Love after Marriage

by Chandra, Bhagya

  Roshni felt that somebody just pulled the rug from under her feet. She was shocked, angry, and frustrated. All her dreams shattered in a moment. It felt the earth was opening and engulfing her. She trembled and lost control. She stood at the edge of the table and quickly grabbed it for some support.

  This was a big blow to her self-respect; she felt rejected. She experienced myriad emotions: disappointment, anger, hatred towards Deepak for not telling her, hatred towards Sashank bhaiya for not being honest, and toward her babuji for not finding out more details about Deepak’s views on marriage. She was unable to control her tears. The more she thought about it, she became fearful… What if this guy was already married? What if he had a family in the US? Maybe he tried to explain to Sashank bhaiya, but bhaiya never listened to him? She thought, Oh, Devi Maiya! What just happened?

  After a few seconds, she gathered some courage. “Deepak, would you mind if I asked you one more clarifying question?”

  Deepak nodded.

  Roshni wiped her tears. “You mentioned you were not ready for this marriage.”

  Deepak nodded in affirmation.

  “Did you not want to marry at this time, or did you not want to marry me?”

  Deepak felt thunderstruck. He was unsure what Roshni was trying to ask him. “Does that make a difference? Why do you ask?”

  “Yes, it does. Your logic to not get married at this time and your views on love marriage are in alignment.” She thought for a moment and continued, “However, if you did not want to marry me, that tells me something else.”

  Deepak interrupted her. “Like what?”

  “Is it possible you are interested in somebody else, or…?” She wanted to ask him if he was already married but hesitated.

  This was a big jolt to Deepak; he never anticipated such a question from Roshni. He had heard she was very honest and open, but to ask this question directly needed some courage, and she definitely had it. He was put on the spot. He was in a dilemma to answer her. He had already caused much suffering to Roshni, and he did not want to lie to her anymore. He struggled internally, not knowing how to communicate his feelings to her. There was a delay in his response, and his silence spoke volumes to her.

  Are my suspicions right? Does he have a girlfriend, or is he already married? she thought.

  Roshni repeated insistently, “Deepak, are you interested in somebody else, and is that why you felt forced into this marriage?”

  “NO,” responded Deepak emphatically. “I was not ready to get into a relationship with a stranger.”

  Although his relationship with Karen meant nothing, he felt he needed to be honest with Roshni. He sighed. “Roshni, I will share all the details, and all I ask is please allow me to finish. I know you feel offended and you are angry at me, and…and you have every right to be angry, but please listen to what I have to say,” he pleaded.

  He hoped for some patience and understanding from her, but she was already very agitated. She tried to be calm and wanted to know the details from Deepak and sincerely hoped he was telling the truth. She nodded. “I am listening, please continue.”

  “I wanted to pursue a relationship with a girl in the US, and I came here to discuss this with Sashank bhaiya and–” He stopped abruptly.

  Roshni was shocked. What!

  “Yes, she is an American and works with me, but we never socialized together. I do not know any other details about her, as a person I liked her, and that is all! Keep in mind this was just a thought at that time.” He hesitated. “And I hoped to talk to Sashank bhaiya about her and then proceed to get to know her better.”

  Roshni listened intently to Deepak.

  “Sashank bhaiya does not believe in love marriages so the topic of this girl never even occurred with him. We discussed compatibility in love marriages and arranged marriages.” Deepak paused; he recollected his conversations with Sashank bhaiya. “Whatever I said about love marriages bothered Sashank bhaiya, and I could not say anything more.”

  Deepak continued looking at Roshni. “He is so impressed with you, and he thought you were the right person for me! I guess he knows you enough that he felt both of us will have great compatibility and a happy married life.” Deepak waited to see if Roshni had any questions, but there was no response from her.

  He continued, “So it had nothing to do with this girl or with you. I was not sure of getting wedded to a stranger.” He moved a step closer to her. “I even suggested to Sashank bhaiya that we could get engaged now and get married later, but because of the VISA formalities, this idea was opposed as well.”

