by Zee Irwin
Lily’s tears started again. “Have you always been like this? How did I not see the monster you are?”
“You were a conquest to be had. A trophy from my past I could never win. When Jace stepped onto the scene, it only made the competition more attractive. I couldn’t let him win. You were mine first.”
She shook her head, as if straining to understand. “What would have happened if I’d said yes tonight?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “We’d have fooled around in Paris, then moved around Europe. But I’d have gotten bored with you. I’d have had a mistress or two. You might have left me down the road, but at least I would have had the satisfaction of winning you in the first place.”
“This was all a game to you? A big, ugly game?”
He smirked, then laughed. An evil, taunting laugh. Good thing they handcuffed him because he couldn’t retaliate when she reached across the table and slapped him. He still sort of laughed, and she slapped him again. He looked at her, this time with a red face and bewildered eyes. She reached his side and started punching and hitting him until Travis entered the room and tore her away.
I enjoyed seeing this side of her. Travis should have let her beat the crap out of him. It was a good thing I was behind the glass because I would have joined her.
What a fucking scumbag. And now he wanted to talk to me? Well, this should be interesting. He might be lucky to still be alive when I was through with him. I’d need three of Travis’s holding me back.
Before I entered the room, I asked one of my buddies on patrol to take Lily back to the shop and wait with her there until I returned. I took a few minutes to calm down and get my head right before entering the interrogation room.
I didn’t say a word, simply leaned against the wall across from Frank, waiting for him to open his yap and say something I didn’t agree with. In fact, my mind begged him so that I could get off at least one decent punch to his face before Travis tore me out of there.
At this point, he kept his eyes and head down. He slumped over and wouldn’t look at me. A complete contrast to the bold idiot who appeared before Lily.
When he spoke, his voice wasn’t the loud, confident one, but a voice destroyed. “Take care of our girl, man. She loves you, that’s obvious. It was something I never had with her. You won. Don’t let her go. And if I ever hear you mistreat her, I’ll hunt you down after I get out of prison.”
I was speechless. That wasn’t what I expected. I figured he’d taunt me more about my scars, whatever, but not this. He was duplicitous, pathetic, and not worth a second more of my time.
I left the room with one intention: to do whatever it would take to save my relationship with Lily.
19
Loved With a D.
Lily
Within seconds of the officer dropping me off, I entered the bookstore, locked the doors behind me, and didn’t bother with the lights. I collapsed to the floor in a crying heap. My knees tucked tightly into my chest. I heaved horrible, loud sobs reverberating through the empty store.
“How could either of them do this to me?”
In the dark of my shop, the cats conspired all around me as if knowing my soul needed soothing. George and Molly and BooBoo, each vying for space on top of me.
“What a mess. All I wanted was someone to love, to have my own romantic story I could lose myself in.”
That struck me. Wasn’t that exactly what happened? I could see events of the past few months play before me as one long string of romanticized moments. But were those moments real or more like a story that I created with blinders on?
Frank played me. I trusted him, and he shattered it. How could I have been so stupid?
And Jace? Did he really love me? I couldn’t trust myself, now, to know if his intentions were true.
Sammie belly crawled next to me, lifting my arms with his nose and winning out over the others in the battle for prime space. He lodged his hind paws on my legs, and his front paws on my chest, and looked up at me and purred. BooBoo settled next to him, purring too. How had this big fur ball become a part of our family so easily, like Jace had? Both melded into my life like they were meant to be there.
“It had all been so easy, going so well. But now, I don’t know.”
I heard Simon roll up. “Don’t know what, sis? You okay? What are you doing on the floor?”
I laid on my back, and the tears came even faster, my chest heaving, and the cats once again trying to figure out how to get closer and on top of me. Simon wheeled to the nearest tissue box on one of the tea tables and back.
After wiping away most of the tears and blowing my nose, I could see him clearly. He looked tired, and not the kind of tired from a hard night of partying. More like sick, sending off alarm bells.
“Forget me. What about you? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Past times of Simon’s medical needs had taught me to question everything, even if he could care mostly for himself. I’d never stop asking and looking after him.
He picked at the books on the nearest display, then pulled one off. It didn’t matter which book it was because he flipped through it mindlessly, then put it back. After an enormous sigh, he said, “I’m nervous about some shit going down in my life. The U.S. Paralympic Sled Hockey team is having tryouts in New Jersey next week. They’ve invited me to go.”
“Really? But what would it mean if you made the team?” I sniffled and cut myself off from asking more questions when his eyes flashed to mine. They were quick to show anger, and rightfully so. Wasn’t I always the one questioning everything he did because he didn’t seem to have a cautious bone in his body? “Sorry. Let me try again. That’s great news. Tell me more.”
“If I make the team, then I’ll move to Colorado Springs, where the training facility is. They have a team of doctors and people to take care of us. Of course, I’ll keep trying to live as independently as I can. It’ll be a whole new adventure, new friends to make, and I’ll get to do a sport I love. I really want this, sis. And, since my girlfriend can’t get time off work, will you drive me up to Jersey next week for tryouts? I’ve already talked to Bev and Tina about watching the shop while we’re gone.”
