An Alien Affair

by L. Ron Hubbard

  Oh, I had not crushed Heller the way he should be crushed! He was still dangerous beyond belief. What women saw in him I could not even begin to imagine —they were just putty in his hands!

  He was just plain monopolizing all the women in the world! He was leaving none left over for anyone else!

  Oh, I realized right then I had to do more! But what could I do? I paced about. What could I possibly do?

  My buzzer rang. I impatiently picked up the base intercom instrument.

  Faht Bey. "I'm just calling to remind you that the space freighter Blixo is scheduled in tonight. Captain Bolz always wants to see you, though I can't understand why. So don't go running off and making yourself hard to find again." He hung up.

  Beautiful relief flooded through me. The Blixo! Of course! With brilliant forethought, I had already solved the very problem I was now faced with!

  With luck, the Countess Krak would be on that ship. She'd slaughter Heller for even glancing at another woman! She'd slow him down to a crawl as she had on Voltar!

  I laughed with delirious delight.

  I had it all solved!

  Smart brains. My Apparatus professors were oh so very right. I had smart brains!

  Chapter 6

  I began to work out exactly how I would meet these incoming people and how to persuade the Countess Krak to let herself be bugged as I had bugged Heller.

  It would be very tricky. To tell the honest truth, any contact at all with the Countess Krak compared, in risk value, to walking on the outside hull of a spaceship in flight! With no safety line!

  I laid my plans carefully and then, at last, satisfied they were foolproof, I began to get ready.

  In the first place, I must look, myself, impressive. This would give the necessary ring of authority to things I said.

  Hidden in my secret office, my General Service uniform had gotten pretty wrinkled. I got it washed by using a wash basin and dried it in front of the electric fire. Then I suddenly remembered that my rank locket had long since vanished. I didn't have my old Grade X locket and I couldn't afford to demote myself anyway.

  I walked about, thinking. I went into the patio and looked. It was afternoon and sure enough, Utanc's car was gone. I scratched at her door. No answer. Luck! The little boys had gone with her, as they often did these days.

  One picked set of locks later, I was in her room. It was much the same as before except that she now had two additional mahogany wardrobes. They were also locked but that was no obstacle. I opened some thin drawers in one. Just as I suspected. Jewelry. Gods knew she had been to Tiffany's often enough!

  The emerald locket I had once seen her wear was right there. It was not really a rank locket but it was the right stone and gaudy enough. It would have to do.

  I didn't want to stay long, it was too risky. I couldn't find the bug I had put under the rug, too small. I got out of there.

  So far so good.

  In my room, I buckled on a stungun and put a couple blasticks in my pocket. I put a Knife Section knife back of my neck. I hung the Antimanco control star on my chest. Thus readied, I went down the tunnel into the hangar. It just didn't do to go around these people unarmed.

  There didn't seem to be anyone about.

  I hadn't been in this place for some time. The two cannon ships were still there. The tug sat on its tail gathering dust. A few odds and ends of vessels and freight.

  There was a movement over in one corner. I peered closely. What a strange ship! A sort of a dome like a bell. And there was the Antimanco Captain Stabb in working clothes. He saw me. I went over.

  "So you come to see this little beauty," he said. "Greatest pirate vessel ever built!"

  It was the line-jumper Stabb had been assembling. And it certainly wasn't little! The Antimancos were on ladders testing the absorbo-coat with beams to detect any possible radar reflectance.

  "All done," said Stabb. "Been done for two weeks but they kept saying you were busy. When do we go out and pick up some banks?"

  I had a very dim idea of such a project. I could see the headlines now, as Madison would say: BANK FLIES STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR-AIR FORCE INVESTIGATING. But I said, "Soon, soon. There are big things in the wind." I wasn't here for such nonsense anyway.

  "Glad to hear it," said Stabb. "I was beginning to think, when you weren't in here watching progress, that maybe you'd lost your piracy perspective and gone over to the Royal officers."

