I stopped laughing. I tried to get my friends focused on something else. I couldn’t let them treat Flynn like that.
Not when his green eyes looked at me like I was destroying him.
I found him at his locker before class.
“I’m sorry, Flynn,” I said. And I meant it. The only time I felt anything was with him.
It flooded through me unabated.
Flynn wouldn’t look at me. I reached out and touched his shoulder but he flinched and pulled away. I dropped my hand.
“You’re mean,” he said, and I couldn’t argue.
Because I was mean.
But I needed to talk to him. Even though I had sworn I wouldn’t anymore. I needed what he gave me. Acceptance. Love. Comfort.
“Talk to me, Flynn,” I said softly.
Flynn slammed his locker shut and peeked up at me through the thick strands of his dark hair. “I hate your hair,” he said and walked away.
Why did it feel as though he were saying that he hated me?
**
“I want you to come with me to see Leonard,” Flynn announced later that day. Since deciding to go to New York, we had spent the entire morning looking at pictures and street plans of Manhattan. I wasn’t even sure exactly where Nadine lived, but I sure as hell wouldn’t tell Flynn that. That would have thrown him into a tailspin.
“Uh, yeah. Okay,” I said, though not entirely sure how I felt with the idea of seeing Flynn’s shrink. I had been through more than enough therapists for one lifetime. But I also knew that Leonard was an integral part of Flynn’s life. That it was Leonard who helped him grow comfortable with pushing his boundaries. Just as Flynn’s counselor Kevin had done before him.
“I have an appointment tomorrow after work. You can meet me at my office and we can drive over together,” he said.
“That sounds fine,” I said, suddenly very nervous. I didn’t like the idea of being picked apart by anyone. Particularly someone that I knew would be looking for things to analyze. And I’m sure I’d give this Leonard dude all kinds of things to analyze.
Flynn smiled. “Leonard helps me out a lot. I’m glad you’re coming with me to see him.”
I gave him a strained smile in return. “I’m happy to,” I lied.
Flynn pulled on his boots and coat. “I’m taking Murphy outside,” he announced. I stayed on my spot on the couch, not wanting to go out in the cold.
“You’re not coming,” he noticed, looping the leash around Murphy’s neck.
“I think I’ve had enough walking through the snow for one day,” I said.
“I hate the snow. It’s cold and wet and makes my toes numb. But Murphy likes the snow so I’ll go outside.” He seemed so resigned that it was cute.
I watched Flynn and Murphy in the yard. One of the few times he actually laughed was with his dog. My heart swelled at the sight of Flynn grinning and playing in a way that as completely out of character. Particularly given his dislike for the cold, wet stuff.
Flynn was coming to New York with me but I wondered if my insistence was a mistake. I wanted to share that experience with him so badly but then I remembered how hard it had been for him to go to Franklinburg. I thought about his time at the beach and even though he seemed to enjoy it more than he thought he would, it was still a struggle for him. He had flipped out when he couldn’t find the right turn off and I had to drive the rest of the way to the hotel.
And then there was his mini melt down after my graduation. That had only been a little over a month ago. What in the hell was I thinking?
But Leonard seemed to be pushing him to do things outside of his comfort zone. Maybe this could be helpful to him and not a huge, giant disaster waiting to happen.
And maybe I was completely delusional.
I called Nadine, still watching my boyfriend and his dog romping around in the snow. Flynn tripped and fell face first in the cold, wet slush. And he didn’t freak out. He laughed. And it made me warm inside to see.
“Ellie!” Nadine said after answering the phone.
“Hey Nadine! How are you?”
“Well, I’m on a smoke break, freezing my ass off. How about you?”
Flynn started to race Murphy across the yard. I chuckled when the dog knocked the back of his knees, sending him sprawling once again.
“We got almost a foot of snow last night. So I’m home, trying to stay warm. Though Flynn seems to think sixty degrees is more than comfortable,” I muttered, pulling a wool throw off the back of the couch and covering my legs.
