And then I glanced over at the bedside table. There was a note sitting there in an unfamiliar scrawl.
A—I can’t do this. Not today. I’m so sorry, I can’t be here right now. C
My heart dropped like I was plummeting ten stories downward. The note was unbearably cryptic, the kind of thing I might expect from someone who relished drama. Except for the fact that I knew Carson, and he was the opposite of dramatic. He was strong and thoughtful, noble and careful, sweet and laid back. I blinked down at the words, reading them again and again until I had them memorized.
I can’t do this. Did he mean that he couldn’t be with me? Was he trying to tell me that he was ending things between us? That was absurd, just a few hours ago he had been snuggling into me, wrapping the blanket around both of us, tangling his fingers with my own.
Not today. What was today? It was Friday, the last full day of the trip. Was he concerned about parting ways the next day? But, no, that made zero sense. Why would he leave if he was worried about having to leave?
I’m so sorry. He cared about me—I knew it, and those words proved it. Carson did not want to hurt me, even if he thought he had to. He was sorry…about leaving, about this riddle of a note, about the fact that I had to wake up alone.
I can’t be here right now. He couldn’t be in the bed? At Abshire Manor? In Ponderosa? I could only guess at how broadly he meant that last statement.
My pulse was pounding wildly as I threw on my clothes and ran across the hall, the note crumpled in my hand. I called his name as I pounded on Dom’s door, but it just swung open, revealing an empty room. Turning around, I headed for my own bedroom—but to no avail. He was not in any of the bathrooms upstairs, and when I ran down to the kitchen he was still nowhere to be found.
“Carson?!” I called, dashing into the living room.
Alistair looked up from his tablet. “Ainsley? What’s going on?”
I skidded to a halt a few feet from the couch and held up the note helplessly. “Have you seen Carson anywhere?”
“Not since last night,” said Alistair, shaking his head. “Did you need him for something?”
“He—I think he is in trouble.”
Alistair quirked one eyebrow. “What gave you that idea?”
“I woke up and he was gone,” I blurted out, and then froze. It had not even occurred to me to censor my story for Alistair’s benefit. The adrenaline coursing through my veins was warping my judgment, making it impossible to think straight. And, to be quite honest, it was preventing me from giving a hell about what anyone thought about my relationship with Carson.
“You woke up and he was gone,” Alistair repeated, staring at me.
“He was—we were—last night—”
Comprehension dawned on Alistair’s face. “Ah, you two were…you woke up and he was gone from the room where you—er—both slept?” I steeled myself for whatever kind of reaction Alistair might have to hearing that I was sleeping with a man under his roof—or at least, the roof he had rented. To my utter shock, Alistair just gave a brisk little nod and said, “Go on.”
I narrowed my eyes, but pressed on, more worried about Carson than Alistair. “He left me this note. I think something happened to him, while I was asleep. This is—he wouldn’t just leave unless there was some kind of emergency.”
“Give it here,” Alistair said, holding out his hand. I gave it to him, nearly bouncing out of my skin while I waited for him to read and digest it. “Ah, it sounds like he may be having some kind of second thoughts. I’m so sorry, son. It’s obvious that you care for him.”
I shook my head vehemently. “You do not know Carson the way I do.”
“Didn’t you two just meet this week?” Alistair said pointedly.
“Yes, and in that time, I have fallen in love with him, so if you would give me that note back, I am going to find him and help him deal with whatever the hell spooked him so badly that he took off in the night and left me—”
“You’re in love with him?” Alistair asked, and to my utter shock, a smile spread across his face. “Ainsley, I have always worried about how alone you are. This is—you’re clearly stressed, this isn’t the right time to say this, but—I am so happy for you. I want your life to be full, for you to have people in your life who care about you. Myself included, of course, but a lover as well.”
My jaw dropped. “Seriously? Seriously?”
“Of course,” he said, “you’re my son. I want the best for you. So, let’s go find Carson and help him with whatever’s going on.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “You’re serious. My god, you really meant that. Alistair—”
“Let’s go. I’ll call Sydney, she and Beau went out to do some shopping. You search the rest of the house and make sure he’s not here. Meet back here in five minutes.”
I did not have to be told twice. As Alistair pulled out his phone, I dashed off to check every room in the house. By the time I got back to the living room, he was just hanging up.
“What did she say?” I asked.
“She didn’t pick up,” he said. “I left a voicemail with her, and one with Beau. Dominic’s and Carson’s phones went straight to voicemail, too. Would you like to search the grounds?”
“I can’t just sit here, knowing that he’s in trouble,” I said, nodding. “Let’s go, let’s—thank you, Alistair. Seriously, your help is…unexpected but greatly appreciated.”
“This is what family is for,” Alistair told me, smiling. “And I am trying to be your family again. Thank you for giving me a chance.”
We headed outside, and I saw immediately that Carson’s car was still parked in front of Abshire Manor. “That means he must be within walking distance. And I cannot imagine he went very far; his ankle hurts him if he puts too much strain on it.”
“What kind of radius should we be looking at?” Alistair asked.
