by Phil Earle
‘Er, dancing has never really been my thing. Singing neither. This is the thing I love –’ I motioned to the screen behind me – ‘not so much telly, but films. My dad was a movie nut, so for as long as I can remember I have been too. I’ve spent more time watching them than anything else, so today I wanted to show you the best scene from my favourite film.’
There was a titter from the floor in front of me. ‘You’re kidding me, aren’t you?’
It was Naomi, of course.
‘Er, can you keep your opinions to yourself?’ hushed Bex, tapping her on the shoulder.
‘Well, it’s hardly impressive, is it? Me and Paddy spent hours getting our stuff together and you’re going to let her get away with pressing a button on a remote control?’
‘This is about sharing something. No one said it had to be a performance.’
Naomi turned her snarl back towards me. ‘Come on, then, get on with it. I’m dying for a fag.’
I swallowed the urge to tell her where to go, thinking carefully about what to say.
‘There’s loads of films I could say are my favourite, but The Shawshank Redemption is the one I watch if I need cheering up or am feeling ill. It’s not a comedy or anything. It’s about a guy who’s sent to prison for allegedly killing his wife –’
‘No wonder she likes it …’ The temptation was too much for Naomi.
‘Once more and I’ll ask you to leave,’ shushed Bex.
‘We know he didn’t do it, but he can’t prove it, and so he spends years, decades in Shawshank, where the guards all take advantage of him, making him do their tax returns and fiddling the prison books. All the way through it looks like he’s going to die in there, until … well, until this bit … I’ll shut up now and let it speak for itself.’
I hit the play button, turning the volume button up as high as it would go, feeling the goosebumps on my arms as the familiar scene started to unfold.
One of the carers flicked the lights off and that was it, I was transported. I could’ve been anywhere and as long as the film was playing I didn’t care what the others thought about it.
The first thing they saw was the prison governor finding the hole in our hero’s cell wall, then stirring music as he realizes that the prisoner he needed locked up more than any other has escaped.
It was like watching it for the first time again and I felt my whole body tense as the hero pulled his way through the sewage pipe. By the time he splashed from the human waste into the river outside the prison, tears were gathering in the corners of my eyes, and as he stood in the pouring rain, arms outstretched in joy as the camera spun above his head, I was completely in its grip, forgetting to turn it off as the scene ended.
The lights burned my eyes as I was thrust back into the spotlight and I tried to brush the tears away casually without anyone noticing. I’d had no clue, when I came up with the idea, that this scene would affect me again. After all, it was like the twentieth time I’d seen it.
It was too late to worry about it now. There were a dozen pairs of eyes all focusing on me, all of them asking the same question.
‘OK. Now what?’
I swallowed hard, any thoughts I’d prepared sailing clean out of the room. I had to say whatever came into my head and I had to say it before the knives flew from the front row.
‘I d-didn’t pick this film because it’s set in a prison,’ I stuttered, ‘and any similarities between the reprobates in it and the ones here are purely coincidental.’
There was a polite laugh from a couple of the staff and another ‘humph’ from the Blues Brothers.
‘This has been my favourite for a few years now, long before all the stuff with my dad happened, and to be honest I haven’t watched it since he died. In fact I haven’t watched any films since then.’
The realization shocked me. Had it been that long?
‘I suppose I felt like I haven’t deserved to watch anything. Why should I surround myself with something I love when I felt so responsible for all the bad stuff going on?’
Ade was watching me, wondering if all her hard work was unravelling in front of the whole community.
‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can identify with the guy in the film, even if I’m not really like him. This isn’t prison, even if it’s felt like one from time to time. And I’m not a prisoner either. At least not any more. For way too long I’ve felt like a bad person and I know some of you reckon I am as well. But that’s not who I am.
‘And the reason I love this film and this scene so much … ? It’s because I’m waiting for my moment like his. Did you see what it meant to him, the smile on his face? All that stuff in the prison, the years of torturing himself? In that moment, it doesn’t matter any more. It’s all in the past. And I can’t wait to feel like that. I’m waiting for that moment where all the guilt and all the bad stuff I think about myself washes away.’
I paused briefly, to see if anyone was with me, and they were certainly listening.
‘I didn’t think I’d ever have that moment. But now? I’m looking forward to it, because I know it’s coming. I just hope it’s soon.’
I didn’t know what to say after that. There was nothing left in my head, so I crouched down, ejected the DVD, turned off the TV and walked, head up, back to my seat, listening to the applause and ignoring the jeers. It was over and I didn’t have to fear it any more.
Chapter 50
It wasn’t the rapturous reception the others had got, but there were enough nods and smiles from the staff for me to know that I hadn’t come off as badly as I’d feared. All I had to do now was keep my head down, sit through Ade’s announcement and scoot off to bed. Tomorrow couldn’t be as eventful as today.
We watched as Ade clambered on to the stage and I could see the tension in her face. I had no idea how she was going to break the news. I just hoped they’d done as they said and told Naomi.
‘You certainly know how to put on a show,’ she said, beaming. ‘I don’t think I have ever been so moved, entertained and tickled in such a short space of time.’
