by Riley Hart
My cell is resting on the lip on the front of the treadmill where I can see it as I beg it to ring. I’ve been doing that for days, and as pathetic as it is, I can’t seem to stop. When it does buzz, it’s never Gary…it’s never Steven. As soon as those thoughts start coursing through my head again, I push the button to accelerate the speed on the treadmill because it seems to be the only way to work out my frustration.
He left.…I can’t believe he fucking left.
“Goddamn it.” I try to shake those thoughts from my brain. This isn’t me, and I don’t like it.
Pumping my arms, I look out my living room window toward the other tower, the TV playing softly in the background. The past couple of months, my life has been so consumed with Gary and working toward Steven investing in me, it’s like I don’t have anything tethering me to the earth right now. Like I don’t know what the fuck to do, and as much as I hate the feeling, I can’t seem to kick it.
He left.…I can’t believe he fucking left.
“AHHH!” I slow the speed on the treadmill until it stops, before leaning over, breathing heavily. I miss sex. I don’t know why I don’t go out and fuck whomever I want since apparently I can’t control myself, according to the guy I was willing to make a change for.
I grab my sweat towel, wipe my forehead, and down a bottle of water, my muscles tired but my body still antsy as fuck.
As soon as I make it into my kitchen, and grab another water, there’s a knock at the door. I set the bottle down, walk over, and pull it open, not surprised to see Cody standing there.
“You’re going to fucking kill yourself running on that thing. That’s all you’ve been doing when you’re home.”
Without replying, I turn and head for the living room and sit down, letting him take care of the door.
It closes softly behind me. When he’s in view again I say, “I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I beg to differ, baby boy. You’re a little fucked up right now.” He goes down beside me and pats me on the leg, making me wonder why I’m friends with him. The truth is…I am screwed up, and I know it. I can’t seem to work through all the thoughts bouncing around inside my head.
“You know it’s okay to talk to me, T. I’m your friend. I’ve been your friend for a long time.”
“I don’t talk.” I cross my arms, realize I look like I’m pouting, but don’t give a shit.
“You talked to Gary though, didn’t you? I have a feeling you did.”
“Because that did me a whole hell of a lot of good? You’re doing a shitty job of talking me into opening up.”
Cody laughs, and I can’t help but do the same. “Ugh.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees with my hands in my hair. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t like this. I think it’s because of Steven. That has to be what has my mind all twisted up. I knew, fucking knew he was going to give me the money, and now he’s avoiding me.”
“Or, you know, maybe he really does have shit going on. That’s a possibility too, but I’m not going to pretend that’s what’s really wrong with you right now. You miss Gary.”
Yes, I miss him, and I hate myself for it. “No, I need to fuck. This relationship shit is too much work. Do you want to have sex? You know I’m good at making you scream.” Cody and I definitely enjoyed each other’s bodies, and those friendship lines wouldn’t get blurred between us. Maybe that’s what I need.
“Sure,” Cody replies and then reaches for the hem of his shirt and starts to pull it over his head.
My hand shoots out and grabs his, stopping him. “No. Don’t. I can’t.” Motherfucker. Gary broke me. I can’t even have no-strings-attached sex anymore.
“I had a feeling you were going to say that. For the record, I wasn’t going to fuck you. I just needed to prove a point. You’re hurting, T. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to admit you’re hurting. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you less of a man. You fell in love.”
“And this is exactly why I didn’t want to let that happen!” I push to my feet. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to give someone that power over me, and I did it, I fucking did it and look at me!” I feel the same way I did when my parents walked away from me. When who I was, wasn’t enough for them. I was right all along. When you let someone in, they let you down.
“I never should have trusted him.” I pace the living room, wishing I could just jump back on the treadmill and try to replace the pain in my chest with pain in my muscles. They seem to be able to handle a beating better than my heart does.
“Yes, you should have. That’s what love is.”
“He betrayed me.”
“No…he didn’t. I know it feels like that, but he’s scared too. Peter fucked around on him for years.”
I stop moving, narrowing my eyes at my friend. “Are you really taking his side?”
Cody shakes his head. “No. We’re not twelve. I’m not taking anyone’s side, and you know if I did, it would be yours. Always. But I’m keeping it real. He’s insecure. Just as insecure as you are, only he doesn’t hide it quite as well as you think you do. Thinking you cheated on him plays on every one of those insecurities, but you know what? Even if that didn’t happen, something else would have broken you up.”
“Jesus.” I fist my hands, really wishing I could hit something. “So this is my fault? And if something would have broken us up regardless, what the hell is the point? You fucking suck at uplifting, best friend conversations, Cody. I’m trading you in.”
He sighs, then stands and walks over to me. “No, it’s not your fault. It’s life’s fault, and if you love him, then there’s your reason for trying right there.”
“You’ve never been in love. You don’t understand.” I try to walk away, but Cody’s hand shoots out and wraps around my wrist.
