by Ava Thorpe
Looking at himself in the mirror, he saw how sunken and swollen his eyes were. He looked like death, but he didn’t know how to fix it. There was nothing he could do. Walking to the door of his hotel room, he shut it behind him, walking toward the elevator.
Luckily, Carter didn’t catch any of his teammates on the way down to the exit. Grabbing the first cab he saw, he directed the driver to Max’s downtown condo. It had been a while since he’d been in Max’s place, but he knew it wasn’t too far from the hotel.
It didn’t take long for him to get to the building. Paying the cab driver, he got out of the cab, punching in Max’s number on his phone.
“Hey, I’m downstairs at the lobby,” he said when Max picked up.
“Gotcha, be right there,” Max replied, hanging up.
Carter sat on one of the couches near the concierge’s desk. It was a swanky place—much fancier than the one he lived in, with a full-time security team along with the concierge. He’d never lived in a place with a concierge before. Carter had no idea how they worked.
It must cost Max a pretty penny, but Max was also making quadruple what Carter was making, so he was sure Max wasn’t in the hole.
“Hey, buddy,” Max said as he walked towards Carter.
Standing up, Carter pulled Max into a loose hug. “How are ya, man, it’s been ages.” Being in two different conferences, the Admirals only got to play Nashville two times during the season.
He followed Max into the elevator, chatting about their respective teams until they hit Max’s unit on the 10th floor.
Max unlocked his door, and they were greeted by two rowdy Labrador dogs, one yellow and the other black. He didn’t know Max had dogs. They were adorable as fuck.
“When’d you get the dogs?” he asked as they walked into the hallway.
Max grinned. “They’re Chase’s. They just love me better, that’s all. Don’t tell Chase that, though,” he said cheekily. He removed his shoes, padding towards the living room. “Chase? Where you at?”
“In the bedroom,” Chase yelled out.
Carter had never met Chase outside of a game setting before. On the ice, he didn’t like the guy. He was fast, strong on the puck, and sometimes downright impossible to defend against. Off the ice, though, Max assured him that Chase was a good guy.
“Welling, hey, what’s up?” Chase greeted, walking out from one of the rooms in the condo. He shook Carter’s hand firmly, smiling.
Returning the gesture, he shook Chase’s hand back. “Great, great. Good to see you, man.”
Chase nodded at him, before facing Max. He placed his hand on Max’s hip, kissing Max chastely. “I’ll leave you guys to it. Call me later?”
“You’re not staying?” Carter asked. He’d expected Chase to stay once he saw him in the condo. He didn’t want to kick the guy out, not when it was clear he was a big part of Max’s life.
“Yeah, going to go reel in the rookies and make sure they don’t get into too much trouble. You guys have fun,” he said cheerily. He whistled for the dogs, and they ran to him immediately. “I’ll see you tomorrow, eh?”
Carter nodded. “Yeah, see you.”
When Chase left, Max called for delivery. It was in their nutritional plan, he assured Carter. Carter shrugged and sat on the sofa. He wasn’t really in the mood for food, his appetite still in tatters.
“Want to play some hockey?” Max asked, taking a seat beside him.
“Always,” Carter said. He didn’t know if it was narcissistic of them, but he’d never met a hockey player who didn’t like playing hockey-related video games. They often played themselves, too, which made it even more hilarious. “Your rating sucks, by the way.”
Max stuck out his tongue. “At least I have a rating, eh, rookie?”
Touché. Carter didn’t have a rating yet in this particular video game, because he spent most of last year in Albany. Still, he was going to kick Max’s ass.
They played for a while until the food got there. Max was right, for take-out, the spread was all pretty healthy looking. He still didn’t feel like eating, but the falafels sure did look mighty tempting. He grabbed one, popping it into his mouth as he used his controller one-handed.
During a lull in the game, Carter lay back on the couch, curious. “Does Chase stay with you often then?”
“Sometimes. He lives out in the suburbs, and it’s easier to get to the rink from my place,” Max said. He motioned towards the kitchen. “Want a beer?”
