But she wasn’t the kind of person to hold a grudge.
‘If it wasn’t for my grandfather, who came to live with us when he learned of the situation, there’d have been nights when I wouldn’t have eaten and days when I wouldn’t have made it to school.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘Why not?’
‘Because my parents were too busy racing off to save some dog from one vile situation or another.’
He stiffened. His nostrils flared, though he tried to stop them.
She must have seen the condemnation in his eyes—condemnation aimed squarely at her parents—because she shrugged and added, ‘To be fair, they knew my grandfather would pick up the slack.’
It didn’t change the fact that her parents hadn’t fulfilled their duty of care towards her. He recalled seeing a photograph of them at Neen’s. They’d looked so normal and mild. He’d long ago learned, however, that appearances could be deceptive.
Her lips twisted. ‘What made things interesting for a while was my utter fear of dogs. But they still forced me to help clean the cages and exercise them.’
He scraped a hand down his face. He’d seen firsthand what that kind of fear could do to a kid. Neen’s resilience filled him with a new respect for her. And admiration.
She smoothed her hair back behind her ears. ‘Lots and lots of people had it far worse than I ever did. You must hear their stories every day.’
Those stories, however, never became easier to hear, and every day they made him sick to the stomach. Sick with helplessness and guilt. Guilt that he couldn’t do more. Guilt that he’d been one of the lucky ones when he’d done nothing to deserve it. And fear—a constant nagging fear followed him everywhere. Fear that other kids would make the same mistakes he had and pay the price for it. A price that was too high.
‘I wasn’t beaten or starved or left without a roof over my head.’
But she had been neglected. He could see now why she’d fallen for a control freak like Chris.
‘My parents made it clear that those dogs had nobody else to rely on for their survival but them, nobody else to rescue them from appalling situations.’
‘That’s not true. There’s the RSPCA, and any number of other animal welfare agencies.’
She nodded. ‘It doesn’t change the fact that they’ve done a lot of good.’
Yet it was Neen who’d been forced to make the sacrifices.
‘To be perfectly honest, a different kid might have thrived in those conditions. There were kids at school who envied me. I was always encouraged to bring those kids home to “help out”. The shelter was always short of volunteers.’
He winced. ‘That was just downright selfish of them.’
‘Ah, but selfish for a good cause.’
Was that how she saw him? He lifted his head. Was he like that?
She shrugged. ‘I always understood that if I wanted to go on to further study I would have to pay for it myself, which was fair enough. It was their money, and what they chose to do with it was their affair.’
He couldn’t be quite so blasé about it.
‘But, Rico, they went a step too far when they decided to contest my grandfather’s will.’
His jaw dropped. He had no hope of keeping the shock from his face. He leaned towards her. ‘It’s your parents who are contesting the will?’
The lift of her chin and the set of her lips did nothing to hide the pain in the deep blue of her eyes. ‘I’ve offered them a percentage of the will, but they’ve refused. They believe they’re entitled to the entire amount.’
He couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Other than swear words, that was, but he knew her opinion of those.
‘They obviously believe their dream is more important than mine, but this time I’m fighting back. Because... Because Grandad did so much—not just for me but for them too—and this shows me they didn’t value it at all—’ She broke off and gripped her hands together. ‘They didn’t even attend his funeral. They were too busy off somewhere saving some mutt or other. He deserved better!’ She stared down at her hands. Eventually she lifted her gaze. ‘His final wishes mean nothing to them.’
Whereas they meant the world to his granddaughter.
‘They trampled all over him in life, taking him for granted. I’m not going to let them do that to him in death.’
I have the right to choose my battles.
‘So...’ She smoothed her hair back again. ‘Has my nasty little story made a difference to how you mean to deal with Travis and Joey?’
Yes! A thousand times, yes. He wasn’t going to turn a blind eye to the situation. Not a chance of that. He’d do whatever he could to actively help.
But...
He lifted his chin. ‘You think I’m like your parents?’
‘In some regards.’ She stared back at him. ‘But they like what they do. In fact, they love it. They wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. You don’t love your job. For some reason, though, you’re just as driven as they are. Like them, you define yourself by what you do. You’re more than just your job, Rico, but you refuse to see it.’
‘You think I hurt people for the greater good?’ He could see she didn’t want to answer that. ‘Neen?’
‘Well, don’t you?’
He opened his mouth. Closed it again. His stomach churned so badly it took all of his strength to stop it from rebelling completely.
‘Toeing the line is very important to you,’ she said.
Because it protected everyone. It was the safe way of getting things done. He’d started to see, though, that it might not always be the kindest way. ‘If I don’t follow rules, Neen, my funding gets cut.’ And if his funding got cut that meant fewer boys could get off the streets and keep safe.
‘It’s why you don’t get personally involved, isn’t it? It’s the reason you don’t befriend the boys. Because if you did maybe you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from bending the rules once in a blue moon when the situation called for it.’
