Dania finally looked at me, her eyes boring into mine. “When I was pregnant I thought about tracking you down. I missed you so much during that time. You had always been there when I needed you. And then you weren’t. I couldn’t remember when I had ever felt so alone.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry—“
“Don’t be. I brought it on myself, Ells. But it was tough. It hadn’t been that long since Brandon. Only a little over a year and then I found myself knocked up again. I guess I’m one of those stupid girls that just doesn’t learn her lesson.” She let out a humorless laugh.
“Stu up and left. I should have known better, but I had convinced myself he had changed.” I gave her an incredulous look. I couldn’t help it.
Dania rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know, I know,” she muttered.
“I was really depressed. I couldn’t help but think, here we go again. Except this time I didn’t have you there to help keep me sane. Then I went to that first doctor’s appointment and I saw Lyla on the sonogram and something clicked. And I knew I couldn’t make those same mistakes again. So I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I stopped going out.” Dania sat up straighter, squaring her shoulders. “I got a job. A real job. I started by answering phones at Dr. Squires dental office and now I’m a dental assistant,” she told me with pride.
“Wow, that’s great, Dania,” I said and I meant it.
“Yeah, I guess you’re not the only one who can change, huh?” she smirked and I cocked my eyebrow.
“Guess not. It’s nice to see.” And it was true.
“I don’t see any of the old group anymore. After Lyla was born I knew those days were behind me. They had to be. I was a mother. I didn’t want to be like mine. I didn’t want to let Lyla down the way mine had done.”
These were all the things I had said to her after Brandon had been born in an effort to make her own up to her responsibilities. I was glad to see she had finally taken it to heart.
“I saw Reggie not long ago,” I found myself saying. “She looked horrible. Strung out and wasted away. It was pretty scary to see.”
Dania gave me a knowing look. “Because it reminded you of what you almost became?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, it did. But I felt bad for her. Reggie’s not a bad person.”
“Just sort of stupid,” Dania retorted, not unkindly.
“I was going to say intelligently challenged,” I mused, arching an eyebrow.
Dania leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, still holding the stuffed bear. “I would have ended up like that. If it weren’t for Lyla. She saved me. Then I met Chris and things just seemed to fall into place,” she remarked quietly, looking almost embarrassed.
“Is Chris the hottie in the pictures on your fridge?” I asked, teasing her just a bit, trying to interject some of our old ease into the conversation.
Dania flushed. “Yeah, that’s him. He works over at the lumberyard. I met him when he came in to have his teeth cleaned.”
I whistled. “Now that’s how you meet a guy!”
Dania laughed. “Yeah I know. Oh how times have changed, huh?”
“I’d say,” I agreed, returning her grin with one of my own.
We sat there smiling at each other for a while and then Dania sobered.
“Are you happy?” Dania asked suddenly. That seemed to be the question of the millennium. I was starting to get a little tired of answering it. Maybe I should tattoo my answer on my forehead.
Dania cocked her head to the side regarding me. “I can’t really tell. You seem…content…but I’m not really sure.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I growled, becoming unreasonably angry.
“I know you, Ells. I know what you look like when you’re happy and this isn’t it. I can tell that you want to be. That you think you should be, but I’m not sure you are,” she remarked, and I rolled my eyes.
“That is the absolutely the lamest thing I’ve ever heard, Dania. You know what I look like when I’m happy? I think I should be happy but I’m not? Seriously? Did you sprinkle a fortune cookie in your cereal this morning? Since when did you start channeling the Dali Lama?” I mocked with more than a hint of annoyance.
Dania leveled me with her blue eyes that at that moment saw way too much. “You forget that even though you decided to cut me out of your life for three years, I know you. I’ve seen you at your lowest, Ells. But I’ve also seen you happy, even when you tried to hide it.”
I snorted, trying to dismiss what she was saying. I felt as though I had wandered into the Twilight Zone. Dania was officially freaking me out.
