“What? Holy Odin! That half lanced jester got a legendary knightly order? And I got to be the old bag from Hansel and Gretel?”
“I suppose, but his order is evil. They’ve been persecuting witches and magical beings for centuries. And I’ve found out that they are targeting me and my friends now.”
Dalia struck a defiant pose. “Well, then you found the right woman to help you out. I love a good fight. Bring those bastards on!”
I looked over Dalia’s shoulder. “By the way, what happened to the neighborhood watch people?”
“Dee-lish-ee-ous! Mmm…just kidding. I threw them nasty skanks through a portal back into whatever shacks they crawled out of. They’ll have some pretty terrifying nightmares for the rest of their lives, otherwise they’re unharmed. Say, you’re pretty brave. You took the Elfa’s house, too?” Dalia pointed in the direction of my newly acquired rock pile.
“What?”
“That pile of rocks. It’s the Elfa house. I’d recognize it anywhere. The Elfa is the supreme leader of the elves. You have some real chutzpa to pull that son of a bitch into this fight.”
“Hmm.” I thought about my Sleighing the Elfa story, but I wasn’t about to tell Dalia about it, yet. “I haven’t met him yet. Or any elves. Tell me, what are they like?”
“Evil. Fun to party with, but they are usually up to no good. That’s another thing. How they got to be considered to be good, and cute and all, I don’t understand. They are anything but those things. Pth..elves. You shouldn’t have too much to worry about, Leigh. Just as long as you don’t take sides in one of their fights, that is. As a matter of fact, I’ve heard they are in the middle of one big tussle right now. The Elfa has been challenged and he’s fighting to keep his position. They act like a pack of wild dogs. But if you can keep them together, they’ll be good to have on your side.” Dalia explained.
“Would you like to come inside, Dalia? You’re more than welcome to.”
“Well, I have a few things to do. Are you expecting the Elfa anytime soon? They are almost always back in their lairs by nightfall. I’d like to look…presentable…you know, for him. You don’t have dibs on him do you?”
“No. No, I don’t have plans with him. I honestly don’t know when to expect any elves,” I answered.
“Good, because I’m getting a little tired of having to rock the little man in the canoe all by my lonesome. Get what I’m saying, Leigh? I’ve heard the Elfa knows how to please the beaver with his oral talents. Not like those men that go at it like they’re a damn thirsty dog lapping up a bowl of water. No, no. I’m talking the mind blowing orgasm kind of talent. Later ‘gator, I’ve got to prepare,” Dalia said and disappeared back into her gingerbread house.
Chapter Twenty Four
The EPA
“Leigh? Are those things the decorations you won?” Hunter asked after getting home. Actually, I believe he asked it in a more of a disappointed sigh.
“Yeah. It didn’t work out right. Apparently, that is what a real gingerbread house and a real elf house look like. Go figure. And the gingerbread house comes with an old witch. I think it’s best to leave her alone. We’ll get these out of here soon. I’ll ask Marie for some advice.”
“An old witch? You mean like Esmeralda or Marie?” Hunter asked.
“Not quite. This witch is more like the one that added Hansel and Gretel on the menu. I’m talking old school style witch. She says she can transform into a sexy storybook princess or damsel in distress. She’s a naughty little thing, and I think she uses that power to seduce her lovers. She shared some pretty graphic euphemisms for sex as well.”
Hunter cocked his head as he listened to my description of Dalia, and then just shrugged his shoulders. “Uh huh. Sounds like she’ll fit right in with Esmeralda and Kelly. So tell me one of her little lines that I may not know. I’m pretty sure that by now I’ve heard them all from your friends.”
“How about shampooing the wookie?”
Hunter’s face contorted with a disgusted look. “Holy hell! It sounds like too much fur. And messy. I’m going to throw up now and get changed.”
Hunter headed upstairs just as there was a knock on the door. “I’ll get it!” I called out. I opened the door and saw two large men in suits, the kind that only federal agents would wear. In other words, they were black with white shirts and black ties.
