“I better go see if she’s okay.”
“Maaaack.” It came out very whiny. That hadn’t been my intention. I hated Whiny. But it couldn’t be helped.
“Just for a minute. She gets these terrible back pains. She can’t take care of them herself. If I get her settled, we’ll have some privacy again.”
“Tell her to take an aspirin.”
“Kate, really. She needs help. I know she can be trying, but she’s so alone.”
“She’s got her kid.”
“Kate. Please try to understand.”
“If we get married—”
“If? What happened to when?”
“When, then. When we get married, does she come with the package? Will she live with us too, or will I be the visitor? Will I have to make appointments to have you to myself?”
“I know this isn’t easy. I don’t know what to say, but believe me, I am sorry. I’ll find some way to work this out. But right now, I need to check on her real quick, and then I’ll tell her not to bother me again. I’ll come back and love you like I intend to. Okay?”
I didn’t answer right away. I let him wonder.
“Okay?” he said again.
“Fine. I’ll wait here.”
He kissed me. A quick peck. “I’ll be right back, then we’ll pick up where we left off.”
I hated to tell him, but I couldn’t see how that was going to happen. “Hmm.”
He sighed. “Just hang on, okay? I’ll be back in a jiffy.”
He pulled his clothes back on and I curled up in a blanket.
After fifteen minutes of listening to their muffled voices through the door, things became quiet. Mack didn’t return. I got dressed, peeked out, and then tiptoed down the hall and through the living room.
No one was around. A strip of light shone under the kitchen door. And I heard the faucet, like it was filling a glass. I thought Mack was in there. Maybe Jackie had gone to bed. That is, if vultures from hell sleep. Probably not. She was most likely standing right there in the room, invisible, watching me slink out like a frightened mouse.
What the hell. Let her. She couldn’t hurt me.
Well, that wasn’t exactly true. She could humiliate me, she could take my boyfriend from my side at a whim, she could storm in on our private moments and steal him from my side in an instant, she could make him do her bidding at any time, place, or circumstance. She could lead her brother away from me and cause him to break my heart.
I didn’t know where her apparition hovered in the room, but I attempted to be brave and bellicose like Sheila would be and I threw up my hand in a rude gesture, just on the chance that she could see me standing there in the dark.
I carefully shut the front door behind me, feeling better for holding my own on my trek through the living room. Sheila would have been proud.
Well, maybe not proud. But she might have thought she saw a glimmer of hope for me yet.
Chapter 38
Mack called me the next morning.
“Hello?”
“Kate?”
“Hi.”
“Why’d you leave?”
I knew he’d ask me. I’d been preparing myself to answer. “There’s no room there for all of us.”
“Is that some kind of ultimatum?”
Oops. I hadn’t meant it to sound like that.
“Well, Kate?”
How fast could I backpedal? “No, of course not. If we’re going to spend time together, we’d better do it at my place. Until Jackie moves back out.”
He was quiet a long while.
“She is going to…move back out, right? Mack?”
“Eventually. Probably.”
“She’s very needy.”
“Exactly.”
“Exactly.”
“What do you mean, Kate?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t see how this is going to work.”
“Are you giving up already?”
Now I was quiet a long while.
“I’m confused. I’m angry. I’m hurt. She says jump, you say how high? She says come, you say I’m here. I say Mack, you say just a minute, Jackie needs me. I don’t know what to do with that.”
His turn again to be silent.
“Will you give me some time? I’ll talk to her. Try to get her to understand and give us some room.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry to say this—but I will because I think it might help you understand—but I don’t think she is very fond of you.”
“No duh,” I said. Very mature.
“She feels threatened by you, I think.”
“Oh, is that it? I figured she just wanted to kill me or something.”
“Don’t joke like that.”
“Well, maybe not kill, but do serious bodily harm.”
“Kate, please.”
“Mack, face it. She hates me. She despises me. She loathes me.”
“She’s had a hard life.”
“She doesn’t want me to be a part of yours.”
“Let me talk to her.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’d love for you to find some way to work this out. But frankly, I just can’t see it.”
“We’ll figure out something. I won’t give you up, Kate. I do love you.”
That was encouraging to hear. It nurtured my dying confidence just enough to blossom hope. A tiny, spindly, baby shoot, mind you, but hope nonetheless.
“I love you too. I truly do, even if it doesn’t sound like it. I just am overwhelmed. I’m sorry I’m being such a pain,” I said.
“Remember, together we’ll face whatever comes our way, and we’ll get through it. I promise.”
“Okay.”
“I’m at work and late for a meeting. I better go. Do you work tonight?”
“I’m supposed to.”
“I’ll try calling you when I get home. Will you turn your phone off when you’re sleeping so I won’t wake you up?”
“Sure. It’ll be safe. Call whenever you can. I’ll probably nap on and off.”
“Kate, don’t worry. We’ll get through this.”
“All right. I’ll try.”
“I love you, Bright Eyes.”
“I love you,” I answered. “Bye.”