  "We'll get him, too," I reassured him.

  I went over to the office area. I found what I was looking for. It was a cubicle near the main exit tunnel. I would not swarm aboard the Blixo. I would have them brought to me. That's what you do when you are in authority. I had the guards move some of their equipment around and got a desk and chair in the right place. In they would come. I would keep them standing. They would know who was in control. I even got the guards to promise to salute me that evening. They shrugged. I told them they could have special liberty the day after and they agreed.

  The stage was set. I went back to my room and called the taxi driver to be ready at the exit barracks and when.

  I phoned the hospital and, with guarded speech, found that Raht would be ready to travel tomorrow. I told Prahd to be available at 9:00 P.M. that night and set up to do an operation without anyone else attending. He couldn't argue back on that open line.

  Because it was routine mission expense, Faht Bey couldn't object. I got him on the secure base intercom and told him I had to have two separate air tickets to New York and the usual expense money.

  "I'll need an American passport," I said. "Female. Make the age about twenty. Get the photograph in the Costume Office as the female leaves. Have it all ready for tomorrow's plane. Any problem?"

  "No. I. G. Barben just sent us some blank forms for drug runners, but I have to send back the name and birth date so they can file it. So what's the name?"

  I was feeling a bit sarcastic. "Heavenly Joy Krackle," I said. "With a K. From Sleepy Hollow, New York."

  "You leaving?" he said, far too hopefully.

  "No. This is legitimate business," I snapped. "So don't goof up. Don't forget to put old immigration stamps on it. I'll leave the identostamped order with the photographer."

  "I can include another air ticket for you," he said. I hung up.

  I put on my uniform, hung the thing which would have to pass for a rank locket around my neck, laid out my bearskin coat and karakul hat to carry with me. I put some reference texts in my tunic pocket. I set out the complete audio-visio bug set, sealed it and put it out to take along.

  Actually, I was pretty nervous. Krak or any thought of Krak had that effect on me. The memory of her scarlet heels when she had stamped that yellow-man to pulp had always stayed pretty vivid. And realizing that I would not have faced that giant with blastguns in my hand for any amount of money did not make it any better. It ruined my supper.

  I vowed to myself that I would get her out of my area with no delay whatever and get her to work on slowing Heller down.

  I was awfully glad to hear the gongs going, down the tunnel. The Blixo was coming in. I grabbed up the coat and hat and headed for the prepared office.

  Chapter 7

  I sat, lordly, at the desk when the guards brought in the first one I had chosen to see: Odur.

  I was surprised. The little homo had apparently gotten the word from Too-Too. He had been on his good behavior. He wasn't even in chains.

  In the greenish office light, his pretty, powdered face looked rather strange. But he was very respectful. And properly frightened.

  "I have very few papers for you, Officer Gris," he said. "The office is quite a confusion. Bawtch is not there and two others seem to be gone. There is a new chief clerk but he doesn't know anything much."

  Ah! Too-Too had succeeded! My old enemy Bawtch was dead! And the forgers, too! What marvelous news!

  "So I just have these few blank forms for you to stamp in case they have an emergency."

  He had them right
with him, only a few pounds of paper. I took them. I got out my identoplate and stamped them then and there. It only took about twenty minutes instead of half an afternoon. How much lighter the work would be, now that Bawtch was in some unknown grave. I should have thought of that before!

  I pushed the stack back to him. "And now, Oh Dear," I said, using his nickname, "what other news do you have?"

  "Well," he said, "from what I can hear when they don't know I'm listening, Lombar Hisst is making just utterly marvelous progress addicting the Grand Council members. All the court physicians have been won over to the need of drugs. A lot of population on them, too. It is just a matter of time. There is just one little hook."

  I became alert.

  "You apparently have a man here on Blito-P3, some Fleet officer. On some mission. Apparently he has been sending reports through to Captain Tars Roke and the Grand Council has faith in both Roke and this officer. Lombar had the reports traced and they're in some kind of a monthly platen code so he knows that they can't be counterfeited."

