by Jean Ure
She only said about it not being in tune because she didn’t want to make Amanda jealous. Amanda has a voice like a sick cow.
I have given up the idea of asking Dad to come. If he said yes and then at the last minute found he was too busy I would be disappointed and hurt so I think it is best not to raise false hopes.
Wednesday
I looked those words up. It is nausea and womb. Why is womb pronounced woom and comb pronounced coam?
I sent a picture message to Skinny Melon in class today and now we are going to do it all the time but not with Mrs James or Miss Milsom as they can be mean.
Thursday
Green grollies in sicky sauce. Yeeeurgh!
Friday
Horse dropping tart. I just don’t believe they were mushrooms. They were brown. Whoever heard of brown mushrooms?
Dad just rang! He said, “I haven’t got anything special to talk about but I thought I’d call and say hallo and find out how you’re getting on.” I said I was getting on OK except for maths and computers and CDT and also home ec where Mrs Marshall despairs of me. I know this for a fact because she said so. She said, “Cherry Waterton, I despair of you.” This was because I sewed a hem all wrong and she had to unpick it and start again, and when she gave it back to me I said, “I’m left-handed, does it matter?” And of course it did because I sew from a different direction.
I told this to Dad and he laughed and said, “All the best people are left-handed.” I wonder if this is true? I have just realised that old Ratty is, though I didn’t say this to Dad.
So anyway we talked for a bit and then Dad said he had to go but that we must “see each other again very soon”, so before I could stop myself I said why didn’t he come to the school play and hear me sing, but he said unfortunately he couldn’t do that as he is so busy. All these Americans keep coming over and Dad is the only person who can deal with them.
At least it is better to know now than to think he is coming and then he doesn’t.
Saturday
Went shopping with Mum and Roland Rat and saw brown mushrooms! I never noticed them before. But the ones they dished up at school were all soft and squashy so I still think they were horse droppings. I expect they get them cheap by the bucketful.
Sunday
Sereena came over and I taught her how to do picture messages. That girl has a mind like a sewer. All she could think to do was giggle and draw pictures of lavatories and bums.
That’s have and bump. Geddit? Roly Rat is far cleverer than that.
What he would do is:
But Roly is a real artist. Sereena is just stupid. She has a one-track mind. Also she said something which annoyed me so much that I shouted at her. I was showing her some of Roly’s picture messages and she said that personally she thought they were somewhat childish. I snapped, “Oh do you? Well, for your information that is just where you’re wrong. My stepdad happens to be a totally brilliant picture book artist who has had books published in every country in the world. Even in Russia. Even in Japan.”
That shut her up.
Monday
I told the Skinbag about Sereena and Skin said that she sounded like a very obnoxious kind of person. I said that she is and that I hoped now I had snubbed her she would stay away from me. I think she had some nerve saying that about poor old Roly Rat’s drawings. The Melon agrees. She thinks Roly is the cat’s whiskers. She said today that she wished her mum could meet someone like him.
Tuesday
Only 12 days to go till Christmas! Mum asked me this evening what I wanted as my Christmas present and I said, “You know what I want! I want a dog.” She sighed and said, “Oh, Cherry, we’ve been into all this! Roly can’t help being allergic. Don’t be so selfish all the time.”
I don’t call it selfish wanting someone to keep their promise that they made you. I said, “If I can’t have what I want then I don’t want anything,” which Mum said was just cutting off my nose to spite my face. Whatever that is supposed to mean.
I think what it means is that I’m not going to get a dog anyway, so I might as well accept it and find something else. But I can’t think of anything else! Not anything big. I told Mum this and she said that I must be a very contented person to have so few wants. I would be contented, if I could have my dog. I would even be contented living with Slime.
Wednesday
11 days! I am marking them off on the calendar. It is a pity the baby is going to miss Christmas. February seems a long time to wait.
Thursday
10 days!
We had the dress rehearsal for the play this afternoon, which meant we were let off lessons, hooray! I hate Thursday afternoons as it is double maths and Mr Fisher says I am the only person he knows who can take one away from two and make it come to three. I said that was because I am a naturally creative person and he told me not to be cheeky but his eyes sort of crinkled as he said it so I don’t think he will report me.
The dress rehearsal went really well. At least, it did for me. Amanda Miles and some of the others forgot their words and had to be prompted, but I was word perfect. A few of the teachers came and sat at the back of the hall and watched and at the end, one of them I don’t know said, “I like the angels.” Miss Burgess said, “Could you hear them all right?” And he said, “All except the little redhead,” (meaning Amanda, who is carroty) and then he pointed at me and said, “The police could use that one as a siren.” Miss Burgess said, “Oh, yes, we never have any problems with Cherry.” Amanda hated me for it, you could tell.
Friday
Last night old Roly Rat pushed another card under my door. It was quite a nice one, he made it look like a telegram, so I took it to school with me and stuck it on the wall of our dressing room (which is only one of the classrooms by the side of the hall). Everyone wanted to know what it said, so I translated it for them and they all thought it was really good except for Amanda who said she’d sooner have a proper telegram, but nobody agreed with her.