“This isn’t about me. It’s about you. When is the last time you’ve ever given up and walked away? When in your whole fucking life have you walked away? You worked your ass off to start a life of your own and to have your own business, without help from anyone. I’ve never known you to give up, yet the second shit gets serious with Gary and you have a fight, you just give in and throw in the towel? I don’t think so. You’re scared, T, and it’s okay to be scared, but don’t let that fear make you lose out on someone you love. Don’t just take the first reason you have to walk away before you get in too deep. You’ll regret it.”
It would be a whole lot easier if I could ignore the part of me that knows he’s right. That knows loving Gary scares me more than anything else because he has the power to devastate me. Because I’m scared to death he’ll realize I’m not who he thought I was. That he’ll decide who I am isn’t good enough, the same way my parents did. The same way my real father easily walked away when my stepdad gave him an out. Just like Steven apparently did too.
But Gary didn’t really leave me, did he? I’m the one who walked away. He just didn’t stop me. I’m not sure if that makes a difference.
I walk away from Cody because it’s easier not to look at him. I sit on the couch, my leg bouncing up and down as I tilt my head toward the floor. “I don’t know if I can do it, man. I really don’t know if I can do it.” If I can trust him. If I can believe he loves me and won’t let me down.
Cody doesn’t let me take the easy way out. He sits beside me, wraps an arm around my shoulders. “You can, baby boy. I promise you, you can. Work through your shit. Do whatever you have to do to work through it, and then go get your man back. This vulnerable side of you is freaking me out.”
I give him a soft chuckle, even though I don’t really feel it. “You think you’re so fucking smart now, huh?”
“I’ve always been smart.”
He pulls me close and kisses my forehead. “You got this,” he says, but the truth is, I don’t really know if I do. I don’t know if I have it in me to fix it.
35
Gary
I’ve had to push through this week. Hayden and Derek have done their best to
cheer me up. They even suggested another guys’ night, but right now, I want to be alone.
I miss Travis.
I thought things were actually heading somewhere—that we were getting closer to each other, but then it all fell apart.
It’s not that I think he did something with that guy Vincent. After Travis left, as I thought about the sorts of assholes Peter knows and the bragging Travis was talking about, it made sense. Once he explained, I wasn’t afraid he cheated. I was terrified of waking up one day and having to face that reality the way I did with Peter. I want to believe he wouldn’t hurt me like that. I want to believe he couldn’t hurt me like that, but I thought the same thing about my ex. I opened my heart once before, and I’m terrified if I do it again, the same thing will happen. And if Travis hurt me, I don’t know if I could handle that. Even suspecting something might have happened at the park was too much.
Why go through all that again?
I sit at the dining room table in my parents’ house, picking at baby carrots with my fork.
Mom and Dad cut their steaks, seemingly not noticing that I’m fucking dying right now.
“How are things downtown?” Mom asks, shaking me from my thoughts.
They’ve skirted around this question for a while, keeping the conversation on work and talking about some new television shows they’re watching. As soon as the words come out of her mouth, tears well in my eyes.
I’ve always had a hard time keeping things from them. When I met up with them after Peter, it was difficult to keep it together, but I managed. This isn’t the same. What happened with Peter upset me mostly because he made me feel like an idiot. And he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to make him happy. With Travis, I miss my friend. I’m sad I won’t be there to help him with his loss if Steven never gives him the money. Or celebrate with him if he does. To tell him about my shit at work or about how Derek managed to embarrass me at the bar.
We made such a good team. At least, I thought we did.
“I’m not good,” I blurt out.
Their eyes widen with concern as they’re both totally thrown—the way I expect them to be.
“I can’t keep doing this anymore,” I say. “I can’t keep pretending all the time.”
“What’s wrong?” Dad asks, and I can see the concern in his eyes—the same concern that’s always been there—only because he’s never known what’s really been going on in my life.
“I never tell you guys anything, I know that. I’ve just been so scared for so long that if I told you the truth you’d be stressed out like you always are with Caroline. That you’d worry about me and think I’m a burden. But I’m tired of not being myself. And I’m tired of being such a coward. I’m hurting a lot right now. I broke up with someone I really care about. Someone I love. And right now, it’s burning in my chest and feels like it’s never going to go away. His name’s Travis.”
There. I dropped the bomb.
Mom puts her hand to her face.
“Oh my God,” she says.
I can sense her disappointment. This is it.
My father has a disturbed look on his face too.
“It’s a surprise,” he says. “But it makes sense now that you say it. Why you never had any girlfriends. Why you never talked about your life.”
“Gary, are you sure?” Mom asks, still appearing horrified.
Her question makes me chuckle. I’m amazed to be in the middle of this thing I feared and to have a sense of humor about it.
“Yes, I’m sure. I was actually in a long-term relationship with another guy who I met right after college. We’re not together anymore, but it was a really big part of my life.”
“Deb,” Dad says, “I think now’s the part where we tell him we love and support him regardless of who he loves.”
“I just…I don’t know what to think. I mean, all these years, and you spring this on us?”
“For Christ’s sake, it’s not that big of a deal,” he says.
“Not a big deal that I don’t even know who my son is? I can’t even process this right now.”