She took a deep breath, and I held mine in anticipation.
‘Today, though, is a special day for other reasons … not just because of what we have seen tonight. I actually have two more things that I need to tell you about. Both are good news, and the first is to do with our friend Daisy, who is fifteen today.’
There were polite whoops as the focus turned to me, and if I’d had the time I would’ve slid down my chair to hide.
‘As you know, Daisy has had some issues to work through since she arrived, some of them to do with the death of her father, but some that are older than that.’
I saw Paddy roll his eyes at Naomi, whose jaw was stiff and tense.
‘What you might not know is that Daisy wasn’t lucky enough to ever meet her mum, and that has been difficult for her to accept. As much as I’d love to be able to remedy this, I can’t. But I did make Daisy a promise a few weeks ago and I hope that this birthday present will in some ways help me keep that promise.’
From behind her back she pulled out a CD and, after waving it in the air, she asked Eric to do the honours, which he duly did, sliding it into the DVD player.
‘Now, this may not make much sense to you, but it’s important that we all support Daisy. She has made incredible progress, despite tensions between some of you, and that’s why I want you all to see this. I hope this may make up for me letting you down earlier, Daisy. Happy birthday, lucky charm.’
The lights disappeared and all eyes were sucked back to the TV.
At first there was little to see. The picture was scrambled, a snowstorm invading both the top and the bottom of the screen, but slowly it started to settle and instead of the snow there was now a beach. The picture quality wasn’t great, it was overexposed like an old Polaroid, with the camera pointed out to sea, a woman’s back the only thing blocking the
waves as they rolled in.
‘For God’s sake,’ moaned Naomi. ‘Is this You’ve Been Framed or something? Can we cut to the funny bit where she falls over?’
It was like whoever was holding the camera heard her, as they started to walk towards the woman, and as he called her name, everything fell into place.
‘Lydia!’ the voice called. ‘Lydia! Lyds!’
It was Dad’s voice, the familiarity of it shocking me upright in my seat. Not just that, though, the name he was calling was Mum’s, which meant …
I stopped the thought in my head, terrified of disappointment, but the camera rolled on and finally the woman turned to face him.
There was no disappointment, just shock, as for the first time I was confronted by the sight of my mum in something other than a photograph.
As a gift that would’ve been enough to satisfy me, but as I tore my gaze away from her face I saw the shape of her body, and the swollen bump where her stomach should’ve been.
It had to be me in there, but I didn’t understand.
Where had Ade found it?
My pulse quickened in excitement and I lifted myself off my chair, gripping the front of the stage hard.
‘I was beginning to think you’d fallen asleep?’ I heard Dad say to her.
‘What, standing up?’ She laughed.
‘Well, you have been knackered lately.’
‘No wonder, what with this one booting me every five minutes!’
‘Is she kicking now?’
I watched Mum’s face soften and nod.
‘And how does it feel?’
Dad zoomed in as her hands slid down and held her tummy.
‘How do you think it feels?’ She laughed, before speaking a line I never thought I’d hear. ‘It’s my daughter belting the crap out of me. It feels amazing.’
It didn’t matter that the screen went fuzzy again. It didn’t matter that the snowstorm took over and the lights went back on. All that mattered was that line, looping endlessly in my head. I could think of nothing else. No one would ever be able to take it away, even if the disc never worked again. I fell back into the chair, my eyes leaking everywhere, but I didn’t care who saw. I wasn’t going to let anything spoil the moment.
Ade walked back to the centre of the stage, her eyes misting too.
‘Happy birthday, Daisy,’ she said. ‘Do you like your present?’
I stuck my thumbs up.
‘Well, you should thank your dad, not me. He hoarded a whole load of old tapes. The hardest bit was finding a video player. As soon as I found that I just had to sit and watch until your mum showed up. I guessed she would in the end.’
This brought a ripple of applause from Bex and the other carers, and edged Naomi ever closer to the end of her leash.
‘Have we finished now? Or do we have to flick through their holiday snaps as well?’
She ignored the stern looks of the staff and pushed herself to her feet.
‘Seriously,’ she moaned. ‘From the way you lot go on about her you’d think she was the only person living here. So if we’re done I’m going to go and have a smoke. I reckon me and Paddy deserve it after what we laid on.’
She made for the door, only for Ade’s voice to pull her grudgingly back.
‘Naomi. Patrick. Please. Sit down for one minute. There’s something else I need to tell everyone. Something important.’
Naomi growled, every muscle in her body tensing as she threw herself back into her seat. ‘Make it quick, will you?’
Confusion buzzed through me. I studied Naomi, to see if she was acting dumb like I was. She had to know, didn’t she? I mean, why on earth wouldn’t they tell her like they told me? Ade was her key worker too.
‘I have one more piece of news that is important. You see, today is going to be my last day on shift here. For a while at least. I discovered today that I am having a baby. So until it has arrived, I have to step away. I know it will be a bit of a shock to some of you, but I hope that you can all be pleased for me as well.’
