Our conversations throughout the day are short, just making small talk about the wedding, what we can order in for dinner, and trying to joke that at least she won’t be nine months pregnant for the wedding. Though Alexa says it as a joke, the air becomes incredibly sticky and quiet when the laughter dissipates, not finding the joke very amusing after all, wishing that the tables were turned and that she was very pregnant and glowing, about to have our baby at our wedding.
Just after we finish eating dinner at around seven, Alexa announces that she’s getting really crampy and uncomfortable. Exhaling, I help her up the stairs and into bed while everything in me is kicking and screaming, pissed that this is about to happen. For the second time in my life, I’m about to lose my baby. But I keep it inside, not wanting to upset Alexa. She has already gone through enough and is about to experience much worse.
Not even bothering to remove my clothes, I climb into bed beside her, flipping on the TV with the remote. We sit there in silence. I couldn’t tell you what the hell we’re watching, I’m not paying attention, instead just thinking about when God is finally going to throw me a fucking bone.
Stop punishing me! I’ve had enough. I just want to live. To be happy and start over. Start a new life with Alexa.
“Ahh…” Alexa moans beside me, startling me out of my thought.
Immediately, I shift towards her, holding her in my arms.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” I ask, worried and hating to see my girl like this.
She shakes her head no and starts moving out of my arms and toward the bathroom with panic consuming her eyes. I quickly jump out of bed, following her.
Pulling her gown up and her underwear down, she sits on the toilet, tears filling her eyes. I take a seat on the tiled floor in front of her, wrapping my legs around the bottom, having my face right near her knees. Although, my stomach is twisting in two and I can feel a knot threatening to move up my throat, I ignore it, rubbing her thighs and whispering how much I love her instead.
Before long, I hear drop after drop in the toilet with pain and fear painted all over Alexa’s beautiful face. Not knowing what to do, I just rub her legs even more, trying to comfort her in the only way possible. It just keeps coming, though, and with every drop I hear, the pain in my heart grows bigger, and the knot in my throat pushes higher.
Jesus Christ. Make it stop!
After what feels like hours, but really only minutes, it stops.
“Stay here, sweetheart,” I whisper, standing up and walking over to the shower to turn it on.
Not even worrying about the blood getting everywhere, I pick Alexa’s pale and frozen body up off the toilet, carrying her over to the now steamed shower, sitting her down on the built in bench inside. She doesn’t move, just allows me to take her gown and underwear off. I quickly take off my already soaked clothes, throwing them all outside the shower door.
Bringing the shower nozzle down off the hook, I rinse her off before lathering her body with soap. She just goes with the motions; lifting her arms when she needs to, turning to let me shampoo and condition her hair...so frail and helpless, breaking my heart in two.
I have her sit in the shower a moment longer while I towel dry myself off, wrapping it around my waist before going into our bedroom to get a clean pair of pajamas for her. However, when I get back in the bathroom, I’m surprised when I see her standing outside the shower, drying herself off.
“Baby, I could’ve done that for you,” I tell her, rushing to help her.
She puts up her hand for me to stop.
“I can do it,” she says, sounding irritated. I don’t take it personally, though. She just experienced something terrible.
As she steps into her new underwear, a stream of blood slides down her leg.
“It won’t stop,” she tells me, eyes filling with tears again.
Quickly turning and searching underneath the sink, I find her box of maxi pads, pulling one out. “Here, sweetheart, put one of these on.”
A slight grin tugs at the corner of her mouth.
“Thanks,” she answers, taking it from my hands before sticking it on the inside of her underwear.
– ALEXA –
It’s been two days since the miscarriage. The bleeding is starting to go away–an official notification that the baby is gone. When the bleeding and clotting continued throughout the first night, Nolan freaked, calling the on call doctor, asking why it wouldn’t go away. He said it was just my body cleansing. That there’s no way to tell when the baby actually came out and that my body will just keep dispersing the remnants until it feels as though I’m cleaned. Today I’m cleaned. I’m officially no longer pregnant, leaving a gutted empty feeling within.
Nolan has been wonderful, continuing to love and take care of me, comfort me when I need comforting, wiping my tears when they fall...he’s been my rock. Never would I have been able to get through this without him, but our relationship has become awkward and depressing. Neither of us feels capable of happiness right now. Neither of us can find the right words to say.
Today is my first day back to school. I go through the motions–shower, brush my teeth, get ready, make coffee, have breakfast, leave for school. Everything appears to be back to how it used to be. My life before pregnancy.
I make my run-in with Jamie short and sweet. The look of sympathy played out all over his face is too much, and I just can’t deal with it. I had Nolan call him and tell him what was happening. After every class, I take extra time putting my things in my bag, making the time in between classes minimal, not wanting to have a conversation with anyone. I just need to get through this day.
To make matters worse, I don’t hear anything from Nolan. With the time he took off, he’s been swamped trying to get caught up, but still, I usually hear from him during the day.
