No one would blame them. Although Seth hadn’t said as much, she gathered that Lola’s fate was to be decided on Monday when the specialist handed down his verdict. Reading between the lines and judging by Seth’s low-key delivery, she suspected that he wasn’t anticipating a miracle. Which meant that the decision to turn off Lola’s ventilator wasn’t far off.
“Vivian. Come settle an argument for me,” her mother called from across the room.
She was talking to Seth’s mum, Angela, and Vivian circled the couch to join them.
“How many times did you move home before you finally got it right? I can remember at least two.” Her rings flashed in the sunlight as she rested a hand on Vivian’s shoulder.
“Seth came home three times,” Angela confided. She was wearing her salt-and-pepper hair in an asymmetrical cut these days, a look that really suited her long face. “Although it wouldn’t surprise me if he slept in his car a few times over the years to avoid having to face his father again.”
“So, let me get this straight. You guys are having a competition over who raised the biggest loser? Am I on the money?” Vivian said it lightly, but she was pleased to see her mother squirm a little.
“No. Of course not. We were just reminiscing,” Angela said.
“You’ve got to admit, Viv, it took you a while to find your feet,” her mother said a little defensively.
“Yep. I’ve never been one of those people who likes to buy out of the box,” Vivian said. “I guess Seth is like that, too. It takes longer to find your way when you’re traveling in uncharted territory.”
She didn’t wait for them to respond, sailing off to the other side of the room to offer some caramel brownies to Seth’s father. The urge to find Seth and vent to him regarding their apparent status as the family disappointments was irresistible, however, and she walked into the kitchen in search of him.
“Have you seen Seth?” she asked her sister.
“He’s out by the pool talking to Dennis and Melissa,” Jodie said, busy setting up cups for coffee and tea, a sure sign the party was winding down.
Vivian moved to the patio door. Sure enough, Seth was outside talking to Lola’s parents. She was about to join them, but something gave her pause. The way Seth was standing, perhaps, his back straight, his chin slightly raised.
As though he was staring down a challenge.
Dennis and Melissa looked tense, too, his expression serious as he banged his balled-up fist into the palm of his other hand.
Okay. Maybe she wouldn’t go out and bitch to Seth right now.
Ten minutes passed before the Browns came inside. They seemed subdued, and immediately said their goodbyes. Vivian was passing the milk jug to Seth’s elderly neighbor when Seth entered. It took only a single glance at his face for her to know that something was very wrong. Leaving Mrs. Cottrell to find the sugar herself, Vivian crossed to Seth’s side.
“Are you okay? What happened?” She reached out to touch him and the moment she lay her hand on him she could feel how wound up he was.
“I need to check on Daisy,” he said.
He was gone so quickly she was left blinking, her mouth open. When she turned around, she realized Jodie had seen the whole thing. Stupid, self-conscious heat rushed into her face.
“We should probably start packing away some of this food, huh?” She moved to the table and started to consolidate leftovers onto a single platter.
Feeling indescribably foolish, she waited for Jodie to say something. During the course of the day, Vivian had woven a false sense of intimacy around herself and Seth. She’d been thinking about him so much, analyzing her emotions, watching him. She’d been in his room, in his bathroom. She’d felt close to him, and she’d been worried for him when she saw his face just now.
But all that had been in her head, and Seth’s reality was obviously far different from hers. There was no reason at all why he would choose to confide in her, of all people, when he had a houseful of friends and family. Why would he, when their relationship, such as it was, was based on sexual attraction and propinquity and not much else?
The moment stretched, but her sister remained blessedly silent. Slowly Vivian released her breath.
At least she didn’t have to suffer the ignominy of trying to explain her upset to her sister.
Hell, she could hardly explain it to herself.
CHAPTER NINE
SETH SAT ON the end of his bed and stared at the pink, scrunched-up face of his daughter. All day long people had been calling her beautiful, but he was under no illusions. Right now, she resembled a baby monkey more than the chubby-cheeked cherubs on the covers of the books he’d been reading.
He didn’t care. To him, she was the most fascinating, compelling creature ever to draw breath. He could spend hours mesmerized by her steady regard, and he couldn’t get enough of her sweet, warm scent.
She was a part of him, the best part of him, and he loved her so much it made his chest ache.
He glanced at his watch, aware of the pull of duty. He needed to go play host to his guests. More importantly, he needed to find Vivian and apologize for blowing her off.
After talking to Dennis and Melissa, the urge to hold his daughter, to look into her face and breathe in her smell, had been overwhelming. He’d still been reeling from the conversation he’d had with Lola’s parents, and Vivian’s concern, the touch of her hand, the worry in her eyes had been too much to handle. He’d been holding himself together with rubber bands and superglue for the past week, and at that second he’d felt dangerously close to breaking.
But Vivian didn’t know that. She knew only that he’d brushed her off like a stranger.
A tap sounded at the door.
“Seth?”
He recognized his mother’s voice.
“It’s not locked. Come in.”
The door opened and his mother peered in as though afraid she was interrupting something. “I just wanted to let you know that we’re going.”
“Right. I’ll come out.”
