Chasing the Tide

by A. Meredith Walters

  “Look Flynn, Dania was my best friend for years. I haven’t really spoken to her since I left three years ago. She offered her couch to crash on. It’s better than staying in the storeroom,” I argued.

  Flynn was quiet for a long time. I could hear his breathing so I knew he hadn’t hung up.

  “Dania isn’t a nice person, Ellie. I worry that if you are around her, you won’t be nice anymore either.”

  There it was. The real reason that I, too, had been resistant to having anything to do with Dania Blevins.

  She had always brought out the worst in me. And while I knew that I had matured and grown stronger, I still worried about the part of me that was just as ugly, just as mean, as Dania ever was.

  “I love you, Flynn. That will never change,” I said sincerely, meaning it totally. Completely.

  “And spending the night on Dania’s couch doesn’t mean we’re going to be best friends again. But she and I have some things to say to each other. I think it’s important,” I told him, hoping that he understood what I was saying.

  “I don’t like it, Ellie,” he said, his voice quieter than it had been before.

  “Please just trust me, Flynn. That’s all I ask,” I implored.

  “I trust you. I always have.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  -Ellie-

  I loved to watch Flynn draw.

  The way his head bent over the paper, dark hair falling in his face. He was so serious. His mouth firm, teeth biting on his lip as he concentrated.

  He had no idea that I watched him.

  We sat on the couch in his living room and I wished I never had to leave. But I knew that in just a few minutes I’d have to leave again.

  Mrs. Hendrick didn’t like me. I’d been around enough adults who couldn’t stand me to recognize the signs.

  I wanted her to like me. Because she was the sort of mother I imagined mine would have been like. Baking bread and planting flowers. When I think of my mom I didn’t feel angry like I probably should have. I didn’t think about how she left me alone. I didn’t think about how she had never come back to find me.

  I think about the one memory I had that was as clear as if it had just happened yesterday. I was standing on a stool by the counter stirring cake batter in a giant bowl. My mother was beautiful with her hair pulled back and a smile on her face as she closed her hand over my much smaller one and helped me mix the ingredients.

  I felt loved and secure.

  It was the only time I could remember ever feeling that way.

  Until I came to Flynn’s house for the first time.

  And even though I knew Mrs. Hendrick didn’t like me, it didn’t change the fact that I loved being there.

  “Flynn,” I said, trying to get his attention. He didn’t acknowledge me, his pencil moving rapidly across the paper. I knew that I might as well not be there. His focus was absolute.

  I got to my feet and headed into the kitchen to get a drink of water while I waited for him to finish his drawing. This time it was a picture of his dog, Marty, who was following me, hoping I would give him a treat.

  I leaned down and scratched the Border collie behind the ears, loving him as much as I loved this house.

  I came up short, finding Mrs. Hendrick at the kitchen table, embroidery in her lap as she stitched. She looked a lot like Flynn with wavy, dark hair that was a little unruly and always hung in her face.

  She looked up when I came in, her green eyes, just like her son’s, colder than his could ever be. “Hello, Ellie,” she said, and I didn’t like the way she spoke my name. Like it was a bad word.

  Normally I’d give an adult with such a clear aversion of me nothing but attitude but I couldn’t with Mrs. Hendrick. I wanted her approval more than I wanted to preserve my pride.

  “Hi, Mrs. Hendrick. Is it all right if I get a drink?” I asked, wondering where this girl with the good manners had come from.

  “Of course,” she responded shortly.

  I started to walk around her and stopped to look at what she was working on. “That’s really pretty, Mrs. Hendrick,” I told her honestly.

  “Thank you,” she said. I was reaching for a glass when her voice stopped me. “Why are you here, Ellie?”

  “Um, I’m hanging out with Flynn,” I said, not understanding.

