An Alien Affair

by L. Ron Hubbard

  Good Gods! This girl was a minor!

  Her father was the leading physician of the province. He would kill me if I touched her!

  I tried to reconcile myself with the thought that SHE was doing all the touching.

  Then I had a vision of her father's shotgun! He was the best quail hunter in all of Turkey. A dead shot!

  The idea of me flying hectically into the sky, the boom of a shotgun and me flapping earthward, blurred my vision.

  It was too late.

  I caught a glimpse of the top of her nurse's cap for a moment. The red crescent was like a blade pointing at me.

  "Ooooh!" she crooned. "Lovely, lovely!"

  The nurse's cap eased down.

  Then the bed began to rock.

  The top of the nurse's cap was in my view, then the light fixture, alternately.

  I felt my eyes begin to spin in spirals.

  The Hoochi-Hoochi Boys and Their Electric Cura Irizvas started a song on the radio. She took their rhythm.

  Little bo peep went, do-da, do-da.

  Little bo peep went do-da all the day.

  Little bo peep, oh do-da, do-da, do-da.

  To hell with the sheep,

  Let's do-da all the day.

  Let's do-da all the day.

  Let's do-da all the day.

  Let's do-da all the day.

  Her nurse's cap and the light fixture were shifting in rhythm to the music.

  I was engulfed in a GLORIOUS SENSATION!

  Only now and then were strains of the music coming through.

  Let's do-da all the day.

  It went on and on and on! Both Nurse Bildirjin and the music!

  Let's do-da all the day.

  Minutes and minutes.

  Then bbbbbbbbblowOWIEH!

  Earthquakes and hurricanes mixed up with all the celestial chaos of the Gods didn't compare to what occurred!

  WOW!

  Finally the room quieted down to just a blurred spin.

  I lay back panting.

  A sort of wonder came over me. Where had this been all my life?

  Somebody else was panting. Then the bed shook.

  I saw the top of Nurse Bildirjin's cap. She must be standing now beside the bed.

  She was muttering to herself. "Prahd says it's awfully good for the complexion. Judging from the amount, I'm going to have the finest complexion in Turkey!"

  Suddenly I saw her feet upside down through the slit. She must be sitting on the floor!

  "Mustn't waste it even so," she said. "Conservation is my motto."

  I couldn't see what she was doing. I heard her crossing the room to the washbasin.

  I heard water splashing. Then a silence.

  Suddenly the sheet was yanked off my face. She was standing fully dressed beside me.

  "Anyway," she said to me with a professional smile, "you will be glad to know that the equipment passes the clinical test. Of course, you lack expertise in the use of your tools. Prahd, I must say, is a much better craftsman."

  She nodded toward my lower body which I couldn't see. Then she looked at me. She wagged an admonishing finger at me. "You are, of course, just a little boy with a new toy. So don't break it right away."

  She began to undo the buckles on the straps that held me down. "You don't have a very good reputation, Sultan Bey. I had to keep you strapped so that you wouldn't rape me the minute I let you loose. I'm sure you understand. It was just a precautionary measure. Now, if I undo this last buckle, will you promise not to leap on me and rape me?"

  This insanity served to bring some order into the chaos of my thoughts. The realization hit me fully. I had just (bleeped) Prahd's girl!

  "Don't tell Prahd!" I pleaded with her.

  "Well," she said, "that depends."

  Blackmail! I knew it! My Apparatus trained nose could smell it even above her perfume and the reek of sex. "On what?" I begged.

  "Two things," she said. "Don't interrupt a girl again halfway through. And don't, don't, don't you run into my Fiat ever, ever, ever again!"

  I did not like the look in her eye. "I promise."

  "Well, I don't," she said.

  She threw off the last buckle and then tossed the disposable bathrobe and slippers at me. "Put these on and walk around in the hall until your clothes come. I've got to mop all these spatters off the floor before somebody sees them and finds out."

  Practical girl. I hastily exited.

  Chapter 8

  I found I had been occupying a room in the main hospital building. The rooms and wards had been all cleared out as soon as the vast supplies could be stored in the warehouses. It provoked me to see so many Turks in the beds. They sure were cluttering up the place with nonpaying guests! The real income was down in the secret basement.

