by Leigh James
"Mr. Jordan—" Britta started breathlessly.
My glare cut her off cold. "Please have a bottle of Grey Goose sent up to my room." I sloshed past her. "And if anyone calls for me, tell them to fuck off."
Lowell
I don't want to keep going until we hurt each other. My words rang in my ears. But I was already hurting. I felt as if I'd ripped out my own heart.
I shut my eyes tight against the image of Kyle looking at me like that—betrayed, shirtless, standing in the rain. But of course shutting my eyes couldn't stop the images from playing in my head.
I'd never hated myself as much as I did in that moment.
"Please take me to the Plaza," I told the driver.
I was going to go to my mother's suite, get cleaned up, and take the first flight out of Boston. The idea of dealing with Lucas, Shirley, Gigi, my producers, and everyone else when I got back was sickening, so I shut my mind against it. I would be fine, no matter what.
Because Kyle was better off without me.
* * *
"You look like shit." My mother stood aside and let me in.
"Gee, thanks, Mom." I stood in front of her bathroom mirror and wiped mascara from underneath my eyes.
"What happened?" she asked.
"I'm going back to LA." I shrugged and hustled past her to the suite's kitchen, which she would surely never touch. I grabbed a paper towel and tried to squeeze-dry my hair. "I'm gonna take the redeye."
"What about Kyle?"
I shrugged again, as if I had no answer for her.
"I spoke with Pierce."
All I wanted to do was get away from her and go home. "I heard."
"He didn't seem as interested in me as you said."
I rolled my eyes. "I said he asked about you. I didn't say he wanted to marry you again."
Sighing, she sat on the couch. "You know dear, I'm not as young as I used to be. My options are… more limited."
"Mom, get over it. You're still hot."
"Well, I appreciate that, but I am getting older, darling." She spoke if she was trying to sound dignified. "That's why I need to think about making sure I'm okay in the future. That I'm taken care of. That's why it's so important that you're successful. I need you to be able to take care of us. I was hoping Pierce might be interested so I didn't have to lean on you so hard…"
I looked at her, incredulous. "Are you asking me for more money? After that crazy-expensive trip I just paid for?"
She shifted in apparent discomfort. "You don't have to put it that baldly."
"I'm not being bald. I'm being direct—which is more than I can say for you. How much do you need?"
She shrugged nonchalantly. "Enough for my condo association fees for the rest of the year. And some refreshing." She pointed at her eyes. "My crow's-feet have decided this is a good time for a comeback. I also need to update my wardrobe. I'm starting a new barre class—"
I shook my head, trying to ward off the headache I felt looming. "Now's really not a good time. I just gave you all that money for your trip, and the condo, and I'm probably gonna get fired when I get back."
Caroline sprang up and paced, wringing her hands. "My daughter, the famous actress, can't afford to help her own mother?"
"I can help you, but I can't foot the bill while you live like a billionaire socialite." My mother didn't understand, or didn't care, that this suite at the Plaza alone would cost me over ten thousand dollars by the time she checked out. She'd gotten so used to extreme wealth, it was as if she wasn't even aware of the value of a dollar.
"Well, that's all I'm asking for—help."
"Fine. I can help you get what you need. Maybe not what you want, but definitely what you need. So how much is that?"
"Seven hundred thousand should do it." She didn't even blink.
"Are you out of your mind?" I snapped.
She just looked at me blankly.
I shook my head. "I can't give you that much. I don't have it."
My mother snorted. "You're a famous actress. You have a premiere coming up for a movie that everyone's saying will be a hit. I feel certain that you can help your mother out."
Rage bubbled inside me. I was still too emotionally raw from leaving Kyle to handle this right now. I clenched my hands into fists. "I don't have it. I told you."
"Are you telling me you're going to leave me in the lurch? Let your own mother live on the streets?"
"You don't have to live on the street. You just can't buy a new ballet-inspired wardrobe for a hundred thousand dollars and have your tenth elective plastic surgery. I don't think I'm being unfair."
"I don't think I'm being unfair either." She tried to look serene; I wondered if that was a trick she'd picked up in Japan. "If you cannot or will not help me, I'll be forced to take other action. I have to protect myself, darling. I'm not getting any younger. I have to make sure I'm taken care of."
I stood, my hands shaking, and I grabbed my bag. "Exactly what constitutes 'other action' in your frail mind, Mother?"
Again, she didn't flinch. Fucking yoga. Must've given her all sorts of steely resolve, even though it's wildly misguided.
"Pierce doesn't want this story about you and Kyle to get out. Perhaps I'll let him know that if he wants to be as generous as he should have been during our divorce, it won't?"
I opened my mouth then closed it again, surprised by this new low. "Seriously? You're gonna blackmail Pierce? I thought you wanted to date him again."
"I told you, he didn't really seem interested. He owes me, Lowell. This would be one way of finally collecting on that."
"That's disgusting."
She shrugged. "Not as disgusting as going directly to the press to sell my story. The story of my daughter, the famous actress, hiring a male escort, who happens to be her estranged stepbrother."
I stopped dead in my tracks. "You would do that?"
"You would cut off your own mother?"
