by Ron Savarese
I push through to the railing and stand with my back to the crowd looking out at the lake. I take one last drag from my cigarette and flick the ashes into the stones and dirt in the corner where the silhouettes of bushes are. The sky is dark.
Something tells me to turn: the same something that’s been following me around all day; the same something I can’t quite seem to grab onto; the same something that brought me here tonight. But I fight the urge and continue to look into the black sky.
The sensation is overwhelming, though. So I give in.
I turn around. And there she is: standing with a few other girls.
I’ve never seen her here before, but there she is: tall and thin, light blue bell bottoms and white sleeveless blouse, wide white belt, shoulder-length golden-blonde hair. She doesn’t look like a local. She glances at me and our eyes meet, but I look away. What’s this—I’m a little shy tonight? Maybe I should get that drink after all—get my courage up.
The blonde walks away from her group toward a table where a dark-haired girl sits. They lean toward each other over the table, giggle, and then glance at me. When they see I’m looking, they look away. A little more giggling, they glance my way again, then avert their gazes. Classic mating ritual. I think I need that drink.
Brown Hair motions for me to come over.
Who me? You want me?
Yes you. She nods, and makes a subtle motion with her hand. The blonde giggles. She gestures for her friend to stop. But Brown Hair keeps waving me on.
Okay… Okay… I take a few steps toward the table. Brown Hair stands up. She whispers something to the other girl. She looks at me and flashes a sly little smile, and walks inside.
Now what am I supposed to do? Are they playing a game with me? Is the blonde going to get up and go inside too? Then what? Do I follow them in? I can’t turn back now. I truly wish I had gotten that drink.
I keep walking. The blonde turns toward me. Our eyes meet. Look at those eyes! She smiles. My heart flutters.
A few more steps. Come on, get hold of yourself, it’s just a girl. But this isn’t just any girl, and this isn’t just any day. This is the Fourth of July, and I’m close enough to see the color of her eyes, and I swear those blue eyes are sparkling. Oh yeah, they’re sparkling. Like a hundred firecrackers crackling, a thousand sparklers sizzling, a million roman candles exploding: diamonds in the midnight sky.
“Hi, I’m Joe,” I say.
She dips her head and glances at me from underneath her silky hair. She opens her mouth and rose blossoms bloom. I swear I can see them. I’m intoxicated. I’m dizzy.
“I’m Jessica,” she says.
I don’t even know if I can talk. I think my mouth is frozen. Come on, there’s got to be some words in there. Say something.
“Nice night tonight,” I say. I look up into the black sky.
Oh come on, you can do better than that. You’ve been with plenty of girls. You’re a veritable Casanova. Certainly, you can strike up a conversation with this girl.
She turns and looks back to see if her group is still there. But they’ve all scattered. Uh-oh she’s nervous. She straightens up a bit and says, “Would you like to sit down?”
I move toward the seat next to her, trying to look cool. I’m not sure how close to sit. So I pull the seat a couple of feet away from the table—far enough to give her lots of space. “I hope I’m not bothering you,” I say. “I thought I saw your friend motioning for me to come over. Where did she go?”
Jessica fiddles with the nearly empty glass in front of her. The candle on the table flutters and makes the blonde of her hair glisten. “Oh, she went inside,” Jessica says. “She’s had a bit too much to drink. She likes to play around like that, especially when she’s drinking.” She shakes her head to flip her hair out of her eyes. “It’s embarrassing. I hope you don’t mind. I think she thinks you’re cute.”
I lean a little closer to her. Your friend thinks I’m cute. What about you, I want to say. But I don’t say it. I don’t have the courage. This girl’s got me flustered. But I’ve got to assert myself or I’ll miss my chance.
“Well Jessica, I think you’re cute,” I say.
Jessica bats her eyes a few times, and turns her head away.
Holy shit! Where did that come from? Did I say that?
She looks back at me and I see those blue eyes again. Her cheeks are flushed and pink. She leans in a little closer and relaxes her shoulders. Now I notice the texture and shape of her lips, smooth and just slightly plump.
