Perhaps I am just allowing my own jealousy to come to the fore. Yes, that must be it. Surely she cannot be all that bad? I think I have come to the conclusion that I do not like being a companion. I neither have the patience or the character to be a person who can provide personal support. I do know my status in life, and it is my ambition to share my education, and not be a nursemaid to anyone.
By the time we return to the hotel, I am almost ready to plead my case for us to return home, to the Duke’s residence. My day has been difficult, watching the young Lady Harriet preen herself in front of her peers. However, I know if I’m patient just a little longer, I will have my reward in the form of Lord Guy’s company. This is all that carries me through my time accompanying Lady Harriet.
In the evening I dine alone. Not for the first time since our arrival in Bath, but this time I feel a loneliness that has not presented before. Lord Guy has been an attentive dining companion, up until this day. Now, my curiosity is maddening and I do wonder at where he could have gone to. Lady Harriet has taken a small meal in her room, as her appetite has not yet fully returned. I feel sure had Lord Guy been here, she would have eaten in the dining room with us.
After dinner I attend to my charge and listen to her chatter as she tells me about her day, who she saw and who said what to whom. Of course, I am fully aware of the whole event as I was there, but that does not seem to make any difference. Lady Harriet’s head is full of nonsense, and the sooner she returns to the classroom, the sooner I can put something intelligent in there.
Though it is doubtful she will ever return to the classroom. I cannot help but feel a certain pity that a woman of such means appears to have the intelligence of a frog. Perhaps that may be an insult to the poor frog, but I do wish I could shake the silliness out of said Lady Harriet.
Finally, she tires and falls asleep as I sit by her bedside, reading the latest Jane Austin novel, which is a sheer delight. At last, I can meander to my own room and perhaps see if Lord Guy has returned yet. Quietly, I leave the maid in the room and make my way to my own quarters.
Chapter 12
I return to my room and wait for Guy’s arrival, changing into my nightdress in anticipation of our lovemaking. Suddenly, the thought hits me, that once Lady Harriet is up and about, we may never get the opportunity to make love together. We will be limited to sneaky rendezvous in the early hours of the morning, to continue our illicit tryst.
Up to now, Guy and I have not discussed how we will manage our relationship in the future. I have been so enraptured at being completely in love with such a handsome young man, that I have thought of nothing and no one but myself. I wonder if he will break off his engagement with Lady Harriet, for me? Does he love me enough to do that, to face the scandal that would ensue? I hope so, for I am willing to go through all the terrible gossip and malicious whispers, if he is. I am resolved to speaking with him on this very matter this evening, to see if he has also been thinking it over. Surely he would want this as much as I, or why else would he have worked so hard to earn my devotions?
I fall asleep whilst waiting for him. When I awake, I see it is the early hours of the morning. Now I begin to worry for him as he has been out all day without letting anyone know where he was going. Concerned for his safety, I decide to surreptitiously creep off to his room. The hallways are left lit all night with oil lamps. Fortunately his room is not far from mine, and thankfully, I see no one on the journey there. Besides, if Guy agrees this evening to take our relationship forward, then I will not have to sneak around for much longer.
I reach his door unobserved, and turn the handle. As usual, his room is unlocked, so I quietly enter. I cannot understand why he never feels the need to lock his door. This is a public hotel and anyone could walk into a room. Still, Guy is a powerfully built man and he could probably fight off an intruder. Still, it is risky; it is something I will speak to him about.
As I close the door behind me, I can hear a noise from his bedroom, a quiet moaning sound, and wonder if he is asleep and having a nightmare. Unlike my own small room, both Lady Harriet and Lord Guy have a suite of rooms. Slowly, I approach the bedroom door and I can see there is a light on; perhaps he is awake after all.
Opening the door I am confronted with a dreadful sight. Guy is indeed awake, and straddling him is a naked female. I feel violently sick and cannot believe what my eyes are telling me. I have been played for a fool.
Neither of them notices me; they are so occupied in their lovemaking. I watch, totally transfixed as they copulate together, oblivious to my presence. In my shock I let out a small gasp of horror at the vision before me.
“Ah, Miss Blackwood,” I hear Guy’s voice; his female companion gasps in shock and makes some attempt to cover her modesty.
“It’s fine, she is just the governess,” he says, cruelly. “Please, do shut the door on your way out.”
Which, I do. I don’t know how but I manage to return to my own room. I find myself lying on my bed, sobbing out my heart to a pillow. I just don’t understand; I truly believed that Guy loved me. He had told me so many times how beautiful he found me. Why had I allowed him to bed me out of marriage? Why, oh why had I done that? Because I had believed him, that’s why. I believed his lies. I had thought that he genuinely loved me. Now, I feel such a fool, such a stupid fool. My emotions are in a terrible turmoil, jumping from self-pity to extreme sadness. The tears flow and I am completely devastated. Before long a new emotion arises, one of anger and hatred. It is true what they say about a woman scorned, if he was here now, in front of me, I could not be held responsible for my actions.
