I try to interrupt, to cut him off again with blaming himself, but he shakes his head and holds up his finger, silencing me before I can even start.
“She helped me get cleaned up, though. Bringing me to see her therapist, sitting in on my rehab meetings. She was my rock. Margo did the same, but on her own time while I was at work. We actually appeared normal, getting good grades and working hard. I tried to go with Margo to all her appointments, but missed the one when she found out it was a girl. I was so excited, though…”
He looks up at me with the corner of his lips slightly curled up into a grin.
“As much as I said I wanted a boy, the thought of having a little girl that I could call my princess had me fucking ecstatic. The weekend before we graduated, we went looking for apartments. Our plan was to move to one after graduation. We had it all figured out.”
Pausing, he bites down on his lower lip, his expression turning angry.
“That didn’t happen, though. The night of graduation I had to work while she went to some grad parties, saying that she wouldn’t stay long, that she just wanted to stop in and say hi. I was hesitant. We stayed away from parties, too many bad influences there, but I trusted her, we’d been doing so well. Just as I was finishing up my shift, doing my last pizza delivery, I got a call from her aunt, saying that she was in the hospital.” He sighs, shaking his head. “That she’d overdosed on prescription drugs. Immediately, I asked if the baby was okay, but she didn’t answer. Just asked me to hurry to the hospital. A million different emotions flooded my body driving there. I couldn’t believe that she would pick up another drug while carrying our baby...she promised that she was clean.”
Resting my hand on his thigh, I rub it gently, trying to comfort him as much as I can. There’s no denying his obvious pain, knowing that the story doesn’t end well.
“Well, I found out that she never gave them up. She wasn’t doing heroin which was our drug of choice. She was doing Oxycodone instead. The party drug for heroin. Well, that’s what she tested positive for, anyway. Along with some others.”
He exhales, rubbing his face.
“When I got to the hospital, she was in surgery, delivering our baby via c-section. I stayed in the waiting room. I wouldn’t talk to anyone...just prayed over and over again that the baby would be okay.”
A tear trickles down his face.
“She didn’t make it, though. The doctors said they did everything they could to save her, but she died of hypoxia, lack of oxygen to the brain. They let me see her, to say goodbye. She was so tiny and beautiful…perfect.”
He smiles, remembering the moment, I’m sure.
“I named her Layla after my mom. I couldn’t have cared less what Margo thought. I actually left the hospital without ever seeing or talking to her. I hated every ounce of her, still do. She called, though, when she was released, trying to apologize and explain, but I heard none of it. Just told her to stay the fuck away from me and to never breathe my name again. I heard from a few people that she moved out of state with some fuck-up, but that was it. I never heard another thing about her. She could’ve died for all I knew, or cared.”
– NOLAN –
Every ounce of me is numb as I relive that awful day and all the emotions that went with it...feeling the empty hole that hollowed my heart for months. I stare expressionless at the floor, too ashamed to look up. I can only imagine the thoughts running through Alexa’s head. The crap-shit she just learned about the person she plans to spend the rest of her life with...what a fuck-up I was, and how I killed my parents, then got a girl pregnant who ended up killing my baby. It’s all fucked up, and I wouldn’t blame her for leaving. I wouldn’t blame her for regretting her love for me.
This is why I couldn’t tell her, why I’ve kept it a secret. I’ve tried to forget about it all, forget the past me ever existed. As much as I hate the person I was, I sometimes worry that my past will invade the present and I’ll spiral down to the underlying person I might be. A piece of shit. No. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t risk the chance of losing the only thing that has ever mattered in my life.
But now she knows. Now I’ve told her. I can’t risk losing Alexa, and I can’t bring myself to look up to see if I have.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, breaking the silence, her voice cracking as she says it.
Immediately confused, I look up at her.
“Sorry? How can you be sorry? I’m the fuck-up. I’m the one who ruined my family. I’m the one who allowed her to go to that party—”
“No…no,” she interrupts, shaking her head steadily back and forth. “Nolan, none of that is your fault.”
I wet my lips and run my hand through my hair.
“It is, though. Can’t you see? I made them get on that plane, I—”
“Baby, stop!” Alexa grabs my face, holding it firm in her viewing. “You didn’t put the terrorist in the cockpit. You didn’t tell Margo to take the drugs. You did nothing but love that baby unconditionally. You…” she rests her forehead against mine, making my body tremble with emotion, “are not to blame.”
Lost by her words, my whole body knots. Knots for the good that she sees in me. Knots for the pain in my heart. Knots for how much love this beautiful woman holds for me, even after finding out about my past. Knots for all of it.
Tears stream my face. Never have I ever been so taken away by someone–so loved and cherished. Never have I ever felt worthy–worthy of happiness. Alexa allows this to happen. She loves me for me. She disregards the past and lives for the future, a future with me. And that’s more than I can ever ask for. More than I deserve, but everything I need. I need Alexa.
Completely consumed, I kiss her hard, showing her how much I love her. How much I appreciate her. How much I need her in my life.
She wraps her arms around my neck, holding me, comforting me as I smother her with affection. Kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her mouth, her neck...transferring all the love and passion that I can while the tears continue to fall.