“Is Daisy okay?”
“She’s fine. I was making sure she was dry.”
His mother nodded, and he settled Daisy into her crib before heading for the kitchen. It soon became obvious that his parents weren’t the only ones leaving, and he listened patiently as people offered unsolicited advice on raising a daughter before saying their goodbyes. When the exodus ended, he discovered that Jason, Jodie and the boys were the only ones who hadn’t abandoned him.
“Where’s Vivian?” he asked, earning him a sharp look from Jodie.
“She left just before Mum and Dad,” she said.
Damn. Why could he never seem to get things right where she was concerned?
“I’ve put the leftover salad in the fridge, and divided the quiches and party pies into smaller batches and put them in the freezer. Should keep you going for a while.”
“We’re taking the cupcakes and the brownies home with us,” Sam reported importantly.
“Just as well, because Daisy hates cupcakes,” Seth said.
“Ha! Daisy doesn’t even have teeth,” Max said, clearly delighted by his own knowledge.
“I’ll pick up my coffee urn next time I see you,” Jodie said, gathering her bag and coat.
It hadn’t escaped his notice that both she and Vivian had worked their butts off for him and Daisy today. Another debt he’d never be able to repay.
“I owe you,” he said simply. “I couldn’t have done it without you. Or Viv.”
“It was fun. Jase, can you help me with these platters, please?”
“Already on it,” Jason said, his arms full.
Jodie’s expression softened. “That’s why I love you. Always one step ahead.” She kissed his cheek.
“Get a room. Blah!” Max said, Sam quickly chiming in with his own gagging noises.
“Excuse me,” Jodie said, eyes wide. “Where on earth did you get that saying from?”
“Relax, they don’t even know what i
t means,” Jason said. “They might as well be saying ‘get a banana.’”
“I wish they were.” The outraged expression eased from her face. “All right, double trouble, to the car.”
There was a last-minute scramble to collect Hot Wheels cars, handheld games and sweaters, then they were gone and Seth stood in his empty house with nothing and nobody to distract him from his thoughts.
She’d be better off with us. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll acknowledge that. We can give her everything she needs.
Melissa’s heartfelt words echoed in his mind as he tidied the living room. Maybe he was naive. Maybe he should have anticipated this. Dennis and Melissa lived far away, and they were about to lose their daughter. It didn’t take a psychology degree to work out that they must be desperate for something positive to cling to.
And yet he was surprised. Beyond surprised, actually. He was stunned.
Because Daisy was his. She belonged to him, and he belonged to her. The thought that someone might expect him to give her up, to hand her over, had never crossed his mind.
Still, he’d promised Dennis and Melissa he’d think about it, even though his knee-jerk reaction had been to tell them where they could stick their offer. He’d held back because he felt sorry for them, because he knew that they would be facing great sadness in the days to come. But as Dennis had made his arguments, and Melissa had chimed in with her own thoughts, Seth had started to understand what they were offering.
There were two of them. They had an established home. They’d already raised two children. They were still young and active enough to take on the challenge of a child. Financially, they were stable, and it would be no problem at all for Melissa to quit her job and care for Daisy full-time.
On paper, they were ideal. Far better suited to raising a little girl than a single, thirty-four-year-old guy who owned a bar and had spent most of his life avoiding being tied down. It was a black-and-white, cut-and-dried decision—on paper.
But no logical assemblage of facts and details could capture the way he felt about the tiny being sleeping so soundly close by. Daisy was his girl. He adored her. Even when she cried for hours on end, his only thought was to comfort her. She’d had the rockiest start in life, and he was determined to make it up to her.
But what if he wasn’t the best person to do that for her? What if this love he felt, this overwhelming need to keep her safe and protect her, was just a selfish manifestation of what he wanted? What if she needed more than his devotion?
Whenever he asked himself the question—and he’d been doing so ever since Dennis and Melissa had presented their offer—everything in him recoiled from even contemplating it. But he had to. He had to look it in the eye and force himself to consider what the Browns were offering.
For Daisy. Because he would have only one chance to get it right. What had Vivian said that night in the pool? You don’t get do-overs with a kid.
He was painfully aware of it, and had been ever since Lola had told him he was going to be a father. Vivian was the only person he’d voiced his doubts to, however. She was the only one he’d felt he could be honest with, without fear of judgment or being misunderstood. She’d never bullshitted him, or held back, and he trusted her with his frailties.
She was the only person who would understand the dilemma he faced, too. Jodie and Jason would be angry on his behalf, their instinct being to circle the wagons. His parents would think he was looking for a way out. But Vivian...she would be honest.
Suddenly urgent, he headed for Daisy’s room and started packing her diaper bag.
* * *
VIVIAN DID SOME yoga when she got home, repeating the “salute to the sun” until her arms and legs were shaky. Afterward, she lay on her mat and tried to clear her mind of the jangling anxiety that had kept her on edge since leaving Seth’s place.
She was worried about what he and the Browns had been discussing by the pool—even though it was absolutely none of her business, times ten. She was worried that her sister might suspect that her feelings for Seth were more than they should be. And she was worried that her sister was right. Most of all, she was worried that she had no idea what to do about all of the above.