Her words struck at the core of him. ‘Neen, I—’
‘Do you know you speak to the boys the same way your mother speaks to you?’
He stiffened. ‘I do not!’
She stared at him for a long moment. ‘I take it that’s not how you mean to come across?’
Heck, no! He raked a hand through his hair. Did he really come across as that angry and bitter?
‘I understand you being passionate about your work, but...’
He wanted to sleep for a hundred years. He pressed a thumb and forefinger to his eyes. ‘But?’
‘Doing your job kindly, with a smile and with friendliness...that wouldn’t detract from what you’re doing, would it?’
How could he tell her that if he relaxed, let his guard down for a moment and remembered what it was like to feel alive and have fun, he was afraid he’d turn his back on this job and never return?
And how could he do that to Louis?
He’d thought that as time went on this job would get easier, but it only became harder—demanded more and more from him.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to come across so churlish and bad-tempered. Not to anyone.’
She didn’t say anything, and finally he lifted his head to meet her gaze. Her eyes had softened. A man could drown in that particular shade of blue.
‘I kinda guessed that.’
He would need to find another reserve of energy for smiles and pleasantries, for being friendly and remembering who supported which football team and whatnot...for patience.
‘The sixty-four-thousand-dollar question, though, is why you do.’
For a moment he was tempted to spread the whole sorry tale on the table for her—he ached to do just that—but he already knew the outcome. Neen would absolve him, and that was
n’t an outcome he deserved.
‘Because I’m a jerk?’
She glanced away, and he knew she’d recognised his evasion for what it was.
‘You know, sometimes I think you’re my friend.’ She glanced back and folded her arms. ‘Every now and again I think I glimpse more in you than the driven do-gooder too busy to chat to someone who’s feeling down. I made the mistake of thinking you saw me as more than just a means to an end. I made the mistake of thinking you saw me as a friend too.’
That was when he realised how much he’d hurt her on a personal level. He remembered that kiss and—
Bile burned his stomach. Acid burned his throat. ‘There are things you don’t know about me.’
‘Like what?’ she challenged. ‘Go on—why not share?’ she drawled, in a voice that told him she didn’t expect him to. ‘Hey, my life’s practically an open book to you now. There’s nothing else to know.’
Nonsense! There was the shape of her body beneath his hands and—
He clenched his jaw and wrenched his gaze away. Maybe it would be better if she did know the truth. Once she did she’d never have unrealistic expectations about him again. That would make for a better relationship in the long run.
He glanced back and his attention snagged on the shape of her mouth. He dragged it back to the matter in hand. A working relationship was all he was interested in. If she tried to offer him comfort and absolution, he wouldn’t accept it. He knew what he was due, and the debts were still outstanding.
‘When I was a teenager...’ The words scraped out of his throat. ‘I became involved in drugs. There was absolutely no excuse for it. I came from a good home, but...’
She blinked and her eyes became the colour of the sky at twilight. ‘Oh, Rico.’
The words were nothing more than a breath, but he had to steel himself against them. ‘When I was seventeen I bought drugs from a dealer I’d never met before—bought them with money stolen from my mother’s purse.’
She winced, but whether from the picture he’d painted or his harsh tone he couldn’t tell.
‘The heroin was too pure and my best friend overdosed on it. He died and it was my fault.’
* * *
Raw pain stretched through his words, darkening his face and twisting it, and it all fell into place—the reason why he drove himself so hard.
She wanted to wrap her arms around him and offer him the same comfort she had Joey and Travis a week ago, only she knew he’d refuse it.
She could see from the self-loathing deep in his eyes that he didn’t believe he’d been punished enough. Not yet. Probably never.
She fought the urge to drop her head to the desk and weep for him. ‘How long ago was that, Rico? Nine or ten years? Don’t you think you’ve repaid your debt to society?’
He reared back and his pallor made her stomach lurch.
‘Repaid my debt?’ He shoved his chair back. ‘Louis died. He died! Nothing I do—nothing—will ever bring him back.’
She swallowed and nodded. ‘You’re right. So don’t you think it’s time you stopped trying to?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m to blame for his death. Me!’ His eyes glittered. ‘And, no, I can’t bring him back. But I can make sure he didn’t die in vain. I can do everything I can to prevent teenagers from making the same mistakes we did.’
Her mouth dried. ‘It could’ve just as easily been you who died that night, Rico.’
‘A fact that still gives my mother nightmares.’
She had to close her eyes, just for a moment. ‘I think you’re wrong. I think it’s time you forgave yourself.’ She opened her eyes wide to glare at him. ‘Would Louis hold you responsible like this? Would you want him blaming himself like this if your situations were reversed?’
He stared back, his eyes cold, hard, dark. But it was all aimed inwards, not at her.
‘You weren’t there. You didn’t see him die that ugly death. You didn’t see the expression in his parents’ eyes when they looked at me.’
She sucked in a breath and then leaped to her feet. ‘You were younger than Travis is now! If something like that happened to him you’d pull out all the stops to help him, to get him the support he needed, the counselling.’
