by Lila Felix
I opened my mouth to say something—anything, but he’d already ended the call.
He called me the next day, and every day after that for weeks. I got more and more aggravated by the day. He’d let some things slip throughout our phone time, like he was apparently running a lot every day. He was also having dinner with his family again and had made amends with his mother. He’d decided to skip a semester but had registered for school starting in January.
And that night was no different than any other night, except he hadn’t called. So, I called him. But he didn’t answer.
I showered and got ready for bed. I was in bed, already hovering between lucidity and dream when I heard a knock on the door.
I trudged to the door and looked through the peep hole. It was a man, with his back to me. He was a big guy.
“Damn, he’s built like a mutha.”
Then he turned around to knock again and I stumbled back, shock hammered through my body. I unlocked the deadbolt and trifled with the chain until it was free and swung the door wide open. I jumped up and threw my arms around his neck before either of us could speak.
His arms, now thick and strong held me up, tucked me in closer to his chest. I was probably choking him, but I wanted to be as closely wound around him as I could get. I felt him walking but could’ve cared less where he was going as long as he was taking me with him. I heard the door close and he sat with me still leeched on.
“Let go Ash. Baby, let me see your face. Please, I haven’t seen you in months.” I leaned back. He took my hands from where they still rested on his neck and kissed the palms of each one.
“How is it possible that you got more beautiful?” His hands began an exploration of my face. “You were sleeping? I’m so sorry. I’m gonna go. I can see you tomorrow. You need to sleep.”
I slapped him on the pec, but now it was like slapping a cinder block. “I swear Breaker James, if you leave, don’t you dare come back. I’ve waited too long. Don’t play with me.”
He held in a laugh, barely. “Ok, ok, I’m sorry. I had planned to come tomorrow but I got everything unpacked tonight so I just acted on impulse. I couldn’t wait any longer.”
He had on a gray t shirt and dark washed jeans. His t shirt was actually stretched out across his pecs now, like he was trying to wear one of his old ones and it refused to cooperate.
He tipped my chin up, “Eyes up here, baby.” Oh, his smile did me in.
“What did you do? You’re like twice the size.”
He grinned sideways, “Words every man wants to hear.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I work out, a lot. It was part of getting better. I also laid off the junk you used to feed me.”
“I didn’t hear you complaining.”
“Oh man, I missed arguing with you. But you kinda look tired. I am gonna go. I need to get to bed too,” he checked his watch.
“Stay with me.” I begged him, pride be damned.
“Are you sure? What about Stephanie, she’s gonna come home?”
I smiled knowing that my next sentence would make him happy. “No, she spends most nights with Ozark. She won’t be back.”
He laughed, “For once in my life I’m glad to hear that guy’s name. I could never say no to you, let’s get you to bed.”
He resumed his hold on me, lifted us both from the chair, and carried me to my bedroom.
“I’ve waited so long to do that,” he mumbled into my neck, “Ash this bed is horrible, remind me to buy you a new one,” he said as he let me slide down his body and peeled off his shirt. I checked the corner of my mouth for drool because it was if some muscly weightlifter had absorbed Breaker. The jeans were next and I couldn’t help but stare.
And when we got on the bed, his side nearly went flat and my side was almost double in height, so much that I tumbled into him. I thought maybe he’d move to leave or sleep on the couch. But instead he grabbed me, now a whisper of a being next to his built stature and pulled me on top of him.
“Much better,” he breathed into my ear and there, on top of him, my face tucked into the curve of his neck, I fell into a deep slumber.
I woke the next morning alone in my bed, with the smells of eggs and bacon clinging in the air. I looked around briefly, his jeans were missing but his shirt was still atop my dresser. I breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of it. I didn’t know if all this time I’d been this desperate for him and just not let myself feel it, or the desperation had surfaced when he came back. Either way, I needed his proximity like I’ve never needed anything in my life.
I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and went through my morning routine and then threw on my hoodie on top of my cami. I turned the corner from the hallway into the kitchen as he skimmed the scrambled eggs from the pan onto two plates.
And then I made the grave mistake of moving my stare from the pan to his arm, his tan arm, chiseled and etched like a statue. The muscles rolled and moved together as he moved around the kitchen, still not aware that I’d entered. He side-stepped down the counter and hunched over the sink to wash the dishes he’d used and I laughed to myself because I’d become content with who Breaker was physically. And I was completely in love with who he was. But the gasping, lung seizing, toe curling reaction that I’d always wanted to have for the man I wanted was consuming me at that moment. His shoulder blades were chugging up and down as he took care of the mess in the sink. His pants hung right at his hips, showing a sliver of burgundy boxers. I wanted to press my face against his back as he worked, just to experience the motion of the muscles for myself.
He put the dishes in the drain and when he went to pick up the prepared plates, he saw me.
“Oh come on. I was being so quiet. I wanted to surprise you.”
“You—here—is surprise enough. But who taught you how to cook? I gotta know.”
