It works, and she scowls at me. “Funny, so where are you going dressed like that?” and just like that, she’s okay.
We walk into the sitting room, and I sit on the chair while she sits on the couch. No doubt so she can get a better look at me. She’s weird like that, having to look at me while I talk to her.
“I’m going to see Luke later on.” I sound miserable even to my own ears. I hate that I let my emotions show. It’s something that I’ve tried to train myself not to do. Most of the time it works, but around Sabine, it seems as though the harder I try the easier it is to read me.
“Okay, so since when did seeing Luke have you so down? Having second thoughts after all?” Her tone is sympathetic, she knows me too well. That and she told me from the beginning that I’m better than the arrangement we currently have.
“It’s time to end it Sim. I deserve better than being treated like some sort of whore. For once in my life, I want to come first. I deserve to come first.” I try not to cry. I don’t want to, I want to be strong.
“Oh, Moy! You’re not a whore. You do come first. You come first to me. When you find the right guy, you will come first to him too. Your Daddy is a sorry excuse of a man for ignoring you after your Mom died, and you’ve been treated like you don’t matter for too long. You need to break the cycle. Once you do, you’ll be happy Moy. And that will be the day I’ll be happy.”
Sabine’s right; it’s a cycle that has been going on for way too long. I expect to be treated like I don’t matter, but this time I expect more. I always thought that when I fell in love, I’d be blissfully happy. I was so very wrong.
“I know, that’s why I have to end things. It’s going to hurt, but I have to do it.” I watch as she stands and walks over to me. She doesn’t hesitate, just climbs onto my lap and hugs me. I lean into the hug trying to remember the last time I received one. I can’t remember it’s been that long, it was probably by Sabine.
I lay my head against her shoulder and let her comfort me. “When are you going to Luke’s? I’ll be here when you get back with ice cream and wine.”
This, this right here is why she’s my best friend. I don’t even have to ask her to be here she just knows that I’ll need her and she’s dropping everything to comfort me.
“I think the sooner, the better. I need to get it off my chest and come home and get drunk. So, no wine. Whiskey. I’ll need Whiskey, loads of it. Hopefully, it will get me drunk and numb quicker.”
“Okay, Whiskey it is. I’ll go now, stop off at home and pick up Tootsie, then go to the store. After that, I’ll be back here.”
Tootsie is her 100lb Rottweiler, I laughed when she named him, although he is the sweetest dog you’ll ever meet, he’ll also tear your throat out if you hurt his Momma.
She gets up and looks at me, “Moy, if you need me to hurt him just say the word.” She has such a fierce look on her face that it makes me want to laugh, just picturing my five foot three best friend trying to hurt all six foot of Luke.
I stifle my laughter as I follow her to the front door “Is that a threat? You do realize that I’m a police detective don’t you?”
It’s her turn to laugh. “Of course I do and it’s not a threat really, it’s more of helping a friend in need. Toodles Moy, I’ll see you soon.” She’s still laughing as she leaves my house.
I watch the door as it closes behind her, and I suck in a deep breath – now to focus on what I need to do. It’s going to hurt, but in the long run, it’s the best for us both. I got up and walk to the kitchen counter to pick up my keys I tossed when I came in. I leave my house and get in my car hoping that I make it through the conversation with Luke without crying.
I don’t know how I made the twenty-minute drive across town, it was a blur, almost as if I was driving on auto-pilot. I’m now sitting in the parking lot of Luke’s building, trying to gather the courage to get out of this car and walk up to his apartment.
What the hell are you doing Morgan? This isn’t you! Fear doesn’t cripple you. You own your fear! Get out of this vehicle and do what you have to!
I take a deep breath and open my car door and climb out, my legs feel like jelly, and I tighten my legs to stop me from falling. I hold onto the car door as I start to regain the full strength back.
When did I become such a chickenshit?
