by Dayo Benson
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I felt like screaming. Why did I care? What I had done was no big deal. People did it all the time. Carl certainly did. I wasn’t going to let myself cry.
All of a sudden, I had this urge to speak to Shawna. It was a good thing I didn’t have her number because I’d probably end up telling her how I felt and she’d say I was at that low point where God was now able to reach out to me.
***
I went home on Monday afternoon. Carl arrived home at around six and quizzed me about where I’d been. He didn’t for one moment believe that I’d been at my mom’s place, and I found that I couldn’t be bothered arguing with him. I was just tired of him and of life.
For the rest of the week we barely spoke to each other. I didn’t go to college anymore. I just stayed home and studied.
On Friday night when Carl left the apartment, I decided to go out too. I didn’t feel like seeing Dr. Paula. Talking about my problems wasn’t helping. It made me feel better sometimes, but at the end of the day, the problems were still there. No amount of talking was going to resolve them.
I drove around LA wondering what to do with myself. I considered going to see my mom, but that didn’t really appeal to me either.
I drove back to college and parked by the library. All week I’d been hoping I wouldn’t run into Professor Jackson. Luckily, I hadn’t.
I entered the library and saw Dan Black checking a book out. I turned immediately and dodged into a computer room. I sat down and went on the Internet. A few minutes later Dan appeared in the doorway and looked around. I groaned inwardly. This was just great!
“What’s a beautiful woman spending Friday night at the library for?” he said, coming and sitting at the computer next to me.
“Exams are coming up.”
“Come to my apartment for the weekend. Tell Carl you’re going to stay with one of your girlfriends or something.”
I frowned at Dan. “No preamble? Just straight to the kill?”
“Yep,” he said without remorse.
Okay, that made me feel really easy. “You guys are all the same, whisking women off to your condos and Malibu houses to seduce them. At least you’re not married.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
Dan watched me for a while as I browsed a few fashion websites. Then he stood up and pulled me to my feet. “Let’s go.”
I let Dan lead me out of the library to his car. He wasn’t driving the Aston Martin today. We drove in silence until we got to his Malibu house.
“Hungry?” he asked as we walked up the drive. He opened the front door.
“Actually, I’ve had nothing to eat all day, but no, I’m not hungry.” In fact, it was the first time food had crossed my mind all day, which wasn’t like me.
“Food is good for the soul. No wonder you’re all in a mood and depressed.”
“I’m not depressed. I’m very happy as a matter of fact.”
“Whatever you say.”
I followed Dan to his kitchen, and he pulled out a chair at the kitchen table for me to sit down. “Now, just relax while I whip up my special stir fry, and don’t be giving me that look because you know you’ve missed it.”
“Actually, I have kind of missed your stir fry,” I conceded, perching on the chair and crossing my legs. “And I’ve missed talking to you. In spite of your craziness, you’re actually quite a good listener.”
“Would you like a glass of wine?” Dan asked.
“No, thanks. Water will do.”
Dan opened the fridge and took out a bottle of water. He tossed it, and I caught it. “Hey, I’m impressed. Most girls can’t catch.”
“That’s a myth.”
“Why are you so quiet?”
“I don’t have anything to say.”
I watched him rummage through the kitchen cabinets, and suddenly, I felt tearful. I stood up, and he looked at me. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. I’ll go sit in the den.” I took my bottle of water, picked up my purse, and went to the den.
I closed my eyes in frustration at myself. Just the thought of spending the night with Dan made me feel unbearably guilty. Why exactly did I feel guilty? I wouldn’t be doing anything that Carl wasn’t doing too. I was being way too hard on myself.
God, why am I so miserable? I thought, opening my eyes and sinking down onto the plush leather sofa.
I covered my face with my hands and cried internally. I hated my life. Everything was just going wrong, and I couldn’t see things getting better. My situation seemed hopeless. God, help me, I pleaded silently to a deity that I wasn’t even sure existed. But I had no one else to cry to.
God, I’m fed up. My life has been a mess since my dad died.
I considered all the choices I’d made since moving back to LA. God, if you’re really there, please do something instead of just watching me self destruct!
I decided I couldn’t stay with Dan tonight and add to my list of mistakes. It would be one more wrong choice, and I’d made enough of those recently. I picked up my purse and made for the front door. As I opened it, Dan emerged from the kitchen.
“Hey, where are you going?”
I ignored him and shut the door behind me. I took out my cell phone as I walked away from the house, and started dialing a taxi.
Dan’s front door opened, and he came running out of the house. “Lexi, what’s wrong?” he came and touched my shoulder, looking deep into my eyes. “You look so miserable. Tell me what’s up.”
I remained silent, so he led me back into the house and into the den. I sat down, and he knelt beside me. “Lexi, it’s me, you can talk to me. What’s up?”
“Nothing,” I sniffed. “Go finish off your stir fry.”
Dan looked like he didn’t trust me to stay if he left.
“Don’t worry. I won’t run off,” I promised.
“Okay, give me another twenty minutes, and it’ll be ready. Then we’ll eat and you’ll tell me why you look like the world is coming to an end.” I nodded, and he dropped a kiss into my hair before he left the room.