  He was lost in thought again, recollecting the conversations he’d had with Sashank bhaiya.

  Roshni heard him talk, but she lost respect for Deepak and could not confide in him. Nothing mattered now. Both were quiet, lost in thought. A few minutes later, Roshni wiped her tears and looked at Deepak. “So, Deepak…where do we go from here?”

  Deepak was muddled; his mind went blank. He was aware he’d hurt Roshni’s feelings. He respected her and certainly had not intended to torment her, but the entire conversation turned out to be catastrophic. He’d inflicted enough pain and decided to remain silent.

  Roshni felt miserable and betrayed. She could not control her tears, and they trickled down her cheeks. She started taking off her jewelry in disappointment. She was in a daze. Some of this jewelry fell on the floor, and some was on the corner of the table adjacent to the couch. She did not pay much attention, and finally she removed the bracelets that Sashank had gifted her, welcoming her into the family. These two bracelets slid from the table and were about to fall when Deepak stepped forward and caught them before they fell to the floor…a symbol of hope; would he hold onto the marriage?

  Roshni regained her composure and wiped her tears. “Deepak, I feel humiliated and am deeply troubled. I feel belittled. I am a very open and honest person and certainly expected the same from you.”

  She cried and, with a voice trembling with outrage, said, “I believe two qualities that are absolutely essential for any relationship and very true of husband and wife are trust and commitment. Affection, love and compromise come as we move on. I entered this relationship with full confidence in you and your family, and was fully devoted to making this relationship work.”

  She looked at him. “I believe in arranged marriages and love after marriage. I may seem conservative in my thoughts, but…but it is obvious both of us differ in these philosophies. It was your mistake entirely not to discuss any of this with Sashank bhaiya or me.”

  She took a deep breath. Deepak began to see some of Roshni’s personality traits again. He looked at her and secretly admired how well articulated she was in communicating her feelings; she was so mature!

  She was enraged and bore strength from her anger. “After hearing all that you said in the past several minutes, I have lost all faith and confidence in you,” she snapped at him and grabbed her change of clothes from the suitcase and walked to the bathroom.

  This was indeed a very powerful statement from Roshni, and Deepak stood still. He stood there with the bracelets in his hand, staring in her direction as she walked away.

  He was responsible for all of this mess, and he’d behaved very immaturely and certainly not up to Roshni’s expectations. He left the bracelets on his carry bag, which was next to the sofa, and sat on the sofa, running his fingers through his hair, perplexed. He began to ponder over the conversations they’d had; all this could have been handled very differently! Unfortunately, a lot of damage had been done to Roshni and to their relationship, and it was his fault entirely.

  Inside the bathroom, Roshni leaned against the wall and wept like a little child. She gradually pulled herself to the floor, covered her face with her palms, and cried. Why did all this happen? Her dreams were shattered, her life at a crossroad! It hurt her to hear she was a stranger. It hurt when Deepak talked about compatibility because she knew she was a very flexible woman. It hurt to hear that he wanted to pursue a relationshi
p with somebody else. All this was a big blow to her dignity. She felt degraded. What should she do? Where should she go?

  The promise to her father came to her. What should she do about the promise to her father? How would he react to all this? She worried that if Babuji found out about this, would he be able to take this shock? Many thoughts and many questions, tears continued to roll down her cheeks.

  It had been a while since she entered the bathroom, and Deepak was concerned. He waited and waited, and finally, he had to knock at the door to check if she was all right. She did not respond to the knock, but pulled herself up from the floor, wiped her tears, and quickly changed into a comfortable salwar kameez (night dress). One more knock by Deepak and she unlocked the door and walked out.

  Deepak walked to her. “Roshni, as I mentioned, I need some time to sort through all this.”

  Roshni did not care to listen to him and walked away. She grabbed a sheet and settled herself on the sofa. Deepak tried to talk her into sleeping on the bed, but she refused, leaving no option for Deepak but to relax on the bed.

  Of course, with all that had happened, neither of them slept. Deepak was pondering over the conversation and his immaturity, trying to figure out how he could rectify this.