He was directly in front of me now. His chest was at my eye level and I half expected him to pop his pecs like the Rock. I leaned my forehead against his chest, just content with having him here. His hands ran vertical paths up and down my back.
“Navy. She came to the house and told me that I’d never get you back unless I could cook breakfast. She said something about every man needing to know how to cook a woman breakfast or something.”
I reached out and grabbed his lower waist right where his pants hitched on his hips. “Did you tell her there was no getting me back? Did you tell her that you’ve had me all this time?”
“No, I wasn’t gonna argue with her. She was teaching me something valuable. I just went along with it. Come on, let’s eat.” We sat at my table, which was tiny to begin with but now with Breaker sitting across from me, it looked even scrawnier.
“Do you have class today? I don’t want to mess up your schedule.”
“No, I don’t have class today. I do have to go to work at ten though.”
“Oh, speaking of work,” He jumped out of the chair and reached for his back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. I unfolded it to find a check made out to me from Anya Collins in the same exact amount that I’d returned to her over two and a half months ago. It was enough that I wouldn’t have to work for the rest of the semester.
I shook my head at him and pushed the check his way, “I gave this back to her. I didn’t feel right taking the money. I did what I did because I loved you, not for the money.”
He knelt down beside my chair, taking my hands in his, “I know that. But you also kept that house spotless and helped me transform the back yard. You did your job and you deserve to be paid for it. Anyway, I’m kinda being selfish again. If you don’t have to work, then I get to spend all that time with you. There’s so many things I want to do with you Ash—so many things I want to experience with you.”
“I’d love to start over with you.” It was exhilarating, the thought of dating and having a relationship like other people.
“No baby, not starting over. That would mean forgetting everythi
ng we’ve been through. And I won’t let that happen—to me or to you. But maybe we can take what we’ve learned and get somewhere new.”
I fought the tears in my eyes, his demeanor had changed but he was still my Breaker.
“Where do you suggest we start?”
“I suggest you go change since you just look absolutely adorable in that hoodie but those shorts are doing nothing to help my resolve not to just devour you. So get ready and there’s something pretty big I want to show you.”
I stood up, “Hmmm, something big, huh?” I said as I walked away.
“Don’t start that, Cormier,” he laughed.
I went into my room, took the fastest shower known to man, and then threw on some black shorts, a white fitted t-shirt and some flops. I combed through my hair and left it down. I put on a little mascara and some pineapple lip gloss and then headed out. The check got stuffed into my purse for depositing at the bank and after a good ogling from Breaker, we headed out.
I feigned distress at the sight of his infamous motorcycle, “Oh, the Harley, should I bow or kneel or do I have to say some secret chant before I get on? I mean, I don’t feel worthy.”
“Oh give me a break, Ash. You know you’ve been waiting for me to cause a rumble between your legs. Here’s your chance.”
I pointed my finger at him, “Hey! Stop with the pervy nuances. If I can’t do it, then you can’t do it.”
He slunk behind me and whispered, “See what you did there. If I were a smart ass pervert, I would say, it’s fine baby, we can do it together. But I’m not, so get your pretty ass on the bike, so I can thoroughly convince you.”
My throat had grown dry, “Convince me of what?”
“Convince you that I’m different.”
He climbed on the bike first, followed by me behind him. I snaked my arms around his waist and after putting my helmet on, I scooted as close to him as I could get, because I wanted to and because I was scared of his bike.
After a fifteen minute ride, we pulled up to a cottage like house, painted gray with a huge wraparound porch and a red door. He stopped the bike and put the kickstand down and after getting off, helped me.
“I bought this house last month but I wanted to do some renovating before you saw it. If it’s too much, you don’t have to see it. I’m just proud of it.”
He must’ve seen my hesitation. I didn’t mean for it to be plastered to my face so obviously, but to a house was probably the last place I ever wanted to go with Breaker. But he looked so damned inflated about whatever this house meant to him.
“If you’re proud of it, then I have to see.”
He led me by the hand into a home which was open and airy, every room, cedar floored and open, painted white or some variant of white. It was as if he decorated the whole home to be the exact opposite of the prison he used to live in. I didn’t say anything as he and I took a silent tour. But it didn’t escape my notice that from a clean perspective, it was spotless.
He stopped through the kitchen and faced me, “Close your eyes.”
“Close my eyes?”
“Trust me baby, close your eyes.”
I squeezed my lids shut while he took my hands. He brought me outside and then I heard a door open and he told me to take one step up. The smell of flowers flourished in my nostrils, too many to narrow down one single type of flower.
“Open your eyes, Ash.”
My eyelids fluttered, adjusting to the light difference. As I began to take in everything around me, I grabbed his shirt for support. I damn near lost my footing at the place he’d brought me.
“Come on Ash. Say something. I wouldn’t ever fathom buying a house without a greenhouse. I love that you love my flowers and plants. It’s where we first kissed. It’s a place that reminds me of—well—me, the before me. Jesus, I brought you here too soon.”
The lump in my throat was so large, it was painful. Like a rounded, polished stone bobbing in my gullet.