It was shocking how easily he said it, like it was just how things were. Two people, not married a million years ago like half of Carter’s teammates, or ditched by their latest hookup the second they had to go on a long road trip. Something comfortable. Something Carter had already kind of had.
Carter nodded. “Maybe one,” he said. “And that must be nice, eh? Having your boyfriend so close by.”
Max went to the kitchen, and quickly came back with two bottles of an IPA Carter had never heard of. “Yeah, it’s pretty nice, not gonna lie. I mean, it’s not perfect? It’s difficult sometimes, but it does help that he’s around a lot. I like that I get to share all of these parts of my job with him, you know?”
“I can imagine,” Carter said. “And difficult? How so? Have you guys told anyone from your team?”
“Yeah, a few. We haven’t, like, announced it outright or anything, but we’ve told a few. We’re also not that subtle, I’m afraid. Everyone in the team seems to be accepting, which is great. But it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t just hold his hand in public, you know?” Max said, taking a sip from his beer. “Sometimes I want to yell out just how much he means to me from the rooftops, but I can’t, you know? I’m not sure either of us are ready to be the first out players.”
“No, I imagine not,” Carter said. “I can see how that could be difficult sometimes.”
Max smiled ruefully. “It’s worth it, though. He’s worth it. It’s not easy, but I’m not going to stop trying, you know?”
Carter almost winced from Max’s words. Was Luke worth it to him? Was Luke worth all the risk?
He is, his brain supplied.
Carter took a long pull of his beer, trying to shut off his mind.
“What about you? You seeing anyone?”
Swallowing, Carter said, “Sort of? Or well, I was. I think…I think I messed up.”
Max laughed, but not unkindly. “Oh, buddy. How did you mess up?” He stood up to go to the kitchen. “This requires another round of drinks, I think.”
“I see what you’re trying to do, you’re trying to get me drunk for tomorrow,” Carter said snarkily.
Max flipped him off. “I don’t need to get you drunk to make you ineffective. You know I can beat you. Also, you’re avoiding my question.”
“Fuck you,” Carter said good-naturedly. Then more seriously, “And I fucked up. I saw a text that I may have misunderstood, and I broke it off with him. Hell, it probably wasn’t even about the text—”
Max placed a hand on his shoulder. “Wait. Wait a second. Did you say ‘him’? Like, him as in a guy? You were seeing a guy? You didn’t tell me you were gay, what the hell, Carter?”
Carter looked down bashfully. “Bi. I think. I didn’t know either, okay? It came as a surprise.”
“Surprise sounds about right, god, Carter,” Max said, whistling. “That’s…a lot.”
“It is a lot, but I fucked up. I fucked up really bad.” Carter finished the last of his beer, putting the bottle aside. He grabbed the full bottle Max got, and drank.
“We’ve established that,” Max said wryly. “The question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to keep fucking up or are you going to fix it?”
Fix it? How could Carter even begin to fix it? “What’s the point? I could get sent down to Albany, and he could go to law school in Bumfuck, Manitoba. Then what?”
“So you’re going to give up now? That’s it?” Max gave him a long look. “Sure, you could get sent down to Albany. But what if
you don’t? What if you stay? What if he stayed? Are you just going to overlook that?”
Carter didn’t have an answer for him. He was taking the coward’s way out, he knew that. “It’s just…it’s complicated.”
“Is it worth it, though?” Max asked. “Because at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.”
Carter thought about it, really thought about it. He paused, his heart hammering out of his chest. A lot of things could go wrong. They could be separated by time and distance, and what if someone found out? What if Carter was outed? What then?
Was Luke worth it?
Yes, his mind supplied. A thousand times yes.
“What do I do, buddy?” Carter raked his fingers through his hair anxiously. “I can’t just text him or call him, not after I ended things so abruptly. Plus, I’m stuck here in Nashville until tomorrow.”
Max rolled his eyes, but the look he gave Carter was sympathetic. “Well, what does your gut say?”