  I wandered toward the main lobby. It was clinic hours. The area was crowded with old people, women and children waiting their turn at the free treatments. Sheer waste of time. Riffraff! Well, anyway, I had made it possible for them. They ought to be grateful. I sauntered through the seated mob. They saw who it was and hastily pulled their children to them and flinched back.

  To Hells with them. I turned to go back into the hall. One of the town doctors that served part time here at vast salary was talking to an old woman, probably telling her she needed expensive specialist treatment in his town office.

  It was Nurse Bildirjin's father!

  I flinched.

  I hastily dived through a door so he wouldn't catch sight of me. I peeked through the crack. He was still there.

  I turned. I was in a private room. There was somebody in a contraption that covered his whole chest like a metal bra. The patient was all bandaged up, only the eyes were showing.

  Why did he have his hands up in an attitude of defense? Somebody who knew me?

  I peered closer.

  RAHT!

  What in the name of Modon Demons was Raht doing here? Oh, I was furious!

  "Why, (bleep) you!" I screamed at him. "More vacations! I can't depend on you for a single instant! Do you realize that your (bleeped) fixation on loafing will have me totally blind? You're supposed to be in New York! You're the only one that can turn that 831 Relayer on! And unless it's on, I won't be able to see a (bleeping) thing that condemned Royal officer is doing! You were supposed to watch him! You don't care for a split second that he has Grand Council authority to order all our arrests! Now, (bleep) you, Raht. Get out of that (bleeped) bed this very minute and get to New York and climb the Empire State Building and get that 831 Relayer back on!"

  Oh, I was furious! My voice must have risen pretty loud. Somebody was coming in. I whirled on him.

  It was Prahd. "Softly, softly," he said. "The people out there shouldn't be overhearing Voltarian."

  I swept it aside. "What is HE doing here?" I demanded.

  "The New York office sent him in because he was dying of pneumonia. He only had half a lung left. I've had to cure the infection and rebuild both lungs. Also, they didn't set his jaws properly and he couldn't eat. I've had to rebuild the mandibles. He also had old breaks and wounds and scars. And in addition to that, his feet were frozen. He's doing quite well now but he is certainly in no shape to leave yet!"

  "I'm the judge of that!" I raved at him. "Get him out of that contraption and on his way to New York!"

  "It would kill him," said Prahd.

  "To Hells with that!" I screamed. "You could get yourself charged right along with him as an accomplice in loafing!"

  Raht had been waving his hands. Prahd got out a notebook and a pen and gave them to him. With some difficulty, Raht began to write. When he finished, Prahd handed me the sheet.

  It was pretty scrawly. It said:

  You ordered me via the office to get the 831 Relayer turned on and then report in. That's what I did. That's how I got the frozen feet. Is it true that the tall, blond young man with the blue eyes is a real Royal officer? Of the Voltar Fleet? With Grand Council orders?

  That was the last straw.
They were just trying to make me wrong. "Of course he is! And he could have us all executed! Me, you, Prahd, anybody! So you better watch it, you impertinent (bleepard)!" I threw the wadded note back at him.

  "Then it's all right if Raht stays and finishes his treatment?" said Prahd.

  "You're all alike," I said. "I ought to blow this place up!" I stalked out.

  Chapter 9

  Mad as I was, I had not lost my sense of caution. I cunningly avoided being shot by Nurse Bildirjin's father by putting my bathrobe over my head and using side corridors on my way back to my room.

  The staff must be readying the place for some other patient, although my bag of wallets and papers was still beside the bed. A four-wheeled handcart sat in the middle of the room stacked high with cardboard boxes. Then I entered further. Beyond the cart, the taxi driver was sitting in a chair.

  He spoke. "Mudlick didn't do a very careful job of decorating this place. They left white paint splattered all over the floor. Look at that. A trail of it from the bed to the wash basin."

  I thought I had better distract him quick! "I've been waiting for you for hours! I can't leave here without clothes."

