by J. K. Holt
Mr. Verdin leaned forward. “Equally hard for me to understand is why you can’t seem to follow simple rules and expectations set forth by your foster mother. Perhaps you can explain it to me?”
Tess felt her cheeks flush. “I do follow the rules, when they make sense. It’s just that I get treated like a child-”
“Which is what you are.”
“I’m almost seventeen. How’s it make sense that I can drive a car but I can’t be outside for an hour by myself?”
“Because I told you-”
Mrs. Hogan was abruptly cut off by a raised hand from Mr. Verdin. She looked miffed but settled back in her chair and closed her mouth.
He took a breath. “Tess, you’re an intelligent kid. You’re smart enough that I know you’re missing the point of this argument on purpose. Regardless of whether you like the rules, they are the rules. Period.”
Tess’s cheeks flushed further as her anger mingled with shame, and she blinked quickly to eliminate the tears from springing. No, she told herself. I will not appear weak.
Mr. Verdin continued. “Now, this last year has been hard on you. I know this, and so does Mrs. Hogan.”
“I know, and I’m trying, really-”
This time it was she who was cut off by the authority of his hand. He allowed himself a rare frown as he met her eyes. “Allow me to finish, Tess.”
“Yes, sir,” she mumbled, chastened.
He leaned his considerable bulk back into the unforgiving sofa, templing his fingers together as he studied her. “As I said, we know this has been a trying time for you. And as your social worker, I have tried very hard to place you with families that would be most suited for your particular issues, but each placement has somehow not worked out. This is your third placement, Tess, and my goodwill is beginning to run thin. When I place you with a suitable family, I expect gratitude in the form of obedience. I don’t believe that’s too much to ask.”
He was right, and Tess knew it. She worked hard to keep her tongue in check and studied the floor at length, worried that her mouth was not in agreement with her brain on this particular point.
Silence followed, and Tess felt two pairs of eyes boring into her. She chose her words carefully. “I know I could be trying harder. And I will, from now on.” She met Mrs. Hogan’s gaze directly and attempted an apologetic smile.
Mrs. Hogan set down her teacup and ran her hands over her pressed skirt. “Well, I am not convinced. I just don’t think you’re happy here, Tess.” She looked at her hands and feigned contemplation.
Here comes the setup, Tess thought.
“I wonder if it wouldn’t be better for you to be with someone else, someone who can give you what you need. I don’t know what that is, but it seems that our family doesn’t have it.”
Mr. Verdin’s face turned a few degrees closer to what could be considered a scowl; the additional work of another placement for Tess had not eluded him.
Tess shook her head. “No, Mrs. Hogan, really, I’m fine here. I’ll make it work, honest.”
Mrs. Hogan’s mask flickered with discontent before regaining composure. She had obviously expected Tess to agree to a new placement. Tess was not keen to help her.
In all honesty, Tess wouldn’t care if she was removed from the home, though she would miss Cara. She didn’t plan on staying in foster care a day longer than was necessary and certainly had no attachment to Mrs. Hogan or her doormat of a husband. Other than Cara, the only thing Tess liked about the house was its proximity to the graveyard, and neither of these considerations were strong enough arguments in favor of her remaining.
But Tess could see that Mrs. Hogan wanted her gone as plainly as anything, and she also knew how important appearances were to this woman. Mrs. Hogan needed it to appear to be Tess’s idea to leave, even if it was all a pretense.
And then there was the promise she’d made to Maggie before she’d died; to try to make it work without her.
It was as if Mrs. Hogan read her thoughts. “You’ll try, you say. But that’s not what I’ve been seeing you do so far. You buck my every rule and request, though I’ve been told you were raised better than that. It makes me wonder what your mother would say, Tess.”
No. “Please don’t bring her into this.” Her voice was meeker than she’d hoped it would be.
“I can’t believe she would approve of your current actions.” Mrs. Hogan pressed. “From what I hear of her, she expected great things from you. Is this the way she’d want you to honor her memory?”