Miss Burgess told me that I ought to keep it as it might be valuable one day. She said, “It’s an original drawing, and your stepfather is quite famous.”
Is he? I never thought of Roly Rat as being famous! I didn’t tell Miss Burgess I had a whole stack of his drawings at home. But I’m glad now that they weren’t thrown out with the rubbish, which is what would have happened if I hadn’t gone on strike. Mum would simply have emptied my waste-paper basket into the dustbin. I like Ratty’s cards and I’m going to keep them to show my own children, if I ever have any (if I am not living in a cardboard box). Not because they might be valuable but because they are funny and interesting.
My performance tonight was quite good I think. At the end all the angels had to go in front of the curtain to be clapped and afterwards I was taken home by Skinny Melon’s mum and her boyfriend, Dire Melvyn, in Dire Melvyn’s car (which is a BMW! Dead posh), as Mum and Ratty are not coming until tomorrow. Dire Melvyn said, “Well, at least we had no trouble hearing you.” and her mum told me that I was a very confident performer. Skinny giggled and said, “She was the Foghorn Angel!” but I don’t mind Skinny giggling as she doesn’t do it nastily.
I didn’t want Mum and Roly Rat coming to the first night in case I had stage fright, but they will be there tomorrow. They are looking forward to it.
Saturday
I was even better tonight! I felt I was really getting into it. I am thinking again about maybe becoming a singer. I know I have the voice for it because that is what everyone says. A vicar came up to me afterwards and said, “Aha! The Angel of the Clarion Call!” Even Mum was impressed, I could tell. And a man from the local paper came to take our photograph and he took one of the angels, and he said, “Where’s the little one with the big voice? (Meaning me.) “Let’s have her in the middle.” Amanda was cross as crabs! She really fancies herself.
Instead of waiting for a bus we all went home by taxi because Ratty said, “It’s the only way for a star to travel.” Mum said, “Well!
I suppose we shall have to pay to speak to you now.”
Monday
Skinny came to school this morning looking dead miserable. I asked her what the matter was and she said, “Nothing.” So then I said, “What did you do on Sunday?” and she said, “Nothing.” I said, “I didn’t do anything, either. We could have got together if I’d known. But I thought you were going out with Dire Melvyn?” She said, “We did.” I said, “So how can you say that you did nothing? You must have done something. Even if you just drove somewhere, that’s doing something. You can’t call driving somewhere not doing anything. Unless you mean you were just sitting there in a great useless lump suffering from brain death. Maybe that’s what you mean?”
She was in a very strange mood. She told me in decidedly huffish tones to just shut up and stop getting on her nerves. Then she didn’t speak to me again until break.
Weird. She is all right now, though.
Tuesday
Hooray! We have broken up. Mrs James said our reports will arrive after Christmas. I am not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. Skinny says it’s bad as they will be hanging over us but on the other hand it avoids any unpleasantness before Christmas. I expect mine will be foul. Skinny expects hers will be foul too though I don’t know why as Skinny on the whole is very quiet and well behaved. I am the one who is always getting told off.
Tomorrow we are going to go out together and buy our presents, both for each other and for other people. We have a rule that we will spend £2 on each other and no more. I think this is a good rule as it stops one from worrying. For instance, if I only bought Skinny a calendar with pictures of dogs (which is what I’m going to do) and she bought me a new pair of Doc Marten’s, then I would feel mean and guilty. Not that she is very likely to buy me a new pair of Doc Marten’s as she wants a pair herself.
Wednesday
I have bought:
A calendar for Skinny Melon, some leggings for Mum, some aftershave from the Body Shop for Roly Rat and a teddy bear for the baby.
It was very difficult knowing what to get for Roly Rat but in the end I thought if I got something from the Body Shop it would demonstrate that I care about the environment and about things not being tested on animals. That will please him.
I bought the leggings for Mum because I am tired of seeing her in those horrible dungaree things and think it will be good for her to wear something bright and pretty when she no longer has the baby inside her and is back to normal. They are a lovely orange colour with swirly patterns in yellow and purple. She will look really great in them. She has nice legs when they are not hidden in dungarees.
I bought something for the baby because although I know it is not going to be here until February I think it should have some presents waiting for it. I thought that a bear would be suitable. There were all different coloured ones, pink ones, yellow ones, blue ones, browny ones, so in the end I got a browny one as we don’t know whether the baby is going to be a boy or a girl.
I have been wondering which I would rather have, a brother or a sister, and I think on the whole I would rather have a brother as it would be something different. I am quite looking forward to it, I suppose, now that I have got used to the idea. Skinny wants to come and look at it when it’s born. She says that she likes babies. I can’t imagine why, since as far as I can see they don’t actually do anything except eat and sleep. Well, they also mess their nappies and sick up their milk and cry a lot and sometimes scream. They also dribble. All of which I think is pretty revolting.