  Roshni was on the sofa, wiping her tears that did not stop. Finally, she established to herself that it was not her fault, so she should not feel dejected and sad. She should not behave as a loser but move on with her life – without Deepak. She had no feeling any more, no sorrow, no heartache, just a dullness…

  Chapter 5

  Deepak and Roshni Visit Vaishno Devi

  It was 6:30 a.m. on December 15th, one day after Deepak and Roshni’s wedding. Roshni woke up and was mentally drained. The previous night’s experience had taken away all her energy. She looked around, and Deepak was asleep on the bed in an uncomfortable position, his left hand across his face. Roshni woke up quietly and got ready. She wore a simple embroidered silk sari with her pallu over her head, as a mark of respect for the adults at home, and came to the pooja room. She cleaned the pooja room and put rangoli in front of the platform on which rested Durga Devi’s idol. She later lit the oil lamp and the incense and sat quietly in front of the idol. As the cloud of sandalwood incense spread throughout the room, she stared into Devi’s face and questioned the goddess in her mind. Devi Maiya, why bring him into my life if he is not to be mine? Why this…and what did I do to go through this? You got me married and… Tears sprang to her eyes; she could not continue as tears rolled down her cheeks.

  She heard footsteps, and she gathered herself and moved away to the side and leaned against the wall as quietly as she could. Sashank bhaiya came down to the pooja room and noticed the lamp was lit. He wondered who had come in that early, and as he was about to leave, he heard the tinkling sound of bangles. He peeped in and saw Roshni standing against the wall.

  As soon as she saw Sashank bhaiya, she wiped her tears.

  “Roshni, you are up already. Where is Deepak?” asked Sashank. He placed his hand on her shoulder very affectionately, and both walked towards the dining table.

  Roshni replied that Deepak was asleep.

  “Roshni bete, please treat this as your babuji’s house, no formalities,” Sashank said and looked at her wearing the sari with the pallu draped over her head in respect for elders. Pointing to the pallu, he added, “Beti, you don’t have to follow these formalities. You can wear salwar kameez! I have no problem.”

  She smiled and raised her head to look at him when Sashank noticed her eyes were swollen and red. He right away recognized that she had a long night; she probably missed her babuji. As he continued to talk to her, Deepak came down to the dining area and joined them.

  “Deepak, you look tired like Roshni beti. Is everything all right?” he asked, being concerned for them.

  “Yes, bhaiya.” Deepak noticed Roshni’s eyes were swollen and red.

  “Roshni beti, I can understand you missing your babuji’s house and your babuji. As I mentioned, no formalities, you can visit your babuji whenever you like. Actually, you can stay with him after Deepak leaves.”

  Roshni became tearful and ran to her room. She fell on the sofa, covered her face with her palms, and wept.

  Deepak watched her go, and the previous night’s conversations came to him.

  Sashank believed that Roshni missed her father. He placed his arm around Deepak’s shoulders and looked at him. “Deepak, Roshni lost her mother when she was very young; her babuji raised her. You – we all have to give her love and affection so she does not miss her babuji.”

  Deepak nodded. Yeah, right. I messed up everything last night. She felt tortured, he thought.

  “I wanted to talk to you both about a few more rituals that have to be completed.”

  “Yes, bhaiya, I will bring Roshni, and you can talk to both of us.” So saying, Deepak left.

  He opened the half-shut door to his bedroom and noticed Roshni on the sofa. He went closer to her and knelt down. “Roshni…Roshni,” he called.

  No response.

  “Sashank bhaiya wants to talk to both of us regarding some rituals. He is waiting for us downstairs.”

  Roshni turned around, got up and adjusted her sari and pallu, wiped her tears, and walked down, not waiting for Deepak. She did not care for him. Deepak followed her, and they sat next to Sashank at the table. Both were quiet and reserved.

  “Deepak and Roshni, as per our family traditions, there are couple more rituals that need to be completed. And Deepak, when is your return flight?”

  “December 26th, bhaiya.”