  Ah, well. No one is likely to get very far ahead of Lombar.

  "Goodness, but Lombar hates this officer here! Absolutely goes into fits. So just before I got on the Blixo to come, I got pulled into Lombar's office. He's very frightening."

  Indeed, he was, with his yanking on lapels and his stinger.

  "And he said he'd found out you had a courier line to Voltar. I think he has spies on every ship. And he gave me a message."

  Ho, ho! A message from the Chief himself!

  "He said he was glad to help in sending the whore and Doctor Crobe like you requested. I think he'd do anything to mess up this officer here. Is she a whore, Officer Gris? She seems awfully nice. I talked with her on the voyage. She taught me to tie my tie properly, see?"

  "Get on with the message!" I told this rattlebrain.

  "Where was I? Oh, yes. And he said they were really counting on you. If this officer he hates so gets the planet on its ear, and especially if he upsets its control elite in any way, things could get very grim." He was trying to remember the rest of it, twisting his face and frowning.

  "Wait a minute," I said. "If you talked to that woman on the voyage, what did you tell her?"

  He went into instant shock. "Nothing. Nothing, Officer Gris. She sort of tried to pump me but I said I was just a messenger and knew nothing. Just carried some papers. And she didn't pay any attention after that. She was in her cabin nearly the whole voyage. I think she was studying a language because I could hear the machine going."

  "You sure?" I said.

  "Oh, goodness gracious, yes, Officer Gris. Lombar Hisst said he would murder me if I told anybody but you. But wait, that isn't all the message. Lombar said he was counting on you utterly to keep this officer slowed down. The opium and speed and heroin have to keep coming in. And no Rockecenter organization is to be disturbed in any way. Lombar is certain the supply line would collapse if I. G. Barben collapsed. But he said to tell you there was good news. There is a plan afoot—he didn't say what it was—but he was certain that some time in the future he would be able to give you a go-ahead and you could safely kill the man."

  I was certainly glad to hear that! Then I had a disturbing thought. Krak had talked with him. "Did she put a helmet on your head?"

  "The woman? No. Just before we took off from Voltar the whole ship was searched by Apparatus guards. They confiscated almost all our baggage. They took everything she had with her except one change of clothes and a language machine and tapes. So where would she get a helmet? Who is she?"

  "The girlfriend of the man you carried the message to kill," I said. I couldn't resist it.

  Oh Dear fainted dead away!

  I put the magic-mail postcards in his pocket, allowing his mother to live until the next courier run.

  I had the guards drag him and his papers out with orders to throw him in a detention cell until the Blixo left.

  At my signal they brought in Crobe. The good and learned doctor was a mess. Always dirty, he was not improved a bit from six weeks in a spaceship cabin.

  "Are you the (bleepard) that got me ordered here?" he said.

  "Well, you're out of Spiteos," I replied. "You're on a beautiful humanoid planet that knows absolutely nothing about cellology or putting tentacles on babies."

  "They confiscated everything I brought!" he said. "I haven't even got an electric knife!"

  "We have lots of electric knives and over five billion people who have never seen a man with two heads where his feet ought to be."

  That interested him, as I knew it would. Then a suspicion crossed my mind. "Were you given orders to study a language? And did you study it?"

  "Oh, yes. But languages are a waste of time. Who wants to talk to people when you can do interesting things to them?"

  "Tell me 'Good morning' in English."

  "Goot mordag."

  Oh, Gods. "Ask me how I am in English."

  "You iss a doggie name George," he said.

  (Bleep)! Stupid (bleepard). He had loafed the whole voyage! I couldn't trust him even out of this hangar!

  "Doctor Crobe," I said, "I am going to put you in a room and I am going to keep you there until you have mastered a planetary language."

  "What?"

  "Just that. And if you really want to get around and enjoy the scenery and begin fruitful work, you'll take the language machine they gave you and put that nose of yours right into it. And when you can talk to the natives, I will have interesting employment for you and not until."