Kissing her forehead once more, I rest them together again.
“I love you so much, baby,” I softly whisper, trying to catch my breath. “So fucking much.”
Chapter Seventeen
– ALEXA –
Opening my eyes, I wake to Nolan’s warm body still wrapped snug around mine. Discreetly rolling over so that I can face him, I watch as he peacefully sleeps. A few strands of hair dangle in his face, lifting every time he exhales. As I push them back, his eyes start to flutter open. Noticing me awake and looking at him, he pulls me in closer, leaving no space between us.
“Morning, beautiful,” he murmurs, a smile tugging on his lips.
My heart swarming with love, I kiss his nose before responding, “Morning, babe.”
“Did you sleep well?” he asks and I nod my head yes, agreeing. “Uh huh…you?”
“The best I’ve slept in a long time,” he smiles whole heartedly.
With a comforted smile settled on both of our faces, we stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. Though last night was incredibly emotional, and I was given information that I wish I’d have learned much sooner, waking up today is like a breath of fresh air. No secrets lay between us, and everything is out in the open. Hopefully Nolan is carrying much less guilt and realizing that he’s not to blame for his past.
“Can we take today off?” he asks, breaking our peaceful silence. “Just do us today?”
Without even worrying about what I’ll miss in school, I agree, needing this day of just us.
“Yes,” I tell him. “I’d love that.”
Resting my head on his chest, we lay together in silence. Nolan playing with my hair while I draw designs on his chest with my finger. Just enjoying our time together with nowhere to be and nothing to do.
“Do you think they’ve forgiven me?” Nolan asks out of nowhere.
I lean up on my elbows, looking him in the eyes.
“Who?” I ask.
“My parents. D
o you think they’ve forgiven me for all that I’ve done?”
I think for a moment, contemplating my answer.
“I don’t think they ever doubted you,” I tell him.
“How could they not? I put them through hell.”
“Because they were your parents who loved and saw the best in you, even when you didn’t.”
Staring at the ceiling, looking lost in thought, he only responds, “Huh,” to my statement. After a few moments, his eyes move back down to mine.
“I just wish I could see them one last time…to apologize. To maybe get closure.”
“You can. They’re all around you, Nolan. With you everywhere–watching over you and making sure you’re okay. They’re your angels now.”
Pushing up to his elbows, I move to a sitting position beside to him.
“Do you really believe that? That when you die you can watch over people, help guide them in the right direction?”
Nodding my head confidently with a smile, I reply, “I do.”
Now sitting up completely, he runs his hand nervously through his hair before looking up to the ceiling. I almost question if he’s okay, but then he begins.
“I’m sorry,” he begins, his words tugging on my heart. “I’m sorry for what I put you through. I’m sorry for putting you on that plane, and I’m sorry for the pain it caused you. I’m sorry for everything. Please take care of my princess. Tell her how much her daddy loves her and that I miss her every single day. Please know that I’d take it all back to have you all here with me today. Please continue to watch over me, to watch over both Alexa and I. Help guide me in the right direction, to do right.” He tenderly glances down at me, caressing my cheek with his thumb. “Help me be the best man that I can be,” he finishes, looking deep within my eyes. I don’t know if the last statement is intended for them or me, but I nod my head smiling, tears streaming my face.
Leaning forward, he kisses me gently, allowing me to feel his love and his pain mixed with passion and remorse. In this moment I think he has found what he’s been seeking…closure. That he can finally except the cards that he has been handed and move forward, to make the best of his future, to live in the now.
Resting his forehead against mine and holding my face softly in his hands, he whispers, “I love you,” against my lips.
Sniffling in, I try to find the words, choked by the moment.
Pushing past the knot in my throat, I softly answer, “I love you too.”
He closes his eyes, affected by my words. Like he’s hearing me say it to him for the first time, finally allowing someone to love him, and feeling it deep within. Comprehending that he’s worthy of someone’s heart.
“So much,” I continue. “You are my world, my everything…”
Taking in small breaths, trying to fight back the tears, he gently rocks his head, hearing and accepting my declaration.
Removing our foreheads from touching, his hands drop from my face as he opens his eyes to see my confession, to understand fully the words coming out of my mouth.
“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me–I could never love anyone else the way I love you.”
Surveying my face, he takes it all in before pushing himself on me, taking my lips with more passion than I have ever felt before. Naturally, I fall back into bed with his body covering mine–arms falling on each side of my head. Our mouths move rhythmically, mimicking each other’s movements, caressing our tongues together. Putting a little space between us, but remaining in sync with our kiss, Nolan reaches down with one hand, running his firm hand up and underneath my silk nightgown.
With just the warmth of his hand running up and down my side, my body aches to have him in me, filling me with his love. As the intensity builds, so does the rock of my hips. He sits back on his heels, then stands at the bottom of the bed, quickly removing his boxers. As Nolan climbs back over me, he slowly pushes my gown up, skimming the curvatures of my body with his mouth, making every exposed area tingle with desire.
