But she couldn’t stand the idea of going home. She didn’t want to be alone. Even though it was late, she mopped at her face and drove to Hailey’s house. The lights were still on downstairs, so she pulled in the driveway and shut her car off.
She hated being here. Hailey and Matt were probably snuggled on the couch, having some couple time and no guy wanted the hot-mess best friend showing up at all hours.
The outside light flashed and she looked up to see Hailey in the doorway, beckoning for her to come in. She got out and walked to the house, the tears already rising to the surface again.
“Hey, get in here.”
Matt was sitting on the couch, but he took one look at her and stood up. Tori wasn’t surprised. She had to look awful and he’d want no part of what was coming.
“I’m going to take Bear for a walk. He loves being out at night and we haven’t done it in a long time, so I’ll probably be a while.” He grabbed a coat that was hanging in the entryway to throw over his sweats. Then he shoved his feet in his shoes, grabbed the dog’s leash and kissed Hailey’s cheek. But he paused before he went out the door and looked at Tori. “There are two slices of Rosie’s double chocolate cake left over in the fridge. You can have mine.”
Tori’s eyes welled up with tears and her throat tightened. When the door closed behind him, all she could do was look at Hailey and wave a hand in the direction he’d gone.
“I know,” Hailey said. “Now you see how I could fall in love with a guy who needs his own shower in the garage. Now come on. Kitchen.”
Hailey didn’t break out the cake yet. Tori let herself be shoved into a kitchen chair and took several tissues out of the box Hailey set in front of her. A glass of water followed, and she drained half of it in one shot.
“What happened?”
“Max told me he loves me.” Then she buried her face in the tissues and cried some more.
Hailey didn’t push. She just waited until Tori was ready to talk again, about twelve tissues later. Tori told her everything, from the poorly timed I love you to her freaking out and leaving.
“He said we were just practicing being friends with benefits. And then, boom. He just said it.”
“Anybody who saw you together could see he was crazy about you. And, to be honest, it looked mutual.”
“I yelled at him and I could picture myself being my mother, yelling horrible things at him. He’s sensitive, Hailey. I can’t hurt him like that.”
“Oh, Tori.”
The way she said it, like a woman who knew her best friend was being crazy and couldn’t figure out how to tell her, brought on a fresh bout of tears.
“Oh my God, I haven’t cried in years,” Tori said when it passed, looking at the mountain of crumpled tissues in front of her.
“Well, you’re breaking his heart and your own heart and your parents are at the root of all it. Of course you’re going to cry.”
“I’m not having an emotional breakdown. It’s a breakup. I know women cry during a breakup, but this much? We were barely even a couple, so this is ridiculous.”
“Tori, you can’t shut men out of your life because of your parents. Even if a marriage does end in divorce, it’s painful, but most people don’t act like that. They’re destructive and you’re letting them destroy your life along with theirs.”
“Cake,” she whispered.
Hailey took the two slices out and put them on paper plates. “I don’t have any ice cream to go with them.”
“Ugh. No ice cream.”
The first bite of double chocolate didn’t exactly soothe her soul, but at least it was almost impossible to burst into tears with a mouthful of cake. The second bite started the soothing process.
“Tell me why you’re so worried about hurting Max.”
Tori waved her fork in a gesture of despair. “Because I love him.”
“This is progress.”
“Not really. Like I told him, there’s a fine line between love and hate and it’s too easy for that line to be blurred. Nobody has the power to hurt you more than the person who loves you the most.”
Hailey sighed. “I knew you were struggling with your parents’ divorce and doing the cynical thing, but I honestly thought when you met the right man, you’d realize that the shit they’ve done doesn’t define love and marriage.”
“Have you ever looked Matt in the eye and hurt him?”
“Yes, I have. When he came to me, wanting to make everything better, and I sent him away. It ripped my heart out.”
Tori used the edge of her fork to cut off another bite of cake. “Then you know how much love can hurt.”
“I also know I wasn’t cruel. And neither was he. And we got past it because we loved each other. I know love is amazing and wonderful and sometimes painful, but always worth it.”
“I’m afraid I’d be cruel.” Tori stared at the cake on her fork, trying to will away a fresh wave of tears.
“You’re not a cruel person. You’re just not. And, no, don’t tell me your mother isn’t either because, maybe you didn’t see it, but she’s been an unhappy person for a long time and that’s why she’s so miserable. You would never say the things your mother has said to anybody, never mind to Max.”
“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to take my side and make me feel better, so of course you’re going to say that.”
Hailey got up to refill their waters. “No, because I’m your best friend, I’m telling you the truth. You’re going to lose a great guy because you’re a hot mess.”
“I’d deny that if I wasn’t sobbing in your kitchen, eating your husband’s leftover cake because the man I love said he loves me.”
“Wow.” Hailey set the glass down. “When you put it like that, you’re even more screwed up than I thought.”
Tori made a sound that was almost a laugh, then drank some of the water. “I read the books you got for me. They made a lot of sense to me and they’ve really helped, but...I panicked. When he said he loved me, everything I’d read just flew out of my head. What am I going to do?”