"I'm not cutting you off!" I yelled. "I'm saying you can't afford to live like Paris Hilton!"
"You're not leaving me with too many choices, dear."
I dropped my suitcase and stalked over to her, my finger jutted out at her bony chest. "You've got some nerve." I poked her, but she didn't wince. "This is exactly what you were like with husbands one through four. Your greed had no floor and no ceiling. No wonder they divorced your ungrateful ass."
"I can't believe my own daughter would speak to me like this." Caroline actually managed a sniffle.
"You"—I poked her chest again—"are being an ass. I've done everything for you, and this is how you treat me?" I stood back, really looking at her. "You do what you want. Blackmail Pierce, go to the press. I don't care anymore."
I made it to the door before she spoke again. "I guess that means you don't care about protecting poor Kyle either. I don't think Pierce will take it too well, whatever scenario I choose. If this gets out, Pierce will probably push Kyle away again. For good."
My chest heaved, but I refused, I absolutely refused, to cry in front of her. "You leave him out of it."
"You're the one leaving him out of it, darling. You're only thinking of yourself."
I actually laughed, leaning back against the door so I didn't just collapse. "I'm the one thinking only of myself? That's a good one, Mom."
"Your actions have consequences. Just think about what would happen to your career if this comes out. What will happen to Kyle's relationship with his father? And it'll ruin Pierce. His launch will go so far south, it'll be in the South Pole."
"That's the North Pole, Mother."
She shrugged. "Whatever."
"So now you're blackmailing me, too?"
At least she had the decency to examine her nails instead of staring blatantly at my face. "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."
"You aren't a girl." I laughed again, but this time I was closer to tears. "It's official: your lifestyle, your clothes, your pocketbooks, and your face are more important to you than your daughter
."
She looked back at me. "That's not true. But I can't go back to living like a Texan hick. I can't live in an apartment building somewhere and go… grocery shopping. And wear clothes from Target. And watch cable for fun. I'd die like that—wither away."
"I think I'd like to test that theory."
She looked as if I'd just slapped her. "What is the difference with you? You've always supported me—financially and emotionally. Why're you turning on me like this? Is it this boy?"
"He's not a boy. He's a man."
"From what I remember, he was always trouble." She crossed her arms and stood there, waiting for more of an explanation, which was more than she deserved.
"He's changed. He's not like that anymore." I sighed; Kyle seemed like a more mature adult than most people in my life by the nanosecond. "But it's not just him. It's everything that's happened this year: the stuff with Lucas about my weight, that video… and yeah, Kyle. I'm starting to wonder what it would be like to have a normal life." I shook my head, furious with myself. "Ugh, why am I even talking to you? You threatened to blackmail me two seconds ago!"
She smiled a little. "Sorry about that, but you're talking to me because I'm your mother." She came over and touched my hair, fixing it and making me wince. "It's always just been you and me against the world. You can't turn your back on me. I'm your blood. You and I would never do that to each other. Not after your father walked away from us."
I swallowed hard. For all of her faults, I loved my mother. "I'd never turn my back on you, but that doesn't mean I'm giving you seven hundred thousand dollars for pocket money either."
She dropped my hair and stepped back.
"I don't have it, Mom. I'm not saying that to be mean."
"You're not leaving me with a lot of choices, Lowell."
My mother had burned through four husbands and tons of my money with that very tactic: the threat of a temper tantrum and a bitch-slap to the person saying no. But I was no longer negotiating with her. "Do what you gotta do, Mom." I just wanted to get on the plane, go to sleep, and block out this entire miserable day.
In spite of all the Botox, she still managed to look surprised. That did nothing to sway me. For the first time in my good-girl life, I walked out and slammed the door on my mother.
* * *
I was sitting in the waiting area at Logan, extra-large sunglasses plastered onto my face, when my phone buzzed. I looked at it warily. I hoped it was Kyle, then I really hoped it wasn't, because I would probably crack.
It was Pierce. Oh, fuck.
"Hello?"
"Lowell, it's Pierce. Your mother just called me. Again."
"Ugh." That was all I could come up with.
"Did Kyle tell you she called me earlier?"
"Yes… but I'm not with Kyle now, sir. I'm at the airport."
He was quiet for a moment. "You're flying out? Alone?"
"Mm-hmm." I figured the less I spoke, the less of a chance there was I'd cry.
"Well, when she called me just now, she said you were cutting her off and that she's in a tight spot. She said she was going to have to sell your story to the press in order to have enough cash to survive."
Wow, my mother wasted no time. If I weren't so sickened, I'd be impressed. "Are you accusing me or empathizing with me?" I asked.
"Uh… both. I just wanted you to know I took care of it."
I sat there, stunned. "What do you mean?"
"I'm giving Caroline the money she needs in exchange for keeping Kyle's situation… private."
"You know she's just gonna keep soaking you for that, right?"
"I'm well aware of your mother's tactics." Pierce sounded as if he were amused. "I didn't mention it to her just now, but I have some leverage of my own. Just in case she gets out of hand, which we know she will."
I perked up a little at that. "What's that?"