“D, when you and I hung out, I wasn’t exactly known for my sparkly optimism and sunny outlook on life. I can’t imagine you ever saw me happy. Hell, I’m not sure you ever saw me really smile. I think I was actually allergic to that particular expression for years,” I joked, hoping to change the subject.
While I had come to Dania’s hoping to bury the proverbial hatchet, I wasn’t looking for some sort of soul-searching diatribe. Dania had never been the type of girl to give much attention to anyone other than herself. I had walked into this apartment blind to this apparently very changed woman.
“Yeah, you definitely had the whole emo thing down cold,” Dania smirked. “But I saw you happy too. You tried really hard to be sneaky about it but you didn’t realize that I saw it all.” I frowned, not sure what she was talking about.
“You and Flynn. Back in school. I knew you were hanging out with him. I knew that when you disappeared, that’s where you were. You thought you were hiding it but you sucked at it. Whenever you were with Flynn, you’d have this look on your face like you had just won the lottery.” I didn’t get embarrassed. I didn’t flush. And I certainly didn’t deny it. Those days were long over. I would never deny my feelings for Flynn ever again.
Dania chewed on her bottom lip and watched me closely. “I was jealous, you know.” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief.
“Jealous? Of what?” I asked, not sure I had heard her correctly.
Dania fiddled with a loose string on her pajama top. Self-reflection had never been her strong suit. I knew admitting any sort of shortcoming was akin to pulling teeth.
“I wanted what you had with Flynn. I saw the way he looked at you and I hated him for it.” Her words didn’t hold an ounce of self-pity. They were just fact. Pure and simple fact.
“I wanted someone to look at me as though I were the most amazing thing they had ever seen. But I didn’t have that. You had that with Flynn. And even though you denied that you cared about him, I knew. And I was jealous of it.” She hung her head. “I hated him because I knew no one would ever look at me that way. I wanted it so badly. So I ruined it for you.”
“We were horrible to him,” I said quietly.
“And he learned to love you anyway. That’s amazing.” Dania shook her head as though in awe and I could tell she meant what she said.
“But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re better than this shit town. I’m sort of angry that you bothered to come back at all,” Dania scolded good-naturedly.
“Flynn’s here,” was all I said, hoping that explained everything.
Dania didn’t say anything else, perhaps picking up the fact that I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. Her assertion that I wasn’t happy bothered me a lot more than I wanted to admit.
I struggled with some way to change the subject when Lyla’s wails started up again. Dania sighed. “If she’s woken up again, it’ll be a while until I can get her back down. So make yourself comfortable, and I’ll just see you in the morning, okay?” She got to her feet and picked up a pacifier from the coffee table.
I felt a little disjointed by the frank honesty of our conversation. In the history of our friendship, the times we had had a meaningful discussion about something beyond booze and boys could be counted on one hand.
“Sure,” I said, tucking sheets and blankets into the couch as I made my makeshift bed.<
br />
“Ells,” Dania said before leaving the room.
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re back. I know we’ll never be friends like we used to be, and I wouldn’t want that. I’d sort of like to forget about those people we used to be.”
I snorted. “I can totally agree with that.”
“Yeah, well I’m glad we can agree on something,” Dania smirked but then she became serious. “But I hope we can find a way to be friends again. Better than we ever were before. Because even though I wasn’t good for you, you were always the best thing for me. I just want to return the favor.”
Lyla’s crying grew louder and before I could reply, Dania had disappeared into her daughter’s bedroom.
I spent a long time after that, lying on Dania’s lumpy couch, watching the snowfall outside, thinking about how the evening turned out so differently than I thought it would.
Dania had given me a lot to think about.
Chapter Fifteen
-Flynn-
A few years ago
I am going to see Ellie.
I haven’t seen her in over five months. Not since she left Wellston to go to school.