I bolted straight up. “What do you mean, girlfriend?”
“Remember Nina?”
My mind raced, figuring out if I did.
“The older blonde? Well, we’re dating. So there you go. I’m off the market, which is what you wanted, wasn’t it? For me to slow down and get serious about my life? Look at me, here I am, chasing my life passion for hockey and with a girlfriend. Oh yeah, by the way—she might be pregnant.”
That bomb caused my face to scrunch up. He saw and continued before I could respond. “Lils, I never expected to find anyone special to spend my life with, let alone have kids. I’m a paraplegic. It takes someone willing to be involved with me and my crap, to have the patience to deal with my basic needs daily. Not to mention having to deal with the emotions of being with someone like me. I’m sure you know what that’s like.”
My face screwed up more and I shook my head at him. “I don’t understand.”
“I mean Jace. Something happens to those of us in the male part of the species when we get injured or burnt or lose use of our limbs. We become half of what we were. Sure, we can hide it well with an overabundant surge of confidence and cocky attitude, but really, behind the scenes we’re a frigging mess.”
“I’d never thought of it that way. I honestly never thought of Jace as less of a man than anyone. If he compared himself to others, or to Frank, that was on him. I never did.”
“Yeah right, come on sis. You never once had a thought like that? You’d only be human if you did.”
“Maybe when we first met, briefly, but I saw through to him on the inside. I saw into his heart, and I crawled into it, stayed in its warmth, and I kind of liked it there.” My tears rolled again. “But then he had to ruin it with all this jealousy crap about Frank.”
“Did I ruin it?” Jace’s voice reached o
ut.
My head snapped up and my heart stopped beating when I realized Jace must have entered the building and shop from the rear. “Jace, I—”
“This is my cue to leave. Sounds like you two need to talk.” Simon gave me a reassuring half smile, then rolled away, and it wasn’t until we heard him shut the door to his apartment that I realized Jace’s eyes burned into me.
I turned away and petted the cats, letting the softness of their fur and their rounds of purring lull me into a state of nothingness. My relationship with Jace was questionable. My brother going off half-cocked head first into unfamiliar territory. An old friend turned out to be a monster—all of it was too much to internalize and figure out at the same time. I wanted to shut down, pull the plug, escape for a while.
Jace sat on the floor a few feet away from me. BooBoo crawled into his lap. And Sammie crawled back into mine. I’d never seen BooBoo do that with anyone before.
“We have a good thing going here, Lily. Tell me what I need to do to fix things with you.”
“I honestly don’t know. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out this mess. It’s not just you or us, but I had an old friend say and do some horrible things to me tonight. Frank shattered everything I thought I knew about him. It’s made me question everything I thought I knew, even about us.”
“I watched from behind the glass. I heard it all. But it didn’t surprise me because we dug into his background. Lily, the guy was in trouble, and that had nothing to do with you. You were simply his innocent old friend, caught up in all his nasty shit. As soon as we got proof of his crimes, I saw my chance to arrest him and put him behind bars so he wouldn’t hurt you.”
“Oh really? You had to arrest him in front of me to prove the big detective you are. That doesn’t have jealousy written all over it. You wanted me to see you put him down like that.”
“What the fuck? I had a job to do, so yeah, I arrested him in front of you because I had him. It was a good thing too, because he was planning to flee the country the next day.” He took in a ragged breath. “Okay, fine, maybe I’ve been a little jealous of Frank. You had history with him and I’ll never look like him—”
“Never once did I say anything about wanting you to look like him or anyone else. There you go again, thinking I’m that shallow.”
“Shit, I don’t really think that, okay? But I know what I am, Lily. I’m scarred and you see it. I don’t know why you deny it.”
“Yes, maybe at first when we met, but now all I see is you, the real you, behind this exterior mask. For a while, you let me in, Jace, and it was good. I recognized your soul because it’s the same as mine. Beautiful. Tormented. We all hide behind some sort of facade, afraid to be seen, but I thought you and I had worked through that. The way you acted tonight, coming up to the table? It was a whole new side of you I hadn’t seen.”
“I was protecting you from him. And it was a good thing I arrested him when I did. What if you’d have said yes to his proposal and jetted off to Paris? I couldn’t lose you, Flower.”
Sammie left me and jumped over to Jace. He perched himself right up beside him, giving him a steely gaze, and growled.
“But see, that’s just it. You didn’t trust me to say no.” I shook my head and huffed. “And your jealousy? What happens the next time I’m friendly to another man or even talk to another man in passing? Are you going to freak out, or trust that I’m loyal to you and only you? It’s actually laughable that you’d think I would have said yes to Frank’s proposal. I loved you.”
“Loved? Why the past tense?” His voice matched the level of hurt in his eyes, and I focused instead on BooBoo, who jumped to me and gave me a hard stare.
“Everything has moved so fast between us. We’ve been practically living together since day one. It was all so romantic until tonight. I felt like someone held a spotlight above us and helped me see all the flaws and cracks. Maybe I was simply in love with the idea of love and not really in love?” I sucked in a quick breath because I couldn’t believe what had come out of my mouth. What was I saying? Hell, what was I feeling? Tears formed in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. “I’m so confused.”