  Mrs. Hendrick put down the needlepoint and looked at me, her eyes narrowed. “Why are you hanging out with Flynn? He tells me how you treat him at school. How your friends bully him. So answer my question. Why are you here? It can’t be that you enjoy his company given the way you act once you leave. What sort of person walks into someone’s home, eats their food, watches their TV, pretends to be their friend, then abuses them when they’re in public?”

  Her words cut me to the quick and I felt ashamed. Ashamed of my behavior. Ashamed that she saw it.

  Mrs. Hendrick glared at me and I knew that she wouldn’t ever like me. I’m trash. Not worth the shit on her shoe.

  “I’ll tell you what type of person does that, Ellie. A cruel person. A person incapable of thinking about anyone but themselves. My son deserves better than that. He deserves better than you.”

  Then she returned to her embroidery and I forgot about getting a drink. I grabbed my bookbag and I left, not saying anything to Flynn.

  Because Mrs. Hendrick was right.

  I was trash.

  I was cruel.

  I was selfish.

  I was Ellie McCallum and I didn’t deserve his friendship or trust.

  I wasn’t worth it.

  **

  I closed up JAC’s at ten on the dot. After Dania had left the store, no one else had come in. I spent the remaining hours rearranging products on the shelves and doing the inventory that Jeb had left for me to do.

  I called Flynn before I closed up to say goodnight. He had dwelled on my going to Dania’s and I knew it was bothering him a lot. Nothing I seemed to say was making him feel better.

  Even though he claimed to trust me, he became extremely angry when I told him I was heading over to her apartment.

  You would think I was stepping out on him with another guy rather than spending the night on my former friend’s couch.

  I worried that he viewed it as a betrayal. And in some ways I completely understood why he’d think that.

  Dania had been merciless in her treatment of him. I had stood by and allowed her to do it. Together we had been hateful and cruel. It made sense for Flynn would be unhappy that I wanted to spend time with her.

  I locked up the store and stepped out into the cold night. The snow was slowing down. It was little more than a flurry but the roads hadn’t been plowed yet. Dania was right when she had said that they wouldn’t be touched for another few hours.

  The town of Wellston had one snowplow, and the road crew wouldn’t bother touching the streets until they were sure the weather had passed. My car, which was parked behind the store, was covered in about five inches of snow. Getting home was simply out of the question.

  I pulled my hat down over my ears and started down the sidewalk towards the pharmacy. I could see lights on in the upstairs apartment and knew that Dania was still awake.

  I wasn’t entirely sure why I was taking Dania up on her offer. I had wanted to avoid the awkwardness of being around her at all costs, yet here I was, signing up to hang out with her all night.

  But I felt, in some ways, as though I owed her an explanation. I felt more than a little guilty when I thought about the way I had left and never called her. I had never gotten in touch in anyway. When I had gone to school, I had turned my back on her completely.

  Truthfully, I had only been thinking about me and what I needed to do. Three years ago, all I had known was that when I got out of Wellston, I had to cut ties with those things and those people that had held me down for so long.

  And for me, Dania Blevins had been at the top of that list.

  I never allowed myself to think about what that would do to Dania. How she would feel
when she never heard from me again.

  Wow. I was a selfish bitch.

  The very thing I had always accused Dania of being.

  I felt like a jerk when I walked into the narrow hallway and climbed the stairs to Dania’s apartment. It was dark, the light bulb in the fixture on the wall having blown out.

  I knocked softly, not wanting to wake Lyla if she was asleep. A few seconds later Dania opened the door, seeming stunned to find me there.

  “Uh, wow. I didn’t think you’d show up,” she said, looking the way I felt—totally and completely off balance.

  “Yeah, well I had a good look at Jeb’s couch in the storeroom and threw up in my mouth a little. I do have standards,” I joked half-heartedly.

  “I guess slumming it at my place doesn’t seem so bad compared to that, huh?” Dania asked, and I couldn’t tell if she was teasing or not. Her voice was tight and hard making me wonder if I had imagined the soft, vulnerable expression that I had witnessed earlier in the store.

