My parents couldn’t have been more excited when I told them the girls are coming over. I guess it really has been awhile since I was actively social. I know most teens lie to their parents so they can get away with stuff, but sometimes I want to lie to them to make them feel better, like lie that I am going to a party and then sneak back into my room to do homework or something. But tonight I have plans for real. It is the night of my little group gathering and I’m starting to think I’ve been putting way too much importance on such a little event. I guess I’m just trying to be an optimist about something. I haven’t done anything with my friends outside of school since the summer. That could be the reason I feel so out of touch… Well…it could.
I get back from school and try to make our basement look festive. There really isn’t that much I can do, so I just make sure it looks clean and there are plenty of movies to pick from. We never really watched the movies though; we’d start with the best of intentions but someone would always remember something they just had to share, and the best of intentions would go up in a cloud of gossip. I’d like to say I was better than all that, but I wasn’t. I was just as bad as the next girl. I loved gossip. It doesn’t really appeal to me anymore -- once things get put in the proper perspective you don’t want to go back -- but I used to love gossip (or maybe I’m just worried people have been talking about me). I used to live for it. I’m not really sure what I’m living for anymore, but whatever it is I guess it has to be a step up if it’s anything at all.
“Hey, girl!” Amanda bounds downstairs like she’s actually excited to be here. She’s even early. “I forgot how much I love your house. Why haven’t we gotten to hang out more?”
“Must be because I’m always at work.” Yeah, I know I’m a coward. I’m also tired. I don’t want to fight anymore.
“Well, that won’t be an issue next year! Here -- I brought some housing stuff to look through.”
Back in the good old days of freshman year, Amanda and I decided we were going to be college roommates. We’d been each other’s first friends in high school, so it made sense we’d be friends in college too. We were planning to go to the same state school because it was cheap and we didn’t know what to do with ourselves. It had seemed like such a perfect fit. I haven’t really been thinking about school much anymore and I certainly hadn’t thought Amanda would still be up for the rooming-together thing. It would be nice to go to a school where I knew someone. The college decision would be finished, and that was one less thing to worry about. I pick up the glossy brochure Amanda tosses at me.
“Now, I’m thinking we should request a co-ed floor, so that way we can live on the same floor as Jake and his roommate. That’d make it, like, the best year ever!”
Jake. I’d almost forgotten about Jake. He hadn’t been around freshman year. I always thought it was my relationship with William that had started to break my bond with Amanda, but I’d never stopped to think about Amanda and Jake. We all thought she was just his rebound girl the way he’d been going through girls, but something had stuck and he stayed around. Amanda was constantly in contact with him. She texted him all day at school, called him from her car on the way home, and found ways to get to his house every day after school. I’m not sure if things would have been the same with me and William if life had been different, but I’d like to think so. I’m not sure how Amanda found time to do anything but be his girlfriend. I guess it wasn’t that bad if she was happy, but I don’t think I’d survive living with the two of them for a year. Maybe if William was alive. But he’s not.
“There’s no way of knowing we’d all be on the same floor. Besides, it might be nice to get to know some other people.”
“For you, but me and Jake don’t need any more people. We’re happy with just each other.”
“Um, okay.” What’s the point. Really. She’ll hate me by next week anyway.
“This is going to be so much fun next year! Jake’s mom has all sorts of dorm room stuff for us. You know she has all boys but she just loves buying cute stuff so she got all this stuff for me to take. You’ll just love it. We won’t have to buy anything for our room!”
“Wait, but…” My mind is having a little trouble understanding what’s going on here. I’m normally a pretty perceptive person, but this is one of those times where I want to slow down and take a mental breath. “So, your boyfriend’s mom bought the stuff for our dorm?”
“Do you have a problem with that? I mean, that’s pretty fuckin’ nice.”
“Yeah. But don’t you want to pick it out together? Have a Target day or something?”
“Seriously, Crissy, learn to listen. I did that part.”
“With Jake’s mom?”
“Now you’ve got it.” She gives me a nice, slow clap.