“He and I walked to this waterfall the other day, that was maybe an hour roundtrip. So—oh god.” I stopped short, my brain whirring. Carson was a swimmer. He found water soothing, loved to be in water more than he liked being on land. He had told me as much that day at the waterfall. “Alistair, that must be where he went. If he was upset, he would’ve gone to swim. That’s what he does, he—god, he shouldn’t be in the water if he’s upset. Shit, we have to get out there.”
I started running for the backyard, but stopped short when Alistair called my name. “Ainsley, hold up a second!”
“He needs me,” I said desperately. “I need to get to him right now—”
“Which is why we’re going to take the Gator,” Alistair said, catching up and grabbing me by the arm, steering me toward the barn. When we got to the other side of it, I found myself staring at a bright green and yellow John Deere utility vehicle that was hooked up to an electric charger. “This thing goes sixty miles per hour—still think running there is the best option?”
“Oh my god,” I gasped, already reaching to unplug it. Alistair slid confidently into the driver’s seat, and nodded pointedly at the passenger seat.
“Let me drive,” I commanded, but he just shook his head.
“You’re losing your mind with worry, it’s safer if I drive. You just sit there and think about what you’re going to say to Carson when we find him.”
And just like that, we were speeding away. I directed Alistair to the trail, and then let my mind wander as he steered us expertly along the wooded path.
Carson, Carson, Carson, I thought anxiously. Please be okay. I need you to be okay. I’m coming, baby, I’m coming for you.
By the time we could hear the waterfall, the trail was narrowing to the point where Alistair had to slow to nearly a crawl. I hopped off, breaking into a run as I headed for the water. The pool came into view, and I looked around wildly. He was nowhere to be seen. Panic began clouding my vision.
I had been so sure that he would be at the waterfall. He had told me how much he loved water, even shown me when he took off his clothes and jumped
in. He had held my hand as we stepped under the waterfall and behind it—
Without bothering to strip down, I plunged into the water. It was cool against my skin, but I barely noticed, determined as I was to reach the fall. I was there in record time, clambering over the rocks and charging through the falling water, eventually slamming my way into the cavern and falling to the ground. It knocked the wind out of me, but when I looked up I felt nothing but relief.
Carson and Dom were sitting there, gaping at me. Dom was holding a small glass pipe and a lighter, which I barely registered before I was scrambling toward Carson, the note still clutched in my hand. I brandished it at him, realizing all at once that it was dripping wet, and that I probably looked like Samara climbing out of the well in The Ring.
“Carson, I need you to listen to me,” I said, clearing my throat.
“Ainsley—”
“No, you left me this note, and—and maybe you want to call it quits. Maybe you want me to leave you alone. If you tell me that, without any cryptic language or puzzles, I’ll leave you alone. I really will. But here’s the thing: whatever’s going on with you, I want to help fix it. I want you to be happy, Carson, and healthy, and provided for. I want that more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. And if you ask me to go, I will. But if you ask me to stay, I will be there with you through every challenge you encounter, starting with whatever happened last night after I fell asleep. Because I am in love with you, Carson Powell. Your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me. And I will do whatever it takes to ensure it—I will move literal mountains for you if it comes to that. So, please, ask me to stay. I am begging you to ask me to stay.”
There was a beat of silence, and then Dom turned to Carson with wide eyes. “You’re been shacking up with Ainsley all week and you didn’t think to mention it?”
Carson’s eyes were wide and bloodshot, his mouth hanging open, and his gaze slightly unfocused. My eyes shot back to the pipe in Dom’s hand, and I asked, “Is he stoned?”
“Uh, yeah,” Dom said sheepishly. “Really fucking stoned.”
“What the hell is going on?” I demanded, looking back and forth between the two of them.
“Eight years ago today,” Carson said softly, “I survived a bridge collapse. And my family didn’t.”
My eyes widened, and a rush of sadness flooded me. “Oh, Carson, I—can I touch you?”
He nodded at once, and I scooted over to wrap an arm around him, pulling him in so that his head was resting on my chest.
“We normally chill at home and smoke weed on the anniversary,” Dom explained. “He thought he would be okay this year, being away, but—”
“But I fucked it up,” Carson mumbled.
“No, baby, you didn’t fuck anything up,” I assured him.
“I did,” he argued, though there was no fight in his voice. “I wanted to spend the day with you. Wanted to savor our time together, but…that’s not fair to them. They deserve my grief. It’s my job to remember them. I’m the only one left, it’s my job.”
I looked at Dom helplessly, and he shrugged. “I’ve been trying to tell him all morning that they would want him to be happy, that they would understand that everyone grieves differently, but…”
“Carson,” I murmured. “Carson, baby, you get whatever you need today, okay? If you want to stay here and…and keep smoking weed in a hidden cavern, we can do that. If you want to go back and sleep it off at the house, we can take you back. And…and if you want me to leave you alone, I can do that too. Your note said—”
“I was panicking,” he said sleepily, his lips brushing my chest as he spoke. “When I wrote that, I mean. I was panicking, I didn’t think it through. You—” He sat up abruptly, looking suddenly more awake. “How did you know where to find me?”