Be still, Tess. I’m proud of you, you know that.
I can’t be still when she says these things.
You must.
Tess bit her lip, enough to show her hand, and Mrs. Hogan noticed. A shadow of malice crossed her face, and she cocked her head. “Tess, you need to answer me if there is any hope in you staying. I’ll ask you one more time: what would your mother say?”
All Tess had to do was remain calm. She felt it.
Unfortunately, the only thing she felt more strongly was the anger that rose with Maggie’s name being used against her.
“Well, Mrs. Hogan, I can’t say for sure, because as you know, she’s dead.” Tess pointed out.
You can stop here, Tess, a tiny, rational voice deep within yelled. You haven’t gone too far yet.
“But if I had to guess, she’d say you’re a smug, self-righteous shell of a woman who cares more about appearances than her own child, who, by the way, was running around outside without a coat on while you met with my social worker and pretended to care about my well-being.”
Whoops.
Mr. Verdin groaned.
Mrs. Hogan’s mouth hung ajar while her eyes narrowed in fury. She took a moment to regain composure, clearing her throat while she carefully placed her cup back in its saucer.
“She’s gone tonight, Doug,” she said, rising from her chair and leaving the room, leveling a gaze that could freeze hell at Tess as she passed by. Tess had half a mind to trip her, but she’d regained her senses; she kept her feet planted where they were.
Oh, Tess, my sweet, stupid girl.
I know, I know.
She kept her head down as she listened to Mrs. Hogan’s heels click on the waxed wooden floor and eventually fade. With her gone, the room appeared to regain some light, and Tess became aware for the first time of a mockingbird outside the window, trilling from a low branch. She kept her focus on the bird while she waited for her sentencing.
“Well, Tess,” Mr. Verdin spoke after a long pause. “I’ll admit that I didn’t know your mother that well, but I have a hard time picturing her saying anything of the sort.”
He was right- Maggie would have kept her head about her.
“Now here we are, on a Saturday, and I have to figure out where to place you on short notice once again.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Verdin, I am….but isn’t that what you get paid to do?”
Tess decided that she and her runaway mouth were going to have words later.
“Oh, and the quips keep on comin’. Tell me, is it even worth my trying to find you a foster family, when we both know you won’t appreciate them, or should I just plunk you in detention for a while to help you gain some perspective?”
Tess calmly rubbed the raw area of her rope-burned hand while she considered a myriad of options for response. Her palm throbbed and the last remaining scrap of courage she was storing was screaming to be let out.
Ah, screw it. Sorry, Maggie.
Slowly and deliberately, she chose a finger, and lifted it in reply.
∞ ∞ ∞
It didn’t take long to pack. Most of Tess’s belongings were in storage, had been for over nine months now. Maggie had left everything to Tess, but as a ward of the state Tess had to travel light. She couldn’t even access any of the meager savings that Maggie had left her until she turned eighteen.
One suitcase, a duffel bag, and a backpack now contained all evidence that Tess had ever resided at 14 Melody Place, in the
sprawling house that always felt more like a sterile museum than a home to live in. Every time she packed, she remembered the small, scared girl she used to be, traveling lightly from one foster family to the next, careful not to take up too much space with her presence. To have come full circle once again- sometimes the bitter unfairness of it all stole Tess’s breath from her. She tried not to think about it.
She lugged it all downstairs by herself while Mr. Verdin tied up loose ends with Mrs. Hogan. Mr. Hogan himself had returned home not ten minutes ago and retired to his office when he’d learned of the goings-on during his absence. Not one to get his hands dirty, that man.
Now all that was left was saying goodbye to Cara. Tess looked for her in all the usual places- the kitchen, the den, the front yard. Then she checked the unusual places, even Cara’s immaculate bedroom which, insofar as she knew, only existed as a place for Cara to sleep.
By the time she made her way back to the entryway, business had finished and the two adults were waiting for her.
Tess’d hoped to have no more communication with Mrs. Hogan, but for Cara she was willing to swallow her pride.