She was doing some breathing exercises when a knock sounded at the door. Lifting her head, she debated answering for a beat. She hadn’t met any of her neighbors yet, so there were only so many options for who might come calling unannounced—her sister, or Robin. Pushing to her feet, she dusted off the seat of her pants as she crossed to the door, then pressed her eye to the spy hole. She went very still when she saw Seth, a frown on his face as he stared away.
As though he already regretted his visit.
“Where’s Daisy?” she asked as she opened the door. “Oh.”
Daisy was nestled into the portable baby carrier at his feet, her blue eyes blinking at Vivian curiously.
“I know you’ve already given me most of your day, but I need another ten minutes,” he said.
“Okay,” she said, more than a little baffled. “Come in. Do you need me to look after Daisy? Has something come up at work?”
It was amazing—and scary—how easy it was to push aside her hurt simply because he’d come to her.
He entered the apartment, glancing around briefly before placing Daisy next to the couch. His dark eyes were stormy when they met hers.
“I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?”
A dart of panic shot through her. What was he about to ask her? Then she gave herself a mental shake. He had not driven to Brunswick to interrogate her about her feelings for him.
“Yes. I think so.”
“I mean real honesty. The kind that hurts.”
“That’s my specialty where you’re concerned, remember?”
“That’s why I came. You’re the only person I could think of who wouldn’t tell me what they thought I’d want to hear.”
“Do you want to sit?”
Seth glanced at the couch behind him. “I guess.”
He was so tense, and obviously preoccupied. He sank onto the couch, moving Daisy’s carrier closer to his feet. Vivian sat on the ottoman at right angles to him, a small, distant part of her brain marveling that Seth Anderson was in her apartment, and that he’d come to her for counsel. She’d had her fair share of fantasies starring him over the years, but none had looked like this.
“So. What’s going on?” she asked simply.
“Do you think I’d be a terrible parent?”
“Is this something to do with the conversation you had with Dennis and Melissa today?”
“Is that your way of avoiding answering?”
“No. I don’t have a problem answering your question. If that’s what you want me to do.”
His gaze never left her face as he waited for her answer. Her brutally honest, frank answer.
She took a moment to gather her thoughts. “Okay, here are the things I know about you. You’re way too confident for your own good. Despite that, people respond to you because you’re charming. You’re a dreamer, but you know how to buckle down when necessary. You’re smart. You’ve made a success of yourself. You’re impulsive. Playful. Creative. Surprisingly moral for a card-carrying hedonist. And you’ve got a big heart.”
“How do you know that?”
She understood he was asking her to justify her last assertion. “Because I’ve seen you with Sam, with Max, with Daisy. And because no matter how this pregnancy came about, I’ve never once heard you bad-mouth Lola or try to weasel out of taking responsibility for your own actions.”
“Doing what any decent human being would do is hardly grounds for a ticker-tape parade and marching band.”
“In theory. In practice, there’s a reason the phrase deadbeat dad exists.”
“Okay. So?”
She studied his face, taking in the worry in his eyes, the stubble on his cheeks, the faint stain on his shoulder. She’d bet her favorite pair of Jimmy Choo shoes that he’d just fin
ished feeding Daisy. She wished like hell that she knew what had precipitated his question, but that wouldn’t change her answer.
“I think you’ll be a good dad, Seth. Not perfect, because no such thing exists. The fact that we’re even having this conversation tells me you’re going in with your eyes open and that you care. A lot. You’ll do whatever it takes to give Daisy a happy, safe life.”
“What if the best way of giving her that is for her not to be with me?”
She sat back, shocked by the question. Then the penny dropped. “Is that what Dennis and Melissa were talking to you about?”
“They want to take Daisy. They think they’re in a better place to provide for her. There’s two of them, they’re comfortable financially, they’ve raised kids. They said I could visit whenever I wanted, that Daisy could come here on holidays when she’s older. That they’d never stop me from being a part of her life.”
Vivian was so gobsmacked she couldn’t breathe, let alone think or speak. Daisy was Seth’s daughter as well as Lola’s. He was her father. The Browns had no place to even consider taking away that right.
“What did you say to them?”
“That I’d think about it.” There was a bleakness in his eyes and a steely note beneath his words that sent a chill down her spine.
If Seth thought Daisy would be better off with the Browns, he’d let them take her. There wasn’t a doubt in Vivian’s mind he loved his daughter that much.
“Seth, listen to me.” Urgency pushed every other consideration aside as she grabbed his hand, determined to get through to him. “Daisy needs you. You’re her father. She needs exactly what you have to offer—boundless love and a good heart and all the goodwill in the world. That other stuff means jack.”
Seth stared at her, his expression unreadable. She gripped his hand tighter and gave it a shake.
“You love this little girl. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do this. It will be with you every day. Every day, Seth. So what if you’re not perfect? Who needs perfect? You and Daisy are amazing together. Please don’t let them guilt you into doing something that will kill you.”
Her Kind of Trouble (Harlequin Superromance) Page 16