“You’re going to go home and go to bed. I can drive you if you want, and Matt and I can drop off your car tomorrow. Or you can stay here.”
Tori finished off the last bite of cake and washed it down with more water. “I’m okay to drive now. I just didn’t know what to do and I needed to talk. Although I was hoping for something more helpful than ‘go home and go to bed.’”
Hailey shrugged. “Nobody can talk you out of this fear you have of ending up like your parents. We’ve tried. You have to trust yourself to have a relationship, or it’s not going to work.”
Tori shoved a couple of tissues in her pocket, just in case, and walked to the door. Hailey gave her a long, hard hug and then held her by the shoulders. “You need to let things settle and then think about what you really want.”
“I blew it, Hailey.”
“Not if he loves you. It doesn’t just disappear like that. He’s hurt, maybe even angry, but he’ll understand and he’ll still love you. But you have to let him.”
“I think you’re right about going home and going to bed.” She was so exhausted she could hardly think straight. Not that she wanted to. Not thinking would be preferable.
“Thank you.” She hugged Hailey again. “And thank Matt for me. It’s freezing out there. Hurry up and text him that it’s safe to come home.”
“Are you kidding? He and Bear live for this crap. Me? I’m going back to the couch. Call me tomorrow.”
Tori had to mop her eyes a couple of times, but this time she made it all the way home and into her bed before the tears came again.
* * *
Max went through the next few days on autopilot. He woke, worked, ate because it was a habit, and slept.
It didn’t dull the pain of losing Tori, but he didn’t think anything could. He just had to keep going through the motions until the routine became a comfort again and not a daily reminder that he’d almost had everything he wanted and blown it.
He’d run what had happened between them over and over in his mind until he’d almost driven himself mad. Every word. Every gesture. Every facial expression. Every moment of his last day with Tori was imprinted in his memory and he couldn’t shake it.
He also couldn’t figure out how to make it better.
Because he did nothing but work, he finished the Farmall tractor before he expected and sent an email to Josh that it was done. Josh responded that he’d swing by Thursday afternoon, and Max didn’t bother trying to nail him down to a specific time. It didn’t matter. He just told him to ring the doorbell instead of knocking, because it would chime in the basement.
When the doorbell sounded, a little after three, Max went upstairs and let Josh in. “Thanks for coming over. I would have delivered it, but I wasn’t sure who else knew about it and there was no way Rose was going to let me deliver a box without questioning me about the contents. And I think I’d crack pretty quickly.”
“I don’t mind stopping by. And we all crack eventually.”
Max led him down into the basement and went to the shelf where he’d set the Farmall. “I assume this is going to be on display, rather than played with, right?”
“It’ll probably be on a shelf, but there’s a good chance Sarah will get her hands on it at least once.”
“It’ll stand up to being run around the floor, but there’s a weak spot in the paint, so it’s best if it doesn’t go outside too often. I did my best to blend the new paint and the old, and I put a protective clear coat over the entire bottom, but I wanted to preserve this.”
Max took the tractor off the shelf and turned it upside down. When he pointed to the belly of the tractor, he watched Josh’s expression change from one of curiosity to something like awe. Crudely scratched in the old paint, probably with a small pocketknife, were the initials FK.
“My dad,” Josh said quietly. “Frank.”
“I was using a wire brush to clear some of the crud away and once the corner of the F started showing, I went to a brush with softer bristles so I wouldn’t damage the letters. By feathering out the edges of the old paint surrounding the initials, I was able to cover them with the new paint and then seal the whole thing, so it shouldn’t lift.”
He watched Josh run his thumb over his father’s initials and stopped talking. The guy didn’t care about the work process that had gone into it. He was thinking about a man he’d loved and lost.
After a minute, Josh blew out a breath and looked over the rest of the tractor. “This is amazing, Max. And not just the way you saved the initials. You do incredible work.”
“Thank you.”
“I bet it looked exactly like this when my dad played with it. It looks like a boy’s tractor, but not one that was forgotten in a barn for decades.”
“That’s my specialty.”
Josh pulled out his wallet. “How much do I owe you?”
“Fifty dollars.”
“That’s not enough, Max. I don’t know what you make doing this, since it’s not really my business, but all I have to do is look around and I know it’s more than fifty dollars. You’re an artist.”
“I’m charging you fifty dollars because this is a gift from you to your brother and that requires some investment on your part. But doing that tractor was special to me. You guys are my friends and being able to do this is also my gift to you.”
Josh pulled the money from his wallet and set it on the workbench, then tucked the wallet back in his pocket so he could shake Max’s hand. “I appreciate it.”
“I have a box for it here.” Max took the tractor, wrapped it in thin bubble wrap and set it into the foam insert he’d cut to fit it earlier. Then he put the lid on the box and handed it back to Josh.
He hadn’t been lying. Working on the Farmall had been a special experience for him. There was an underlying sense of history and nostalgia in model railroading—the capturing of a bygone day in HO scale—and quite often people modeled tableaus that meant something to them. The flag stop where the farmer’s son had brought the milk to the train. A section of the B&O where a boy had chased trains with his grandfather.