He hung up and I went to bed.
***
The phone rang six or seven times and Kate didn’t answer. Jim hung up. It’d be a good time to talk to Jackie. The way he approached her would be important. Just one wrong word could set her off.
He opened his door and went into the living room.
Jackie sat at the computer desk, playing solitaire. Her baby lay in the playpen, where she always stayed. Jackie was so detached from her. This new baby couldn’t take the place of her lost children. She wanted her Zoe and Jack back. And this poor little one suffered for it. He’d made efforts to take her out himself to play with and talk to her, but Jackie scolded him and said he would spoil her if he kept it up. She was such a quiet baby, he didn’t think Jackie needed to worry about spoiling her.
“Jackie, we need to talk.”
“What about?” she said, clicking her mouse and moving a stack of cards onto a King.
“It’s about Kate. We need to talk about things.”
“I don’t want to talk about her.” She kept staring at the cards, clicking on the cards, moving the cards.
“Please. This is something we need to discuss.”
“There is nothing to discuss. You can date whomever you wish. Girlfriends come, girlfriends go. I have patience, and when you’re tired of her, we’ll just go on as before.”
Jim took the handles of her chair and pulled her back from the computer. Jackie grabbed the edge of the desk, trying to hold her place. “Let go of my chair, Jim.”
“I need you to listen to me. You can play your card game when we’re through.” It took all his self-control to not lose his temper and snap at her. Sometimes she could be so trying.
“Please, Jackie. Just a few minutes.”
She held on a bit longer, then finally relented and let go of the desk, folding her arms demurely in her lap. Jim wheeled her near the couch and sat down across from her.
“You need to know I’m planning to keep seeing her. She’s going to be around and you need to get used to the idea.”
Jackie’s eyes narrowed. Jim knew it would be hard for her to hear this. She always resented anyone who took his time.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Kate will not bump you from my life. You’ll always have a place.”
Jackie huffed a breath out her nose. Jim didn’t think she believed him.
“My back is getting tight. Rub my shoulders. You can talk and massage at the same time.” She opened the bottle of Percocet she kept in her pocket and dry-swallowed a pill.
Jim obliged her request for him to massage her shoulders, glad she was willing to stay and listen. She never faced change well. He stood behind her chair and began kneading the ever-present knots in her muscles.
“She isn’t so bad. Over time, you two might even become friends.”
Jackie sat silently, letting Jim work the pain out of her back.
“She’s pregnant.”
Jackie tightened up beneath his hands.
“Pregnant?” she said.
“Yes. It’s complicated.”
“It’s not your baby. You said you haven’t—”
“I know. But I plan to help her, whatever she decides to do.”
“How noble.” Then her shoulders tensed up like steel. She grabbed his hands and pulled him in front of her where he could see her eyes had narrowed into pencil lines.
“She’s another one, isn’t she?”
Jim hesitated. He hadn’t wanted to tell her. It was hard on her when she learned about Nichole Trent’s delivery.
“Tell me the truth.”
“Yes.”
“And what are you going to do about it?”
“Jackie,” Jim said, “I am going to take care of her.”
“You do whatever you damn well please. No regard for me.”
“That’s not true and you know it.”
“It feels like it.”
Jim pressed his lips together to keep from saying something he’d regret. The woman could tempt angels to curse.
“I always put you first, Jackie. I promised you I would, and I’ve never broken that promise.”
“Well, don’t go starting now. Sounds like you’re ready to dump me into the street, just to placate the little tart so she can get what she wants. Wouldn’t she be laughing to see me out of your life.”
“Nothing like that is going to happen. Just be patient. It’s all going to work out. Please try.”
Jackie was silent. She motioned for Jim to return to his place behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders again, her back muscles hard and spasming beneath his fingers.
“Please?” Jim said again.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Thank you.” He leaned down and placed a brotherly kiss on her cheek.
“But I don’t want her spending the night here. That’s just too disruptive. She might wake up the baby, or frighten her.”
“Okay.”
“That little escapade you pulled last night was pretty upsetting. Move to the left there, on that knot. Feel that? Yes, right there. That’s better.”
Jim worked on the kink, thinking about the conversation. He was glad it went as well as it did. Little by little, he would help Jackie ease into the idea that he planned to keep Kate close. He couldn’t expect too much too soon. But in time, she’d come around. He needed Kate. And he couldn’t let even his sister drive her away from him.
“As long as you’ve interrupted my game,” Jackie said in a calmer tone, “you might as well update me. You haven’t told me anything for days. How’s the research for Dr. Adams? And I still don’t know if your DNA sequencing proposal was accepted or not.”
Jim was relieved Jackie was ready to drop the subject and have their usual discussion about his work. She always wanted him to tell her the details of his job and the gossip of the hospital. He relaxed and had the optimistic feeling that everything was going to work out just the way he wanted.
***
I went by Mack’s lab in the morning after I got off work. He was sitting at his desk doing paperwork when I looked in.
“Hi.”
