By the time Selena set off for her cabin, it was mid afternoon. On the bright side, she felt much more familiar with her surroundings after the day’s journey. She managed to get back to her cabin without running into anybody, and set about changing to drier clothes in her room. Just as she finished switching shirts, her front door slammed. She spun at the sound, cursing herself for forgetting to lock it. No voice called out, so she was immediately on guard. Striding quietly to her door, she peeked out just in time to see Clint coming towards her bedroom. She quickly shut the door and locked it, now feeling totally alarmed.
“Selena, open the fucking door,” he growled from the other side.
She began pacing in front of it, trying to think. Her windows were high and narrow and she would have to smash them to climb out if she could reach them. The door wasn’t very strong, and the lock was a simple one. If he wanted to, he could probably bust it open. Her knife was in the other room. She cursed under her breath, trying to fight off her growing panic. She leaned against the door for reinforcement and tried talking him down.
“Clint, I want you to leave.”
“I said open the fucking door,” his tone was low and steady.
“No. You have no right to be in my cabin and you’d better go or—”
“Or what?”
Her mind was reeling and she couldn’t think of an answer, but his footsteps quickly receded from her door. She put her ear to it and listened to the sound of him shuffling through her things. Oh God, she thought, casting about for anything that could help her, finding nothing. She didn’t know what he was doing, but she guessed it had to do with getting the door open. All too soon, his footfalls returned and she heard the sound of metal on metal. Oh God, Ben was right. Ben was right, she thought, frantically trying to hold the doorknob in place. Her heart thundered in her ears as she heard a scraping sound. Too soon, the handle jerked violently and the door was thrust open.
Selena sprang back across the room as the door swung wide to reveal Clint’s grim visage as he stood, motionless, on the threshold. She saw a savage hatred in his eyes as he dropped the big needle she used for sewing. He paused, breathing heavily and staring at her from across the room. He was out of control, she knew, and tried to hide her terror.
“Get the fuck out of my room, Clint,” she hissed with as much menace as she could muster. “Whatever you do to me, I promise that you are going to get hurt bad. Think, Clint. What will the others do if they find out you did something to me?”
“I don’t give a fuck about them,” he spat, coming closer. “They are fucking idiots. In fact, I should have grabbed you and rode right out of here as soon as you showed up.” The distance between them was closing as he finished, “Sometimes, you gotta take what you can get.”
He darted forward faster than she would have believed, slamming his hands against the wall on either side of her. Her own came up instinctively to shield her, but he held himself away. With obvious relish, Clint drew himself closer with agonizing slowness until the few inches between them began to close. He was trying to make her afraid, she realized then, and it was working. Her mind flashed back to that night in the woods. She had almost been in the exact same situation with Dan, but while her fear had seemed to deter him, Clint was feeding off of it.
His hands snapped suddenly to her waist and she jumped, yelling involuntarily. She tried to pry them off, but he squeezed hard, pressing her up against the wall. She swung quickly for his throat and the blow landed, but without much force because he was so close. He coughed and cursed under his breath, catching her wrist and slamming it against the wall. His other hand went frantically for her shorts and she seized the opportunity to pound his ear hard with her other fist.
“Selena?” Blaire hollered outside, just as his vice-like grip closed around her other wrist.
Her knees almost went out from under her then, but she forced herself to stay upright. “I’m here,” Selena yelled back, her voice cracking with the hysteria of relief she felt.
“You are one lucky bitch,” Clint told her, glaring as he pulled himself away. Selena didn’t move as he turned his back to her and walked out. She could hear Blaire coming up the steps.
“Thanks, Selena,” Clint called over his shoulder as he walked out the front door. “Hey Blaire.” He greeted her casually, and then he was gone.
Selena sat on the bed, hanging her head between her knees for several seconds before forcing herself to her feet. “I’ll be out in a minute,” she called to Blaire. Her hands shook violently as she numbly replaced her damp shorts with dry pants.
Should she tell her what had happened? Not yet, Selena decided. She wouldn’t do or say anything until she had calmed down and found time to think. When she felt she had herself under control, she stepped out into her front room.
“This is some nice work,” Blaire said appraising the tight stitching that made Selena’s clothing endure so well.
“Thanks,” she replied as steadily as she could.
“We were wondering where you ran off to. Hadn’t seen you since breakfast. You missed lunch. Started getting worried.”
“Oh, I was just out getting to know the area.”
“Well I forgot before, but I’ve been meaning to tell you that Becky’s birthday is in a few days. Truthfully we don’t know exactly what day it is, but it was on the new moon when she was born so we just celebrate at that time of the month. We only really bother with these things for the kids. Makes us parents happy. My Tim’s thirteen now and he doesn’t like us celebrating for him. He’s an adult, he says.” Blaire chuckled at that before continuing, “Anyway if you wanted to make her a little something, I know she’d love it. So would her parents. Only if you have the time, though.”