  “Okay, you have a few more days.” Sashank continued, “Before you leave, you both have to visit Vaishno Devi and take her blessings; it is our family tradition.”

  Deepak exclaimed, “Vaishno Devi!” He lowered his tone. “Bhaiya, you know it is winter and there is no conveyance to go there? Moreover, I don’t have time before my trip back to the US. Why not wait until I come back next time.” Deepak hoped to buy some time to deal with Roshni and the entire situation he’d created the previous night.

  Kaki brought chai for them, and as they sipped chai, Sashank continued, “Deepak, this trip to Vaishno Devi does not take more than two or three days. Of course, you will have to fly. It is better you take Devi’s darshan before you go back to the US. Today is the 16th. Prashant has invited both of you for the post-wedding ritual at his house, and after that, you can go for Vaishno Devi’s darshan. You will have a few more days left before your flight to the US. Take this opportunity to spend time together.”

  “Sashank bhaiya, I agree the trip to Vaishno Devi will take only two or three days. But with the wedding, it has been a little hectic, and with this trip, it will be very stressful, especially with winter time. The weather conditions in Jammu are unpredictable, so why not wait until next time.”

  He had not heard of this new ritual that Sashank mentioned. “By the way, what is this post-wedding ritual?” He waited for Roshni or Sashank to explain it to him.

  Roshni was quiet.

  “Deepak, the post-wedding ritual is where the bride’s father invites his daughter and son-in-law to his house for dinner after the wedding, a formality that has to be completed. You both will have to go to Roshni’s father’s house,” Sashank answered.

  Sashank looked at both of them. “I have taken a few days off to spend time with you. I will look into the travel details to Vaishno Devi, and if feasible, both of you should go.”

  A visit to Vaishno Devi was a family tradition and had to be completed. Roshni was religious and believed in traditions and customs. Deepak was not an atheist; however, he had been out of India for a few years and had forgotten these rituals.

  Roshni looked at Deepak and then towards Sashank. “Bhaiya, if it is a tradition, we will go.”

  Deepak expressed his acknowledgement. For Roshni there was no next time because this relationship was not going to continue, and she agreed to keep Sashank happy. Sashank agreed to look into t
he tickets and hotel reservations while Prashant invited Deepak and Roshni to his house for the Pag Pheri ritual the next day.

  ~ ~ ~

  Deepak and Roshni left for Prashant’s house. Deepak drove but neither of them talked; it was a somber moment. They were a newly married couple, but the spark wasn’t there. The excitement and glitter that Roshni had had in her eyes had faded. They had a quiet dinner at Prashant’s. As Roshni prepared to leave, she hugged Babuji and cried profusely. Prashant was unaware of the mental torture his daughter was going through; he pacified her and talked about her conduct and behavior at her husband’s house.

  Deepak and Roshni touched Prashant’s feet. “Deepak bete, my daughter is your responsibility. My wishes to you both, may your married life be happy,” said Prashant.

  He hugged both of them. For the first time Roshni and Deepak were close to each other, and both sensed the electric current gush through them. They looked at each other, and a fire blazed to life within. They quickly came to their senses and left soon after.

  ~ ~ ~

  Sashank made all the arrangements for Deepak and Roshni to visit Vaishno Devi. It was decided that they would leave on the 19th of December in the morning and be back on December 22nd. After this trip, Deepak had four days before his departure to the US. Sashank intentionally booked the return tickets a day later with the intention that Roshni and Deepak would take this opportunity to spend time together. Deepak and Roshni reluctantly agreed to this schedule.

  There was tension between them, and how would they manage this?

  As planned, Roshni and Deepak arrived in Jammu on the 19th. The travel agent did a decent job with the reservations. The hotel was a well-equipped, two-room suite with a bedroom and kitchen. Deepak and Roshni checked into the hotel, most of the time gesturing to each other with minimal talk. The hotel had a restaurant attached, and Roshni expressed her interest in having dinner there. After dinner, they returned to the room, and Deepak suggested Roshni sleep on the bed, and she unwillingly agreed while Deepak slept on the sofa.