‘So why don’t you admit it? It was Esme who dragged you into all this, wasn’t it? She bedevilled you until you were unable to resist, wasn’t that the case?’
Cobb could see where they were going with this. ‘Not at all, I don’t know what you’re talking about, nothing like that happened. You’re imagining it.’
The man put his hand on Cobb’s shoulder. ‘Let me spell it out for you … it is the Widow Cobb we are trying to convict, not you. If you want to survive this, all you have to do is admit, here in front of witnesses, that she is behind it all. Speak out, naming her and you can go free and she will go to the Grand Questioning. It’s as simple as that.
‘Her life … or yours.
‘Decide.
‘Decide now!’
Cobb lowered his voice and said weakly, ‘If I name her I can go free?’
The man leant forward, ‘Yes, just say her name, we will do the rest.’
Cobb almost whispered, in the tone of a broken man, ‘I … just have to say her name and then I can go free?’
‘Yes,’ said the man leaning even further forward to hear his words.
Cobb had him exactly where he wanted him. He shot his head forward and head-butted the man, who collapsed like a sack of potatoes.
‘YOU CAN KISS MY ARSE!’ Cobb shouted defiantly at them. ‘I’M TELLING YOU NOTHING!’ (He’d decided it was time to go for belligerent.)
Instantly two men put their hands on his shoulders and stood on his lower legs so he was unable to move. Oh well, he thought, here we go. It was fun while it lasted. This is the bit where I end up in a shallow grave in the woods, I imagine, but incredibly, nothing happened. They were just holding him down, no one was attacking him.
Someone leaned over and yanked the hood off his head. His eyes watered as the light hit them and he had to blink hard to clear them. When he could see a bit he looked up to see a semi-circle of people staring down at him. Right in the centre stood Esme, arms folded, with a big grin on her face.
‘I told them you wouldn’t betray me but we had to prove it, so they decided to put you to the test, to see if you would sell me out to protect yourself,’ she said. ‘And you proved them wrong,’ she said with a smile.
Cobb looked around at the rest of the people in the circle. They’re not the Black Guard, he thought, not unless they’re the undercover squad. Everyone was dressed like a farmer, in rough working clothes. He looked around at them and then back at Esme.
‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on?’ he asked her.
‘Well … things aren’t exactly as I’ve been telling you,’ she nodded to the two men holding him down. They stood him up and then untied his hands. As he massaged his wrists to get the blood back into his hands, he watched them pick up the man he had head-butted. The man looked at him as he rubbed his head.
‘No hard feelings?’ Cobb asked him. ‘I thought you were the Black Guard.’
The man nodded, ‘No hard feelings. We didn’t really give you much choice.’
Esme took his arm and led him to a sofa against the wall. He looked around the room, it was fairly large and the walls, the low ceiling and floor were covered with planking. At one end of the room was what looked like a small bar and tables and chairs were scattered around the room. As Cobb looked around the room, he saw the walls were brightly painted and covered in drawings and jokes similar to those he had seen in town. Besides himself and Esme, there were just the half dozen men that had captured and questioned him.
‘What is this place?’ he asked.
‘Lots of farms have these underground storage silos. They’re usually a bit away from the farm in case one or the other catches fire. We’ve just opened this one up a bit and made it a tad cosier. We call it The Lodge.’
‘Is that a bar?’ he asked hopefully.
‘Yes, wait here.’ She went to the bar and got a bottle and some glasses. She came back to the table and poured a couple of glasses. She held one out to him and when he took it she picked the other glass up and swigged the contents back in one go.
Cobb did the same and instantly regretted it. It felt like his throat was on fire and he ran his tongue quickly around his mouth to see if he still had all his teeth. These people not only had poor senses of humour, they also badly needed lessons in making alcohol.
Still … it was the only bar in town so he held his glass out for a refill. This one he vowed to sip.
‘This is … erm … interesting,’ he held up his glass, ‘what is it?’
‘We make it out of potatoes, it’s called … The Potato Drink. Be careful though, if you drink too much you get a bad head next morning, we call it a Potato-Head.’
‘We have a drink made from potatoes back home, it comes from a country named Rooskia. It’s called Vodka and if you drink too much you get what we call a hangover.’
‘Vodka … vod-kaa, vooood-ka,’ Esme rolled the sound around her mouth, ‘I like the sound of that. And if I drink too much I’ll have a … leftover?’
Cobb laughed, ‘No, if you drink too much you’ll have a hangover.’
‘Ah.’ She took another drink and as the others also helped themselves to drinks and settled into seats around them, she just sat there looking at Cobb and smiling.
Cobb watched her smiling at him and he felt like the mouse that looks up from his cheese to find the cat smiling down at him.
Esme looked at him and asked gleefully, ‘I had you fooled didn’t I?’