“Leigh Epstein?” One of them asked as they flashed badges at me. “We’re from the EPA and have some questions.” He had an accent that was possibly German but I couldn’t tell for certain.
“The EPA? Wait…I know that. EPA, E…P…A.” I slowly spelled out the letters to jog my memory. It was some federal agency I heard about on the news pretty frequently. Then it came to me. I realized that it had to be the Environmental Protection Agency. “Oh shit! Is this about the chemical that was put in the attic to get rid of the bats?” I whispered. “I have no idea what was used.”
“Bats? Ma’am, we’re not here about any bats,” he replied.
“Oh damn! I am so sorry. I know what it is. Sometimes I get confused about the recycling. It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be, you know. I try to follow the little numbers and symbols listed on the packaging, but when you have to sort it out twenty different ways, things are bound to get mixed up. And I confess, sometimes I end up giving in to laziness and just throwing it all in the trash. If you let me off with a warning, I promise to follow the recycling rules to the tee. By the way, what are your names?” I thought if I could get on a more personal first name basis they might just give me the warning I suggested.
“Sturm und Drang,” the second EPA agent said in a Germanic accent.
“Ha ha! You guys are so funny. Sturm und Drang! The late 18th century proto-Romance German literary and music movement. See? A liberal arts degree pays off once in a while. Sturm und Drang, so funny.” It wasn’t funny at all, it was just plain stupid, but I wanted to play along and just get a warning.
“No. I’m Sturm und dis is Drang,” said the second man with the stronger accent. “We are EPA, Elf Protection Agency.” Hunter came back down the stairs and joined me at the door. He quietly listened to the conversation.
“What? Elf Protection Agency? Excuse my French, but you have got to be fucking kidding me!” I barked.
Sturm seemed taken aback by my expletive phrase, and it worried me that I had ticked him off. “What? That doesn’t sound French. Drang, do you know this French saying? Fucking kidding me?”
“No. No sounds more like Korean maybe?” Drang answered.
Then I realized that these were the guys that followed us in Daley Plaza. “Hey! You guys were following us. Why?”
“The Elfa is under attack. Our people are currently involved in what we call an internal dispute for control. He needs somewhere safe. Our magicians tell us that you have had some influence on the elves through your magical desk. We wanted to know what side of the dispute you were on—if you were for, or against, the Elfa. Now we see you have proven yourself loyal to the Elfa by bringing his bunker to this place of safety.”
I cringed inside. Sleighing the Elfa told a story about the internal struggle for control of the elves. It was eerily similar to the troubles the EPA were concerned with. I hadn’t finished my story, but I was working the plot so that it would result in the assassination of the Alpha Elf, the Elfa. I knew that if they ever read what I had been working on, I would suddenly become elf enemy number one.
“So, now what?” Hunter finally interjected. “You plan to stand guard around this king elf in our front yard?”
“Yes. That is exactly what we will do until it is safe to go home,” Sturm answered.
“Of course, Hunter, what would the holidays be without Sturm und Drang?” I joked.
“Where is home? The North Pole? Elfheim? And are you both elves? Or just people working for the elves?” Hunter asked.
“That location is classified. And yes, we are elves,” said Sturm.
Drang interrupted Sturm, �
�We want to thank you once again and apologize for following you. You must understand that we have to be very cautious. You can be assured that we will not bother you. If any enemy should attempt to attack your home, we will protect you.”
“Okay, well, have fun Sturm and Drang. Let us know when the Elfa shows up. If you need anything, just ask.” I remembered that Dalia would certainly be visiting with the EPA agents. “I almost forgot! You have some company out there. In that gingerbread thing is a witch—”
Sturm cut me off, “Ah, yes. Dalia. We are quite…familiar with her, you could say.” He glanced at Drang and smiled.