  It failed to bring the overjoyed response I had expected. He just stood there and glared.

  There was a chance that he thought of Earth as just a barbaric and primitive place without a scrap of culture. And this is not true. They have the subjects of psychology and psychiatry and these are marvelous and wonderful things.

  I usually carried a couple of paperback texts for consultation when I came up against a knotty problem. I reached into the pocket of my tunic and brought them out. One was Psychology Rampant. The other was To the Depths with Psychiatry. These would certainly prove to him that there was benefit in learning English. I handed them over.

  "Read these," I said, "and you will see how worthwhile English is!"

  He took them. He leafed through them. He saw a drawing of a brain and his eyes lit up.

  I beckoned to the guard captain and told him to put Crobe in one of the better cells and not let him go until I gave the word.

  When the time came, I would let him out and turn him loose on Heller. After all, Heller had wanted a cellologist! I smiled.

  Success so far in handling things. One of the troops had even saluted once.

  I told the guard captain to bring the female over from the ship.

  Chapter 8

  Lulled by months of not seeing her, I had completely forgotten the impact of the presence of the Countess Krak. You knew she was there.

  She was wearing a spacer's greatcoat with the collar turned up. She was wearing spaceboots. Her blond-gold hair was in braids around her head like a crown.

  She looked at me with steady gray-blue eyes and said, "Is Jettero all right?"

  Hastily, I gathered my wits. This was going to be touch and go. "Oh, yes!" I got out.

  "Nothing has hurt him?" she said.

  Now I had my chance. I could win this only if I played it perfectly. I put my hand on my stomach. "No!" I said quickly. "Somehow I don't feel very well. It must be something I had for lunch."

  Aha! It worked! She smiled faintly. She thought her hypnotic implant of me was still in place, the (bleepch). She put down the small bag she was carrying.

  Now to get a clue about the forgeries. I pointed at her grip. "I see you're not carrying much baggage. I hear the ship was searched."

  She sighed. "Yes. Snelz put my trunk aboard and they took it. All that fuss about just a few training items. They must have missed them and they read me some long screed about it being unlawful to disclose you were an extraterrestria
l. They're very unreasonable people. I'm not in the military. But that isn't the problem. They took all the beautiful clothes Jettero gave me. I don't have anything nice to meet him in. I can't let him see me like this! But then, you'll help me get some, won't you, Soltan."

  "Of course," I said. My attention was on those Royal forgeries I had given her. "Anything else of value in that trunk?"

  "No."

  "I mean the Royal documents... you know...."

  "Oh, don't worry, Soltan. They're safe."

  Aha. She must have been wearing them on her body. I would get around to that during the operation. I said, "You haven't told anyone about them, have you?"

  "Oh, indeed no," she said reproachfully. "I gave you my word. I haven't even told Jettero about his Royal appointment or the promise to sign my pardon. You don't think I'd break my word, do you?"

  "Of course not," I said soothingly. I felt more in control of the situation now. "But, come. You are anxious to go where Jet is. We have to prepare you quickly. Come along."

  I grabbed the unmarked box of bugs, my hat and coat, and went to the door, beckoning.

  She picked up her small grip and followed me up the tunnel.

  We stopped at the Costume Department. The photographer was there, waiting. I handed him the identoplated order for passport, tickets and travel money and he handed them over.

  The Countess Krak had started going down the racks of clothes. The photographer got her attention and asked her to step over to a white wall.

  She didn't divine what he was up to right away as the camera he held probably didn't look like any camera she had ever seen before. When he held it up to his face, she suddenly understood.

  "Oh, no! Not a picture!" she cried. "I'm such a mess!"

  Too late. He already had it. He rushed away.

  I grabbed a dress off the rack. It was blue with big white flowers.

  "What's that?" she said in a kind of horror.

  "Native dress," I said. "You have to look like a native. Remember the Space Code they read you."