“Kate,” he said with a smile, “how do you feel?”
“Fine.” Bloated. Exhausted. “I’m okay.” Cranky. Have to pee all the time.
“You look great,” he said, still smiling.
The man had no taste.
“Looks like we kept missing each other before I came in last night,” I said.
“I took Jackie out to dinner. She needed a break.”
I hoped when I bared my teeth at him he thought it was a smile.
But the growl might have given me away.
“Good news. We talked and she’s ready to give it a go.”
“Really?” Call the moving truck! “I wouldn’t have predicted that so soon.”
“Well, it’s not all said and done. We’ll have to be patient, but she’s going to try, and that’s saying a lot.”
Geez. Cancel the moving truck.
“What exactly is she ‘giving a go’?” I asked.
“She’s going to try to be your friend.”
“No way she said that.”
He looked shocked. Insulted.
“I mean, it’s just hard to imagine. Such change. So quickly.”
“Kate, you act as if she’s terrible.”
“I only meant, um, I’m just surprised.”
“She is trying. Really. Her life is hard. You can’t forget that. She said she’s going to try harder. What more can we ask?”
For her to fall off the planet? “Okay. You’re right. That’s a step in the right direction.” I chewed my lip, hooked my hair over my ear, then said, “Can I ask a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why did she move in with you?”
“It’s just temporary.”
“She get evicted or something?”
“No, nothing like that. She was feeling uneasy living alone. Even frightened. You know, with crimes on the rise, like the kidnappings, for instance. She wanted to have another adult around, especially with her disability. She didn’t feel adequate to take care of the baby if there was some kind of emergency.”
“I see.” I didn’t really. Jackie didn’t strike me as a woman who felt inadequate. Any alarm she experienced had to be from belief she might lose the tight grip on her puppet, her devoted admirer, her servant, her meal ticket. I imagined it had little to do with fear over her baby.
But I couldn’t tell him that. So I changed the subject, doing my best to keep from sounding grumpy.
“Did you find out the meds Nikki was on?”
“Not yet. Now her whole chart is gone. I went to Medical Records myself, and they sent me to Archives, and they sent me back to Records, and they suggested I go to the floor. I’ve been on a wild goose chase.”
“What should we do? I can’t remember what the medications were. I’ve racked my brain, but can’t come up with them.”
“We’ll have to hope that chart shows up soon.”
“Right.” Wish I could evoke some of his eternal optimism.
“We’ll figure it out. I’m already looking into the steroids. They may be the most important.”
“It better be soon. We might already be too late.”
“Kate, I’m trying.” He said it like I’d suggested he wasn’t.
A yawn snuck out before I could stop it. “I have to go to bed. I’m exhausted.”
Mack bent to kiss me good-bye and I gave him my cheek. I didn’t look at him and scooted out the door toward home.
Chapter 39
Sheila and I worked together on my next shift. And we had lunch break at the same time again. There were more nurses on than the night we’d been alone together,
but once break rolled around, Sheila motioned for me to come sit with her at her table.
I looked behind me to see who she was gesturing to, thinking it had to be one of her Black Lung friends. But no one was there. I pointed to myself, probably looking like the idiot she thought I was, and she rolled her eyes while jerking her head in an emphatic nod.
With tray in hand, I meandered among the empty tables to make my way to her private area.
“I need to talk to you,” she said. “Sit.”
So I sat.
She started without preamble. “So you’re pregnant.”
The hinge to my jaw let loose. “How’d you know that?”
“I can tell.”
I looked down at my middle. The soft bulge that had always embarrassed me looked exactly like it always had.
“I can,” she said.
No way. She couldn’t be clairvoyant. And I’d bet my grilled ham and cheese she wasn’t that skilled as a nurse. “Nuh-uh,” I said with more conviction than I felt. Maybe she was a little psychic. It would go well with the psycho.
“Okay. People talk.”
Phew. (I’d hate to think she’d ever read my mind.)
“What people? Nobody knows.”
“Sure they do. Pam in Blood Bank told me.”
Pam was one of Sheila’s Black Lung friends.
“How on earth did Pam know?”
“Her boyfriend from Central Supply.”
“And his source?”
“You think I’m going to check everyone’s references before I let them tell me something? What’s it matter?”
“It does matter. I haven’t told anybody,” I said.
“Somebody has. Does Mackenzie know? Or is he not the father?”
No, he’s the uncle.
“Of course he knows.” I got around that question like an expert smooth-talker.
“You can worry about who told your little secret. I won’t spread it around. I have my own problems. That’s what I need you for.”
“What?” I said, not certain I really wanted to hear.
“Remember that day you mixed up scrub jackets with me?” Right. I mixed up the jackets.
“You had a list of drugs and doses in your pocket. I need to know those drugs. Do you still have the list?” she said.
Sirens went off in my brain. My eyes popped before I could hide my reaction. For starters, just hearing about that list and being reminded it’d been in my pocket gave me sudden hope it might be in my junk basket at home.
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