  This was the Dania I remembered. Protected by a thick layer of shitty attitude so she couldn’t be hurt by anyone or anything.

  I was already thinking this was a bad idea. “Look, I can go back to JAC’s if this is going to be a thing…” I began but Dania moved to the side, waving me in.

  “It’s freezing out there, you’re letting all the cold air in,” she said a little tersely, crossing her arms over her chest as I hesitantly walked inside.

  I took off my coat and looked around at the same time. Her apartment was a lot different from the places she had lived in years ago.

  Sure the couch was secondhand and the carpet was stained. There were black smudges on the walls where pictures had once hung and the entire place could use a lick of paint but there was a hominess that I had never felt in Dania’s homes before.

  I stepped over dolls and stuffed toys as I made my way into the room. It was small but with an open floor plan. The living room merged with the kitchen before leading to a small hallway where I presumed the bedrooms and bathroom were. It was cluttered and messy but it felt loved. It felt lived in.

  “Do you want something to drink? Are you hungry?” Dania asked, heading to the kitchen and turning on the light. I followed her, feeling strange standing in the middle of the living room by myself.

  “A glass of water would be great, thanks,” I answered, looking at the pictures on the refrigerator. Most of them were of Lyla. There were a few of Dania with a guy I didn’t recognize. He was good looking and he smiled at her in a way that said he was clearly smitten. “I’m guessing Lyla’s asleep,” I observed.

  “Yeah, she’s been asleep for hours. Don’t worry about being loud, she’d sleep through a nuclear bomb,” Dania commented, filling a glass with water and handing it to me.

  I took a drink and tried not to look like I was snooping, but I couldn’t help it. I was fascinated with the way Dania’s world seemed to have changed. Not only was she a mother again, this time with a child that actually lived with her, but she almost seemed to have her shit together.

  Though it wasn’t fair for me to assume I was the only one who could change. If I could turn over a new leaf, why couldn’t Dania?

  History had dictated that I not trust Dania’s seeming magnanimous mood. That there had to be a catch. The Dania I had known before was volatile and vicious.

  Nothing like the quiet, composed woman who stood before me wearing fuzzy, pink slippers. Her long hair was pulled back from her face and her skin was completely free of makeup.

  “Let me go get you a pillow and some sheets. You can go into the living room to watch some TV if you want,” Dania said.

  “Uh, sure,” I replied.

  A picture on the TV stand caught my eye. I picked it up and looked closer. It was a photograph taken years ago in front of Woolly’s. Dania, not quite twenty years old, had her arm around my waist. She and I were roughly the same height, though it was obvious that she was wearing a pair of hooker shoes that she had been so fond of wearing.

  We both looked wasted, our eyes hooded and our smiles sloppy. But we held onto each other to keep from falling.

  That’s how it always used to be.

  Dania and me, holding each other up because no one else could.

  I was surprised that she had a picture of me in her home. The jagged edges of uncharacteristic guilt jabbed at me painfully once again.

  I put the photograph down when Dania came back into the room.

  “Thanks,” I said after she dropped them on the couch. I sat down, feeling out of place.

  Dania perched on an armchair that sat in the corner, pulling her feet up underneath her. “This is strange, right?” she asked, looking at me for confirmation.

  I nodded, putting my glass of water down on the coffee table. “Yeah it is. Particularly after how things were left when I saw you at the grocery store.”

  Dania sighed and rubbed at her forehead as though she had a headache. “I was pissed, Ells. Really, really pissed.” She chewed on her bottom lip in that telltale sign that she was upset. “Okay, enough dancing around this shit, I’m just going to come out and say it. You leaving like that, without bothering to pick up a fucking phone to let me know you were still alive, was wrong.”

  The instinct to placate her was instinctual. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I was sorry and that I was wrong. To say whatever it would take for her to stop being mad at me.