“Honey, I think he likes boys.” He winks at me, clearly trying to diffuse what’s becoming a tense situation. I can tell Mom’s rattled, but it’s nice knowing at least I have Dad on my side.
“Don’t you understand how much harder his life is going to be now?” she asks him.
They get into it. It’s the fight I feared. The sort of fight they might have had over some of the trouble Caroline might have gotten into.
But it’s the fight I needed to happen. The fight I needed to face.
It doesn’t take long before Mom shuts down and heads up to her room, but Dad pulls me aside into the family room and offers me a warm hug. For the first time in a long time, it’s like he’s hugging the real me.
“She’s from a much more religious family,” he says as he pulls back. “It’s hard for her, but she’ll come around. It was a lot for her to find out that her son hasn’t been able to be himself around her all these years. But she does love you. You know that, right? I just wish you would have told us sooner. That you didn’t have to keep this all bottled up to yourself for so long.”
“Me, too,” I say. Because it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, and even though it didn’t go great, at least now we can deal with it.
Dad and I chat a little longer before I head back downtown.
Despite Mom’s spaz out about it, I feel relieved. It wasn’t the best reaction, but it wasn’t the worst either.
And I’m not stuck with that lingering fear about how they could have reacted…it reminds me of this fear I have about Travis. I’m so fucking scared of him hurting me like Peter did, and it’s this demon I’m torturing myself with. I’m avoiding him for the same reason I avoided my parents.
I’m scared. Scared as fuck of being hurt. Being rejected.
But I’ve been rejected before and survived. I survived with Peter, and I survived tonight with Mom. If I’ve learned anything since I met Travis, it’s that avoiding pain has never kept me from feeling it. It just makes it last so much longer. I can’t keep torturing myself about what might happen. Can’t let the frightening what ifs control my life.
36
Travis
I sit in my car in front of my childhood home. The last time I was here is when I left flowers for my mom’s birthday—flowers she never once mentioned to me.
She doesn’t seem to feel my loss the way I’ve tried to tell myself I don’t feel theirs. It’s a lie. I feel it. It weighs me down every fucking day of my life.
But Gary helped. He filled those empty spaces inside me, which is why I’m here.
I sigh, then push open the door before I do the easy thing and walk away, the same way I walked away from Gary. The same way my parents walked away from me.
The easy way doesn’t cut it anymore.
I make my way down the cement walkway, surrounded by their pristine lawn.
When I make it to the porch, I raise my hand and knock, trying to ignore the tight fist around my windpipe.
It’s only a moment later that the door pulls open, a frown creasing Mom’s lips. “Travis…what are you doing here?”
“Why do I need a reason to be here? Regardless of how you feel about me, I’m still your son, aren’t I?” Say yes…I need you to say yes…
“Of course you are. And please, don’t put this off on me. We’re in this situation because of choices you’ve made, not me. You’re determined to shove your lifestyle in our face, which you proved at Martin’s engagement.”
My heart slams against my chest the same way my feet slammed against the treadmill daily since my fight with Gary. How can they not want me to be happy? How can they want me to hide?
“Who’s at the door?” my dad asks.
“It’s me. Your son,” I say as I walk past Mom and into the house. I head straight for the study because I know that’s where he is. Mom’s heels tap against the tile floor behind me. “What ab
out you? Am I still your son, too? You made a commitment to me when I was a baby. You’ve been the only father I’ve ever known. Why did you do that if you could so easily turn your back on me?”
He sits behind his dark, mahogany desk, a soft lamp lit on the corner of it.
“Don’t be dramatic, Travis. You don’t have to stop loving someone to disagree with them. We disagree with your lifestyle. You know that.”
Every instinct inside of me is telling me to lash out, to walk away. Fuck them, because I don’t need them, but…I do need Gary, if he’ll take me back. And I can’t have him if I don’t do this.
Without being invited to, I walk over and sit on the leather couch across from him. Mom watches us, her eyes shooting back and forth between Dad and me.
“I used to want to be like you,” I admit to him. “The kind of man who would take in a son who wasn’t his. Who wanted his children to succeed. Who loved his wife with every piece of him…and then I realized that for me, it wouldn’t be a wife, and my whole world came crashing down. Do you know what it feels like to grow up with two brothers who have the same father, while you feel like the outcast? It wasn’t Martin and Malcolm’s fault. I know they love me, but in here.” I tap my temple. “And in here.” Then my chest. “I just felt different. I knew being gay made me even more different, and I did everything I could to stifle that so I didn’t stand out even more in this family.”
“I never treated you any differently,” he says, and there’s a part of me that knows that’s true.
“That doesn’t change how I felt. It doesn’t change the fact that I spent years trying to be someone I wasn’t. Do you know what that does to a person?” I look at Mom. “It was eating away at me until I couldn’t deny it anymore and then…then I didn’t want to. What was so wrong with who I was? What was so wrong with what I did? You both answered that question for me when you found me with that guy in college. Everything that I knew would happen did. You couldn’t accept me, and I think…because of that, I think there was a part of me that couldn’t accept myself.”