Apparently Dalia had quite a friendly reputation among the elves. “Okay then! Behave your elves.” I chuckled at my little joke that was wasted on the dimwitted Sturm and Drang. “Bye now!” I closed the door and joined Hunter in the living room.
We decided that we should just leave them all alone for the time being. I liked having all of them around. If Sybil was right, I would need these supernatural beings as allies. The next couple of days went by without any incidents or visits by the neighborhood watch. Dalia seemed to stay inside her hut, and we scarcely saw the two EPA agents that guarded the Elfa home. Only once did I have any more contact with them. I did get a chance to sneak a peek into the Elfa lair. Before Sturm and Drang shooed me away, I saw that it led to a magical plane. A giant crystal lined cavern that glowed with every color of the rainbow. There were piles of gold, silver, and gems. It wasn’t just a pile of rocks with a cramped space inside after all. It was a portal, similar to what I walked through when I met Cosmos and Sybil. These structures were simply portable doorways to their respective supernatural planes. Then I knew why Dalia was never around. I wondered what sort of world would be found inside her gingerbread hut, but I had to admit, I was more afraid than curious.
Chapter Twenty Five
‘Twas the Night Before Disaster
We decided our house would be ground zero for Christmas Eve, and we had invited our families and friends over for a night of partying. Other than our tree and the outside lights, our house was lacking. I wanted more. No, I needed more. I wanted people to walk in and think Christmas threw up in our house. I wasn’t too sure how to go about doing it, though. After all, I didn’t grow up in a home that celebrated Christmas, and Hunter would be working until late afternoon. It was time to make the dreaded last minute shopping trip.
Thank God for last minute deals at the Dollar Store. I waltzed right in and went up to a tall but scrawny young store clerk. His bangs hung halfway over his eyes and his clothes looked five sizes too big. I asked him for help. “Excuse me, I’d like to decorate the inside of my house and make it look more like a Lifetime movie set. I want people to think that my house was decorated by Santa Claus himself. Can you help me?”
“Sure.” He pointed to an aisle overflowing with everything Christmas. “Just buy whatever catches your eye and put it in your house. Pretty easy.” His eyes were taking a stroll over my body from head to toe and every place in between. “You know what? My room is decorated pretty nice. I could show you my Christmas tree. If you know what I mean. Or I could go home with you and let you unwrap my package—”
“Stuff it, kid. What would your mother say if she heard you hitting on women like that?” I could tell pretty easily that he was a seventeen year old smartass in training. What he really needed was a little shaming. “If you ever want to impress the girls, start by dropping the pathetic pickup lines, get a better haircut, not to mention some clothes that fit.” I spotted boxes full of ribbons, bows, and garland and made a beeline towards them. Before long I was carrying home enough Christmas stuff to decorate my entire neighborhood.
“Come on, Luna, we’ve got work to do.”
“Meow.” She curled up on my desk and closed her eyes.
“Thanks for nothing.” I went to work hanging up a nice new wreath. Curiously the wreath had a ribbon across the front that said Mother. I knew just what to do. I used red felt ribbon to tie it to one of the frottage sculptures. Those things needed to be covered in ribbons and bows. I didn’t want every photograph of our evening to be photobombed by two entwined colorful penises. My mom could take her personalized wreath home with her after the party.
The next step was to cover the bannister in bushy silver and gold garland along with red bows. I had so much left over. I strung garland along the walls, over the fireplace, and around each of the windows. I tied bows to lamps, table legs, and any other place they could feasibly be attached to. I had four packages of garland in silver, red, green, and white left to work with, so I decided to just string all of it alongside the gold and silver strings. Then it was time for candles, plastic snowmen, Santa figures, and angels.
When I was finished, I stood back and admired my handiwork. Christmas had indeed thrown up. No, Christmas had actually projectile vomited an entire Dollar store Christmas aisle into my house.
It was early evening when Hunter finally came home from work. “Wow, look at this place. You must have been busy today,” Hunter called out as he came through the front door.
I walked over and wrapped my arms around him, a smile plastered to my face. “I hope you like it!”