Skinny says this just goes to show how little I know about them. She says that all these things may be true but that when they are not messing or dribbling or sicking things up they are nice and cuddly and what she calls “fun”. She says as well that it is very exciting when they give their first smile and say their first word and grow their first teeth. Hm! We shall see.
Thursday
Today the Skinbag came round and stayed for tea. I asked her if she would like to watch a video of Laurel and Hardy which belongs to Ratty, who has dozens of them, and she said all right so I put it on and it was really funny. I was giving myself a pain from laughing so much, and all the time the Melon is just sitting there glum and gloomy with a face like a wet washing-rag, until in the end she starts to get on my nerves and I switch the video off and snarl, “What’s the matter with you? Has your sense of humour gone?” In reply to which she instantly bursts into tears and informs me that life as she has known it is over.
Well! I am completely taken aback because one thing Skinny is not and that is a watering pot (as Mum calls it). So naturally I ask her why life as she has known it is over, and it all comes pouring out, about Dire Melvyn and her mum and how her mum has just broken it to her that they are thinking of getting married.
My immediate instinct is to remark sarcastically on her sudden change of attitude. Funny that when I used to carry on about old Ratty, the Skinbag could think of nothing better to say than how lucky I was and how any dad is better than no dad and how she wished that her mum would get married again. However, because I am her friend I very nobly suppress my instinct and croon in syrupy fashion that I know just how she’s feeling as I’ve been through it all myself.
“It’s not the same,” she says; “Roly’s nice. Anyone would be glad to have Roly for a dad.” And then she goes into these really loud sobs and says that nobody in their right mind would want Dire Melvyn.
So while I’m sitting there wondering what to say next. Mum comes in to tell us that tea’s ready, and of course she sees the Melon in floods and wants to know what’s wrong so I explain the situation and Mum goes all soft and mumsy (she’s never like that with me) and puts an arm round the Melon’s shoulders and coaxes her out into the kitchen, where Ratty is, and before I know it the Melon’s weeping all over Ratty and saying how Dire Melvyn is the pits and life as she has known it is over.
After a bit, when she’s finished blubbing and has blown her nose on Ratty’s hanky (I wouldn’t! It’s all covered in paint), Ratty asks her what exactly is so dire about poor old Melv. I say, “There isn’t anything dire. He drives a BMW and he gives her money.” But the Melon glowers at me and says he’s got this big fat belly and grey hairs growing out of his nostrils and hands like damp fungus and he treats her as if she’s about six years old. She says it’s all right for Matthew (that’s her brother); he’s hardly ever at home. And it’s all right for the Blob (that’s her sister) because she’s only eight and doesn’t seem to mind if she’s treated like an infant.
“But I can’t stand it!” wails the Melon.
And then old Ratty says something which surprises me. He says, “The poor man’s probably terrified of you. You young girls frighten the lives out of us poor, plain middle-aged men.” I said, “Do we?”
“You’d better believe it!” said Roly.
The Melon hiccuped and said she didn’t see any reason why Dire Melvyn should be terrified of her.
“Because he’s desperate to make a good impression,” said Roly. “He’s desperate for you to approve of him and it makes him nervous.” And then he told her to try being kind to him and to laugh at his jokes and maybe even ask his advice about something, because that would make him feel that he was wanted. He promised that if she did, it would work miracles.
I could see that the Melon was doubtful, but at least it shut her up and stopped her dripping all over the place. When her mum came to collect her (in her old VW) I went out to the car with her and reminded her, in what I hoped were comforting tones, that when Mum first got married to Roly I thought he was the biggest creep around. “And now,” I said, “I quite like him.” I said that what happened was, you sort of grew used to them.
The Melon just gave me this dying duck look and clunked her seat belt. She really is making a big production of it. I suppose she wants to be the centre of attention. Pathetic, really. I didn’t make anywhere near this amount of fuss.
Incidentally, I have discovered what Mum has bought
me for Christmas! It is on top of the wardrobe as usual. She always puts my presents up there. She thinks I don’t know but I found out years ago. It is not cheating to look, as it is only the lesser ones. My big ones she hides somewhere else that I have not yet discovered.
I only took a very quick peek. Some of the things are in bags and when they are in bags I don’t look. That is one of the rules. But I saw a couple of CDs which I really want, so that is good. There are also what I suspect may be books (flat and hard) and some that I think are clothes (soft when you poke them). That is good, too!
Friday
Horrors! Today I had a fright. I went in with Mum to do some last-minute shopping (Roly Rat stayed behind to draw some last-minute elves) and we walked through the tights and leggings department and Mum suddenly said, “Maybe I shall splash out and buy myself a pair of leggings. What do you think?” and she headed straight for the very pair that I had bought for her! Very quickly I said, “You don’t want those. What about these ones?” pointing to some drab and boring ones in plain colours. To my great relief she said, “Yes, I suppose those are rather more suited to a middle-aged woman, aren’t they?” It was a tense moment!
I have wrapped up all my presents in Christmas wrapping paper and put little gift tags on them with picture messages.
