Do as I ask. Believe me, you’ll feel better.”
And after a while, I did. He gave me the time I needed to regain my senses, and gradually it dawned on me that he wanted to know what had happened with Will. Of course he did. Might as well come clean.
“I couldn’t do it, Stephen. I tried, but at the last minute, I couldn’t go through with it. I’m sorry … to disappoint you.” I watched his face, sure he’d be furious with me, and waited for his expression to harden.
Instead, on a sigh he said, “I am very glad you did not.” His voice was husky and his eyes gleamed in the firelight.
“You are?” I couldn’t keep my surprise and shock from showing. “I’ve been agonizing over it for so long, and now you say you’re glad it didn’t happen!”
Stephen winced. “I beg your forgiveness. I should never have asked you to do it. I thought only of myself—what would be least troublesome for me. It was unfair to you.”
Somewhat grudgingly I said, “It wasn’t all your fault. I was intrigued by the idea at first. Losing my virginity to the great Will Shakespeare seemed appealing. Now it just seems wrong.” Because I’m in love with you. “And I don’t think it will change his mind about becoming a Jesuit.”
“Mayhap you are right about that.” He had an odd half smile on his face.
“What are you smiling about?”
“You did not tell me you were ‘agonizing.’ Most recently, you said you were ‘looking forward to it.’ ”
Only to make you jealous. “Uh, well, I never thought it would work, so I agonized about it. That’s all I meant.”
“Do you wish to tell me what occurred?”
“No!”
He shushed me. “You will wake the others.”
No way could I tell him about my almost-sex with Will. I felt myself flush, knowing his eyes were riveted on me. “Maybe another time,” I said. Like never. “What should we do?”
“We must think of a new tactic, something involving us both.”
“I had my own plan, you know.”
When he looked blank, I said, “Talking to him about acting, asking about his writing, seeking his advice about reading.”
“I did not realize that you hoped to lure him from the priesthood in that way.”
“It hasn’t made much of an impression, except I think it made me more attractive to him. But he seems as devoted to Thomas as ever.” I paused a minute to sip at my wine. An idea struck me and I seized Stephen’s hand. “What if we tell him about his destiny, and even how we know?”
“He would not believe us.”
“You’re the one who told me Elizabethans believe in the supernatural to explain weird happenings. Maybe it wouldn’t seem so far-fetched.” I expelled a quick breath. “It’s the truth, after all.”
“Will views us as friends and companions—not sorcerers or seers.”
“You’d have to tell him—”
“I am not revealing my powers to Will Shakespeare, Olivia! I will not yield on that.”
I nodded. Another part of the wizard code of ethics. Never reveal that you are one.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. Eventually I remembered my “aha” moment at d
inner, and that I needed to tell Stephen about it. “How was Jennet during the meal? You two seemed to be laughing a lot.”
He shrugged. “I was teasing her a bit, and poking fun at the visitors.”
“Did anything about her behavior strike you as odd, or different?”
“Not at all. Why?”
“Her tryst with the man in the woods.”
“What about it?” His voice was sharp.
“At the time I noticed he had a huge, hooked nose. He wasn’t wearing a cap, and I could see him clearly. The man was Robert Lowry.”
Stephen leaped to his feet. “Jesu! You are certain?”
“As soon as I caught a glimpse of his profile tonight at dinner, I knew he was the same person.”
“I must confess something to you as well. I thought about keeping it from you, but in light of this new information—”
“Just tell me!”
“The moment I met Lowry, I recognized him as the other man in my vision.”
“Oh, God. So he’s important, somehow, in all of this.” I tried to piece it together. “Robert Lowry and the sheriff are plotting against … whom? Thomas Cook?”
“Who else?”
I mused out loud. “Jennet’s got to be reporting to Lowry, who we now know from your vision is working with the sheriff. They already knew there was a Jesuit here, so what else could she be telling them?”
“One thing to consider,” Stephen said. “Thomas studies in the library. If he carelessly left some of his papers lying about, she may have looked at them, may even have seen this document he’s writing.”
“But you’re forgetting she can’t read—at least, not that well.”
“What if that’s all been a ruse? Mayhap she reads and writes as well as you or I. We have only her word on it. And given what he’s writing about …”
A tiny ping of doubt struck me. “I don’t think so,” I said, shaking my head. “It would mean she’s been lying the whole time she’s been at Hoghton Tower.” I stood and paced, glancing at Stephen. “Her creepy father may be involved in this somehow. I wouldn’t put it past him to use Jennet to push his own agenda, whatever that is.”
“Perhaps. We must keep an eye on her. If we notice anything else out of the ordinary, we will go to my uncle and let him decide what to do.”
“I guess that’s a plan.” Feeling an overpowering weariness take hold of me, I yawned and stretched. “I’ll need to talk with Will tomorrow, to make things right between us.”
“Perhaps you should allow him to approach you. As a gentleman, he would want it that way.”
I nodded. “I’ll wait for him to come to me. But right now I need some sleep. I’m too tired to think about this anymore. Something will come to us.”
Stephen stepped close to me, right into my personal space. Fine by me. “I admired the way you stood up to Lowry. It took courage to speak to him as you did, although it may not have been the wisest course.”
“I did it for Will’s sake. Lowry was practically interrogating him. And I did apologize.”
“ ’Tis no matter. He has other fish to fry.”
I nodded. “I hope they’re not swimming around here at Hoghton Tower.”
Stephen smiled, and I felt my eyes practically begging him to hold me, kiss me. “Good night, then, Olivia. Sleep well.”
“Good night, Stephen.”
“I am glad—relieved—that matters did not proceed as we once wished.” Placing a hand on either side of my face, he leaned in and kissed … my forehead.