“I guess we can always exchange stuff if it really doesn’t work.”
“It’ll be great, Crissy!” Amanda smiles and she just seems so happy. I guess I really can’t complain about free, and it’s nice Amanda has a mom figure. Her mom as good as walked out even though they live in the same house. The only time I’ve ever actually seen proof Amanda doesn’t live alone is when her parents come out of hiding long enough to scream at each other. She probably needed Jake’s family more than she needed Jake. Of course, she could just as easily take after her mom and need a man more than she needs anything else. I don’t think that’s the case, though.
“Well, let me go grab my laptop and we can look at rooms. Maybe we can play with a layout or something since you know what kind of stuff we’ll have?” I can’t help it. When Amanda’s in a good mood it’s infectious. Yeah, I wish I didn’t always have to give in, but I don’t care that much, and if it gets me my friend back it’s gotta be worth it.
“Here, if we loft our beds we’ll have a lot more room.” Amanda sketches out a room plan based on the layout we found on the university website. It is actually kind of fun, planning for the future. I’m not even bothered when Amanda would checks her phone every five minutes to see if Jake texted her.
“Yeah, that sounds great. We could even build a little fort somewhere and have a get-away-from-the-rest-of-the-world space.” I’m feeling excited now. This could work. This could be okay.
“And I bet I could guilt my mom into buying a T.V. since Jake’s mom already got me so much.”
“We could build our own entertainment center! Have, like, a personal mini-movie theater. I bet my dad would let me take a nice selection of movies with me.”
“It’ll be so awesome! We’ll put the guys’ room to shame!”
Amanda and I burst into a fit of laughter. I don’t think we’ve laughed together like that since we met William and Jake. I wouldn’t have given up any of my time with William, and because of that I can’t really blame Amanda for spending so much time with Jake. Still, this time with just the two of us, being girls and friends and talking about helping each other get through the future, it reminds me why we’d been friends to begin with. It makes me wish we had more time to fix our friendship, that we’d both paid a little more attention to it. It also makes me wonder how long it would take before that feeling goes away. Everything was only a matter of time.
“Hey, Christine?” Amanda lies down on the floor and stares up at the ceiling.
“Yeah?” I lie down on the floor next to her and look up at the ceiling myself. Yeah, I’d missed this.
“Do you ever get really nervous about what’s going to happen when we get to college? Like maybe we aren’t ready to be adults yet?”
“Are you kidding me! I’m even worried about just making it through senior year. It’s like all these things are changing and everyone is so busy changing themselves there isn’t even a network to support us. Everyone is trying so hard to grow up I feel like we’re leaving each other behind. It’s scary. But I guess that’s what happens to everyone, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Amanda rolls to her side and gets up off the floor. “I’m actually not worried. Just wanted to see if you we
re. You’ve been acting so strange lately. I guess it’s just because you don’t have a ‘Jake’ to go with you.”
Amanda hops on the sofa and starts speed-texting. I guess she put in enough time trying to be nice to me today. What makes it hurt the most was that we had actually started opening up to each other and Amanda just shuts down when Jake decides to talk. I’m not sure what I would do if William was still alive and texting me, but he isn’t, and because he is dead I have this new desire to keep everyone I care about even closer. I wish it hadn’t taken losing William to realize it, and that I could help Amanda understand. I miss my friend so much. She doesn’t seem to care too much about me.
“Hey, hey, everyone!” Pru comes downstairs and helps dissipate the mood. She travels everywhere with her guitar. I’m not sure why. I guess it’s something left over from her parents’ hippie past. “Doesn’t look like I missed much. I think Liz and Mars are right behind me, so we should all be here soon.”
“Sweet! That means Crissy should get on ordering that pizza.” Amanda doesn’t even look up from her phone. I want to be angry and upset with her but I just keep thinking how much I miss my friend. I’d had her back just minutes ago. It isn’t fair.
“Hey! I brought food stuffs! The unhealthy variety, of course.” Mars never went anywhere empty-handed, and she always brought quality stuff. If her career as a pediatrician extraordinaire didn’t work out she’d have a brilliant fall-back option of pastry chef.