“That sounds miserable,” Nadine sympathized.
“I’ll live. So what’s new with you?” I asked.
“You know, just working the grind. Drinking my weight in alcohol. Embracing my youth,” Nadine replied blandly, and I laughed.
“Oh guess what! I was going through some stuff from school the other day and I found those horrible pleather pants that you made me wear. I could have sworn I threw those things out! When did you sneak them in my stuff?” Nadine accused good-naturedly.
“Before I left. I didn’t want you to forget about me,” I chuckled, thinking about those crazy pants and the fact that I still couldn’t believe Nadine had convinced me to wear them.
It had been my first month at school and I wasn’t doing much in the way of socializing or trying to make friends. I was making do with monosyllabic mumbling and hand gestures when spoken to. It was working so far, though I was starting to feel like the weird cat lady of the dorm, sans furry felines.
I was at least a few years older than most of the other students, though I was residing in an upper classmen dormitory. I felt more than a little out of place, even without my country hick upbringing.
So I went to classes. I hung out in the library. I got a job at the campus bookstore, which provided all the social interaction I required. When I wasn’t at any of those places, I was holed up in my room, reading or completing homework.
But I was lonely. Damn it all to hell, I actually wished I had someone to hang out with. I didn’t like people. I typically avoided social interactions like the plague. But I was a fish out of water and I just kind of wanted someone to talk to. Especially since Flynn’s limited communications skills were proving even more impaired over a telephone.
And then Nadine plopped into my life. She was the complete opposite of anyone I had ever hung out with. We were like oil and water on paper but in the real world, we funnily enough got along.
It was only a month or two after I had arrived at college and I was once again, bored and slightly miserable in my dorm room on a Saturday night. Then there was a knock at my door. I opened it to reveal a short girl with brown hair tied back in a low ponytail. Her clothes were a cross between groupie slut and J-Crew. Huh?
I recognized her from my American Lit class. She talked a lot and always answered the professor’s questions. She was chatty and endlessly perky without the help of caffeine. Otherwise someone I’d never purposefully associate with unless I was dying on the side of the road or something. Even then I’d have to think about talking to her. Yep, I was judging her without knowing her.
Hypocritical asshat table for one.
“There’s a metal and mayhem party over at some bar downtown. It looks pretty fun. Wanna come?” Was she mentally deficient? Who just knocks on some random person’s door and invites them out to a bar?
Apparently this chick did.
“I don’t know you. Why the fuck would I go to a bar with you?” I had asked, narrowing my eyes. It was instinctual to be a bitch. You know the saying, find something you’re good at and stick with it.
Nadine hadn’t been intimidated by my shitty attitude. On the contrary, she smiled at me as though I were absolutely adorable. It was infuriating. It was one of the only times in my life I wished I had my psychotic reputation to rely on. Then she would never have thought about knocking on my closed door.
“Yeah, well I don’t know you either, but I figured hanging out together might be a good place to
start.” I eyeballed her bipolar ensemble, trying to get a read on her and failing miserably. She seemed to be your stereotypical preppy girl with little make up and perfect hair. But she was wearing a leather bustier and skinny jeans. On her feet was a pair of leather boots with spiked heels that would have made Dania jealous.
“I don’t think so,” I had said, starting to close the door, but Nadine had stuck her foot out and wedged it in the doorway.
“So you’re just going to hang out in your room for the rest of the school year? Sounds pretty lame to me,” she had remarked, not coming in but not leaving either.
“And your opinion really matters to me. Nice shirt,” I sneered. Nadine had looked down at her ridiculous outfit and shrugged, not bothered by my nastiness.
“It’s not my normal style, but I think I work it.” She had put her hand on her hip and struck a pose, pocking her bottom lip out dramatically. I snorted and rolled my eyes, not able to help myself from laughing.