As soon as I can, I walk towards Luke’s apartment, I push the buzzer for his apartment, and it’s not long before I’m buzzed up. The butterflies in my stomach are rampant; every time I get close to him, they go crazy. This time they are mixed with anguish as I know that this will be probably be the last time I’ll see him on a personal level and I know I’m going to miss him really badly.
It’s going to be even tougher knowing that I’ll still see him on a professional level. That will be the worst, him being so close, yet so far. It’s one of the reasons I have been having second thoughts, usually, when you and a guy break up, you try and have the cleanest break you can, this may be a clean break, but it could sure get messy fast.
I make it to the first floor and knock on the front door, I’m shocked when Scott opens it. “Damn, Morgan, what happened to your face? Are you okay?” There is genuine concern in his voice, and I’m shocked, I thought he mustn’t like me, because usually when I arrive, he leaves as quick as he can.
“I’m okay, just part of the job.” I tell him honestly, and it is, but I can tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t agree, so I quickly change the subject, “Is Luke here?”
I watch as his face changes, he flashes me a sly smile. “Yep, he’s in his room. Go ahead and go in, I’m going to leave you to it.” He holds the door open wide for me to come in.
“There’s no need to leave, I’m not going to be here long, I just want to talk to Luke,” I tell him as I pass by him, again I catch his face change, this time it’s worry that is clearly etched on his face.
I quicken my pace - I don't want to know why he has a look of worry on his face. I have enough of my own to contend with. It will only lead to more of an indecision, and I can’t do that right now. I’ve made up my mind. I’m standing in front of Luke’s bedroom door and once again I take a deep breath, this time I brace myself for what’s about to happen.
I knock, and I can hear him walking around, it seems like an eternity before he finally opens the door. Holy Mother of fuck. Why does he do this to me? I think I may be drooling. I swallow hard as I look at him in just his jeans - standing at the door with a smirk on his face.
The man is lethal. I mean L-E-T-H-A-L. He doesn’t have a six-pack, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t take care of himself, the guy is perfect, he’s lean but muscular, yet rugged. I do happen to like the rugged hairy chest look, I can’t seem to drag my eyes off it. Suddenly my mindless drooling is stopped short. There’s a black t-shirt in the way, my eyes snap up to Luke’s face, and I see he has a scowl on his face, damn, my face. I keep forgetting about it, I hope he doesn’t make a big deal out of it.
“Well are you going to stand there all day or are you going to come in?” There’s teasing in his voice, and it snaps me out of my musings.
I walk into his room and stand close to the bed, he closes the door and faces me. I’m so confused, I look at his face again, and this time there’s a small smile. Is he not even going to mention the black eye? I know I didn’t want him to make a fuss about it, but damn, not even a how did that happen? Are you okay? It shows that I’m making the right decision, that I’m nothing more than a quick fuck to him and that hurts me more than anything.
I feel my bottom lip start to quiver and I know that I need to say this quick and get out of here before I break down. My heart feels as if it’s splitting into two. I take a deep breath and bite my bottom lip to stop the quiver.
“I didn’t expect you this early, I thought I was coming over later?” Luke asks, and I honestly can’t remember where we were meant to meet.
“Hmm, um well I need to talk to you. It’s important, and I couldn’t put
it off any longer.”
Oh wow, here I go. I need a drink. Something strong, I feel as though I’m about to fall apart and I know if I were to look at my hands, they’d be shaking. I start to wring them together in hopes that Luke doesn’t see them shake.
“Are you pregnant?” he asks with such disgust that I’m taken aback.
“No! And good thing I’m not if that’s how you would take the news. Look, Luke, I can’t do this anymore. Every day it gets harder to walk away, and I know that if I don’t do this now, I’ll never find the courage to do it in the future.” My voice cracks on the word future, as I know that we no longer have one, in fact, I’m coming to the realization that we were never going to.
I can’t look at him, looking at him means looking into his big brown eyes, and I can’t do it.
“Morgan, what’s going on? I thought everything was going well?” He actually sounds confused and shocked.
“Well? Yes, I suppose well is right, I mean the sex is fantastic, but Luke.” I can’t help it, I break, and I let the lone tear fall. I do the stupid thing of looking at his face, and his face is ashen, he’s staring at me in shock.