“It was just a hunch,” I admitted. “You mentioned that you find water soothing, and I knew you weren’t far because your car is still in the driveway. Alistair and I drove out here on the Gator.”
“You asked Alistair for help?” Carson asked, cracking just the hint of a smile.
“I did,” I said, laughing shakily. “And that’s thanks to you, by the way. I’m done taking my family for granted, Carson.”
“Proud of you,” he said, leaning his head on my shoulder.
“What do you think, Carson?” Dom asked. “Should we let your boyfriend give us a ride back to the house? We can smoke in the hot tub if you still want to be a creature of the sea or whatever.”
“Yeah, okay,” Carson mumbled. “Might just wanna take a nap.”
“Anything you need,” I assured him. “Let’s go together, I do not want your high ass to drown.”
When we got back to the house, I dragged Carson to my room and dried him off with clean, fluffy towels. Digging through my bag, I found a clean pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, and I helped him pull them on. Then we climbed into bed together, his back pressed against my front, and my arm pulling him in tight across the chest. We slept for hours.
Flashback
The things you gain in the wake of a loss will never make up for the things you lost.
We notice silver linings because they help us to move forward, but they aren’t replacements.
That said, it’s important to look around at everything you have and to be grateful for it all.
I lost three people who left big gaping holes in my heart, and that would never be undone. And then, separately from the loss, I gained a whole bunch of people who allowed my heart to keep beating, even with the big gaping holes.
Dom, Porter, Leo, and Finley.
Sydney.
Alistair and Beau.
Ainsley.
They would never replace my parents and sister. But they helped me to carry on.
17
Carson
Ainsley and I woke up a bit after eleven that night.
It was impossibly cozy in the bed, and I woke slowly, taking note of my surroundings.
Warm clothes.
Warm bed.
Warm lamplight.
Warm man wrapped around me.
He hugged me tightly, beginning to stir himself, and I turned carefully in his arms so that we were face-to-face.
“Hi,” I whispered.
He kissed me softly. “Hi.”
“Thank you for coming to find me.”
“Thank you for coming back with me.”
Affection saturated me, and I sat up straight, pulling him with me. I didn’t want to be lying down when I said this.
“Ainsley?”
“Yeah?”
I took a deep, measured breath, and looked him right in the eye.
“I love you too.”
His smile was beatific, lighting up the whole room.
“You do?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t sober enough to get the words out in the cavern but—”
“But you’re sober enough now?”
“Yeah,” I promised, “I’m completely sober now.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” he asked.
I did want to.
Truly.
It was hard to come up with the words, but he deserved them. Especially after I had jetted out of the house like a bat out of hell, leaving only a few scribbled words on the bedside table.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve had a panic attack,” I began. “They used to happen all the time after the accident, but the last couple of years there have hardly been any. This morning I woke up in the middle of one, and it completely blindsided me. I was out of that room before I even realized what was happening, and I told Dom that I had to get out of here—I thought I was being responsible, leaving you a note, but now that I’m thinking about it I should’ve just waited. I really didn’t mean to worry you, you know.”
“I know, baby,” he murmured, rubbing my back gently.
I bit my lip.
“You should know the whole story. About my family.”
“Only if you want t
o tell me,” he said, “there’s no rush.”
“I need you to know, so that you have the context. This morning made it pretty clear that I don’t have as much of a handle on this shit as I thought I did. I’m going to call my therapist when I get back to Seattle, but…but I want you to know.”
“Okay,” Ainsley said, rearranging himself so that he was sitting cross-legged.
I took both of his hands in mine and began.
“It happened during summer vacation. I was in college and my sister, Andrea, had just finished seventh grade. She was twelve.” Breathe in, breathe out. “Our parents let us pick where we wanted to go. We all hopped in the car and drove around California for a couple of weeks, taking detours to see weird roadside attractions and stuff like that. It was really magical, although I guess that’s probably just hindsight.”
“It sounds magical,” Ainsley said, and I suddenly remembered that he never had that kind of family vacation.
“Well, obviously it all went to shit. One day we ended up standing on this massive old bridge, overlooking some bay I can’t even remember the name of. I don’t remember where we were walking to, what was on the other side. Maybe we just wanted to take in the view. I don’t know. But while we were standing up there, all sunshiney and content, there was an earthquake. Not a big one, but big enough that a bridge that hadn’t passed inspection buckled. If they had just closed it off, or fixed it as soon as they knew there was an issue—”
“God,” Ainsley muttered, “that’s awful.”
I nodded, trying to keep myself present and centered. The last thing I wanted was to have to have this conversation again because I couldn’t get through the whole story the first time.
“The bridge collapsed, flung about a hundred people into the water thirty feet below. Some were in cars, others were pedestrians like us. It was mass carnage—people drowning, getting hit by pieces of the bridge that crumbled off, or by the cars as they fell. A lot of people died that day, and the rest of us…well, a lot of people have to live with the memories of that day too.”
Under Wraps Page 16