After my last class, I decide that I’ve had enough. Student teaching will just have to wait another day. I can’t fight back the tears anymore, I need to cry. I need to release the knot that has been invading my stomach and throat all day. I need to be alone.
Nothing is out of the norm when I get home. Quiet, peaceful, and something I know Nolan and I still share. Except when I get up into our room, my stomach hits the ground. It’s not the same as it always is.
Nolan’s things are gone.
Quickly opening all of the dresser drawers…empty. Swinging the closet doors open…empty. The only clothes remaining are mine. With my heart thumping through my chest, I run down the stairs, opening the garage door. His shoes are gone, and then that’s when I see it, the note hanging on the refrigerator door when I turn and walk back in. Swallowing hard, I lift the magnet holding it, afraid to look at the words, the words that are sure to haunt me for the rest of my life.
– NOLAN –
I left.
There’s no other choice I had. My world is a big black cloud, ruining the lives of the people I love most. I can’t allow this to happen to Alexa; to ruin the only girl that has ever given me a life worth living. She deserves so much more. She deserves better than me. Walking away rips everything from my being, everything that makes me the person I am is gone. Never will I ever be the same person without her. Never will I ever be able to love again…not like the way I love Alexa. She is the core to my existence. Without her, there is nothing left, but it’s worth it. To be able give Alexa a life full of love and happiness, it’s worth it. It is worth every damn second without her.
– ALEXA –
With tears already streaming down my face, I manage to somehow put one foot in front of the other, collapsing on the couch, finally finding the courage to open the now crumpled letter in my hand.
Crumpling it back into a ball, I chuck it across the room. How dare he do this to me? How dare he decide my fate? Who is he to decide what makes me happy, to decide what I need in life? He’s what I need. He’s my fate.
He’s not going to do this to me. He doesn’t get to decide that we are done. He doesn’t get off that easy. We a
re forever. We always have and always will be.
Quickly fishing my phone out of my purse, I call him over and over, but it goes to voicemail each time.
He won’t do this to me. He can’t!
Grabbing my keys, I drive over to the gym. Maybe I can catch him before he leaves. He had to have stopped there first.
I barrel in, like a bat of hell. Mike sees me right away, face expressionless with a hint of despair.
“Where is he?” I yell, not caring about anything but finding my fiancé.
He shakes his head as he gets closer, swallowing hard, about to give me more news that I refuse to hear. I won’t.
“He’s not here,” Mike tells me, raw emotion filling his tone.
“Did you see him? Did he tell you where he was going? Where is he, Mike?”
Still shaking his head, he says, “I don’t know. There was just a note taped to his desk, telling me that he had to leave.”
Damn him and his fricken notes!
“No,” I shake my head, tears soaking my skin. “No. He can’t do this to me. He can’t leave me.”
Stepping forward, Mike pulls me into his chest, hugging me and trying to comfort me as best as he can.
“He has to come back, Mike. He has to.”
“Shh…” he whispers into my hair. “He will come back. There’s no way he’ll be able to stay away. Just give him some time.”
Mike’s right. He has to come back. This is his gym. It’s in his name.
“When is your opening? He has to be here for it, right?” I ask, now feeling like there’s hope. He has to come back.
Mike rubs his face, exhaling.
“He’s stepping down. He’s signing it over to me.”
“Can he just do that? Just sign it over?” I ask, feeling the knot reforming in my chest.
“I don’t know. He said he’ll take care of the legals,” he softly says, shrugging his shoulders.
What the fuck?
Feeling like I’m wasting my time, and that I need to keep searching, I tell Mike to call me if he hears anything, even the slightest trace of anything. I need to know immediately.
He agrees, hugging me once more and apologizing.
On my way to Kelly’s, I try his cellphone again. He has to turn it on eventually. But it still goes straight to voicemail, each and every time.
As soon as I get my car in park, I bolt up to the front door, not even bothering to knock. I just walk right in.
“Kelly!” I shout. “Dylan!” “Kel! are you home?” I continue to shout, looking in each room down stairs.
Not having any luck, I drop to my knees and sob.
“Alexa!” Kelly comes running down the stairs in just a robe with her towel wrapped around her hair. “Oh my god, what’s wrong? What happened?” she falls down next to me.
“He hasn’t called you?” I choke out in between tears.
“Who?” she questions. “Nolan?”
I nod my head pitifully in her arms.
“He left, Kel. He just left me.”
“No. No, he would never,” Kelly says, confident in her answer, thinking it has to be a mistake.
I look up at her, pain bleeding from my eyes.
“He’s gone. All of his clothes...everything.”
She pauses before answering, totally dumbfounded herself.
“Did he say why? It just doesn’t make sense. He loves you. There’s no question about that.”
Swallowing hard, and wiping the wetness from my face, I tell her the only thing I know.
“Just a note, saying that I deserve better. That being with him will ruin me…”
Quickly standing up, she reaches for their phone on the receiver.