His gut said to seek out Luke as soon as he could. He knew Luke would be at Future, a bar in Ottawa, on Friday at 8PM. He didn’t know what was happening there, but he could go there and find Luke. He could explain his side, and get answers about this whole ordeal.
Carter could tell Luke exactly how he felt.
It was scary. After all, Luke could laugh in his face, and tell him he didn’t feel the same. But the opposite could also happen.
What if Luke loved him back? What if Carter just never gave him a chance to say the words?
Max patted his shoulder. “You’ve got this, man. Don’t be afraid.”
Carter slowly nodded his head, his resolve forming. Yeah, he wasn’t going to be afraid. Luke was worth it. Neither of them knew what was going to happen in the future, but it didn’t mean they shouldn’t at least try.
“Thanks, Max,” he said quietly, glad to have a best friend who understood.
“No problem,” Max said genially. “Now tell me about this guy. Holy fuck, I still can’t believe it.”
Laughing, Carter took another drink of his beer, telling Max more about Luke. It felt good, telling someone else about him. Luke had become such an integral part of his life that it was becoming increasingly clear that it was important for Carter to tell others about Luke’s significance.
Now he just had to get Luke back.
He hoped he wasn’t too late.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Luke
The last couple of days had been awful. There was no other word for it. Outside of practicing for his gig, Luke spent most of his time moping.
He missed Carter something fierce. It was like an ache in his bones that he couldn’t get out. Carter had gotten into him, totally, completely, irrevocably so. All he could think about was seeing Carter, or rather, forcing Carter to see him. He was home from Nashville now, and there was a part of Luke that would rather be at Carter’s doorstep, banging on his door to let him in, than here at Future.
He looked out onto the sea of people congregating near the stage. He was surprised by the number of people who’d come to see him play. His friends were there—roommates, too—and it helped him stay focused. He felt less restless, calmer, knowing his friends were out there for support.
There was a part of him that wished Carter would magically show up at his gig, that he would burst through the doors, proclaiming his love for Luke. It was silly, considering Luke never told him about the gig in the first place.
He should have, he knew that now. There were a lot of things Luke would change, given the opportunity. He let himself be ruled by fear, let himself be afraid of what was right in front of him. He should have told Carter how he felt.
He should have told Carter he was in love with him.
It wasn’t too late. He knew that much, but right now, right at this moment, there was nothing he could do but play his guitar and sing his heart out.
“Hey, I wanted to say thank you for coming before I started,” he said into the microphone. His voice felt unsteady, and his hands were clammy from nervousness. “I really appreciate it.”
He was welcomed by a roar of cheers. Immediately, he felt bolder, braver, and he started to strum his guitar. “This first song’s by our very own Canadian national poet laureate. Here’s ‘Sooner Than Later’ by Drake.”
Luke played the first few bars of the song, trying to calm himself down. He could do this. Taking a deep, sating breath, he started to sing, “I forgot to call you on your birthday…”
He followed the song up with two of his original songs. He wasn’t much of a songwriter, but he’d built up a small cache of songs over the last few years. He was the most nervous about them, but looking out into the crowd, seeing them all nod along as he sang, it was invigorating. They liked him, they liked his songs, and Luke was flabbergasted by the response.
Taking a small break after his third song, he took a swig of water from the water bottle on stage with him. He started strumming his guitar again, but he stopped, his breath catching, when he saw him walk into the room.
Carter.
Carter was here.
How? Luke didn’t know how Carter could have known about the gig. Carter looked nervous and out of sorts as he snaked his way to the middle of the crowd. But then their eyes met, and it was like time stopped. The whole room disappeared, and all Luke could see, all Luke could focus on, was Carter.
Carter gave him a small, hesitant smile. Hope bloomed within Luke. Was Carter here for him? Did this mean Carter wanted him back?
He cleared his throat, waving to the crowd. “Sorry about that,” he said. Be brave, Luke, he thought intently. This was the time to be brave. “Someone very special just walked in. And well, this one’s for you.”