I turned around and took it all in. There were roses covering the span of one wall in every hue and shade. And on the opposite wall, shelves, with such a myriad of orchids that I imagined the top botanists of the world would be green with envy.
Finally able to swallow again, I faced him, “Something doesn’t feel right. It feels—off.”
He squirmed under my criticism but I could only let him for a few moments without easing his pain, “I know what it is.”
“What?”
“You haven’t kissed me in this one. It’s not the same.”
The guilt washed over me for making him second guess this amazing place, so I tried my best to fix it. I grabbed two fistfuls of the top of his shirt and pulled him down to me. Our lips touched gently, the simplest of tender pleasures first. His hands soon found my waist and when he lifted me up to meet his height, he unlocked a fury. My legs knew what to do, they wrapped around his torso and I laughed into his mouth, my feet no longer able to lock completely around him anymore.
“What’s so funny,” he asked as he tasted the skin beneath my ear.
“You’re not skinny anymore. It’s like making out with a non green, non-growling Hulk.”
He thumped his forehead against mine, exasperated with me. “I’ll take it.”
Breaker
Knowing that she loved my home was one thing, but I knew in the back of my head this didn’t prove I was any better. And whether she would admit it or not, she wouldn’t be truly happy to see me until I could show her.
“What do you want to do today? Anything.”
“I wanna go home,” she said, smiling. Why in the hell was she smiling about going home?
She pulled me closer with her fingers hooked in the pocket of my jeans.
I took her home, half reluctant and half anxious. She ran up the stairs and turned back once to wave at me. I had four hours before I picked her up and she strongly suggested I come back in the car she saw parked in the driveway of my house.
I went home and made reservations at Stroube’s and went for a quick workout at the always open gym just to chill myself out. After going back home to shower and get dressed, I went to get her. I dressed in jeans and a gray button down shirt. I ‘d never been so nervous in all my life.
I pulled up at her apartment complex and there were several cars parked where there had been none the night or morning before. I got out and checked myself in the view of the window of the driver’s side door again for good measure.
I walked up the stairs and the door flew open before I reached the top step—Stephanie.
“Jesus, she wasn’t joking. You must’ve put on forty pounds.”
“Forty three, actually. Is she ready?”
“Almost,” she stepped out and shut the door behind her. “Listen, I just wanted to tell you, because she always thinks she talks too much. It causes her to not say things that she should and usually say too much about things she shouldn’t.”
I covered the smile on my face with my hand and she pointed me out, “Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. So I’m gonna say some things that she probably won’t. Number one: She loves you, like I’ve never seen one person love another. Two: Don’t you dare give up on yourself because she never has for one single second. Three: And this is such a violation of the friendship clause, treat her right because I’m pretty sure you’re not ever getting rid of her—like ever. You get me?”
“I would never ever hurt her.”
“You better not, Hulkamania.”
I followed her back inside and shook hands with Ozark who wasn’t at all the timid boy I’d met before. Stephanie nodded her head towards the bedroom and I went in after telling them both goodbye. They were making plans for a date of their own.
I knocked gently, more of an announcement than permission, and went in. She stood at the dresser pressing the backs onto a pair of earrings. She saw my reflection in the mirror.
“I’m sorry. I’m not usually so fickle. I hate girls who purposefully make themselves late just for the ext
ra attention. I wish I had a better excuse, but honestly, I just fell asleep in the bathtub.”
“No sweat. We’ve got time.”
In the time it took for her to turn around, I was fully enchanted with the way she looked. She was downright dangerously beautiful. She had a black dress on and purple heels that made her legs look inches longer than they were. Her hair had grown and it flowed over one shoulder. Images of how I could take advantage of her exposed shoulder fluttered through my mind. But tonight was not the night for it.
I needed to lay everything out on the table for her that night. I didn’t want her to invest anymore time in me than she wanted to. Honestly, everything was still a struggle. Yes, I could go to public places and deal with it, but my eardrums still tornadoed all the sounds around me and I still felt the wallop of my heart against the confines of my sternum. But instead of letting them dictate what I did, I could now take control of them myself. But she needed to know, a lucid, solid knowledge of the fact that it would be years before these symptoms would go away, if ever.
Everyone deserved to know, without a doubt, who they intended to spend the rest of their life with. I certainly intended to but after tonight, if she decided she didn’t want to stick it out with me, I would let her go. I was prepared to let her go.
We left the apartment and she was relieved to find I’d driven my car. I drove downtown and parked on the street between the restaurant and the Riverwalk. I picked a place with a quiet atmosphere so we could talk but also afforded her a quick exit if she decided to bolt.
We were seated in the back at a table for two. We skimmed our menus and decided on what to get. We both ordered the grilled chicken. She told me about her job and the woman who’d been caught stealing, her classes, how school was going. We finished eating and paid the check. I suggested walking on the Riverwalk but gestured to her heels, not knowing if she wanted to walk in those or not. She agreed and I knew that no matter how much I didn’t want to I had to explain everything.