I scoot my chair a little closer.
“Well I think you’re cute too,” she says.
I touch one of her fingers. Gently. “Do you have a boy friend?”
Now where did that come from? What’s gotten into me? This girl has gotten into me—that’s what.
She frowns, just a little frown, and drops her head, just a little bit. “No, my boyfriend and I broke up a while ago.”
“That’s too bad,” I say. “I know how that can be.”
I make a decision, at this moment, to ask her out on a date. “Would you like to do something together sometime?”
“Oh, I would like that,” Jessica says.
I nudge her playfully on the arm. “What kind of things do you like to do? Do you like to play miniature golf?”
“Oh, that would be a lot of fun!’ It’ll be okay if I don’t get the ball in the hole very often, won’t it?” She looks helpless and demure.
“Oh don’t worry about that, “I say. “I’ll give you some lessons.”
I must be in heaven. This girl is really something.
“That was the luckiest day of your life Joe.”
Walt?
Why did he show me that?
The light disappears and I’m back in the dark again
THE SNOW CAVE
The darkness of the snow cave closed in on me. Yet I remembered the place of light. I remembered its beauty and peace. The warmth, the cottage, the crystal snow, the boy, the woman in the rose colored dress, and most of all the light. I wanted to go back, but I didn’t know how.
In the billowy fog of my mind, it seemed I was between two worlds just like Walt said. Part of me was here but part of me was somewhere else. Up to this point I had fought for life. I had been unwilling to let go. But now as my strength drained away I was losing my will to live.
It’s over I thought. I can’t fight anymore. As my hands slid to the frozen ground, I felt something in my jacket pocket. I fumbled at the zipper with my numb, swollen fingers. I reached in and pulled out a hard, round cylinder. A flashlight? Paul must have used this jacket recently on one of his snow plowing jobs, I thought, and left it in the pocket.
I pushed on the knob. Dim yellow light oozed out onto the walls of the cave. The faintness of the light, I thought, meant the batteries would soon be dead: just like me. But for the first time since I had fallen, I had a chance to see the place where I’d been trapped. I shined the light along the icy ceiling and the walls of the cave. I turned the light toward my face and watched my breath rise like a fog.
I pulled my jacket sleeve back and shined the light on my wrist. Six! Was it six in the morning or six at night? Could it be that I had only been trapped in the snow for three hours. Or was it the next day?
It didn’t matter. I had light. I unzipped the other jacket pocket and reached in. I pulled out a lump of something and a piece of paper. I held them in the light. What’s this?—a Snickers bar and a twenty-dollar bill.
Oh great, I thought, money—just what I need—a lot of good that’s going to do me now. I rested the flashlight on my stomach and tried to open the Snickers wrapper, and as I did, the flashlight dimmed and the candy bar fell out of my hand.
In a fit of anger and exasperation, I hit the flashlight on the ground. The light flickered on and off. And each time the light flickered, my will to live flickered with it. When the light went out completely, I threw the flashlight. I heard it bounce, then nothing more.
I reached around on the frozen ground and tried to find the candy bar. I found it, but my fingers were too numb to open the wrapper. Damn, damn, that I had been so drunk out there in the storm that I threw my gloves away! So I bit through the wrapper into the half-frozen candy. A piece of the wrapper got caught in my throat and made me cough. Finally, exhausted, I drifted off to sleep.
“Well, this is quite a mess you’ve gotten us into, Joe. But don’t worry, I’m here now.”
What the hell is that? I struggle in the dark to see where the voice is coming from.
“Who’s in here?” Warm air flows over me, the caress of exhaled breath flitters across my face. I sense the presence of something nearby. “Walt? Have you come to take me back?”
Ice particles fall on my face.
“I wish it was that easy Joe. But this isn’t Disneyland. You’re not in Fantasy Land anymore.”
“Who are you? Show yourself!” Again, the warm breath. The smell of stale whiskey and cigarettes.