Jace crawled over quickly, kneeling in front of me. His hands cupped my face, catching my tears. “No, no, no. Lily, don’t think like that. Yeah, things are confusing as fuck. We’ll work it out. We just need time.” He caught me up in his arms and held me tight to him, but I wasn’t in the mood to get lulled into his comfort. “I love you and I know you love me. This is love between us.”
I pushed away. “Time, yes. You’re right. In fact, I’m taking next week off. Simon needs me to drive him to New Jersey.” I stood up and turned away from the pain entering Jace’s face. “Maybe this will give us both a break to think about things.”
He stood up, too. Between us, the cats had suddenly gone crazy, meowing, and growling and twirling themselves between our legs. I didn’t dare move for fear of tripping over them. What had gotten into them?
He ran a hand through his thick hair and his voice shook, sending a dagger through my heart. “Fuck, Lily. Don’t tell me this is a breakup. Fine, you need time. Get away for a week to figure things out. So be it. When you come back, we’ll talk because I’m not going anywhere. I know my heart, and it’s yours.” He took three giant steps toward me and the cats scampered out of his way. He backed me up until I ran into the checkout counter behind me. His arms caged me in.
His face within inches of mine, and his eyes lusting and hurting for me, had my breath coming out in jagged bursts between sobs. “I told you before, once something’s mine, I don’t let it go.”
His lips took mine, possessed them, claimed them, burned them. The heat between us was undeniable, a thirst that would never be quenched. I wanted him to claim me, and I didn’t want him to let go, but was that love? Had I ever been in love before to know beyond any doubt that this was real? I thought I knew real love, real friendship, but tonight proved it all to be illusions.
His kisses continued, his tongue relentless, filling me with him and all his desires all at once. And then he let go. He backed up slowly, still burning me with his eyes, even though I spotted a tear ready to run down his cheek. The sight of him aching for me tore my heart wide open.
When he walked away to the back of the shop, BooBoo ran after him, hissing and meowing, grabbing onto his leg with her claws. “Dammit, BooBoo. Stop.” I heard him shout and shut the door behind him. Each of his heavy footsteps thudding on the stairs resonated in my ears. Each step added a crack into my heart until it split and ached beyond any pain I’d ever felt before.
I hung onto the counter behind me and tried to regulate my breathing through horrible tears. Jace shook me to my core. But was this love? It was the question that had me more confused than ever before.
The traffic through New York slowed us down, which gave us more time to talk. After Simon and I made our way through our curated lists of music favorites, we finally got down to chatting.
“So, you and Nina seem hot and heavy.” When I brought the car around in front of my shop that morning, I considered timing how long their goodbye kiss lasted. She sat on his lap and they went at it while I waited. I didn’t mind. Seeing Simon with someone on the regular might be nice, but I worried if it’d last. And if there was a child . . .
“Yeah. She’s pretty amazing. I’m seeing why guys settle down. Getting sex regularly is a nice advantage.”
“Jeez, little brother, you never stop giving me reasons to worry. Surely, there’s more to being exclusive to Nina than just sex? Like starting a family?” I fished for information because he hadn’t come to me with further news. Not that I was available much after the fight Jace and I had.
I had taken a few days off from the shop before our trip, most of it in my room with Maddie, Cassidy, Emily, and Bella, all taking shifts to check on me. The entire range of emotions spent through me, from deep despair with vodka to more ugly crying with ice cream.
What I felt now was r
elief. Something about getting away from Boston to clear my head did wonders as the skyline disappeared in my rear view mirror. For the week ahead, Jace would be the last thing I’d think about. I had Simon’s practices to attend, a Jersey beach to visit, and a stack of books from my To Be Read pile to catch up on. Hopefully, somewhere in there, I’d decide what to do about Jace.
Simon did a drumroll on the dashboard of the car. “No baby for us, yet. She got her period. Yeah, sis, I’m sure you’re relieved.” He responded to the look I shot him. “But I don’t know. I kind of got used to the idea. Nina and I have talked and we’re both on the same page. We’re going to try this exclusive thing, although I warned her I might suck at it.”
“But if you make the team and move to Colorado, where does that leave your relationship?”
“One step at a time, sis. I’m still trying to reconcile myself to sex with one person only. Although she is hot and does things to me that—”
“Please, I don’t need to know the details of your sex life. But I am happy for you.” I was quiet for a minute, thinking about our past. “Do you ever worry we might turn out like Mom and Dad?”
“Dead? We all die sometime.” That wasn’t funny, and I rolled my eyes because he’d always be Simon, rough around the edges. “I know where you’re going with this. The amount of arguing they did? Dad’s abuse to mom? That’s not me, and I decided long ago that I wouldn’t have a relationship like theirs, not if I could help it. Nina’s a therapist, so she’s helping me work through some of my issues.”
“You have issues?” I reached over and punched his arm.
“Ha. Ha. Yes. You’ve always known how guilty I felt, thinking I was the reason our parents were dead. I’ve been using my guilt to fuel my partying.”