For the rest of the evening, I lay restlessly in my bed, my head in turmoil as I try to come to terms with his deception. I must have fallen asleep though as the next thing I know, I am roused from my slumber by a knock at my door. I drag myself out of bed to unlock the door and see the maid carrying my breakfast tray. Automatically, I take it out of her hands and thank her.
“Ma’am, are you not well?” she asks me, a worried frown on her face.
“No, no I’m not,” I reply, slowly coming to my senses. “Could you kindly take the tray away, I do not wish to breakfast this morning,” I instruct her.
She gives me a small curtsey and a warm smile, “Yes, of course, ma’am. Shall I get you an apothecary?”
“No, no, that will not be necessary. It is not medicine I need, but a new head,” I reply.
“Do you have a headache, ma’am? I can bring you something for it if you wish?” she kindly offers.
“I will be fine, thank you for your concern. Though could you kindly get a message to Lady Harriet for me?”
I hand her a note that I had written in the early hours. It is merely a message indicating that I am not well, and could the maid arrange for to find her a new companion for a few days. I wrote this as I did not wish to see either Lady Harriet or Lord Guy. I need time to decide what I am to do with myself, now that I know how I have been fooled. She takes the note and I shut my door. I am in no fit state to face the problems of the world, today. In all honesty, I feel the tears begin to fall down my cheeks once again. At first I feel sheer anger at being so easily deceived. Now, I feel mortified and tearful. Climbing back into my bed, I allow myself to sob. Feeling tired, I hope that I may fall asleep again and shut out the world.
Chapter 13
I am emotionally drained, and manage a fitful sleep, all day. When I awaken, I cry some more and lay there wallowing in my own despair. No one knocks on my door to enquire after me, and I feel so completely alone.
Lady Harriet is probably so wrapped up in been seen in public with her beau, that the matter of a different companion will be of no consequence to her. She will leave it to Lord Guy to organize and simply take a maid with her meanwhile. As for Guy, he has not contacted me with any sort of explanation, but then why should he? I was simply a toy for him, something to pass away a few dull hours while his fiancé was ready to entertain him once again.
In
a sense I feel pity for Lady Harriet. She is marrying a philanderer and a womanizer. She does not know it yet, and I doubt she would even believe it if I told her. I know it would do no good trying to warn her, and besides, it would only bring public shame to myself. Perhaps it will suit her, this sort of marriage, and she will have discreet lovers of her own. I have heard that it was common in the ton, for married couples to have discreet lovers. Of course the woman could never admit to this, so as not to disgrace the family name.
I am completely crushed. How foolish I have been. Feeling utter shame at having allowed Lord Guy to lead me so astray I do not know what I was thinking. I was not thinking - that was the problem. I did not consider Lady Harriet or the consequences of my actions. What I find most annoying with myself, is that I always thought myself an independent woman of intelligence. How could I have duped in this way?
Now, once again, I feel that I never want to have a relationship with a man, and I will certainly never marry. There was only one man for me, despite my dalliance with Guy, and he is lost to me forever. I take some comfort in the knowledge that our love was true, and we were only separated by death. I must remind myself of this constantly, and never be led astray again. Though I do not fully blame Guy, how could I? I also played my part in the dance of desire.
What to do now, though? That is the question. As the day wears on and my mind rests in sleep, each time I awaken I see things more clearly. When the darkness descends outside of my window, I know it is time to shake myself and clear my head. I must think this situation out clearly. I have been used, tricked and fooled, but ultimately I have only myself to blame for my weaknesses.
I decide to rise and face the world head on. I cannot manage to eat in public, but I do need some sustenance, so decide to dress and go down to the reception and order some dinner to be served in my room. Although the water in the large water jug is now cold, I pour it into the large bowl and cleanse myself. Then I dress accordingly and make my way downstairs.
I am stood at the reception ordering my food, when I am approached by the maid who is waiting on Lady Harriet.
“I have been asked if you would kindly come to speak with Lady Harriet as she is requesting your presence?” she instructs me, then turns to direct me towards Lady Harriet.
I follow her, with a growing dread in my heart. Does she know? Surely Guy would not be foolish enough to tell her. We enter the hotel bar and I find myself standing in front of Lady Harriet and Lord Guy.
“Miss Blackwood,” Guy was the one to speak with me, as Lady Harriet was preoccupied whispering into his ear and giggling. “I was sad to hear that you are unwell. I trust you are recovered?”
“No, my Lord, I am not. I will be returning by the coach, on the morrow,” I answer, briefly.
“You are leaving me alone then?” Lady Harriet announces, in her usual selfish manner.
“I did send you notice, Lady Harriet, requesting that you find a new companion,” I reply, wishing I was a hundred miles from here.
“Yes, Guy has arranged for me to have another companion. Oh, here she comes, so you can meet her,” she said.
I turn to look at the approaching figure who was to take my role as Lady Harriet’s companion, and am dumbstruck to see it is Lord Guy’s new lover. She is a very pretty thing, and I can see what it is about her that attracts him. She gives me a curt nod, and I return the greeting. She shows no indication that she recognizes me from the night before, and simply smiles at me before going to stand besides Lady Harriet.