“So, you can smile. Good to know. I was beginning to wonder,” Nadine had said cocking her head to the side. “Come on. If you hate it you can leave. But I’m trying to get a bunch of people together to go. It should be a hoot!”
“And you thought to ask me? Are you drunk?” I asked dryly.
Nadine laughed. “So you comin’ or not?” she asked, not rising to my bait.
I looked around my room and realized I had nothing else to do. “Sure, why not,” I had told her.
She didn’t clap her hands or let out a whoop like most obnoxious people I had encountered. She had simply nodded her head and backed out the door.
“Okay, well get dressed and I’ll come back and get you in twenty,” she had said.
I remembered looking down at my plain jeans and cotton shirt. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” I had asked.
“It’s not slutty enough. Show some skin,” she had told me before closing the door.
I had scrounged through my closet and came up with nothing that could possible fulfill the slutty quota required. When Nadine arrived back at my room exactly twenty minutes later, she shoved something shiny in my hands.
I held up the most hideous fake leather pants I had ever seen. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with these?” I asked, horrified.
“You put one leg in one hole, then you put the other leg in the other hole. Then you pull them up over your ass and zip them up. Do you need help?” Nadine had asked wryly and I looked at her as though she had gone insane.
“Do you expect me to wear these? They’re ridiculous!”
“Yeah, well looking at your wardrobe, you’re not in much of a position to pass judgment,” Nadine had commented, her eyes looking pointedly at my shirt with a hole in the armpit.
I hadn’t decked her. I hadn’t gone primeval and ripped her hair from her head and then thrown her out the door. Call it maturity, or maybe just common sense, but I didn’t resort to physical violence to handle my irritation. Go me! I didn’t shout in her face or shove her out of my room either.
Honestly, I thought she was kind of cool. What in the hell was wrong with me?
Maybe I had simply spent so much time by myself lately I had forgotten what constituted as “cool.”
So I had put on the horrific pleather pants and had gone to the bar with Nadine. I had hated it. I left early, leaving Nadine there.
I thought that would have been the end of it.
I was wrong. Because Nadine was relentless in a way I wasn’t used to. And maybe I was in a position to be more open to people I wouldn’t have normally given the time of day. Flynn had fucked with my people repelling force field.
Our friendship had grown gradually without effort or pressure. It was easy in a way being friends with Dania had never been.
My relationship with Nadine wasn’t born out of traumatic circumstances or mutual survival. It was just…normal. And normal was something I had always been in short supply.
“Like I need something to remember you, Ellie,” Nadine chided, yanking me out of my trip down memory lane.
“You can wear ‘em if you want. I won’t mind,” I teased. I loved the girl I was around Nadine. She was fun and dare I say it, carefree. She could joke and hang out in social situations without breaking out into hives. She was entirely different person.
That girl would never have survived in Wellston and I worried she’d disappear now that I was back.
Which was why going to New York seemed so necessary. I needed to hold onto this new Ellie before I lost her forever.
“I don’t think the bosses would be too thrilled with squeaky pleather in the work place,” Nadine mused, as though actually considering it. And knowing Nadine she probably was.
“Okay, enough with the small talk. I’m coming for a visit. You know if the offer of your couch is still available,” I said, getting to the point. I could see that Flynn was starting to head back towards the house. Murphy jumped around him, obviously not done playing.
“Seriously?” Nadine asked, sounding excited.
“I think so. Is it okay if I bring Flynn?” I asked, wincing a bit.
“Is he going to tell me my ass is fat or that my feet look funny?” Nadine asked and I couldn’t tell if she was pissed or not.
“He might. Though you don’t really have a fat ass, so I think you’re safe. As for the feet thing, I can’t be sure he’ll hold his tongue,” I quipped.
“That’s fine. I’ll just have to stay covered up so he doesn’t feel the need to comment on my less than appealing body parts.”
I laughed. “He doesn’t mean anything by it. He just doesn’t have a filter,” I excused, hating that I had to explain Flynn’s behavior.