‘Well at first you did, then I smelt the alcohol on your breath the other night and I knew there was more going on than what you had told me. So I thought I’d find out what.
‘I bet you sing and dance as well, don’t you?’ he asked her.
‘I’m rather good at dancing, actually. If you stick around you may find out,’ she said teasingly.
‘So what was all that about, “It’s God’s will that we are all pious and don’t drink or enjoy ourselves, Blah, Blah, Blah?” ’
‘Well I didn’t know who you were or whether you could be trusted. You get used to telling people only what you are supposed to say.’
‘You’re all Lillibetans, aren’t you?’ he asked.
‘Told you he was smart didn’t I?’ she said to her companions. ‘I’ve told them all about you.’ She held up her hand as he was going to interrupt her. ‘Yes, everything … who you are and where you’re from.’
Someone in the crowd muttered, ‘The Man From Another World.’
Cobb looked at him and was just about to ask him what he meant but then Esme continued, ‘Yes, we are Lillibetans. Not all of them you understand, we’re just the local chapter. The Lillibetans are spread across the whole of Angleland, there are thousands of us.
‘I’m sort of the unofficial leader of the local chapter. It used to be Rufus but when he died they looked to me to take over.’
Which just proved to Cobb the old adage, ‘You can’t judge a book by its cover. If you want to know the truth … you’ve got to flick through the pages.’
‘So what exactly do you hope to achieve?’ he asked her. ‘Overthrow the Dons and the Black Guard? It will take more than scrawling jokes on walls and handing out pamphlets.’
‘We have our plans,’ she replied cryptically.
‘But they have you vastly outnumbered and access to more weapons that I imagine you Lillibetans can lay your hands on,’ he challenged her.
‘That is true,’ she conceded. ‘We’re aware that we need something that will give us an advantage over them. So far we’ve been unsuccessful on that score but when it comes down to it, it won’t stop us trying.
‘Besides, we have friends in high places assisting us. Marcus Quist is one of us.’ She saw the puzzled expression on Cobb’s face and said, ‘Yes, I know, he’s a villain … but sometimes you have to consort with all types to reach a common goal. After all, who better than a villain knows how to get into secret places and how to get things and people past the authorities?’
‘Oh, it’s not that,’
said Cobb. ‘I perfectly understand why you would use him. But what did you mean about having friends in high places? You don’t mean Quist, surely?’
‘Well, Quist has men in Castle Greystone working for him. They’re amongst the staff that runs the castle. Anyway, one day one of them found a letter in the castle addressed to Quist. It was from someone inside the castle and they were offering the Lillibetans their help. The only condition was that whoever they were, they were to retain their anonymity. No effort must be made to try and discover their identity or all contact would cease.’
‘Intriguing,’ said Cobb. ‘But even without trying to catch them making the drop, do you have any idea who it might be?’
‘No, we don’t know if it’s one of the Dons, a Black Guard or what. But his information has always proved genuine and reliable.
‘But enough of that for now, why don’t you stay and enjoy yourself, other people will be joining us later, there’ll be singing and dancing, it will be a great time. Let’s worry about the Black Guard another night.’
Over the next half an hour, other people began drifting in. Esme insisted that Cobb meet them all so that they would still feel secure with a stranger amongst them, in their private place.
There were women as well as men and it soon became obvious that they had all come to have a good time. Much Potato Drink was drunk and they began swapping jokes amongst themselves.
Cobb thought that the standard of jokes wasn’t too high. Like …
What do you call a man floating in the sea?
Bob.
And …
Did you hear about the boy who sat under a cow?
He got a pat on the head.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost Beef.
Cobb smiled politely but Esme could see he wasn’t impressed. She challenged him to do better. Cobb wasn’t one for collecting jokes, he was more into snappy one-liners and smart comebacks but he’d been in enough drinking sessions to learn one or two, so he gave them the benefit of his experience.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
The members of the Lodge loved it. For the first time in a long time they were actually hearing new jokes, so he gave them some more.
Two snowmen are talking and one says to the other, ‘Can you smell carrots?’
Why do Gypsies have glass babies?
Because they’ve got crystal balls.
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one turns to the other and asks, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
What’s a skeleton?
Bones, with the people scraped off.
I went to my doctor and he told me I was too fat and I’d have to lose some weight. I said that wasn’t good enough and I wanted a second opinion.
He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!’
Everyone loved these jokes and he promised to give them more later. Then one of the crowd produced a stringed instrument like a lute and offered to sing a song.
Everyone got fresh drinks and settled down to listen to the singer who had positioned himself on a stool at the front. He started singing and soon had the audience clapping along and joining in on the choruses, even Cobb.
I wonder where the squirrel hides his nuts.
Is it up a tree or in the ground?