"Just some old personal photos of your mother. From when she lived in Texas. She had big hair. Very big. And do you remember what her teeth looked like before she had them done?" He laughed, and I realized that even though he was talking about revenge-blackmailing my mother, he was speaking of her in doting tones, as if she were a spoiled, naughty, favorite child.
"I thought she burned all those pictures."
"She thought she did too." I could imagine him smiling in his office.
"Well, it's good you have them. You'll probably have to threaten to sell them to XYZ." I hesitated, wanting to ask about his son but also afraid to. "Did you talk to Kyle just now?"
"Yes. He didn't… he was his typical monosyllabic self, but he didn't mention anything about you leaving. But as I said before, I can tell that you've turned into a mature young woman. You're doing the right thing by going back, you know. Kyle needs to get his life together."
"I know." I felt my heart break a little bit more because Pierce was right.
"He starts work tomorrow morning."
"He's going to be great. Your launch will be amazing because of him."
"It'll be interesting to see."
"Are you going to see my mother again?" I asked out of morbid curiosity. He'd been kind about her when I'd seen him, but I still remember their red-faced yelling in those days leading up to their separation. "I'm surprised you're giving her the money and being so… relaxed about it. You were anything but relaxed about the divorce."
"I remember. I hated her with the fire of a thousand suns. I felt like every dollar she took was a slap in my face." Then he… chuckled. "Funny thing. She was such a pain in the ass back then… but it's just sort of boring without her around. You know what I mean?"
I ached without Kyle being next to me, and I still felt the sting of my fight with my mother. Even though I felt as if I'd been alone my whole life, I'd never felt as lonely as I did in that moment. Still, I was doing what I thought was right. For both of them.
"Yeah, I do, Pierce. I know exactly what you mean."
* * *
Tori met me at LAX. She spotted me before the photographers did and got to me quickly. "You look like shit. Keep your sunglasses on and put your hood up. There's a ton of press here."
"Awesome," I said. "Just awesome."
The photographers started calling my name as soon as we got outside. A thousand flashes went off as Tori pulled me toward the Town Car.
"What happened with Kyle? Did you two break up?"
"Are the rumors true? Did he cheat on you?"
"Are you two taking a break?"
"Knock it off!" Tori hollered. "Just let us get to our car!"
She managed to push me through the throng and to the car. We both collapsed inside, exhausted.
"Please get us out of here," she asked the driver.
We sped off into the early morning light. I kept my sunglasses on and my hood up so Tori couldn't inspect me.
"How are you dealing with that?" she asked, motioning back toward LAX.
I shook my head. "I have no idea. Kyle made it a lot better." Saying his name made me choke up, so I was relieved that I had my sunglasses on.
But of course, this was Tori I was dealing with. She put the divider up and turned back to me. "Lo?" She patted my knee. "Talk to me. Where's Kyle? When I got your text to pick you up, I assumed you meant both of you. What happened?"
"I broke up with him," I said, and tears spilled traitorously down my cheeks.
"But I thought you guys weren't even really together," she said, trying to be comforting.
"We weren't." I sniffled.
She handed me a tissue, and I honked my nose into it.
"But?"
"But I still broke up with him." I blew my nose again. "His dad offered him a position with his company—if he agreed not to see me anymore."
"Did Kyle take it?"
I shook my head. "He said… he said he wanted to stay with me." My words came out in puffy little sobs.
Tori patted my knee again. "Aww, that's sweet, Lo. That's really nice."
"I know. He even said he'd q
uit being my escort before we left—but he hadn't told me that before."
"So he was just with you because he wanted to be with you?"
"Yes."
"I think I like this Kyle," Tori said.
"But that's exactly why I had to let him go. I can't ruin his life, Tor. I can't make him miss out on a great opportunity because… because… I'm selfish." I collapsed into tears.
Tori pulled me into her arms and shushed me. "S'okay, Lo. It's okay."
I pulled back and continued to ugly-cry. "N-n-no, it's not. His father forbid him from being with me. And it made sense. Because it makes sense. Then my mother showed up, and she freaked out when she saw him. She asked me for more money—"
"Ugh! I knew she was gonna do that!" Tori fumed.
"And when I said no, she freaked out even worse. She threatened to blackmail me." I tore off my sunglasses and wiped my face. "It's such a mess. I was trying to do the right thing. That's all I was ever trying to do, I swear."
"I know," she said soothingly. "I know."
We were quiet for a minute while I collected myself.
"So… what happens now?" my friend asked.
"Kyle goes to work for his dad. That's the important thing. He'll get the chance he deserves."
"What about you?"
I shrugged. "I go deal with Lucas and Shirley and everybody else who's gonna be disappointed in me. And just pick up the pieces. Maybe… quit the business."
"So that's it? You're just gonna give up? On your career and on Kyle?"
"I'll figure work out." I blew my nose again. "It's not as if I really have a choice about Kyle."
Tori snorted. "Of course you have a choice. You're either going to give him a chance, or you're not going to give him a chance."
"Did you not hear a word that I just said?" I asked incredulously. "His father will do anything to keep us apart. So will my mother. On top of that, there are some minor details you might remember: He is my stepbrother. He is my escort."