“This is real now, Joe. How long do you think you can hold out in here? Look at you. You’re a mess. One too many shots—huh, Joe? You won’t last another half-hour without me.”
I wave my hand from side to side, but feel nothing. Why is this thing taunting me? Am I hallucinating again? “What do you want with me? Can’t you see I’m hurt and trapped? Who are you? Are you a friend of the boy? Do you know the woman in the cottage? What about Walt?”
I thought I was out of this cold, dark place. Didn’t the child lead me out? What happened to the warm bed? It can’t be that I’m back in this goddamn cave again. I try to feel the surface around me. Sharp cold rock. Maybe whoever this is can lead me out. Maybe I can cut a deal with this thing.
“Okay, okay. I’ve made up my mind. I’ve made my choice—I want to go back to that place of light—I have friends there.”
“Hah! You want to go back to the place of light, huh?— and see your friends? Well isn’t that nice. Sorry buddy, they can’t help you now.”
Wild laughter echoes in the cave. I cover my ears with my hands.
What does he mean I can’t go back? I thought Walt said I had a choice? Was there an expiration on the choice?
“You think you can just slide out of here and get into heaven. Oh no. No one gets into heaven for free. You’ve got to pay a price for heaven. Everything has its price, Joe. Everything is a deal. You know all about deals. Don’t you, Joe?”
Heaven? Do they really call it heaven? Does that mean I’m in hell? I sink low to the ground, crouching, trying to evade the thing. Its voice seems to have grown louder—so loud that it shakes the walls and floor.
“What do you want?” I moan. “I’ll give you anything?” I dangle the money in the air. “Take it! I’ll give you whatever you want—whatever I have. Just get me out of here!”
Again, the wild laughter. I cover my ears and head. “Listen to him! He thinks he can buy his way out.”
I push my hands against the frozen ground and lift my head to rest it against the wall. “Why do you taunt me? Who are you? Show yourself—goddamn it!”
It’s quiet for a while. All I can hear is the thing breathing. In and out.
Then a dim light comes on in the cave—a single round light bulb dangles from a thin black cord. It hangs from the ceiling above my legs and casts a gloomy yellow glow on a huge thing sitting across from me.
The thing seems to have a head and body made of dark gray fog or mist, but at the same time it looks like a shadow. It fills the entire cave. It wears a dark overcoat and black hat that brushes against the cave’s ceiling. A cigarette juts out from the place where its mouth should be.
“Who are you?” I cry. “What are you? All I can see is shadow.”
“Oh, you should know me well by now, Joe. I’ve been with you a long time.”
I rub my eyes. This can’t possibly be happening.
“What’s the matter? Still don’t recognize me Joe? I’m the one who brought you your success, the one who drove you day after day, the one who taught you how to win, the one who helped you get all the things you wanted in your life. Without me, you’d be nothing. Oh, Joe,” the thing says, sighing.
“The things I’ve done for you. You know, it’s not easy being me, Joe—the unappreciated one. How would you like it? You really should be more gracious. You’re the one who got us into this mess, and now you want me to get us out. That’s the way it’s always been—I don’t know Joe, looks like the only way out is for you to die.”
The shadow laughs its horrible laugh again. It takes another deep breath then exhales. The cave is silent. I dare not move or speak. I don’t want to make it angry.
“What do you mean by that?” I whimper.
The shadow is calm now. “Don’t worry Joe. I’m not going to let you die. Not without a fight. It’s a good thing you’re a fighter, Joe. You see, if you die, you go on. But not me. I’m not so lucky. I can’t go on with you. I need you to stay alive until someone rescues us. I need you to keep feeding me, Joe.
“Right now I need you to fight for your life. Because your death is the end of me and I’m not going to let that happen.”
With that the shadow sucks us up and out of the cave.
We float in the air above the street where I had lived as a child.
We hover for a while above my childhood home, then glide over the trees and rooftops half a block away to Albert’s house. We hover outside Albert’s bedroom window for a moment then float through the wall into Albert’s room. This is the night of Albert’s birthday party. I look at the shadow for some clue as to what’s in store for me, but it doesn’t look back. It just floats in the air, cigarette hanging from its gaseous mouth, arms folded across its chest.