“It’s not on,” I whisper, hearing her start to dial. “It just goes straight to voicemail.”
I hear her hit the end button, then put it back on the charger. Not speaking a word, having no reasoning for her brother.
“Have you tried, Mike? The gym?”
I nod my head.
“Yup. Nothing.”
She picks up the phone, dialing another number.
“Dylan. Have you heard from Nolan?” She sighs in frustration. “No, I mean I don’t know. I hope so. Alexa’s here. She can’t find him. He left.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
– ALEXA –
After calling every cousin and person we could think of, we give up. I start to drive home, but turn on the highway instead. I can’t go back there. I can’t go back to the house we once shared. I could never live there without him.
I drive for hours, turning down roads, not knowing where they go; stopping only once to get gas and a coffee. Before I know it, I’m pulling into my parent’s driveway, not knowing how I got here. Thankfully they’re not home, making me not have to repeat the sentence that I’ve had to say all night.
He left me.
Making my way inside of the house, I find my bedroom, collapsing on top of my bed as soon as I see it, letting sleep consume me.
“Honey…” I hear my mom softly whisper and feel her comforting hand running over my back.
Rolling over to face her, I find her sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at me confused.
“Is everything okay?” she asks, knowing the series of events that have played out this week.
Feeling a knot already moving up my chest, tears prick my eyes.
“He’s gone,” I say, the words toxic to my soul.
“Did you guys have an argument?” she asks in her motherly tone.
I wish we had. I wish that was the reasoning. It would make more sense, but Nolan and I don’t argue. Never do we really get mad at each other...very seldom does it happen. We’re perfect for each other. We complete one another.
Shaking my head no, I answer, “No. He just left.”
“Honey, Nolan wouldn’t just leave. He adores you.”
“Well, he did,” I look straight through her, feeling numb, having no feeling at all. “He thinks I’m better off without him. That I deserve better than what he can give me.”
“He’s blaming himself,” she sighs. “He thinks the miscarriage is his fault.”
I nod my head, knowing that was his last straw, believing that the world is against him.
“And you can’t find him?”
I shake my head.
“I’ve searched everywhere, called everyone. He’s gone.”
“We’ll find him, honey,” she says with a tight grin. “He couldn’t have gone far.”
But he won’t come back.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
– ALEXA –
Day 2
Still no Nolan.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
– ALEXA –
Day 3
Nothing.
He’s gone.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
– ALEXA –
“Honey, you have to eat something,” Mom tells me in a worried tone as I once again sit at the dinner table, pushing my food around.
I have no appetite. I can’t sleep. I’m probably going to fail my classes with the amount of time I’ve missed.
I’m empty.
“Have you talked to Kelly at all?” she continues.
“Yeah. She hasn’t heard from him,” I dryly respond.
“Did you hear from the bank today?”
“Yup. Nothing. Our debit account hasn’t been used. Just the one withdrawal the day he…left.”
“What about a safe, sweetheart?” my dad interrupts. “Do you guys have a safe in the house?”
I look up, confused.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Maybe there’s something inside that can give you some hints to where he may have gone.”
For the first time in days, I feel a little energy float through my veins. Something that we haven’t checked! An idea that hasn’t yet been suggested!
Hope.
Needing to look inside of it immediately, I stand up and bring my plate to the kitchen.
“I�
�m going to go check it out.”
“Do you want me come with you?” my dad asks.
I contemplate his question, wondering if I’ll be able to do this. It’s been days since I’ve been to the house. Our house.
“No, thanks. I’m good…I think.”
“Call if you need us, honey!” my mom yells as I rush out of the room, practically sliding down the stairs.
Gripping the steering wheel, I pray. I pray to God for help. To provide me with some kind of information of where he could be. I won’t stop looking for him. I will never give up. Just as I am to him, he’s always in my heart and forever in my soul. Life just isn’t worth living without him in it. I need him. I need him to be happy.
Pulling into our driveway, I do a cleansing breath.
I can do this.
The house is dark, but still smells like him, like us if that even makes sense. It’s a scent of love and happiness…of comfort. This is our home.
Wasting no time, I run down the hallway and up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Opening the closet doors, I see the safe in the bottom left hand corner. Dropping to my knees, I try to remember the code. I know it’s both of our birthdays, but I don’t know the order. Knowing the sweet man he is, it’s probably mine first. He always put me before him. It works and clicks open immediately. It looks like mostly papers–the titles to our cars, tax information, my social security card, our passports. I pause, looking at his. We just had them updated, needing them for the cruise we had planned for our honeymoon. He’s smiling with a big beautiful grin. He was so happy that day. We were so happy that day.
Sighing, I put it with the other papers. Then I see a credit card with both of our names on it. We’ve never used credit cards, just our check cards, but I remember when he got these, saying they were just in case. That we each should have one for emergency purposes only. I quickly search the rest of the safe, looking for the other one, but it’s not there.
Giving You Forever Page 17