I look at Guy and see the smirk on his face. My knees shake in anger and I feel an urgent need to remove myself, before I lose control and tell them all exactly what I think.
“I am turning in early,” I manage to say, through clenched teeth. “It is a long journey.”
I did not wait for a reply and simply turned, making my way to the stairs that will lead me to the safety of my own room. There, I can lock them all out. As far as I am concerned, I really do not care if I never see any of them again.
Chapter 14
My return journey seems to be a cursed one. We pull in to the coaching inn, in the early hours of the morning, thanks to the horrendous weather and water logged roads. It was not helped by the fact that the coach was overloaded with people. I myself was packed inside, between two rather large ladies, and opposite us sat their respective husbands. Not only did we have passengers on the roof, but also balancing on the back, and the sides. I had been lucky on my journey here, we used the express coach, which made fewer stops and took on fewer passengers. Unfortunately, in my haste to leave Bath I had to take the first available coach and that was the mail coach. Not the most comfortable of rides, but nonetheless, it serves my purpose.
The inn keeper stayed awake for our arrival, and supper is served in the dining room of the inn, albeit reheated in a large pot on the blazing fire. That meal seemed to me, one of the tastiest lamb stews I have ever eaten, but then I am very cold and hungry. After dinner we make our way to our rooms where I shared with the two ladies I have been seated with. I take the smaller bed, and they share the larger one. That night, once again, I sob myself to sleep. My two room companions are completely unaware of my distress as they noisily snored themselves to sleep.
The weather, the next day, does not improve; if anything it seems to worsen. It rains constantly, slowing down our journey to almost a crawl in some of the heavily waterlogged areas. We are all cold and miserable, cramped together uncomfortably, on the inside. Goodness knows of the condition of passengers hanging on to the outside. I dread the coach having an accident, or even worse, I have heard of highway robberies, particularly targeting the mail coach. Hopefully, the rain and wind will put off any road bandits, who, if they had any good sense, will prefer to stay nice and warm in their homes.
Finally, we make it to Rochester, without any further drama. The Duke’s personal carriage awaits me, upon my arrival, ready to transport me to his home. I have considered going straight to my own home and seeking the comfort of my parents, but that would not be fair on the children or the Duke. I need to consider what I will do with my situation. I know that I can never face Lord Guy ever again, my shame is too deep. Never will I forgive myself for what I did, how I allowed myself to be seduced by someone who is obviously a cad. Hopefully, no one will ever hear of my shameful behaviour. I cannot see Lord Guy boasting that he bedded the governess; it would not stand him up very well in in the eyes of the Duke.
When I reach the house, the Duke and the children are there to greet me. It fills my heart with joy to see that at least the children missed me. We join together in one of the smaller parlors and I tell them all about Bath, and the terrible coach ride. They have not journeyed too much in their short lives, but I personally do not think they are missing out on anything.
As a treat, I organize a trip to the sea for tomorrow. It will be good to walk on the beaches and let the sea air clear my mind. It will also do the children some good.
The children are called to dinner and I retire to my room to unpack. I am pleasantly surprised to find a dinner tray in my room. It seems I am accepted by cook, at last.
I close my door on the family and sit and sit at my small table, to eat my meal. My appetite is still poor and as I sit there picking at my food, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. I cannot help myself; I am heartbroken, still unable to believe that I have been so deceived. This is not an experience I will overcome quickly. I should be thankful that we were not seen together, that would have been unbearable.
A small knock at my door, and I quickly dry my eyes to go and answer. As I open the door, I see little Laurence stood there, tears streaming down his cheeks. Normally, I would try not to get personally attached to my charges, but I think we both needed a hug. Picking him up, I took him to my chair, and we comforted one another in our cuddle.
I had left the door ajar, and suddenly I heard a small girl’s voice, “We’ve all missed you, Miss Blackwood. We did not think that you would want to leave Ba
th and return to us.”
“Come in, Phoebe, don’t speak to me from the corridor,” I say, signaling for her to enter. Whilst she was not crying, she did look very sad.
I now sat with a child on each of my knees. It is such a delight to feel their love, a genuine love at that. The children had really missed me, and they have not known me that long. I must have made an impression in their lives. Once again, I resolve never to marry and have children, there are enough lonely children in the world and I would care for them instead. That was to be my life’s achievement.
Shortly afterwards, I had all four children in my room and their youthful joy and infectious giggles cheered me no end. Maybe life wasn’t so bad after all.
Chapter 15
The next day we set off to walk the three miles, or so, to the local beach. We are accompanied by two housemaids, who help to carry the picnic between them. I know it will be a long walk for the smaller children’s little legs, but the exercise will do them good, and we have all day to get there and back. The journey to the beach is not too tiring, as the children are excited about the prospect of a day by the sea. Walking to the beach is not something they have done before, usually they would take a carriage, but today I felt we all needed the time outdoors.
ROMANCE: His Reluctant Heart (Historical Western Victorian Romance) (Historical Mail Order Bride Romance Fantasy Short Stories) Page 77