“What are you going to show me, Shadow?”
It doesn’t speak.
We’re floating around in this room and no one can see us. But I see myself—I’m a teenager sleeping on the floor next to Paul and Albert—they’re teenagers too. I gaze in disbelief and turn toward the shadow, when, without warning, it spins around and lifts us up through the ceiling of the house. There, in the darkness, I see the iridescent glow of a reddening sky.
Below us, the three boys race toward the reddish glow. A metallic clattering of sirens and bells fills the night air.
A fire truck screeches to a halt on the street in front of my house. Three firemen jump out. They pull a long gray hose off the truck and carry it to the house. They aim the hose and spray water at the flames roaring from the upstairs windows.
I’m watching a scene from my childhood. A memory I thought I had buried long ago.
“Oh no! Not this! Why are you showing me this?”
The shadow doesn’t speak. We drift in the street in front of my house. And I begin to remember something— something I had forgotten I even knew. The lantern! Oh my god! The lantern! “It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t!”
Small, glowing red circles, the size of quarters, appear in the place of the shadow’s eyes. A darker, gray circle appears at its mouth. The faintest outline of a face begins to form.
“This is your guilt. Remember Joe? You were in the basement that afternoon. How many times did your father tell you not to play with that lantern? But you didn’t listen. You loved to light that lantern, didn’t you?”
“Yes, yes!”
“You forgot to turn the knob to extinguish the flame. You left the lantern on the table next to your father’s workbench and ran out to go to Albert’s party didn’t you?”
“Yes, yes, I remember now!”
A dawning sense of horror rises in my chest.
“The dog knocked the lantern to the ground late that night.” The entity says. “The glass burst, the kerosene splashed onto the wooden workbench. That’s where the fire started. Your mother and father and your brothers were all asleep. Smoke and fire drifted up from the basement and filled the upstairs of the house.”
“No. No more! I don’t want to know. I don’t want to see a
nymore. Please. No more. I beg you. Please.” I can’t turn away. I see my mother and father, and my brothers sleeping. I see the black smoke. It fills their bedrooms and billows out the windows. I see the flames lick toward the upper floor. I drop to my knees. I hold my head in my hands. I stand up. I run toward the house.
“Save them!” I yell to the firemen. “Please save them!” But just before I reach the firemen, I’m repelled by a force. I push hard against it. But I’m repelled again.
“Relax Joe, they can’t see you—or hear you. We’re not here to change what happened, Joe. They’re dead.”
No! No! No!
The firemen pull my family out of the house before the flames reach them. They place the bodies on the front lawn and pull gray covers over their heads. The bodies lie on the ground with gray covers over them and then I see my yellow blanket covering something else on the ground and I realize that something else is my dog Paddy.
I fall to my knees.
It was the lantern! Oh my god! I forgot about the lantern! Did I cause the fire?
The shadow fades away; the red eyes and gray mouth fade away. Its face becomes the face of a man.
I’m looking at myself.
“Guilt Joe, it’s been with you a long time. You’ve carried the guilt of that day all of your life. Your earliest memories shaped your life Joe. Even when we think we can’t remember, the memories stay with us and form our beliefs.”
“I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it! It wasn’t my fault!” I cry. “I should have been in the house with them! Why wasn’t I there? Why did I have to go on living? I should have died with them!”
“You owe me one—because I made sure you weren’t in the house that night, Joe. Don’t you remember how you told your mother you thought Albert wanted a spend-the-night party for his birthday? Who do you think gave you that idea? It was me—I planned the sleep over at Albert’s—I saved you—see how you owe me?”
“You son of a bitch!” I lunge at the shadow and swing my fist at his head. My fist flies through the mist; my body spins around. I swing again, aiming at what would be his chest. “You son of a bitch, I know who you are now—I don’t owe you anything! All you’ve ever done is cause me pain! You’re never satisfied are you? You want more and more and more. The more you have the more you want!”
