by Kant, Komal
There was a mixture of pain and anger on Matt’s face that I had never witnessed before. His features were twisting, like there was something inside of him waiting to burst.
“This is the position your selfishness has put me in. I’m made out to be the outsider because you can’t man up and tell her the truth,” Matt directed at Nick, his gaze dark. “When are you gonna grow up and take responsibility for your life?”
I noticed everyone stiffen, as though Matt held Pandora’s Box in his hands and was threatening to unleash what was inside.
“Ucky,” Madeline said out of nowhere, tugging on the sleeve of Matt’s faded red shirt to get his attention. “Ucky, you said we could play fairy princess castles today. Why do you have to go?”
A weird feeling spread over me as I watched the two of them together. It really was strange how often Matt came to the mansion. Granted, he was a friend of the family, but he seemed to come over to spend time with Madeline. I knew Madeline loved him, but it was a little confusing why he came here if he knew Nick wanted to avoid him.
The eye contact between the guys broke, and Matt glanced down at Madeline as he visibly struggled with his inner conflict. “I don’t have to go, Nessie. It’s fine, I’ll stay for you, okay?”
“Then can we draw pictures, Ucky?” Madeline asked, grinning up at him.
“Of course. That’s the best part,” Matt said, returning the smile.
And that’s when it hit me. Seeing them side by side like that, smiling at each other, was when it finally clicked. Matt’s words, Celia’s picture, Madeline, Nick’s behavior, the family’s secret—everything seemed to piece itself in my mind like a puzzle coming together.
I’d always thought Madeline reminded me of the Ruggarsons, but that’s not what it was. Her smile, her hair, her face—it all resembled Matt. It all resembled Celia.
Ucky.
Nessie.
Emily had lied to me when she’d said Madeline was mispronouncing ‘Yucky’. Matt had lied to me when he’d said he called Madeline ‘Nessie’ as a term of endearment because she was his little monster.
Ucky was uncle.
Nessie was niece.
And the blue eyes that I’d observed ran in the Ruggarson family only resembled one person exactly. I’d stared into those eyes numerous times. I’d been staring into those eyes minutes ago.
My body was fluctuating between heat, chills, and the sensation of wanting to throw up as I slowly turned to face Nick. When he caught my eye, his expression was serious, but that seriousness disappeared when he noticed the look on my face.
“Oh, my God,” I whispered, almost afraid of what the truth was.
“Sky, what?” he asked, but his face was already turning pale.
“You, she…” I trailed off, my voice shaking. “She’s yours.”
“Finally!” I heard Matt exclaim, but I didn’t take my eyes off Nick.
“Stay out of it.” His jaw tensed as he broke eye contact and turned back to everyone. “Mrs. Potts, take Madeline upstairs right now.”
There wasn’t a sound apart from Madeline’s cry of protest at Matt not joining her. As Mrs. Potts departed with a whining Madeline, no one said anything; no one moved. That’s when I knew I was right. Apart from Matt’s affirmation, the silence was all the proof I needed.
“I feel so stupid,” I said, wishing my voice would stop trembling. I stared around at Nick’s family. “This was the big secret? That Madeline is Nick’s daughter?”
“Sky, listen to me.” Nick reached out for me, trying to console me, but I pulled away before he could touch me.
This was too much. I couldn’t believe this was what he’d been keeping from me. I’d expected a sordid past with drugs or something stupid and reckless, but not this—not something to do with the beautiful girl who deserved the best from life.
“No!” I backed away as a sick feeling wormed its way through my body, consuming me. “I don’t want to hear anything from you.”
My back hit a solid chest and I knew it was Matt. He grasped my arms on either side as I tried to come to terms with what I was realizing. This was too much for me to process. Why was it such a secret?
“Hear him out,” Matt said gently in my ear.
I turned my head, my eyes seeking his. “Are you kidding me? You were angry at him a second ago and now you’re telling me to listen to him?”
Matt sighed. “I was angry because he was keeping secrets from you. I was angry because he’s been keeping secrets from his own flesh and blood. If he’s finally going to tell you the truth then it might be a step in the right direction.” His chest hummed against me as he spoke, as though the words were flowing into my body and filling me up.
“Fine,” I said with a nod, taking a step towards Nick and studying his distraught face. “You have one chance, and one chance only, and I don’t want to hear a single lie.”
- Four years ago –
Nick
Tears blurred my vision as I held the tiny bundle in my arms.
Celia chuckled softly from beside me as she lay on the hospital bed, her golden blonde hair piled up on the top of her head in a messy bun. “You told me you weren’t going to cry.”
My heart felt like it was overflowing with liquid warmth. “I didn’t think it was going to be like this. Madeline Jane…she’s a miracle.”
My words weren’t enough to describe the unusual feeling that was stirring inside my chest as I looked down at my little girl; her cheeks rosy, her tuft of dark blonde hair, the sliver of bright blue that peered out every once in a while when she opened her eyes. This feeling—it was love.
“She’s ours,” Celia said, placing her hand over mine.
“I hate to break up this picture perfect moment, but can I hold my niece now?” Matt broke the silence, stepping forward and holding out his hands impatiently.