Whatever he sees in my face makes him move. He’s coming towards me, and I hold up my hands, stopping him in his tracks, He can’t touch me! If he does, I’ll lose all the strength I have, and I’ll buckle and just say the hell with it and continue in a one-sided love affair.
I take a deep breath and continue. “Luke, I need a relationship. I deserve better than being treated like a prostitute, hell at least prostitutes get paid. I deserve to be loved for once in my life. I deserve to come first! I can’t continue to do this with you Luke, I’m in love with you, and I know that you will never return that feeling. That’s okay, so to save myself from any more heartache I have to end this.” More tears are falling, but I don’t care. I’m so proud of myself right now.
I looked him in the eye and told him I loved him and got absolutely no reaction. I’ve made the right choice.
“Morgan.” It’s a tortured whisper of my name. He coughs as if that might help him find his voice. “I knew you cared about me, but love?” he shakes his head like he’s unable to comprehend the words and feelings involved in loving someone.
“Stupid me huh?” I say on a fake laugh and watch as he shakes his head. “Look, Luke, I happen to know what it’s like to try and get someone to love you and I can’t do that again.” I see the confusion in his eyes, at my words.
“You know what the funny thing is Luke? It’s that I tried to get my dad to see and love me after my mom died, but it didn’t work. I learned the hard way that you can’t make someone love you. But I always thought that when I found a man I loved, that he will sweep me off my feet and show me what being loved truly felt like.”
“Morgan, I don’t know what to say.” He says quietly, interrupting me as he does.
I ignore him and continue with what I was saying. “Funny, that the man I love doesn’t feel the same.” He looks to the floor almost as if he’s ashamed. I never wanted him to feel bad for his feelings.
“Please look at me, Luke?” He does as I ask and those amazing brown eyes are looking at my face, I take them in, savoring them.
“Don’t feel bad. It is what it is. Just know Luke, that you are an amazing man and when you are ready to love, I know that in my heart that the woman you fall in love with will be exceptional.” This time when he moves towards me I let him. He brings his hand up and caresses my face, I can’t help but lean into it, knowing this is the last time he’ll touch me.
“Morgan, that will never happen. I have an amazing woman in my arms, and I’m letting her go because she deserves better. Know this Morgan, if I could love anyone in this world, it would be you.”
I nod, this is it. The end.
I lean up to him on my tip-toes and lightly kiss his lips, a goodbye kiss. His lips are cold, but I don’t care I love the feel of them against mine. I sigh into the kiss, and it sends Luke over the edge, he puts his hand into my hair and tugs - my head moves backwards, and I gasp in surprise. He takes full advantage of the opening and teases me with his tongue, at first it’s tender teases, just a little bit at a time. It’s oh so good, I know this has to stop, but I can’t force myself to stop it.
Luke then speeds up the kiss, he’s punishing me with this kiss, it’s the long goodbye that I don’t ever want to stop, but I need to, if I don’t this is going to lead somewhere delicious but wrong. I reluctantly put an end to it. I place my hands on his chest and push gently. He gets the message and stops, pulls back and looks down at me.
“You sure this is what you want?” He sounds so unaffected by this, and all I want to do is cry.
“If you feel that you need to go, I won’t stop you, Morgan.”
“That right there is why I need to go. I need someone who will fight for me.” My strength is back, and I’m determined to make it out of here intact.
“I don’t know what you want me to say?” This is the second time he’s asked me this question.
I sigh, “There’s nothing left to say.”
I start to walk towards the door, walking around him as I do. As I reach the door, I look over my shoulder and see that he’s not far behind me.
“Be happy Luke,” I don’t give him time to respond as I open the bedroom door and walk towards the front door. I spy Scott out the corner of my eye and see him look up at me, I turn to face him, and the kind smile he gives me is my undoing, the tears fall, and I don’t stop them.