“I get it. I had a cousin with Asperger’s. She’s the same way,” Nadine said and I stiffened.
“So just because you know someone with Asperger’s that makes you an expert?” I snapped. The instinct to jump to his defense was strong and uncontrollable.
“Whoa, Ellie, I never said that!” Nadine protested.
“Look, Flynn is a little different, but he’s my boyfriend. I love him. I won’t put up with people making him feel bad. Not even you, Nadine,” I responded coldly. I had spent years not standing up for him. I would never make that mistake again.
“I really think you misinterpreted what I was saying. I didn’t mean to generalize him or make it seem like I think he’s weird or something. I’m glad you’re coming for a visit. And I’m glad you’re bringing Flynn. Mi casa es su casa.”
I felt a little bad for jumping down her throat but I couldn’t apologize for standing up for Flynn. I never would. Even if the need was unfounded this time.
The kitchen door opened and I heard Murphy barrel inside and Flynn calling after him.
“Look, I’d better go,” I said.
“Hey, you know I didn’t mean anything right?” Nadine asked, sounding worried.
“Yeah, I know,” I sighed.
“Just let me know when you’re planning to come up here and I’ll set up some stuff for us to do. It’ll be great.”
Flynn came into the living room; Murphy bounded past him and launched himself at me. His tongue lapped at my face and I laughed, trying to push him away.
“Sounds cool. I’ll let you know,” I said a little breathlessly, trying to get away from the mountain of dog fur that pressed against me.
“Okay, I can’t wait to see you!”
“You too,” I replied and then hung up.
Flynn straightened the small sculptures on the shelf by the window. “Who were you talking to?” he asked.
“It was Nadine. I was telling her that we were coming to see her in New York,” I explained. Flynn’s jaw tightened and his hands clenched into fists.
The idea of going on this trip obviously stressed him out.
“You’re still okay with coming with me right?” I asked.
Flynn pushed his hair off his forehead. “You want to go and I want to come with you,” he said and I wasn’t sure if tha
t really answered my question or not.
He sat down beside me once he was finished straightening the knick-knacks. He carefully put his arm around my shoulders and we sat together awkwardly.
I wondered if we would we ever be the type of couple who could fall into each other effortlessly and without hesitation at being touched?
Flynn leaned over and kissed the top of my head. “You smell good,” he said, his lips brushing my hair, making me shiver in a way that had nothing to do with the cold.
Flynn’s fingers dug into my arm as he held me against his side, seeming to fight with himself not to pull away.
And he held me, rigid and inflexible. But the warmth of his arm wrapped around me and I willed myself to be content with that.
It was here in his quiet company that I had finally come home.
Chapter Eighteen
-Ellie-
“Look what I got!” Stu said, holding up a multi-colored box.
“Woohoo, you got fireworks,” I muttered sarcastically.
Stu glared at me and knocked back the rest of his beer. “Do you have any better ideas, Miss Bitch?”
Dania giggled at Stu’s less than sweet term of endearment. She was wasted. I was wasted. Stu was wasted.
The three of us with booze was probably a very bad combination. Nothing good ever came of us drinking together. We had been sloshed on moonshine when we had decided to try acid for the first time, and I had spent the night throwing up and thinking I was shrinking.
We had been drinking the night we had egged the principal’s house and gotten busted because Stu had wanted to piss in his pool.
I had asked Flynn if I could come over earlier today. I don’t know why. But I missed him. A lot.
He had said he hated me and to leave him alone.
It had hurt more than I wanted to admit.
Now I was trying to numb the hurt with booze and bad decisions.
“Maybe you want to go hang out with your friend the freak,” Stu sneered and Dania kept cackling. It hurt my head.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Stu?” I slurred.
“What’s his name? Flynn? I see you talking to him. I know you hang out with him,” Stu said, his voice deadly quiet. The look in his eyes worried me.
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