PREPARATIONS FOR THE CORPUS CHRISTI PAGEANT were now in full swing. Most mornings, the actors and musicians rehearsed in the gallery above the banqueting hall, with Thomas directing the whole enterprise. The day after the botched seduction, I sneaked away to the ladies’ withdrawing room with a book. If I was to help with the pageant, I had to keep practicing my reading.
I left the door open so I’d be able to hear Will’s voice, and when I did, I intended to make sure he saw me. I wanted to provide every opportunity for him to apologize. I hoped Stephen was right about Will taking the blame for what had happened—or not happened—between us.
Stephen. I wished I knew what he was thinking and feeling about me. Loving each other was hopeless, a dead end. I couldn’t stay here forever, and he couldn’t come back with me to the present. Of course we’d never discussed either possibility, because the feelings between us had never been acknowledged, exactly. And I was forever getting mixed messages from him.
“Good morrow, Olivia.”
It was Will, standing in the doorway. I threw my book aside and leaped to my feet. He reached for my hands, but kept me at arm’s length.
“Pray forgive me for last night,” he said. “I behaved abominably.” His flushed face showed that he was truly ashamed. “I need a friend, not a lover. Can you be a friend to me, after I have taken such advantage of you?”
“I would be honored to be your friend, Will Shakespeare.” It was a no-brainer.
“Thank God. I feared you could not forgive me.” He dropped my hands and began to pace around the room. “My conduct would be such a disappointment to Thomas. He expects more from me, and he is right; I should attend more to the love of God and the care of men’s souls—my own included.”
“Master Cook is immersed in his faith,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Thomas is willing to give his life for his beliefs. He expects it, anticipates it, and spends much time contemplating how he will fare when racked and put to death. He even jokes about it.”
I felt the blood drain from my face at the prospect. “Why does Thomas not continue his travels? Surely others wish to meet him, you said so yourself. People seem willing to risk their lives to hear him preach. Dead, he is of no use to anyone!”
“He is weary,” Will said, coming to a halt in front of me. “He has been hiding since his return to England near a year past. None of us would like his kind of life, having no home, always on watch for spies and government agents.”
“Why does he remain so long at Hoghton Tower? It’s dangerous!”
“Because of his work. He has been writing an important document, which will rebut the Protestant religious arguments. In it, he exhorts the queen herself to return to the true faith.”
“Surely there are fine libraries in other Catholic homes that would be just as useful to him.”
“Believe me, I have urged him to leave now, not to wait until after the pageant. If he chooses to turn a blind eye to the dangers, there is nothing more I can do.”
“You … will not go with him?”
“I will see him safely to the next hiding place. I’ve told Master Hoghton I wish to do so.”
“Please, Will, do not take this upon yourself,” I said, forcing him to look at me. “My uncle will send someone else, a servant or a laborer. Someone who would not be suspect.” On their journey, wouldn’t it be tempting for Thomas to press Will to join the Society of Jesus? And for Will to easily succumb?
“Thomas is willing to sacrifice his life. Should I not do the same for his sake?”
No, I wanted to shout. No, you most definitely should not. “When will he leave?”
“I believe almost immediately after the performance. His work is completed, and he must deliver it into the printer’s hands. In secret, of course.”
“Will, I know it is not my business, but I am your true friend.” My cheeks burned. If he was remembering last night, he must be thinking about what an understatement that was. I plunged on. “As your friend—will you tell me the truth? Do you intend to join the Jesuits?”
His gray eyes darkened, and I thought I’d made him angry. “Aye. How did you know?”
I groaned inside. “You saw what happened to that poor man in Preston! That could be you, or Thomas.”
“Thomas believes we can proceed safely to another location and eventually cross the channel to France. From there I will travel to the Low Countries, to the university for priests.”
I pla
ced my hand on his chest. “Is this what you really want? In your own heart, are you ready to give up a wife and family? You have more than one young lady smitten with you, and that’s just here at Hoghton Tower. And then there is Anne.…”
He blushed and turned away from me. “That is a weakness which must be overcome. Thomas did so.”
“Is love a weakness, then, Will? Do not forget, Thomas did so because becoming a priest was his heart’s desire. He has zeal, a passion for God. Do you have that same passion?”
He pulled a hand through his hair, which caused it to stick out in all the wrong places. “I do not know!”
“And what about becoming a player? You told me yourself that is what you wished to do. And your writing—”
“Did you know Thomas himself has written plays? The Jesuits are known for their oratory and their acting. ’Tis part of the way they teach and learn.”
“There are other kinds of learning. One learns from being out in the world, from engaging with others, from experience. Learning doesn’t come just at universities. And you have a whole library right here at your disposal.” My voice shook, its pitch rising.
Will sighed and dropped down onto a cushioned chair. “What am I to do? Thomas is a man of God, a truly good man. I want to be like him!”
“Maybe you can emulate him in some other …”
Someone was approaching. It was the man in question.
“Master Will, mistress, pray pardon me for disturbing you.” Thomas swiveled and looked directly at Will. “We are ready for you now, sir. And Mistress Olivia, we shall have need of you for the remainder of our rehearsals.”
“Ah, certainly. I shall be there,” I said, trying to keep the panic I was feeling from my voice.
I was glad for the interruption, because I didn’t know what to say next. Sad eyed, Will rose and bowed to me, and I felt sorry that he was so torn. He left the room, and I sank down onto the settle by the fire. We were—I was—failing. Friend or lover, I couldn’t possibly hope to overcome the priest’s influence. Will seemed more convinced than ever that he should follow in Thomas’s footsteps. It was time to make a little foray into Master Will Shakespeare’s chamber. The mysterious letter held the key to Thomas’s sway over him, I was sure of it.
Kissing Shakespeare Page 20