Selena nodded and managed a weak smile as she struggled to listen. One minute it’s rape, the next minute it’s children’s birthday parties, she thought, struggling to feign normalcy. Blaire had continued to talk, but Selena didn’t hear her until she turned to go.
“Well, I’ll leave you to your work,” she said, heading for the door. “Oh, and I think Dan was looking for you. I don’t know if he was just wondering where you were or if he wanted to talk to you.” Here she shrugged, “You know him. I think he’s at his cabin. That’s the second behind the kitchen.”
The door closed and Selena collapsed onto her chair. As an afterthought, she jumped up to bolt it, just to be safe. He probably wouldn’t bother her again so soon, but she wouldn’t take any chances. She was beginning to wonder if Clint was smarter than he made out to be, and that made things a whole lot scarier. Sitting down again, she laid her head in her hands. The slimy feeling of him leering so close flashed through her and Selena shuddered violently.
“Ugh!” She groaned involuntarily, then stood and kicked her chair over. Feeling like she needed another swim to clean the feeling of his filthy hands off her waist, Selena unbolted her door and walked out. Her mind floundered trying to understand what she’d done wrong. She had tried so hard, and Selena knew now that she’d reached the end of her rope. Whether it was her fault or theirs, she could not live alongside men.
When Selena knocked on Dan’s door, it opened promptly. He stood aside and let her in, saying nothing. She didn’t even know why she was here. She’d already made her decision.
She strode in as if she were in a dream. Everything felt surreal. All she managed to observe was that his cabin was orderly before he gestured for her to sit. When she took a chair, he dragged another to face her and sat down as well.
“Selena,” he started, looking away and absently rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not trying to make things hard for you. I just need you to be willing to cooperate. Keeping people safe here is my job. While you’re here, that includes you, whether you like it or not.” He paused, and it occurred to her that he was trying to be tactful. “I know I dragged you out here and you’re used to living a certain way, but …” he couldn’t seem to find the right words.
Selena sighed. S
he knew what was coming, and she didn’t have the energy or the will for it.
“Where were you today?” he asked, plainly.
“Getting familiar with the area,” she replied flatly, finally feeling as unconcerned with his opinion as she’d meant to be all along.
Dan had no idea what had happened less than twenty minutes ago, so she couldn’t fault him for being bothered by her indifference.
“Selena,” he replied firmly, still clearly trying to be patient, “I need you to agree with me on something. I need you to try not to go off alone, especially without telling anyone. We go in pairs when we leave camp, especially if you are ranging any distance away. I’m glad you didn’t go far, but you know that so soon after our raid we have to be on guard, and as far as I knew, you could have been anywhere.”
He watched her for some sign of understanding.
“Dan,” she hung her head and let her air out slowly, “I don’t … I can’t—“
He sighed in exasperation, shaking his head. “Why do you have to make my job so difficult? I can’t keep you safe. You won’t let me.”
“Your job?” she echoed, rising slowly to gaze out the window. Selena tried to formulate a sentence that would make sense, but all she had were fleeting husks of thoughts, “I can’t do this anymore,” she answered finally. “I can’t. This isn’t working. I don’t understand anyone.” She had to force herself to breathe in before going on, “I don’t understand you. I don’t know how to do this.”
Her emotions began to rise again and she managed to fight off the urge to cry, but only by tapping into her frustration once more. She had endured too much. As she turned to face him, Selena found Dan still in his chair, searching her with his eyes. She could see him processing her words, but he was too guarded to respond openly. That was just the way he was, and Selena had no more patience for guessing.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she repeated firmly. She didn’t know why she had bothered to stay so long in the first place. She should have left as soon as she had the chance. Then why do I feel so bitter? she wondered. But the answer was crystal clear in that moment. For some crazy reason she couldn’t account for and against all that was sane in her, Selena had really wanted him. Stiffening visibly at the realization, she walked to the door and turned before leaving. Dan was standing now, but that was all he was doing. “Don’t worry, Dan. Your job is going to get a whole lot easier,” she finished.
“Wait,” he said, following her to the open doorway. His eyes narrowed as they bored into her. For an instant, it looked like he knew that there was more to her feelings than met the eye. Now she read concern on his face.
“You’re caring? Now?” she cried. “What a magnificent change of heart!”
Selena was losing control, she realized vaguely. It burned that he was perceptive enough to know that something had happened to her, because it meant that he had always been that perceptive. It also meant that he had probably been right about everything, and maybe even understood his effect on her completely.
He didn’t answer, only studied her, his mind working. Suddenly she was furious. How could he understand so much and still be so insensitive and always so harsh? She began to turn to the door again.
“Selena,” he said clearly.
“What do you want, Dan?” Her question came out hoarse and loud. “What do you want?”
He frowned, looking taken aback, and she stepped out backwards, shutting the door so she wouldn’t have to look at him anymore. She was through.
Selena promptly returned to her own cabin and did just what he had told her, weeks before. She took only what she brought with her. It wasn’t a lot so she was finished quickly. There would be no goodbyes. She didn’t want to give anyone the trouble of trying to talk her out of it, and she did not want to be tempted to listen. Hurrying out of her cabin, she almost set out on foot before deciding to impose on them for one thing. She wanted to be gone fast.