I dug my compact out of my purse and looked in the mirror. I snapped it shut and dropped it back into my purse, satisfied that my foundation was still in place.
I wondered why Dan cared. He had to have ulterior motives. He had no reason to genuinely care about me as an individual apart from the fact that he wanted to make out. I squeezed my eyes shut. I hated guys. They were all such animals.
Again, I wished I had Shawna’s number. I really wanted to speak to her. I didn’t know what I’d say, but I just had this urge to talk to her. I made up my mind to go to college on Monday and get her number from Sam.
I switched on the TV and watched a Friday night comedy show. Shola Cardoso was one of the guest interviewees. I used my cell phone to record it on my TV at home.
I watched the interview full of envy. Shola was the absolute epitome of confidence and beauty. It was going to take a miracle and lots of good luck to achieve her kind of status as a model. Sometimes I felt optimistic and really believed that I would make it, but at sober moments, moments like the present one, I faced reality. I didn’t have what it takes.
Dan popped his head around the door making me jump. “Just making sure you haven’t crawled out the window. Do you want to eat in here or in the kitchen?”
“In here.”
Dan went to get the food and returned with a tray, which he set it on my lap. He pulled up a side table for me.
He went back to the kitchen and returned with his own tray. “So are you ready to tell me what’s up?” he asked taking a seat across the room from me.
I looked down at my food. It looked and smelled delicious, but I had no appetite.
“It’s obviously about Carl,” Dan pressed. “I bet he’s a lousy husband. I know he doesn’t appreciate you.”
“I want a divorce,” I said flatly. “But it’s too soon. I still want to try and make things work.”
“No nee
d, just get a divorce. You and Carl were doomed from the beginning. It was never going to work.”
I glared at Dan. “Thanks!”
Dan looked unapologetic. “I wish you didn’t marry him.”
Well, it was too late now.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“If you want to be.” I didn’t take my eyes off the TV screen. They were interviewing some old actor now.
“I won’t say I love you, Lexi, because I think that’s a serious word and people use it too freely, but I think I was well on the way to getting there. And you’re the first girl that I can say that about. Usually, I just like to play around.”
I stole a quick look at him and refocused on the TV. This was coming a couple months too late.
“But I found that I didn’t want to mess you about,” Dan continued. “I actually cared about you, and I still do. I know that Carl doesn’t feel as strongly for you as I do. He likes you, but I know he doesn’t love you.”
I decided that I didn’t believe a word Dan was saying. He was a player just like Professor Mark Jackson. In fact, LA guys were pretty much the same; all cut from the same cloth and cast from the same mold. They were all rich, cheating idiots.
“I know you don’t believe me, Lexi, but it’s the truth,” Dan said. He popped open his soda can and took a long swig. “And you feel the same way about me too.”
I had to smile. “You don’t change do you?”
“You know it’s true. We could have had something good, but you had to go and get married, and to Carl of all people. Couldn’t you at least have gotten someone better?”
“Well, you should have told me how you felt.”
“I did.”
“You didn’t say it like this. I wouldn’t have married Carl if you’d said all this back then.”
“You would. You didn’t trust me, and I knew it. So I didn’t bother laying my heart out to be trampled on.”
“Then why are you laying it out now?” I asked.
Dan swigged his drink again. “I don’t know.”
Even if I got a divorce, I didn’t see myself getting back with Dan. I didn’t see myself getting with anybody. I’d had enough of guys. They were just trouble.
I picked at my food while Dan ate. I wanted to eat it because he’d made the effort to make it, but I couldn’t.
“Let me know when you want me to take you home,” Dan said when he finished eating.
I gave him a hurt scowl. “Why don’t you just say you want me to leave?” I raised a hand to silence him when he opened his mouth to protest. “It’s okay, take me home now.”
“Lexi, you know you can stay as long as you like. I just don’t want you to think that I’m going to hold you captive here against your will.” Dan came and took my tray from me.
I looked at my untouched food guiltily. “I just don’t have much of an appetite tonight, sorry.”
“No problem.”
I followed Dan to the kitchen and helped him clear up, then we went upstairs.
“Wow!” I breathed, entering Dan’s master bedroom. It hadn’t been furnished properly last time I came. Now it was like something from Homes of the Rich and Famous. I looked at the enormous four-post bed. “How do you get up in the morning?”
Dan opened his closet and pulled out an old football shirt. “Are you staying?”
“I guess.”
He offered me the shirt. “You can change in the bathroom if you want.”
I went to change, and when I returned, Dan had changed too. “Yeah, I know, it looks better on me,” I said as Dan stared at me. I rolled into the bed and pulled the covers over me.
Dan came and tucked me in, and then he sat on the bed. “So are you going to tell me exactly what’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.”
Dan brushed a hand over my cheek. “Aren’t you going to wash your makeup off?”
“I’m not wearing makeup.”
“Oh, yeah,” Dan said sarcastically. “You’ve got it plastered on. You never used to wear so much.” Dan yawned and looked at his watch. “Wow, it’s late.”