We are going to meet in Franklinburg, Maryland. It’s one hundred and twenty-one miles from Wellston. It’s one hundred and forty-eight miles from Baltimore. It’s a small town with four thousand five hundred and forty-six people. It has a Walmart and two restaurants.
We will be staying in the Econo Lodge. If I leave my house at ten-thirty, I will get to Franklinburg at twelve-fifty. One-fifteen if I take into account possible traffic.
It will take Ellie longer to get there. She told me she couldn’t leave until eleven because of her class. She won’t get to Franklinburg until one-thirty.
I wish she would come to Wellston. I could make her dinner and we could take Murphy on walks. I like having Ellie in my house. I like sitting beside her on the couch and watching television.
But she says she couldn’t come back yet. I don’t understand why not. When I asked her, she only says she isn’t ready.
Ready for what?
But every time I ask her she gets mad and I don’t like it when Ellie is mad. It makes my insides feel knotted up.
I started seeing a counselor in Wheeling. It takes me twenty-seven minutes to drive to his office. His name is Leonard Gentry. He’s younger than Kevin and I don’t like his beard. When I told him that, he told me the same thing Kevin always did. Sometimes you can think things and not say them. That you have to be careful with your words so they don’t hurt people’s feelings.
I told him that it was better to be honest then to lie. Leonard said he agreed with me but that I had to learn how to be diplomatic.
Leonard is nice though, and I like talking to him. He doesn’t make me feel strange and he knows not to stare at me when I speak. He understands that I don’t like that.
I told Leonard I was going to see Ellie and he helped me plan my trip. We talked about how I could feel more comfortable with going to a new place. I was anxious and worried for weeks. I threw up in the toilet last night and again after I dropped Murphy off with Imogen.
I am worried she won’t remember to give him his treats in the evening, not in the morning. I told her to only use his special tennis ball to play with him, but I’m not sure she will listen.
I didn’t like leaving Murphy with Imogen. I like Imogen; she’s a nice person and she likes Murphy but she won’t take care of him like I do.
But I want to see Ellie. I can’t take Murphy with me to the hotel. They don’t let dogs stay there.
Ellie’s excited to see me too. She’s not nervous like I am.
When I spoke to her last night, she sounded happy.
I find the hotel. I wrote down the directions and they were easy to follow. There was no traffic and I arrive at twelve forty-eight. Two minutes earlier than I was supposed to arrive. I sit in the car for two minutes until the clock on the dashboard says twelve-fifty, then I get out.
I walk to the front of the building and go inside. It smells funny. Like old people and vanilla.
“Why does it smell bad in here?” I ask the girl behind the counter. I don’t like how she’s looking at me. I wonder if that was something I should have kept in my head.
“Do you have a reservation?” she asks.
“I asked you a question,” I tell her. Maybe she forgot. She doesn’t look very smart.
“I don’t smell anything,” she says and her voice sounds funny. Like how Ellie sounds when she gets annoyed with me. I don’t say what I think. That her perfume is too strong and that’s why she can’t smell anything else. I keep that in my head.
“My name is Flynn Hendrick. I am staying with my girlfriend, Ellie McCallum for two nights. I reserved the queen room. It’s non-smoking. Check-in is at eleven. I got here a little late,” I tell her.
“I don’t need your life story, buddy,” she says, and I frown.
“I’m not your buddy. I don’t know you,” I say.
“Here’s your key. Your room is down the hall at the very end. Room one-oh-one,” she says and I can tell she wants me to leave.
I pick up my bag and head to the room. I wish Ellie were here already. I want to see her.
I go into the room and I don’t like it. The carpet is ugly and when I touch the blanket on the bed it’s rough. I go back out to the girl at the front desk.
“Can I get a different room?” I ask.
“Is there something wrong with the room?” she asks me.
“I don’t like it. It’s ugly. The blankets aren’t soft and the carpet has spots on it,” I tell her.