“Me next,” Emily said, her tone shy as she studied Matt with a small smile.
Emily had had a crush on Matt for a couple of years now, but because she was only fourteen, she was too young for Matt to think of her in that way—which was lucky for him, because I was very protective of Emily and would make his life a living hell if he ever tried anything with her.
“Don’t drop her or I’ll kill you,” I warned, placing her carefully in Matt’s eager arms. “I mean it.”
I guess I was going to be just as protective over Madeline as I was with Emily.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he said, staring down at Madeline in awe. “I wouldn’t want to do any damage to that pretty face.”
“She is beautiful, isn’t she?” Emily beamed proudly, leaning over his shoulder to study her.
“That’s the De Voir gene, honey,” Matt said with a cheeky grin. “There’s no Ruggarson in her.”
Emily let out a cry of outrage and swatted him on the arm. Matt’s smile only grew in response. He was so full of it.
Rolling my eyes, I turned back to Celia who was looking a little pale, but still had that shining smile on her face. Madeline did look a lot like her and that was fine with me—my Celia was beautiful.
“I know we talked about how difficult this was going to be, how we’re both still so young, but when I look into her face I feel like we’re going to be okay,” Celia whispered.
I studied the girl I’d been with since I was a boy. She was now a woman who had turned me into a man—a man who had everything he could ever want.
“We’ll get through this,” I said, leaning over to kiss her on the head. “I love you.”
She smiled. “I love you.” Then her face contorted and she let out a cry of pain that sent a chill down my face. “Nick! I-” She clutched her chest, her eyes wide, her expression twisted in pain.
I grabbed her hand, fear racing through me. “Celia! What’s wrong?” I had never felt so much panic before. I had never been so afraid for anyone in my entire life.
I didn’t understand what was wrong. Celia had been fine all day.
She started screaming.
My stomach dropped to my feet.
Matt was shouting.
A nurse ran into the room.
The baby started crying.
My world ended.
- Present Day -
I had to remind myself to breathe.
I had to remind myself that there were years separating me from Celia now. But the memory of her was still painful. She was a scar across my heart.
Everything I’d kept inside was finally spilling out; I was finally breaking free from the cage I’d kept myself locked away in for the last four years.
My mother was crying in the background; no doubt my short retelling of Celia’s death was affecting her. It always did. It affected all of us in different ways.
From Sky’s pinched expression, I could tell my story had affected her, too.
“Yes, Madeline’s mine,” I said, my tone bitter. “But the last time I acknowledged that truth was the day Celia died. After I lost her, I didn’t know what to do. I knew she would’ve wanted me to take her, so I did. Madeline came to live with us and we hired Mrs. Potts to take care of her.”
Sky nodded, as though encouraging me to go on, but she still didn’t say anything and her face was still tense.
I continued; my mouth tasted like chalk and my chest was constricting painfully. “I didn’t know what to do with her. I didn’t know how to be a father without Celia beside me. I kept telling myself that I needed time and that eventually I’d step up and take responsibility for Madeline, but I never did. Before I knew it, she was walking and talking. She looked so much like Celia that it was too hard for me to be around her.”
“We don’t blame you for it, Nicholas; you were so young,” my mother choked out. “Celia’s death changed all of us.”
I hesitated, not wanting to admit the rest of the story, but Sky’s gaze was steady, unwavering. She was still here, listening. She hadn’t abandoned me, but I knew she would. It was inevitable. I was a bad person; I deserved bad things to happen to me.
“She grew up so fast. She didn’t know I was her dad, and that was no one’s fault except mine. I never stepped up. I rarely spent time with her. Once she was used to me just being ‘Nick’, it became easier to be around her. I didn’t feel the pressure anymore.”
Sky exhaled, turning away from me as her bottom lip quivered. “So Madeline grew up not knowing her mother or father?” She glanced at Matt, and I got this feeling that she couldn’t stand to look at me. I didn’t blame her. “So this was what you wanted him to tell me the entire time? Why?”
Matt sighed, his eyes sad and downcast. “I know Nick more than he thinks I do. I know what he was like around my sister. I know the person he became after he lost her. When I saw him around you, I could see splinters of the old Nick coming back. And if the old Nick came back then Madeline would finally have a dad.”
Sky’s gaze dropped to the floor; she still wasn’t making eye contact with me. All I wanted was for her to look at me. I needed to convince her that this wasn’t the life I had wanted for my daughter or me.
“This is so much to process. I just, I don’t know how anyone could do that to a child.”
I stepped forward, reaching for her hand. She let me take it, but it was limp in my hold. “Sky, I’m fucked up. I spent my nights with random women, hoping to make myself feel better for a brief moment, but the pleasure disappeared quickly. In the morning, I was left with the reminder that I was a piece of shit.”
I needed her to believe me—I needed her to understand.
“What you did was so wrong,” she said in a low tone, staring at me like I was a criminal. “I can’t believe your family and friends just stood by and let you ruin that poor girl’s life, as well as yours.”
“We tried, dear,” Dad said softly, finally speaking. “But as you have probably learned, my son is an incredibly stubborn man. We all tried to help him as best as we could.”