Luke closed his eyes, nervous about Carter’s reaction. He let himself get lost in the music, his fingers thrumming through his guitar by memory. He opened his mouth and softly, he sang. “I think that possibly maybe I’m falling for you…”
It was another cover, but the words meant just as much to Luke as his original songs. He sang the words, letting his emotions pour out, hoping Carter would understand every word, every meaning.
When he finished, the entire room erupted into applause. Slowly, falteringly, he opened his eyes, meeting Carter’s gaze. Carter’s eyes were blazing intensely, focused entirely on Luke. It made him shiver. There was heat behind his eyes, undeniably so, and Luke had to glance away to keep his composure.
He wanted to kiss Carter, wanted to shake him, and hug him, and make him tell Luke that everything was going to be all right. He was hurt, yes. Mad, yes. But he was also relieved—happy in a way that he couldn’t describe.
He still couldn’t believe that Carter was here.
Luke ran through the rest of his set. Embarrassingly, half way through, he realized just how much of a part Carter had played when he chose his song list. Almost everything he sang was about Carter, and by the end of the night, he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide or deny his feelings. It was there for the whole world to hear.
For Carter to hear.
The applause was deafening when he finished his last song. Luke blushed, unaccustomed to the attention. He couldn’t help but search for Carter. There were hundreds of people around, but the only one that mattered was the guy right in the center of it all: Carter Welling.
He unstrapped his guitar, laying it against his guitar stand. He could clear up his gear later. He needed to see Carter.
Mike clasped his shoulder when he saw him backstage. Luke couldn’t exactly avoid him, so he stopped, shaking the other man’s hand.
“Thanks so much again for letting me play,” Luke said. “I really appreciate the opportunity.”
Grinning, Mike said, “You were great, kid. And judging from the crowd’s reaction, it looks like they liked you a lot. I’d love to have you back, if you are interested.”
Luke stared at him incredulously. He wanted Luke back? “Yeah, absolutely,” Luke said, breathless. “That’s…that’s fantastic.”
“Why don’t you give me a call on Monday? We’ll discuss possible dates and see what works for both of us. It probably won’t be until late spring, but I’m sure I can fit you in somewhere,” Mike said.
Nodding, Luke said, “I will, you’ve got it.”
Mike slapped his shoulder, before heading to the bar. Luke still couldn’t believe it—he was going to have another shot at Future. The crowd had been so receptive, so supportive—Luke had soaked it all in. To have another shot at that, Luke felt beyond lucky.
Glancing towards where Carter was standing, he felt relieved that Carter hadn’t left yet. Making his way there, though, he was stopped by his friends, excitedly jumping around him.
“Holy shit, buddy, that was amazing,” Ben said, giving him a big bear hug. “You sounded awesome.”
Zarwah followed suit with a hug of her own. “For real, you were stellar. Where’ve you been hiding all that talent?”
Luke blushed at the attention. “You guys are just biased,” he said ruefully.
“Please, you know I’d tell you if you were awful,” Z said, smirking. “You were great. Take the compliment!”
“Fine, fine,” Luke said. “Thank you guys for coming. Seriously. I was a little worried no one would come. Knowing you guys were here fixed a lot of my nerves.”
Ben beamed at him. “Anytime, bud. Like I said, when you win your Grammy, make sure you remember us little ones.”
Laughing, Luke rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, of course.” He glanced sideways to where Carter was standing. “Listen, I’ve—I’ll be back, okay? I’m sorry, I just have to do a…”
Zarwah followed where he was looking, winking at him knowingly. “Ah, gotcha. No need to explain. We’ll be around if you want to hang out, but if something comes up, no sweat.”
“Thanks, Z,” Luke said.
Waving him off, Z said, “Go get your man.”
He followed her edict, continuing towards Carter. Luke was stopped a couple more times by well-wishers, but he was able to fend them off politely. He valued them for coming, but he had one destination in mind. Luke couldn’t wait any longer.