But the Farmall was different. He knew Josh and Mitch, and they’d lost their dad. He still had his and he couldn’t imagine losing him. So when he’d seen those initials crudely carved into the tractor’s belly, it had become a mission to preserve them. Seeing the look on Josh’s face had been worth it.
Once they were back upstairs, Josh didn’t immediately head toward the door. “Do you want to talk, Max?”
“About what?” He closed the basement door and reset the alarm.
“Anything?”
“The last time you suggested we talk, you were trying to win a bet with Katie. I don’t really have any more secrets.”
“People are worried about you.”
“Ah.” Max interlaced his fingers, rubbing his left palm with his right thumb. “I guess everybody knows that Tori and I had a falling-out.”
“It’s not something that’s being gossiped about over tea. But the people who care about you—about both of you—know. You haven’t been into town or the diner. You’re going back to being the mysterious recluse and we don’t want to see that happen.”
“I think it would be very hard for me to see Tori right now.”
“You want to have a beer?”
Max frowned. “At three-thirty on a Thursday afternoon?”
“Why the hell not?”
“Okay. Why the hell not?”
They went into the kitchen and Max grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge. Josh set his box on the island and popped the tab on the can Max handed him.
“Are you going to let her go?” Josh asked him.
“Since everybody’s finally figuring out I’m not really a serial killer, chaining her in my basement would be a bad move.” The attempt at humor didn’t make him feel any better.
“Have you talked to her since you...had a falling-out, as you put it?”
“No.” Max shifted the Farmall box, lining it up precisely parallel to the edge of the counter. “She was very upset and I don’t want to upset her again.”
“Maybe she freaked out and now she’s too proud or something to reach out to you.”
Hope flamed through Max. “Do you know if that’s the case?”
“No, I don’t. Husbands and boyfriends are only given the bare minimum of details. But I do know she was wrecked. You’re not the only one hurting.” Josh took a long swig of beer. “All I’m saying is don’t give up. Maybe don’t push too hard, but don’t give up.”
“I’m trying to understand the way she thinks, but I’m lost.”
“Buddy, we’ve all been there.”
* * *
Every time her phone rang for days, Tori’s heart would leap in anticipation of it being Max. It never was.
She should call him. She knew he hadn’t been in the diner since Sunday and she couldn’t bear the thought of him going back to staying in his basement all the time because of her. But she was so afraid she’d make things worse, she never actually brought herself to make the call.
This time when the phone rang, it was her mother. Again. As tempting as it was to ignore the call again, they were coming more frequently now. She picked up the phone. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, honey. I thought I was going to get your voice mail again. Do you ever check those?”
“I’ve been a little under the weather, Mom.” She winced, realizing she couldn’t use the flu excuse in case Jilly still planned to use it to save Thanksgiving. “I’m sorry.”
“Do you have any idea what’s going on with Jilly? She’s not returning my calls. You do all realize Thanksgiving is next week, right?”
“Yes, we do. And I don’t know about Aunt Jilly, Mom. I haven’t seen her lately. She’s probably busy and forgot to call you back. There’s been a lot going on with Gav—”
“I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a person to return a phone call.”
/> Tori sighed. If her mother didn’t care what was happening in her daughter’s life, it stood to reason she wasn’t going to care about her nephew’s, either. “If I see her, I’ll give her a nudge.”
“Thank you. It would be nice to have my sister’s support in these trying times. Your father has a new girlfriend. Did I tell you that? I should feel sorry for her. It won’t be long before she realizes what a sorry piece of—”
“Mom!” Tori felt something inside of her snap. “Do you realize that’s my dad you’re talking about?”
“Of course I know he’s your father.”
“He’s my dad. It hurts me when you say awful things about him, just like it hurts me when he says things about you. You’re my parents. Both of you. Still. You may have divorced each other, but you’re not divorced from me.”
“This isn’t about you, Victoria. This is about—”
“You know what, Mom? I’m sorry you’re unhappy. I’m sorry Dad’s unhappy. But I’m not letting either of you make me unhappy anymore.”
“Victoria Jean Burns!”
“When you call me, you can ask about me and you can tell me what’s going on with you, but if you mention Dad, I will hang up on you. And I’m going to tell him the same thing and I mean it. I’m sick of your anger and the petty comments and...all of this.”
“Of course I’m angry with your father. Do you know what he did? He—”
For the first time in her life, Tori hung up on a person. The fact it was her mother made her hands shake slightly, but she would do it again. And again and again until her parents got the message.
She was done giving their unhappiness power over her life.
Her parents were weak. It wasn’t strength that had held their marriage together for so long. It was fear of walking away and starting over. So they’d stewed in resentment for years, hiding it from everybody because neither of them had the guts to end their misery, until it boiled over in a steaming heap of anger and hate they flung at each other, not caring that it burned their daughter in the process.
It wasn’t love that turned her parents on each other. It was the lack of love and clinging to something that made them miserable and bitter because they were too afraid to go out and find what made them happy.
Falling for Max: Book Nine of The Kowalskis Page 22