He said nothing. Just stared back at her with hooded eyes.
‘I can’t imagine you’d encourage him to immolate himself on a pyre of self-sacrifice.’
‘I had chances Travis never had.’
‘That doesn’t mean there weren’t reasons for why you went off the rails like you did. Your family had such high expectations of you. That kind of pressure is hard to cope with. Not to mention unfair.’
‘Oh, poor me,’ he mocked.
She ignored that. ‘And you lost your father when you were fifteen! You’d have been grieving and angry.’ Who could’ve blamed him for that? ‘I’ve met your mother, your brothers, Rico.’ The picture grew clearer in her mind. ‘They probably threw themselves into work in an effort to deal with their grief and refused to let you join them. Not because they were trying to exclude you, but because as far as they were concerned you were meant for better things. I bet you felt excluded.’
She swung away to pace the length of the office.
‘They were trying to live their dreams through you—which was patently unfair, I might add—and they gave you no chance for an outlet.’ She swung back. ‘No wonder you went off the rails.’
‘There’s no excuse for what I did.’
He’d made a mistake and he was paying such a high price for it. She brushed away a tear, knowing he wouldn’t want to see it.
‘What there’s no excuse for, Rico, is you not grabbing your second chance with both hands and living the life you should be living. You seem to think you have no right to happiness or enjoyment—even for half an hour. You seem to think the only way you can do good is in this job of yours. Imagine how much more good you could do if you were doing a job you loved?’
‘I am doing good right where I am. I am making a difference.’
But in the process he was hurting himself, and although he couldn’t have explained it to her, that somehow cancelled out some of the good he did.
‘But—’
‘I don’t want to hear it, Neen.’ He lifted his chin. ‘But now you know.’
She stared at him. She ached to bring back the man who’d worked side by side with her during that rush hour at the café. The man who’d come alive. The man who’d glowed with zest and passion.
But Rico was intent on burying that man.
Whether he was aware of it or not, though, the cracks were starting to show. His horror when she’d pointed out to him how he spoke to the boys being a case in point. Rico might be intent on keeping his heart under house arrest, but she was suddenly determined to keep chipping away at those walls. Rico deserved so much more than this life he’d chained himself to.
‘Rico—’
He held up a hand and pressed a button on his intercom. ‘Lisle, could you order a prepaid cab to take Ms Cuthbert back to the café, please?’ He began assembling files on his desk. ‘The cab should be here any moment.’ He didn’t look up.
Without a word, Neen rose and left his office.
* * *
‘I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with W.’
The doorbell rang and Neen gave up a silent prayer of thanks. It was Monday and Joey was not long home from school. She’d discovered that while he was quiet at the café, he more than made up for it at home.
Still, she didn’t let that make her careless. She glanced through the peephole.
She took a step back, her heart thumping like a mad thing. She smoothed down her shirt, tucked her hair behind her ears and then peeped again. Shaking herself, she opened the door.
‘Rico—he
llo.’ He’d been a virtual stranger since their conversation in his office last week.
‘Neen.’ He nodded his greeting. ‘I hope you don’t mind that I’ve dropped around like this. I’m not trying to hijack your weekend or anything.’
She almost smiled at that. ‘Not at all. Come on in.’
He didn’t move. ‘I just wanted to give you this.’ He pulled an envelope from his jacket pocket and held it out to her.
She didn’t look at it. She looked at him. ‘Rico.’ She folded her arms. ‘You’re here now. The least you can do is come in for a cuppa.’ She knew the way he skipped meals and whatnot. He was probably in dire need of some sustenance.
He hesitated.
‘I’d really welcome some adult company.’ It wasn’t a plea—not precisely.
His lips twitched.
‘Who is it, Neen?’ Joey glanced around her and immediately went quiet.
‘It’s Rico. He’s coming in for a cup of tea. Would you like to put the tea leaves in the pot like I showed you?’
His face lit up and he raced off to find the teapot.
Rico wavered for a moment. ‘Maybe just a quick cuppa.’ He finally stepped over the threshold, closing the door behind him.
He stood close to her, and she could feel both the cool of the spring day on his clothes and the heat from his body. It was strangely intoxicating.
‘Is he frightened of me?’ he asked in a low voice.
She snapped back. ‘You intimidate him,’ she murmured.
‘I don’t want to intimidate people.’
No, he wanted to help them. In fact, Rico wanted to save the world. ‘Then I suggest you try smiling at him without the weight of the world in your eyes...and maybe talk about cricket.’
Neen didn’t live too far from the Bellerive cricket oval—Tasmania’s and one of Australia’s prime cricket grounds. This fact delighted Joey to bits as he was planning on becoming the next Australian cricket captain.
‘Cricket?’ Rico smiled suddenly. ‘I used to be pretty good at schoolboy cricket.’
She wondered when he’d last taken the time to watch a game.
The Redemption of Rico D'Angelo Page 13