“Yup, why do you think I keep agreeing to drive this chick everywhere? Who cares about gas money. She keeps me overweight and stuffed with deliciousness. Would you believe she had two tins of those cookies when she got in my car?” Liz winks and follows Mars downstairs. She’s still loud but more subdued than usual. I actually really like Liz when she’s taking life just a little more seriously than usual (too bad that doesn’t happen more often).
“Pizzas are on their way. We could always have a reverse dinner and get the cookies first.” I’m feeling a little more relaxed. Things are starting to feel normal again, even if William is dead and Amanda has moved to a quieter corner to text. I hate when people think they need quiet to text. Just because you’re on your phone doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. People almost never use their phones for vocal conversations anymore.
“Pru, what’s with the guitar? Seriously, does this look like a drum circle to you?” Liz puts the case on the floor so she can sit on the couch.
“I just like having it here in case I get inspired. Or in case anyone asks me to play. I could use the practice.” Pru lets the unspoken request dangle in the air.
“I’d love to hear you play!” Mars is always the one who gives her the okay. Not that the rest of us mind. Maybe we should have gone out of our way to be a little more encouraging. If I loved something as much as Pru loves her guitar I’d want to do it all the time. Mars seems to be the only one who really understood, maybe because she is the only other one of us to know what her passion is.
“Yeah, Pru, it’s been awhile since we’ve all heard you show off.” I smile so she knows I’m kidding. At least I hope she knows I’m kidding. Sometimes people take things too personally.
“Okay,” Pru smiles, not looking at all offended. She looks excited as she picks up her guitar. She plays classical guitar, an odd choice for a hippie-child, but it’s impressive. I’ve never seen anyone’s hands move so fast so gracefully. I wish I had that kind of talent.
“Seriously, Pru, knock it off! I have to talk to Jake!” Amanda snarls from her corner. I guess she’s switched from texting to talking after all. I’m not sure what it is that bothers me so much about Amanda. Sure, she is a little bitchy and I’m not too crazy about her boy (not that I have the greatest taste either, apparently), but that isn’t all that bad when you looked at the world as a whole. I think I might be jealous. Not jealous of their relationship exactly, just jealous of their “we’re in this together and the world is just perfect” bubble. I want that back. It shouldn’t have been taken from me. I’m still a teenager; we all are. It’s cruel how unfair life is sometimes, and it just keeps getting worse.
“Sorry.” Pru mouths and she puts her guitar away lovingly. She looks at that guitar like it’s a person, and of all the people in the world I think she loves that one the most. She looks sad though, a little hurt too. She didn’t mean upset Amanda. She just wanted to play. We’d asked her to show off a little. No wonder we are all starting to drift away and develop our talents (at least those of us who have talents). This isn’t the most supportive environment anymore.
Amanda rolls her eyes and goes back to her phone call. She cups her hands over her mouth and the phone so we can’t hear exactly what’s being said, but I hear a lot of “it’ll be okays” being thrown around. Mars, Pru, Liz, and I all sit around in a circle. Even Liz is afraid to talk and Mars is starting to look upset. I don’t know what to do. I’ve had enough of being on Amanda’s bad side but I feel like I have to say something. No one else seems to want to go against her. It’s a little surprising considering how many strong personalities are in the room. Maybe she’s just always been our alpha. Every girl group is supposed to have an alpha if you read any literature on the subject. She isn’t doing a very good job of keeping our group together. If that’s even what an alpha girl is supposed to do. Sometimes I think being a teenage girl makes it impossible to really understand the rest of us. I can’t even understand myself most of the time.
“Amanda, you can take your phone call upstairs if it’s really important. You didn’t need to snap at Pru like she did something wrong. We’re here to hang out with each other, not talk to our boyfriends. I’m pretty sure Jake can live without you for a few hours.”