“I’m looking for Cara, Mrs. Hogan, to say goodbye.”
I sent her to her friend’s house,” Mrs. Hogan replied. “A goodbye will only make things harder.”
Desperation rose in Tess’s throat, and for a moment she was a child again, deserted and small. “Please, could you just call her and have her come home? I don’t want her to think I just left. I need to give her another hug at least.”
Mrs. Hogan considered briefly before shaking her head, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. “I don’t think it’s best, I’m sorry.”
“Can I write her a letter then?” Tess grasped for some straw.
“Yes, that’s fine.”
Though whether she’d actually give it to Cara would be another matter entirely.
“Time to go, Tess,” Mr. Verdin intoned.
Tess took a breath and managed to corral her thoughts. “Thank you for giving me a home for the time that you did, Mrs. Hogan. I appreciate all you’ve done for me, truly.” She waited to see the softening in Mrs. Hogan’s eyes before she plunged on.
“Please tell Cara that I’ll write. She pulled out a tooth this morning- I bet it would mean the world to her if you noticed it. And I think she takes off her jackets when she’s outside because they’re a little too girly for her. Her favorite color is green, so, maybe…”
Tess trailed off as the interest in Mrs. Hogan’s eyes faded and her voice took on its normal crisp tone. “Thank you for the feedback. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” She gave Tess a rigid hug and then stepped back, extricating herself from the messiness of feelings as she disappeared into the recesses of the dark house.
“Do you need help with the bags, Tess?” Mr. Verdin posed the question while halfway out the door. Apparently, it was rhetorical in nature.
“No, I got ‘em.” She shouldered her burden and followed him down the steps, past the tire swing, and through the fence to his shabby car.
∞ ∞ ∞
The detention center was a dull, squat building that took up residence between a fast food restaurant and an industrial complex on the outskirts of town. Within the fence was a small patch of dead grass, giving the entire place a washed out look. Where dreams come to die, Tess thought morosely.
The guard waved them through without interest when he recognized Mr. Verdin. He must be a regular here, she realized.
Mr. Verdin parked in the cramped lot and instructed Tess to take in only the duffel bag, in which he’d had her pack toiletries and a couple spare changes of clothes. She hadn’t realized until that point in time that it was all she’d be permitted to take.
“Fine, but I’ll just grab a couple other things from the backpack first.”
“No, leave the rest here. I’ll hold it until you’re ready to collect it.”
“Just a couple things, though. I can make them all fit in the bag, I swear-” She started reaching toward the backseat but gasped when Mr. Verdin grabbed her wrist with a vise-like grip.
“Again, you’re missing the point. You have everything you need already in the bag, if you followed my instructions. This isn’t a resort, Tess, it’s a punishment. Please indicate that you understand me.” He pulled her wrist towards him.
“You’re hurting me,” Tess whispered.
Mr. Verdin paused a beat longer, released her hand, and maintained his stare until she complied. “Yes, sir, I understand.”
“Good. Then I’ll trust there won’t be any problems. I’ll check you in, and then I’m leaving. I’ll return once I have assurances that you’ve gained some clarity on your situation. Again, please indicate to me that you understand.”
Tess’s face burned. She nodded.
“Good. Let’s go.”
The center’s nondescript interior matched the outside. The concrete walls, perhaps once painted a soothing green, were battered and faded from years of abuse. Tess could hear shouts and other noises echoing off the walls from deeper within the building, though the waiting area they entered was occupied by only a guard and a tall, severe looking woman who Tess assumed was in charge of intakes. She introduced herself as Ms. Eldridge before ushering them into a small side area where Mr. Verdin signed her in and filled out a few short pieces of paperwork. He finished quickly.
“Any additional concerns, Doug?” the woman asked after skimming the clipboard.
“Not at this time, Linda.”
“We’re a little quiet at the moment. We have a couple of single rooms available, if you’d prefer.”
Tess glanced up to answer and realized the question had been directed to Mr. Verdin. He shook his head. “No need for that.”