“Look, Mr. Hendrick, all the rooms will look the same. If you wanted something nicer you should have gone to the Ritz.” Her voice is getting loud, and I don’t like it.
I take a deep breath like Leonard and Kevin have told me to do. I want to see Ellie but I don’t want to stay in this hotel. I want to go back to Wellston and be in my own house. I don’t want to be in Franklinburg, Maryland.
I feel myself getting angry.
“I don’t want to be in that room!” I yell. “Move me somewhere else!”
The girl’s eyes get wide and she quickly hands me a different key. I don’t take it. I don’t want to touch it. I don’t want her looking at me.
“Stop staring at me!” I scream, covering my face with my hands. Where’s Ellie? I just want Ellie!
“Flynn! What’s going on?” I hear Ellie, but it doesn’t help! I just want to leave! I don’t want to be in this hotel anymore! It has ugly carpet and it smells bad!
“He wanted a different room and when I told him they were all the same, he flipped out. What the hell is wrong with him?”
“There’s nothing wrong with him, but there’s obviously something wrong with your people skills. I’ll be telling your manager about it, too,” Ellie says, but I can’t look at her.
I hate it when I get mad and scream. I feel bad afterwards. I know people will be staring at me. I’m embarrassed.
“Flynn, come on. Let’s go to the room,” Ellie says, touching my arm. I don’t want her to touch me. Not when I’m like this.
“Leave me alone!” I yell.
“Okay, I won’t touch you, but I’m tired and I don’t want to stand here all day. I’d like to go to our room.”
“It’s ugly! I don’t want to sleep here!” I yell into my hands.
“Okay, well let’s go somewhere else,” Ellie says, and I shake my head.
“I want to go home! I don’t want to be in Franklinburg, Maryland!” I’m getting really, really angry. When I get mad my head hurts and I can’t think straight. I yell and I throw stuff and then when I’m done, I feel stupid for acting that way.
I hate yelling in front of Ellie. I hate seeing the look on her face that I don’t really understand. A look that makes me think that she doesn’t want to be with me.
I run out of the hotel and go to my car. I get inside and lock the doors. I ju
st want to be left alone. I hit the steering wheel hard. It makes my hand hurt.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
There’s a knock on the window after I feel calmer. It’s Ellie. I don’t unlock the door. I don’t want to see that expression on her face. I ignore her, wanting her to go away.
I wanted to see her so badly and now I just want her to leave.
I don’t like feeling this way. It makes my chest hurt and my stomach feel sick.
“Let me in, Flynn,” I hear her say.
She’s not going anywhere. She is standing beside my car and I feel bad. I don’t want to make her upset.
I unlock my car doors, and she gets into the passenger seat. We don’t say anything.
I like our quiet.
“If you want to go home, it’s okay,” she says, and I don’t believe her. She sounds sad.
“I don’t want to be here. I don’t like this hotel,” I tell her.
She makes a noise but I don’t look at her.
“Then go home, Flynn. But I’m tired and I want to sleep. So I’m going to stay here tonight,” she says, and I know she’s not sad anymore. She’s angry. With me. Why is she always angry with me lately?
Ellie gets out of the car and goes back into the hotel.
I don’t leave.
I don’t want to go home anymore.
I want to make Ellie happy. I want to see her smile.
I go inside.
I don’t look at the girl behind the counter. I walk to the room that I went to earlier and knock on the door.
Ellie opens it and her mouth is open. Does she look surprised? Is that right?
“I thought you were going home,” she says.
“I came here to see you. I’m not going home,” I say, and she smiles.
The knots in my stomach are gone and I don’t feel sick anymore. My head stops hurting and I feel warm inside.
I want to touch her so I do. I reach out and put my fingers in her hair. I like the feel of her hair. It’s soft and smells nice.
“I know this is hard for you, Flynn. I’m asking a lot of you but I love that you’re trying,” Ellie says and her voice is quiet. She puts her arms around me and I get that tingly feeling inside that I like.
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