It’s the biggest mystery around,
So tell me where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
Old Mrs Squirrel she knows right,
She finds out every Friday night!
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
Old squirrel went down to raid his local farm,
The farmer’s wife thought that he could do no harm.
She made the farmer a nice mince pie,
Put it up on the shelf to let it dry.
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
Squirrel thought he’d have it for himself,
So he hopped right up onto the pantry shelf.
The squirrel went after the farmer’s mince,
So she stood on his nuts and made him wince.
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
I wonder where the squirrel hides his nuts.
Is it over here? Is it over there?
Is it in that ladies underwear?
Oh tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
Old Mrs Squirrel she knows right,
She finds out every Friday night!
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
Old squirrel likes to chase the ladies fair,
With their bright eyes and bushy tail hair.
He chases them around the wood,
But without his nuts it’ll do no good.
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
He likes to chat up ladies in the bar,
He’s a devil and he often goes too far.
One Saturday they threw him out,
‘Cause he’d been waving his nuts about!
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
Old squirrel he’s a rascal, he’s no good,
He chases all the ladies in the wood.
Mrs. Squirrel will catch him one day,
And then she’ll take his nuts away!
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
I wonder where the squirrel hides his nuts.
I’d like to say but I haven’t got the guts.
Don’t answer me no ifs or ands or buts,
Just tell me where does the squirrel keep his nuts.
Old Mrs Squirrel she knows right,
She finds out every Friday night!
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
Old Mrs Squirrel she knows right,
She finds out every Friday night!
So tell me, where does the squirrel keep his nuts?
This was followed by a massive chorus of clapping and cheering. The singer bowed graciously and accepted glasses of Potato Drink as his reward.
Cobb leaned over and said to Esme, ‘This reminds me of what we call “The Squirrel Dance” .’
‘Squirrel Dance? What’s that?’
‘Once around the dance floor and then out for your nuts!’
Esme laughed so hard she spit her drink out and doubled over, trying to catch her breath.
When she’d calmed down and got her breath back, she wiped her eyes and said to him, ‘We’d better be going. I’ve had a long day, take me home.’
They made their farewells and left the underground Lodge. By leaving the main room and closing the door behind you, you could then open the door in the ante-chamber which led to the outside, without spilling light out into the night.
He followed Esme up some stairs and helped her open the outer door. Closing it behind them he was amazed to see that it blended in perfectly in the dark. He could only trust to the Lodge member’s skills to see to it that it remained invisible during the daytime too. It hadn’t been found so far, he reasoned.
He looked around him and found himself in the middle of the clearing, which was where he figured it would be. They joined the track and made their way back to the farm. Esme was humming, ‘So tell me where does the squirrel keep his nuts?’ and occasionally flicking her skirt up and giving a twirl.
When they reached the farmhouse door, she turned to him and he could see in the moonlight on her upturned face that she seemed gleefully happy and her eyes sparkled.
‘I had a great time tonight Rufus. I just wish you could stay longer.’ She kissed him on the cheek and then she was gone, through the door and up the stairs.
Cobb closed the farmhouse door behind him and bolted it. He went slowly up the stairs, undressed, got into bed and thought very hard about Adele.
Some Good News and
Some Bad News
Cobb was just finishing getting dressed next morning when he heard
voices coming from outside. He peered through the curtains. Captain Luther Tendenning was there, talking to Esme.
Cobb opened his satchel and took his revolver out. He broke open the gun and spun the cylinder to see that it moved freely and all the chambers were full. Then he snapped it back into place, checked the safety was on, slid it into his waistband at the back of his trousers and covered it with his waistcoat. Then he went down to join them.
Tendenning was standing next to his horse, talking to Esme. As Cobb came outside he was just saying to her, ‘Well you shouldn’t forget, he may be here now but I’m always going to be around. You should think about the long term. You would do well to remem-’
‘Morning Luther,’ Cobb interrupted him. ‘What brings you out this way?’ (As if he didn’t know.)
Tendenning looked at Cobb for a moment. ‘That’s Captain Tendenning to you.’
‘Sorry, I thought you told us to call you Luther?’
‘Yes, but that was just Esme.’
‘That’s Widow Cobb, to you,’ replied Cobb.
‘I was just on my way to a Heretic burning over at Hampton-In-Arden and as I was in the area, I thought I’d stop by and say hello to Widow Cobb. We go back a long way you know.’ He was obviously wary of Cobb’s presence on the farm, perhaps trying to steal her away, so he thought he’d better put in an appearance and remind her of how he had been trying (very trying) these past years, since she’d lost her husband.
Although Esme wasn’t anything to Cobb he still felt protective towards her when a slime-bag like Tendenning was trying to get around her and for some reason this man brought out the worst in him.
The Londum Omnibus Volume One (The Londum Series Book 4) Page 59