  "Oho, clothes, is it?" he said. "Well, you just look what I've got for you!" He reached way up and got the top box on the handcart. He threw it on the bed and opened it. I flinched. I thought a wild animal was jumping out!

  "A real Turkmen genuine bearskin coat, full length! Feel that fur! Expert tanning, hardly any smell at all!" He grabbed another box. "A karakul fur hat: straight from Lake Kara Kul, Tadzhik, S.S.R. Look how glossy the lamb pelt is. Smuggled through by the very best people." He put it on my head. "Boy, does that give you an air! Classier than a commissar!" He grabbed another box. "Now look at these elegant, roll-top snow boots! Isn't that a beautiful blue? And see? These patent leather oxfords fit inside just right—three whole pairs of them, brown and blue and black. Just your size. Everything is just your size."

  Ignoring anything I was trying to say, he made another leap to the top of the cart. Boxes came cascading down. He ripped another one open. "Now look at this waterproof, silk ski suit. How do you like that horizon blue, eh? Top of the line. Latest fashion from Switzerland! Look at this hood! Feel the inside of it, man. Mink! Isn't that wonderful?"

  He was grabbing more boxes. "Now for the practical things. Look at this specially cut, tan English tweed jacket. Look at it glow! Look at that style! And here's the flared-side, steeplechase jodhpur breeches that go with it. How's that for a match? Look at that dark brown against the jacket. And here are the jodhpur boots. Look at the leather. Isn't that beautiful? Name brand. Top of the line. Just your size."

  He was ripping open more boxes. "Now, here's the German Tyrolean outfit. Hey, how do you like that pompom on the green Tyrol hat, eh? Isn't it great? And the jacket and shorts and walking boots, all the finest leather. And get those suspenders. Look at that design on them: hand woven! Says so right there."

  I was trying to stop him. He plowed right on. More and more boxes. "Now here's the more formal wear. Silk shirts and silk neck scarves. And get this Italian pinstripe gray suit—it goes with the white Homburg. Boy, is that ever classy! Now here's a dozen silk knitted turtleneck sweaters—"

  "WAIT!" I managed to stop him only by leaping bodily between him and the still heavily loaded handcart. "Where did all these come from?"

  "Why, the Giysi Modern Western Clothing Our Specialty Shop for Men and Gentlemen in town, of course. Days ago they were tipped off you were coming home and they got the whole lot in for you by express order from Istanbul. They know your size. Have no worries. Every bit of this will fit."

  "My Gods!" I cried. "The message I had relayed to you was to go to the villa and get me some clothes."

  "No, it was to get you some clothes. But I did go to your villa and they said they were much too busy to bother. It's awfully cold out and you've just been in the hospital and all. I know what a classy gent you are, so I just nipped over to town and got these clothes."

  "They look awfully expensive!" I protested.

  "Oh, no money needed. You'd just be amazed how great your credit is. I got them on your Start Blanching and Dunner's Club credit cards!"

  I felt as if I were going to faint. Credit cards! Oh, my Gods, credit cards!

  Inspiration to the rescue. "You don't have their numbers!"

  "Oh, everybody in town knows the numbers of all your credit cards. And in Istanbul, too! No trouble!"

  Inspiration beyond the call of inspiration was called for. I not only didn't have any money, I also owed the credit-card companies for the whole last month of our fatal trip!

  I had it! "I won't sign the invoices!"

  "Oh, no problem. You forget I was a convicted forger on the planet Modon, Officer Gris. I knew how weak you'd be, just getting out of the hospital and all. I signed the lot for you to save you all that trouble!"

  "You set this up just to get a 10 percent kickback from the store," I grated.

  "Oh, Heavens no, Officer Gris. How you wrong me! It's awfully cold weather. Now that you're home, I can't afford to have you get sick. Now, why don't you step over there and have a nice shower while I lay out some silk underwear and some alpaca wool mountaineering socks and the nice tan camel's-hair lounging suit. And this dark brown silk shirt with this white Christian Dior cravat and these cordovan tooled cowboy boots. Don't take too hot a shower. It's awfully cold outside. And then you can put on this bearskin coat and karakul cap and I can take you home."