When she found Star’s bridle, Selena set out into the little meadow where the horses liked to graze. Having ridden with Selena before, the mare came right up to her and allowed her to slip the bridle on. Clint is a disgusting person, she thought furiously, and Dan is a callous jerk. If everything I do is a mistake, then they really are better off without me.
Again, she held back the tears of a disappointment that she did not want to acknowledge. Selena had hoped she could make it work, but this had all been a mistake. Living with others could never work out. Not for her. This much had been proven.
Leading Star back to the tack room, she quickly got the animal saddled up. She would send her back when she had put some distance between herself and this place. Scooping up her things, she mounted Star easily, and reined her towards the path out of the valley. Well, I did my best, she allowed herself with finality. She knew it was the truth.
As she rode onto the path, she heard Dan call her name from somewhere behind. Looking over her shoulder, she saw him coming briskly towards her. When he saw she was mounted, he stopped. With a last, difficult look, she gave Star a kick and they flew up the path.
“God dammit!” Dan cursed behind her.
Selena heard a sharp, piercing whistle. If he was going to follow, Buck would have to be tacked up, and that would take time. Her head start would be enough.
Selena soon reached the crest of the hill. Her wide-open world of loneliness sprawled out ahead of her for countless miles in every direction. She knew what to expect of it, and found that reassuring. Once again the land would be her only companion, and the land was something she knew how to live with, so with Star there to help her, she was running again.
Ten
The warm evening sun was still over an hour from setting as she rode. She couldn’t head towards the town. The remnants of Jake’s posse could be hiding anywhere, so she doubled back into the hills, circling the valley on its eastern side. The dusty land was dotted with shrubs and sandstone rocks. The horse could easily stumble on something unseen, but she could not afford to tarry.
Selena hadn’t liked the sound of Dan’s voice when she’d gone. She understood the tone. He was going to try to bring her back, or he was going to force her, but she was sick of being forced, and he didn’t understand that she couldn’t be safe with them. She couldn’t be herself. She would always be in danger, and she was not going to tell Dan she needed his protection. She hated it, but the truth was that as long as she lived among others, Selena would need protection, and she didn’t know if she could ever admit it aloud, much less offer herself up to someone to get it. She had learned her lesson from Clint. It seemed it was the law in this new world of anarchy that, until she was claimed by a man, she couldn’t live among any others. Selena resented them all for it, especially Dan. She would keep her independence and dignity, even if it meant never seeing another human being again. She would not become someone’s possession and whether they believed her or not, she could damn well take care of herself. She just had to do it her way.
These thoughts ripped through her mind the same way Star’s hooves tore into the dusty ground, but while she was furious and frustrated, her mount seemed only to be exhilarated. Selena quickly looked over her shoulder to find that she was leaving a high trail of dust behind. He would know exactly where she was if he managed to reach the top of the hill soon. Sure as the sunset, her skin was beginning to prickle.
“Shit,” she cursed weaving higher into the hills. Casting frantic glances behind her, she spotted his own plume rising behind him. Another good look revealed Dan tearing around a mass of shrubs and barreling after her at a dangerous speed. It wasn’t like him to be reckless, and the sight was jolting. She didn’t want it to be like this. She didn’t want to be his quarry. It wasn’t fair. Selena hadn’t asked for any of this. She didn’t know what lay beneath his icy, controlled exterior, but he could never hide the burning intensity that was always in his eyes. She had known it was there from the beginning, but realized now that she had never grasped the measure of it.
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br /> Images of the raid flashed through her mind in a flurry; images of his enemies falling around him in the dark forest. Then she remembered Susan, and what had passed between them before Dan had led her husband off to fight. Time had seemed to slow during both moments, and the world had felt unreal. Selena knew she was out of her depth, and maybe she was going to drown after all.
Another quick look over her shoulder revealed that he was closing the distance alarmingly fast. Urging her mare forward again, she cast a hopeful eye on the approaching redwood trees. She had never once escaped him, but maybe this time.
Selena could hear Buck’s thundering hooves behind her, and they were steadily growing louder. She wouldn’t look back. It’s just like that night in the woods and I’m letting it happen again, she thought, seething at her helplessness. Why did I come to him? Why didn’t I just leave? But she knew the answer. Some part of her mind had wanted him to make it all go away, to hold her and tell her everything was okay. Now she knew that she had unleashed a far more potent force than the one she had only barely escaped hours ago. Strangely, she found herself more frightened now. There were too many strange feelings.
Inevitably, when she was only seconds away from the trees, he pulled up alongside her. She slowed to whirl in the opposite direction, but he was ready for it. In a dizzying moment of confusion, she felt herself hauled from her saddle before his horse suddenly stopped. Hanging from his one arm around her waist, she struggled to wriggle free, but he slid off of Buck and brought her down with him.
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