With his eyes burrowing inside of mine, Nolan continues to remove my sleek gown, pulling it methodically over my head, then tossing it to the side. Seriousness still consuming his stare, he focuses his sight on mine as he moves his mouth back down my body, glancing back up after every kiss he places against my skin. I watch, taking in the transfer of his love, claiming my body with his.
As he descends further down my body, the ache and throb between my legs grow more and more intense, making it difficult to keep my eyes open and let the pleasure succumb to my body. But, I don’t, keeping my eyes fixed on his, matching each glance he gives me.
Reaching the hem of my thong, he slides them down with his teeth, fingers slipped inside the band, helping their descent. Tossing them to the side, he watches my body quiver as he slides his mouth soft and passionately up the length of my leg. A pleasured moan escapes my mouth when his tongue grazes my nub with very little pressure, just enough for me to feel it. He continues to tease and caress it with the tip of his tongue, sending mounds of desire soaring through my veins.
Oh god, do I need relief.
– NOLAN –
Swirling my tongue over Alexa’s beautifully swollen clit gives me more pleasure than she can ever imagine. The taste of her sweet wetness and the seductive pleading moans singing irresistibly from her lips as her hands tangle firmly in my hair, consumes every damn inch of my heart, digging deeper and deeper into my soul.
I take my time, savoring each cry, each rock of her hips, each plea for relief...showing my love the control and desire I have for her, and only her. That the way her body craves me and feels so emotionally full is the way I promise to make her feel for the rest of her life. How there isn’t a damn thing about her that I don’t love, savor, and enjoy turning on. All of her consumes me–every last fucking bit.
Having enough, Alexa pushes my head further against her pussy, making my cock lift with excitement.
Fuck, she can be so hot.
I don’t hold back, swirling, licking, and sucking until her hips lunge up, shaking and spasming in a delicious orgasm. Using just my tongue to finish her off, I push my boxers down and off, needing some relief of my own.
As soon as she falls limp into the bed, I begin my journey, outlining the perfect shape of her body with my tongue. She sighs exhausted and relieved by the soothing wetness on her skin. There’s nothing about her body that doesn’t taste divine. I could just devour her all fucking day.
Reaching her breasts, I take my time on each, and she watches as I do. Nothing turns me on more than seeing the affect that my mouth and body has over her… especially when she watches.
Oh fuck, how I love it when she watches.
Continuing, I slide my tongue in between her tits, up her neck, over her chin, then inside of her cracked and panting mouth. Just as my tongue finds hers, my cock slides in, warranting another pleasured moan from her sweet beautiful mouth. Resting my arms on each side of her head, I let my love for her pour out, wrapping and caressing her tongue with mine while moving slowly and effortlessly in and out of her opening.
Feeling the intensity rising, Alexa wraps her silk-skinned legs around my waist while digging her perfect little fingers into my back, causing a fierce flame to burn throughout my veins, quickening my pace.
“Yes…oh baby, yes!” she cries out, throwing her head back further into the pillows, separating our mouths.
My head drops into the fold of her neck, panting while pushing deeper and deeper into her core. Her cries grow louder, yelling and pleading my name, making my heart swell and my cock harden.
Ah fuck!
Harder and faster I pump, throwing my head back, searching for every last ounce of fucking energy that’s left inside my body, filling her as deep as I can go. I start to crumble just as she clenches hard around my cock, pulsing and squeezing every last bit of pure ecstasy from my being, pushing me over the edge.
Shit…shit, it feels so good!
Completely drained
and exhausted, I fall lifeless on top of her body, catching my breath and filling my lungs back up with oxygen. Alexa does the same, panting for air beneath me.
“That…” I begin between heavy breaths, lifting my head to see her, “was amazing.”
Nodding her head with a pleasured grin, she agrees, “Mmhmm.”
I chuckle with how fucking cute she looks, so fulfilled and happy. These are the moments that fill my insides with so much love. These are the moments I cherish the most.
Looking at me, she smiles, “What? What’s so funny?”
Smiling and softly laughing some more, I shake my head, “Nothing, baby doll. I just love you so fucking much.”
– ALEXA –
Nolan slides a little to my side, but with his naked body still draped over mine. We don’t speak, just lay lovingly in each other’s arms as I run my fingers through his hair and he caresses my arm with his thumb.
“I really hope they have rules,” he says out of nowhere.
“Who?” I question, having no clue what he’s talking about.
“Angels.”
A smile tugs on my lips, realizing that he’s daydreaming about his parents and daughter again.
“Why do you say that?” I ask.
“Cause it’d be a little fricken awkward thinkin’ that my mom, dad, and kid are watching me fuck you. They gotta have some kind of code.”
An amused chuckle escapes my mouth. Only Nolan would think this.
“God, I hope so,” I agree, thinking about it.
Moving up onto his elbows, he looks at me with an adorable grin.
“Right? It’d be fucked up if they didn’t.”
“Definitely. They have to have some kind of rule for it.”
Chapter Eighteen
– ALEXA –
After showering together and finally getting ready for the day, we decide to get a bite to eat at the café down the street.
“I’m gonna go find a seat,” I tell Nolan while he waits for our order to come up.
Giving You Forever Page 12