Ms. Eldridge raised her eyebrows and nodded, glancing quickly at Tess as she jotted down the note. So he did mean to punish her, then. Tess hadn’t considered Mr. Verdin to be a vindictive man, but he was beginning to make her reconsider her assessment of him.
She studied him as he shook hands with Ms. Eldridge and took his leave. “I hope your time here is productive, Tess. I’ll check in on you later in the week.”
Tess’s belongings were searched, her mp3 player confiscated. She was also instructed to hand over her belt.
“You’ll get that back once you’ve demonstrated you’re not a suicide risk,” Ms. Eldridge informed her.
“Okay.” Tess knew there was no point attempting to convince her otherwise at the moment.
Finished, Ms. Eldridge pushed back from her chair and studied Tess with clinical detachment. “Alright, let’s get you settled.”
Tess swallowed hard, picked up her bag, and followed Ms. Eldridge past the guard and into the bowels of the building.
They passed what appeared to be a small cafeteria, in which a few motley girls were milling about, talking while they wiped down the tables and put away trays. So she’d missed dinner. Her stomach grumbled unhappily at the news.
Ms. Eldridge nodded at the few adults they passed. “I’m putting you with Leah. She’s got a mouth on her but won’t do you any harm.”
They followed a wide hall until halting at the third door on the left. Ms. Eldridge rapped sharply and then waited a beat before opening the door. “Leah,” she said by way of greeting.
“Yeah, what?” came a snarky voice. Tess stepped closer to Ms. Eldridge to peer inside the room.
It was bright with the unnatural light of overhead fluorescence. A window with bars sat stoically in between two beds located at opposite corners of the room. Two compact desks took up the other corners, and a dresser was pushed up against the head of one of the beds. One bed was covered in an assortment of clothes, while on the other bed perched a waif of a girl with stringy blonde hair and suspicious eyes who appeared to be around the age of thirteen or fourteen.
“‘Yeah, what’, is not an appropriate greeting, Leah, as we’ve discussed.” Ms. Eldridge stepped aside to allow Tess room to enter. “You need to
clear off that bed- you’ve got a new roommate. This is Tess Landry.”
“Hi,” Tess said.
Leah, suspicions confirmed, glared. “Why do I get a roommate? Alex has been in a single for longer than me.”
“Because, amazingly, I make the rules.”
Leah scoffed.
Mrs. Eldridge turned toward Tess. “Go ahead and unpack. You have free time until nine. I noticed you rubbing your hand- go find the night nurse down the hall to have her look at it. Then it’s in your room until lights out at ten.”
She didn’t wait for an acknowledgment before striding away.
After a moment’s hesitation, Tess walked over to the bed and placed her bag on the edge that Leah had begun to clear. She began to unpack her clothes.
“Dresser’s mine,” Leah grunted.
“That’s fine.” Tess found space in the desk drawers and put it all away within a minute, sliding her duffel underneath her bed. She stood awkwardly, uncertain of what to do next. Leah again retired to the space on her bed and was intentionally ignoring her, and Tess hadn’t the energy to attempt to befriend her at the moment.
She left the room to find the night nurse.
∞ ∞ ∞
Hand cleaned and covered in a light gauze, Tess roamed a bit during the remainder of free time. After a few dead ends, she found a rec room that appeared promising, with a large television mounted to the wall. A large group of girls occupied the worn sofas and chairs, most tuned in to the reality show blasting on the screen. There were no spaces left to sit, so Tess found a wall to lean against and tried to blend in.
It didn’t work. Within a few seconds or so, several of the girls caught on to her presence and were staring a Tess with appraising eyes, a few of which appeared malicious.
“Who’s the cute new girl?” A beefy girl with a crew cut called out across the room. Now all eyes turned.
“Don’t know,” replied another, “but she obviously don’t know the rules. TV room’s for girls with seniors only, moron.”
“Seniority only, dipshit,” a third yelled to the other.
“That’s what I said, bitch.”