“It’s only just past nine.”
“Yeah, I like to keep early nights during the buildup to exam season.” Dan made for the door. “See you in the morning.”
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“To one of the other rooms.”
“Why?”
Dan rubbed his eyes and then squinted at me, and I realized that he actually did look very tired. “Because I know you think I just want to use you, but I don’t.” He smiled, “Goodnight. Dream of me.”
I sat up in Dan’s bed when he left, confused and amused. That was really sweet. He obviously had way more depth of character than I thought.
***
Dan was spreading maple syrup on a pancake when I walked into his kitchen on Saturday morning. I sat at the table and fingered my hair thoughtfully as I watched him prepare breakfast with his disheveled hair and jaw line darkened with a slight morning shadow. “We could just go to a breakfast place,” I said. “You don’t have to go to all this trouble.”
“Maybe I want to. Tea or coffee?”
“Orange juice.”
After breakfast, Dan packed up his books and said he was going to the library. I wasn’t in the mood to study, so he offered to take me home. I tried to get him to drop me off round the corner from Marigold, but he insisted on taking me right to the doorstep.
“We don’t have a doorstep,” I snapped. “It’s an apartment.”
Dan ignored my frustration. “Left or right.”
“Left,” I instructed irritably. I directed him to the parking lot and looked for Carl’s car. It was parked in his bay. He was home. I tried to swallow the apprehension rising up my throat like bile.
Dan cut the engine. “Can I say something before you go?”
“Make it quick.” Carl could look out the window any minute and see Dan’s car. I hoped he wouldn’t know it was Dan’s.
“I just want to say that I’m serious about what I said last night.”
“Dan, I know, but I’m with Carl.”
Dan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “I can’t believe you’ve married Carl.”
“I can’t believe it either, but I thought you and I was just a temporary thing that had no future.”
We both fell quiet, considering the things that could have been. It started to rain lightly, and I watched raindrops slither down the windscreen.
“Lexi,” Dan said softly. He waited for me to look at him before he continued. “I can’t even explain how I feel about you. Some guys are good at all that, but I’m not, and it makes me angry because it’s the reason you dumped me for Carl.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.
“I guess I should let you go.”
“Thanks for the ride, Dan.” I felt like my heart was breaking as I walked toward my apartment complex. Why had Dan kept his real feelings buried when we were dating? Why had he left all this unsaid?
I patted my damp hair and looked at my reflection when I got into the elevator. I had to push Dan aside for now, what was I going to say to Carl?
The elevator doors opened, and I made my way down the corridor to my apartment. I was filled with dread as I looked through my purse for my keys. Carl opened the door as I was still feeling around my purse. He looked at me wordlessly.
I walked past him and went to the bathroom and locked the door. I was scared. I wondered what to do. I decided that if I came out, and he even looked like he was going to hit me I would call my mom. I found my mom’s number and unlocked the bathroom door and walked out, ready to press the call button if Carl did anything. He was sitting in the den watching soccer. I walked past and went to our room.
“Where’ve you been?” Carl called after me.
“At my mom’s.”
Carl got up and followed me. “I don’t believe you, but I guess you’re innocent until prov
en guilty. But when I find out, it’s not going to be funny.”
“Try to trust me, Carl,” I said, sitting down on the bed and removing my shoes.
“As I’ve already told you many times, I will never trust you.”
“Then leave, get a divorce. Why stay married if there’s no love or trust?”
Carl ignored that. “We’re having lunch with my parents tomorrow at one o’ clock.”
“Isn’t this really short notice?”
“They told me last week.”
“So, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you don’t do anything on Sundays anyway. You don’t need notice.” Carl’s expression darkened. “How did you get home?”
“My mom dropped me off.”
“Has she got a new car?”
“Yes,” I replied nervously. He must have been watching. I knew it!
“I hope that’s true, because I took the number plate and I’m going to run it.”
I stared at Carl, anger replacing my fear. “You’re psychotic.” I looked away in disgust. I should have stayed with Dan and never come back.
“What an ugly word,” Carl said smugly. “But I think I have a right to know if my wife is cheating.”
“Okay, while we’re talking about cheating, I’d like to ask you who Kayla is. She sent you a message saying she hopes you’ll come round again. And by the way Sam Foster filled me in on all the girls you parade around, he didn’t even know you were married.”
Carl acted like he didn’t hear a word I said. He removed a piece of paper from his pocket. “Is there anything you want to tell me before I run this number? I’d much rather you just tell me the truth and save me the bother.”
“Why would I want to save you the bother?”
Carl put the paper back into his pocket. “It better not be Dan Black’s,” he muttered as he left the room.
Fear gripped my heart with icy cold fingers. What was I going to do? I jumped when Carl came back into the room.
“Relax. I’m not going to check until Monday. I have more important things to do right now. I’m going out. Don’t expect me back till tomorrow.” He went to the dresser and looked through all my bottles of perfume until he found his cologne. He sprayed himself liberally, grabbed his jacket, and left. My sigh of relief when I heard the front door slam was audible.