I sat with my head down, my nerve not strong enough to look up and feign ignorance. But when I did, I found Naomi’s boring a hole in me and I knew my fears were true.
She didn’t know. The pain was all over her face and she stared at me without blinking.
‘You knew,’ she mouthed to me. ‘You knew. Didn’t you?’
I should’ve acted more. Or better. Or both. I tried, but failed, as she wasn’t buying into whatever look I managed to give her.
‘Bitch,’ she mouthed again, before shouting it, loudly, startling everyone. ‘BITCH!’
I wasn’t sure if it was aimed at Ade or me. Probably both, not that it mattered. With a screech, her chair flew backwards and I braced myself, expecting her to throw herself in my direction, but she didn’t. Instead she sprinted for the door, her hat flying off in the process. With a final flourish, the door slammed shut behind her, the echo tearing its way around the room, causing the drapes to flutter like kites.
There was silence around the room for a heartbeat or two, until Susie broke it. Climbing to her feet, she clambered on to the stage and hugged Ade a little too tightly.
‘Congratulations,’ she said, beaming. ‘We aren’t half going to miss you.’
Everyone else took that as their cue, whether it was news to them or not, and I stood in line, waiting to tell her again just how pleased I was.
Typically, though, Ade deflected any talk of herself away and focused instead on me.
‘You should be so proud of yourself. To tell everyone what you did, today of all days … Incredible, Daisy Houghton. Incredible.’
‘But what about Naomi?’ I whispered in her ear. ‘I thought you said you were going to tell her too.’
‘And we tried. Several times. She wouldn’t come to Bex’s office or the staff room. She even locked herself in her room. In the end we had no choice but to tell her tonight with everyone else.’
‘She looked gutted. What do you think she’ll do?’
Ade shrugged, upset herself that Naomi had reacted as she had. ‘She’ll do what she always does. She’ll shout, and break a few things, but she’ll calm down finally. I’ll go look for her. It’s not like I can leave until we’ve smoothed things out, is it?’
‘Suppose not. You want me to help?’
‘You know what I want you to do? I want you to take this DVD to your bedroom, put it into the player and look at it again. I spent hours looking through your dad’s tapes. Pretty much every night for the last couple of weeks. But I’ll tell you what. Seeing your face as you watched it? It was worth every single second.’ She looked at me, head cocked on one side. ‘Do you think it’ll make a difference, like you hoped it might?’
‘It already has,’ I said, grinning. ‘It’s the best present I could’ve asked for. Thank you.’
‘You are welcome,’ she said. ‘Now go and watch it again.’
I didn’t need telling twice, so I hugged her, making her promise to say goodnight before she left.
It had been a long day, and a knackering one at that, but for once I didn’t notice the stairs up to the girls’ landing. I practically floated up them, knowing that my mum would be waiting at the end of the corridor.
Chapter 51
The power of the footage didn’t dwindle on second viewing, or the third or fourth.
I watched it greedily, barely blinking, looking for signs that Ade had fooled me with an elaborate hoax.
But however I tested it, it made no difference. That was my mum stroking me, telling me I was amazing, and nobody was going to dilute the joy that brought with it.
I was so pumped up I’d forgotten all about the tantrum that followed Ade’s bombshell. In fact, I don’t think I’d have given it a second thought had a fist not hammered on my door, shaking the walls like a flimsy film set.
With my head full of Mum, I didn’t think
about who might be there and flung the door open … to find Naomi.
She filled the doorway and in a couple of strides forced me backwards until I tripped on to my bed. Before I knew it, there was a hand around my throat, the other pinning me to the mattress.
‘I warned you, didn’t I, bitch?’ she spat. ‘The last time you kept secrets from me I warned you.’
‘I don’t know what you’re on about,’ I said, grimacing as I tried to lever some space.
‘Don’t give me that. The news about Ade leaving, you knew, didn’t you?’
I couldn’t say a word as her grip was cutting off the air to my lungs.
‘What is it with you?’ she screamed. ‘I thought you might be different from the others, but you’re not. Whenever I have something special going on there’s always someone who has to ruin it. Someone who hoovers all the good stuff up. It happened with Mum so many times, but not now. I’m not going to let it.’
She was sweating, spit spraying from her lips as she tightened her fingers around my neck.
‘They tried to tell you,’ I gasped. ‘But they said you wouldn’t listen.’
‘Well, they should’ve tried harder,’ she yelled, and for the first time I saw weakness in her as tears mixed with perspiration. ‘Would it have been so hard for them to try again? Am I not even worth that?’
‘Course you are.’
I would’ve said anything to get her off me and she knew it.
‘Listen, I haven’t finished with you. You may think you’re on the way out of here now, but let me tell you something. I’ve seen them promise the same thing to a load of kids, and never, not once, have I seen it come to anything. No one wants kids like us – why would they? So you can sit tight and think about how difficult I’m going to make life for you. Because I will bide my time and pick you off when I want to. I’ve bigger things to look after tonight.’
She forced my neck into the bed before backing away to the door. The air gushed into my chest, but I was unable to stand as my head was spinning with the shock.