“Seriously, Cris, like you have a boyfriend to call. Don’t be jealous.” Somehow she makes covering her cell phone look like an insult. No one says anything or defends me, not even Pru. I probably should have kept my mouth shut. “For your information Jake is really beside himself and he needs someone to talk to. ” I start to feel a little bad about being angry. “He lost his brand-new cell phone and now he has to pay for the replacement. I mean, it’s just not cool. It’s not even his fault he lost it.” I don’t feel bad anymore. As far as tragedies go I really don’t think a cell phone ranks the top of the list. I mean, he obviously has something to call and text Amanda on. How can she not realize that?
“So, how are everyone’s college plans going?” Once Mars gets around to realizing a situation is awkward she has to do whatever it takes to get things back to normal.
“Oh, yeah, um, I think I’m gonna try to get into a conservatory. I’ve been practicing until my fingers bleed. Which is hard because of how thick the calluses are.” Pru laughs and looks uncomfortable.
“That’s cool. You’re lucky to know what you want to do forever.”
“Seriously, guys, shut the fuck up!” Amanda didn’t bother covering her phone this time.
The rest of us sit around staring at each other. Even Liz is uncharacteristically quiet. I always thought Liz would be the one to stand up to Amanda. The two of them have such stand out personalities it seems like they’d be at odds. Yet they aren’t. They get along fine. Liz doesn’t even look like she wants to say anything. Amanda just keeps talking on her phone, not loud enough for us to hear but loud enough so we know it’d be unwelcome to start a conversation. The pizza comes and I bring it downstairs. I think we all have some but I don’t remember eating any of it.
“Yeah, well, I’m going to go meet Jake. There’s obviously not much going on here. Have you even turned on the T.V. ? Some movie night.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s getting late,” Pru mumbles, absentmindedly playing with the latches on her guitar case.
Everyone makes some excuse to leave. I can’t blame them. I want to leave too. Only nine o’clock. I guess I could convince myself I have to get up early for work and that everything worked out for the best, but I don’t want to. I wish no one would leave, just let Amanda leave on her ow
n and make her wonder what she’s missing for a change. Why couldn’t that be the way things worked? She decides to walk out and everyone follows. Leaving me just as alone as before.
To: William Davis
Message: Hey Will. Hope you’re having a better time wherever you are than I am here. Are you alone where you are? I bet not. You probably always feel good and happy in heaven. That’s what makes dying not so bad, or, I guess, what they say makes it not so bad. I guess I have to believe in God and heaven and that whole mess. It’d be a lot easier to accept if the fortune cookies were talking. At least that’s a sign the universe is listening (whoever controls it). Can you do anything to fix it? I guess if you could, that would mean there is some kind of spirit and be an answer all on its own. Funny how philosophical death can make you.
I don’t even really need a sign. I just hate feeling so alone. Having someone to talk to who talks back is something I’ve really taken for granted. This has to get easier. It can’t stay this impossibly hard for long. Growing up, figuring out the future, grieving for you, moving on without you to hold my hand. There’s a way to do all this, there has to be. Even if I have to do it all alone. It doesn’t stay like this forever. Please, tell me it doesn’t stay like this forever. It can’t stay like this forever… I love you and miss you. Still.
“The change of seasons is a good time for changing other things.”
It is starting to get colder outside, getting closer and closer to Christmas break. I haven’t had any more movie nights in my basement, but I’m also busy at work and school and everyone else is starting to freak out about graduation and getting ready for college. Say what you will about high schools, they really want us to be really prepared for college. All the homework makes it hard to socialize. I guess they think it will keep us from meeting dangerous boys and having sex or whatever crazy things they think highschool seniors will do if not kept properly busy. I’d thought about having sex with Will. I thought he’d expect me to because he was reckless with everything else in his life, but he never brought it up. He never laughed and said I was just scared, he didn’t say I was immature, he didn’t try to pressure me. In fact, the one time I tried to talk about it with him, he looked at me very seriously and said he wasn’t ready for that either, he had enough issues to work out on his own before he could even think about making that kind of a commitment to someone else. I always wondered why people were so hard on him. That seemed like a pretty mature attitude to me.
Chasing William Page 4