“It looks great, baby, but uhhh...why is there a funeral wreath for your mother hanging on the rubbing noodle statue? Freud would have a field day with that one!”
“Funeral wreath? I thought wreaths were considered Christmas decorations, but never mind that.”
I led Hunter over to the tree. “Baby, I was planning on giving you your gift on Christmas morning, but I can’t wait for you to see it. And I really want you to open your present before everyone shows up.” I knelt down under the tree and pointed out the gifts that I had awkwardly wrapped. I don’t know why they always show these perfect boxes on Christmas cards and store displays. They certainly don’t show a small pile of power tools, individually wrapped by a frustrated Christmas novice.
“Hunter, guess what it is?” I held up a cordless drill that was tightly wrapped. Hunter knelt down beside me and took the gift. It was pretty hard to disguise a cordless drill, but he played along, guessing a dozen wrong choices. We repeated this little game with a sander, a circular saw, a jigsaw, and a toolbox.
Once we had gone through all of the gifts for him, he handed me an envelope, my last Hanukkah gift of the year. I ripped it open. “What’s this? A travel brochure?” I turned it around in my hand. “It’s for Hawaii!”
“Seven nights, all inclusive in Maui. The only catch is that I didn’t pay for the airfare. We’ll have to count on your broom for that. And it’s all set around your spring break dates.” Hunter took me in his arms, kissing me thoroughly. “And it’s for our honeymoon.” He paused just to watch the various expressions of shock that my face went through when he said it was for our honeymoon. “I think Valentine’s Day would be a great time for a wedding. Don’t you? I realize the honeymoon will be almost a month after the wedding but who cares! This wedding—ours can be all you want it to be, all you’ve ever dreamed it to be in fact. I had a little talk with Marie Laveau. She has some serious connections. How would you like a full blown fairy tale, magical wedding? On Valentine’s Day? Hell, you can even arrive in a gold carriage pulled by a dozen unicorns…at least that’s Gertie’s plan.”
“Honeymoon? Wedding? Gertie’s plan? Marie Laveau? You have this all worked out?” Then for the first time in my life I fainted. I woke up as Hunter carried me to the couch. “You went through my box, didn’t you?”
“Of course. You wanted that dream wedding and I knew it. You just didn’t want the stress, but with friends like ours, it isn’t a problem.”
I heard the door opening and closing behind me, but I was too busy looking into Hunter’s blue eyes to care about anything else. “Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to treat my box like the treasure it has always been to me. I never really showed my box to anyone else. Well, Kelly got a chance to go through it once or twice. But it’s not like she could do what you d
id. You even took the time to not overlook anything. You didn’t just poke around in there and shove it aside when you were done. It means so much to me.”
The noise in the background was now a mixture of hearty laughter and several shocked voices saying, “Oh my God!” Randy’s snark laden voice was loud enough for everyone to hear. “You let Kelly play around with your little box! I knew the two of you had something going on.” I gasped when I turned around and saw our families and all of our friends. Then it hit me. I realized all of the smartasses were laughing at what they thought I meant by “my box.”
“And that was tonight’s entertainment. Goodnight,” I joked.
We settled in to a comfortable evening in the garland and ribbon bedecked museum of erotica that also serves as our living room. My parents joined me in lighting the eighth mitzvah candle of Hanukkah and my father even said the blessing. Hunter lit a Christmas candle with his parents. If that moment would be the only moment to remember of our evening, it would have been enough. It was everything I truly wanted to feel with our families together, ever since I started with my Thankshanukkamas season. I felt a little sad when I noticed Marie Laveau wasn’t there to see it all.
Then we heard bells—jingle bells. I could just be a smartass and say “away to the window I flew like a flash.” In any case, Hunter and I both rushed to the window. In the glow of the streetlight we saw a dark green limousine pull up to the curb.
“Too bad our nieces and nephews aren’t here to see Santa,” Hunter commented.
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