  What could I say? At least there was one person in the universe who cared about me, for whatever reason. I might as well be shot in a genuine Turkmen bearskin coat as in a Zanco disposable bathrobe. Another fifteen thousand wouldn't make any difference when added to the maybe half a million I still owed on credit cards. I brightened. This wouldn't be due for another month after they had shot me for failing to pay my already existing debt.

  It struck me as I soaped that I didn't know the taxi driver's right name. Above the shower spatter, I yelled, "You know, nobody ever told me your name."

  "Ahmed," he yelled back.

  "No, no," I shouted. "I know your Turkish name. I mean your right name."

  "Oh," he said. "Deplor."

  Deplor? That, in Modon, meant "Fate."

  Later I was to have cause to remember that. Just now I was too engrossed in trying to soap myself in spite of these newly acquired appendages. I certainly hoped those virgin pants would take care of it. It sure was big!

  PART THIRTY-FIVE

  Chapter 1

  Despite the taxi driver's solicitude, I felt fine. I walked across the villa lawn with a spring in my step and the customary scowl on my face in case any staff was watching.

  I felt it was beneath me to order the carrying in of the boxes of new clothes and left that to the taxi driver. He, in turn, marshalled up Karagoz and several of the men and they got a fire bucket sort of line going and very soon my bedroom looked more like a store than living quarters. At least I was going to go to my financial death in the height of fashion.

  The taxi driver paused by me in the patio as he left. "Those will do you for the cold weather," he said. "And you be sure to keep warm. But, come spring, they will be too warm so I'll have Giysi Modern Western Clothing Our Specialty Shop for Men and Gentlemen working on your spring wardrobe."

  Come spring, I had a feeling, I would be long cold in the graveyard they reserve for people shot by the delinquent accounts sections of the credit card companies. But let him dream. According to his own lights, he was taking care of me.

  "Wear those wool scarfs around your throat," he said. "And don't get your feet wet." And he was gone.

  The sound of the closing of the patio door signalled the opening of Utanc's. I had been standing there wondering how to get in my bedroom. I heard a gasp. I turned.

  Utanc. She looked at the karakul cap. She looked at the bearskin coat. Then she peered at my face, part of which must have been showing between the folds of fur collar.

/>   "Oh!" she said in what must have been relief. "It's only you!"

  "I'm just back from the hospital," I said.

  "Oh. Is that where you've been? What are you doing coming around here and scaring people to death? I thought you were a commissar or somebody important at first."

  Something in her attitude nettled me. "Utanc," I said. "You and I have to have a talk about credit cards."

  "Hah!" she said. "There you go flying into one of your rages about the least little thing!"

  She was beautiful, standing there in a Saks Fifth Avenue white satin housecoat trimmed with pearls. I did love her. But also she had placed both my right and left feet over the edge in the Delinquency Creditor Graveyard. "Utanc," I said, "could you possibly send back or sell some of the jewelry you bought? I am in deep financial distress."

  I don't know what I expected. A slammed door, probably. But she stood there staring at me. She then put her finger in her mouth and thought about it.

  I said, "Utanc, I love you dearly. But if you could just see fit to let me cancel your credit cards and return some of the more valuable purchases, I might be able to weather this somehow."

  "O Master," she said, "I am so sorry to hear that I was bought by someone of limited means. However, I share the blame."

  My spirits lifted. She did care after all!

  She said, "I should have had you looked up in Dunn and Bradstreet before I stepped onto the auction block. I did not, so I am remiss."

  It was touching. Of course, as a wild desert girl, she lacked facilities to establish credit ratings.

  "I don't suppose," she continued, thoughtfully tapping her teeth, "that capitalistic law allows a pauperized slave girl to sell her master. No, it would be too decadent for that." She frowned prettily and began to weave a lock of her raven black hair. "Certainly, there must be something we can do."

  I had an inspiration. I suddenly realized that the basis of all her upset with me was unsatisfied sex. She had always wound up unhappy after a bout. Freud cannot be wrong. She was simply frustrated! But now! Now, after Prahd's great work...

  "Utanc," I said. "Why don't you come to my room tonight? I have a beautiful surprise for you!"