I carry on walking throwing him a small wave and a sad smile as I do, and he waves back but looks to the right of me - I know that Luke is behind me now. I keep my head high as the tears fall fast and freely down my face. I make it to the front door and make my exit.
Once the door is closed behind me, I let out a rush of breath. I don’t stop, though, I make it downstairs and to my car, once inside I look up to Luke’s floor and see him by the window. The tears are coming so fast that my eyes are blurry. I wipe my face and start the car, I reverse out of the parking lot and onto the street. I’m lucky enough that the tears have stopped.
I drive home relatively slow, but as soon as I get home, I let out a sigh of relief as I see Sim’s car outside. I park and make my way indoors, she’s by the door as I come in, as soon as she sees me she holds her arms out for me. I run into them and wail, the sounds coming out of me are horrendous even to my own ears. I collapse against her as my knees buckle, and I go down bringing her with me. She just tightens her arms around me and rocks me as I cry.
Chapter Five
Luke
I don’t know what the hell just happened. I’ve never seen Morgan look and sound so vulnerable. I watch as she walks out of my apartment with her head held high, I know that she is putting on a brave face. I heard the hurt in her voice and saw the tears in her eyes, but Morgan being Morgan, she covers it up and stands tall. She acts as if nothing fazes her; I noticed that about her from the very beginning. It’s one of the things that drew me to her.
She doesn’t even look behind her as she leaves the apartment and my chest tightens, I place my hand over my heart and start to rub hoping to ease the tightening. I cross the sitting room and look out of the window, and watch as Morgan rushes out of the complex, her head down and she’s walking fast.
I watch as she gets into her car and just sits there - while I’m looking I see her look up at me. Even from here I can see the tears and hurt in her eyes. Seeing that it makes me feel like an asshole, knowing that I caused this. That I’m the root of her pain. I want to punch something, hurt something, do something. But I know there is nothing I can do to stop her from feeling like this.
Morgan wants me to love her, I just can’t do that. Alex made sure of that. I hate her even more. Because of her, I’m hurting a woman I really care about. I wish it were different.
“You okay?” Scott asks, breaking the silence.
I turn and look at him and see the worry in his eyes. “Yeah, why wouldn’
t I be?” My tone is sharp, I don’t want to talk, especially about what’s just happened, but knowing Scott, he’s not going to let me get out of this conversation.
“Are you serious right now?” The anger coming from him takes me by surprise; I don’t understand why he is so mad.
“How the hell can you stand there and act as if everything is okay when Morgan just left?”
“Leave it alone Scott. It’s none of your business!” I tell him getting annoyed.
“Not my business? Hell Luke, you’re my brother, and I know that Morgan is the first person you’ve been with since that bitch.”
Oh, fucking hell, I definitely don’t want to get into this discussion.
“That look in your eyes. That’s what this is about. That bitch! It’s been years Luke, when are you going to realize that she played us both?”
“I know she played us both. I know she was trying to get to Sophia. I know all those things. But I should have known them back then, I shouldn’t have allowed her to get that close to us. So close that she ruined our relationship and plotted to hurt Soph!”
I’m angry now, not at Scott, but at myself, all that anger that I have been holding onto starts to surface and I try to tamper it down, Scott doesn’t deserve this hatred.
“Oh, for fuck's sake! You are not to blame Luke, how the hell were you to know what she had planned? Hell, we didn’t even know the bitch was related to Soph. You are not to blame Luke, and I can’t believe you have thought that these past few years. Look I get that it was a fucked up situation for anyone to be in, but especially the two of us. You can’t continue to let it rule your life. Not everyone is Alex, and not everyone is out to cause our family harm. Morgan loves you, and because you are too scared to get hurt, you’ve let her walk away.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not scared to get hurt. That’s not the reason I let Morgan walk away. Did it not occur to you that Morgan deserves someone who loves her? That someone isn’t me. Anyway, who are you to lecture me on relationships when you are still being a dick and not going after Hailey?” His face gets red, and I know that he’s getting angry. I may have pushed him too far.
Deadly Past Page 5