  Our dynamic had always been dysfunctional and unhealthy. Dania would fall apart and I would try to make it all better. But I never could. Not when I was just as screwed up as she had been.

  But this time I wouldn’t retreat. I wouldn’t back down. I would tell her straight. I would be honest in a way I never had been able to be before.

  “I couldn’t call you, D. Because if I did, I would be second-guess myself. I would wonder whether I could actually make it in Maryland. In school. If I kept any ties to this place, to the life I had been living, then I wouldn’t have been able to keep going. I would have gotten sucked back here. It seemed inevitable.”

  Dania’s eyes narrowed in a less hateful imitation of an expression had I once been familiar with. “But you spoke to Flynn.”

  I nodded. “Yes. I did. We’re together. We have been for over three years,” I told her; proud to say that aloud to the one person I had always felt the need to deny it to.

  “So even though he was still in Wellston, it was okay to talk to him?” she asked, her words sharp and brittle.

  I let out a noisy breath, trying not to get frustrated. “You and Flynn were…are very different people in my life. Letting go of Flynn wasn’t an option,” I admitted.

  Dania seemed to flinch at my statement.

  “But letting go of me was easy,” she deduced, her tone acidic and angry. For all of her apparent change, the old Dania was still there, just under the surface. And the old Ellie was trying to come out and hang out with her.

  “It’s not that it was easy,” I admitted haltingly. “But it was necessary.”

  Dania continued to chew on her bottom lip and looked out the window. I could see in the dingy streetlight that the snow had picked back up again. Finally the lights of the snowplow could be seen down the road.

  “I wasn’t a very good person, was I?” she asked softly.

  What could I say to that? How was I supposed to answer? She should know what I would say. How could I lie and say anything but the truth?

  But before I could give my thoughts I heard Lyla’s cry from down the hallway. Dania was on her feet in an instant. “I’ll be right back,” she said before hurrying toward her daughter’s bedroom.

  I sat back in the couch feeling tired. Dania was draining. Though now it was the weight of unspoken words between us that caused the greatest strain. I almost missed the crazy, psychotic girl she had been.

  That girl, I knew how to handle.

  I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with the grown woman who spoke to me calmly and reasonably. It made me fee
l even more like a jerk for not being there to see this change firsthand.

  I hadn’t been there for the birth of her daughter. I hadn’t been there as I had always said I would be. I had gone back on every promise I had ever made to my best friend.

  What a shitty feeling.

  Dania finally came back fifteen minutes later and sat down again.

  “Everything okay?” I asked.

  Dania’s smile was gentle as she answered. “Fine. Lyla just gets nightmares sometimes. Nothing that a cuddle won’t cure.”

  Her easy maternal devotion continued to take me by surprise. Perhaps it was unfair of me to assume she wasn’t capable of becoming a loving mother. But given how little she considered the well being of her first child all those years ago, it was an easy assumption to make.

  Dania clutched a stuffed bear that had been wedged in the cushion of the seat. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the soft fir between her fingers. “I think about him all the time you know,” she said suddenly.

  Her change of subject threw me. “Who?” I asked, though deep down I knew exactly who she was talking about.

  Dania began to rub the stuffed animal absently. She seemed lost in thought, barely aware that I was still in the room.

  “Brandon. I wonder where he is. If he’s with a good family. If they’re taking care of him. I wonder about his health and what he looks like. Does he look like me?” Dania took a deep breath, her eyes wet with tears. “I miss him. I don’t have a right to miss him given everything I put him through. But I do. I can’t help but feel like part of me is missing. And how do I tell Lyla when she’s older that she has brother out there somewhere? A brother I gave away because I was too fucked up to take care of him?”

  I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was speechless. Mute. I had nothing to say to make her feel better. Because there was no feeling better after something like that.

  “Tell me about Lyla, D. I have to say I was a little shocked to see her,” I remarked, maneuvering the topic to something more palatable. Because what had happened to Brandon was raw and exposing.