Maybe Dad’s words helped a little, because Sky lifted her head to study him as he spoke. Dad gave her a reassuring smile, but I wasn’t sure that she would be so easily convinced of anything after this huge revelation.
“Everyone around me kept making excuses for my behavior. They said I’d been through a tough time and that this was a normal reaction. No one put me in my place and made me question my choices.” I paused. “Until you.”
Her dark eyes finally found mine, and she released a sigh, her entire face creased like she was about to crumble. I was ready—ready to catch the pieces of her if she fell apart.
“Then prove it,” she said, her voice shaky. “Go upstairs right now and tell Madeline who you really are.”
I tensed at her words, wishing she had asked me to do anything other than that.
Because having to tell my daughter the truth meant having to face the ghost that haunted me, and that’s what I had really ben avoiding for all these years.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Nick
My head was buzzing as I entered the playroom, clutching the photograph in my hand like it was a security blanket.
Usually, Madeline was bent over her little table drawing something, but today she sat on the couch beside Mrs. Potts who had an arm around her. I had walked into the middle of my daughter being consoled.
My chest grew tight as I studied her golden curls, her heart-shaped face, her rosebud mouth—the striking resemblance to Celia was what had made it difficult for me to be around her.
But now regret flooded me; this was all my fault. I had put her in this position. I’d never stopped to consider what Celia would think of me.
Why had it taken me four years to realize all this? How could I do this to her for my own selfish reasons? I’d been young and had wanted to avoid my responsibility; I’d wanted to avoid the truth of Celia ever being in my life.
Losing her had destroyed me. And I, in turn, had destroyed Madeline.
Yet, here she was right in front of me, the picture of health and happiness. She was perfect; I was the one who was fucked up. Maybe she was better off without me being in her life.
Hell, Matt had been around more than I had. At least Madeline had had some sort of father figure around, and I’d even screwed that up because I’d been so determined to avoid him.
“Hey.” I stood awkwardly in the room as the two of them looked up at me.
“Hello, Nicholas.” Mrs. Potts gave me a look of disappointment, and I felt even more like shit.
Madeline was still; she didn’t even speak, which was unusual for her. The scene downstairs had probably confused the hell out of her. She was old enough to understand what had been said, and she could tell something was wrong.
I wanted to make things better, but how did you make up for four years of mistakes?
I took a deep breath.
When that wasn’t enough to calm me, I took another one.
“Can I speak to Madeline alone?” I directed at Mrs. Potts.
She nodded, tight-lipped, and smoothed Madeline’s hair before standing up and walking past me. “Tell her the truth.” Her voice was low, and when I caught her eye, she gave me an encouraging smile.
Oh, fuck. This was happening.
Taking the few short strides to where she sat, I replaced Mrs. Potts seat beside her, trying to calm my nerves.
Madeline didn’t look up at me; she was staring down at her bright pink shoes. I didn’t even know how to speak to a four-year-old properly—that’s how out of touch I was—but I had to do this for Celia. That’s who she was—she was my little Celia.
Exhaling, I held out the picture for her to take.
Her head snapped up and her eyes drank in the picture curiously. “Who’s that baby?” she asked, pointing to the bundle in Celia’s arms.
“That’s you,” I said with a smile.
“Why are you in the picture?” Her face was scrunched up as she regarded me.
“Honey,” I said, absently reaching out to brush aside loose curls from her face. “You know that’s your mommy in the pi
cture, right?”
Madeline nodded.
“I’m in the picture because I’ve always been there. I was there when your mommy found out she was going to have you. We were both scared because we were so young, but we knew we could take care of you together. I was there the day you were born, holding onto your tiny hand, not wanting to ever let go. But then we lost mommy, and I didn’t know how to be there for you anymore. I didn’t know how to be your daddy.”
A heavy silence descended upon us. I let my words sink in. I knew Madeline would speak when she was ready, and I didn’t want to push her.
“You’re my daddy?” she asked slowly, saying the words as though they were foreign to her.
I nodded, hurrying on, wanting to get it all out. The nerves were running through my body like electrical wire; I was so on edge. “I made a huge mistake, Madeline. I kept myself out of your life, but I want that to change. I want to be better for you.”
“I’ve always wanted a daddy,” she said, her tone hesitant as she peered into my face like she was searching for something.
Her words tugged at my heart, and I felt an ache there, like I was being reunited with a piece of me. Madeline was that missing piece—I had never felt complete because I’d never embraced her as a part of me.
“You’ve always had a daddy. It just took him a while to learn how to be one,” I said, caressing the side of her face. “I want you to know that I will always be here for you, and I will try every single day to make it up to you.” I trailed off as my throat became tight from the overwhelming emotions that were hitting me at once.
My body felt numb, even as an intense pain welled up inside of my chest until I felt like I was going to burst. I hadn’t felt this way since the day Celia had died, because I had died along with her; but now I was feeling all this because I was coming back to life.
“Don’t be sad.” She tilted her head to the side, her gaze wandering over my face. “I’ll be here for you, too.” She paused. “Daddy.”
