by Dayo Benson
I nodded. I was willing to try just about anything, but I hoped all this was true. “Okay, but can I just ask. Will God change Carl because I’m a Christian, or will Carl have to become a Christian himself?”
“When you become a Christian, you can pray for Him to change,” Shawna explained. “And you can also pray for him to get saved too, which will be even better.”
I considered it for a moment. All my friends that had got saved had changed for the better, and they all seemed pretty happy with their decision.
“So do you want to accept Jesus’ death on your behalf?” Shawna prompted.
“Yeah, what do I have to do?” I asked feeling weird. Getting saved was the last thing I thought I’d ever do.
“You have to be sure that it’s a commitment you want to make because it’s very serious. I think I need to explain it to you a bit more. Where’s my Bible?” Shawna opened her purse and pulled out a Bible. “I’ll have to get you one of these.”
“Actually I’ve got one somewhere.” I went to get the Bible that Jace had given me. I didn’t know why I brought it to college with me. I never read it and I’d told myself I never would, but I had packed it all the same.
I returned to the Den and Shawna had already written out a list of Bible verses that she wanted me to read when she left.
“Right, let’s do this,” I said bouncing onto the sofa.
“Are you sure, Lexi?”
“Anything that will change Carl and make my life worth living is worth doing.”
Shawna smiled patiently. “Lexi, becoming a Christian is so much more than having your problems solved. You get saved because you realize how wretched you are and how much you need God. All the blessings and other things are just bonuses.”
“Oh, yeah?”
Carl chose to arrive home at that moment. We heard him open the front door, and moments later he staggered into the den and flopped onto the couch. He was so drunk that he couldn’t even walk straight. He squinted at us.
“Maybe I should get going.” Shawna put her Bible in her purse and handed me the list of Bible verses she’d written.
“I’ll walk you out,” I told her. I went to get my flip-flops then I walked her outside to the parking lot where she called a cab.
“So, are you ready for your exams?” I asked.
“I’m getting there. Sam is such a great help in that area. I hate studying, and he makes me study.”
“That’s nice.”
“Lexi,” Shawna said giving me an earnest look. “I want you to seriously consider what I’ve said this evening. Please let me know if you have any questions.”
“I will.”
Shawna’s cab arrived, and she hugged me and promised to pray for me and Carl.
I went back to the apartment. Carl was still on the couch. “Who was that?” he asked, his voice sounding slightly hoarse.
“Shawna.” I retrieved my Bible and the list of verses that Shawna had given me and went to the bedroom to read them.
I read about how I was a sinner and how the only righteous person was God. No matter how I tried, my own righteousness was just like filthy rags if I didn’t accept Jesus. I read about how much God loves me and about Jesus’ death on the cross. When I finished, I read the note Shawna had written at the end. She had listed four steps to salvation. I had to acknowledge that I was a sinner, confess my sins, repent and forsake them, and accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
Carl burst into the room. “What are you doing?”
“Reading the Bible.”
Carl sniggered. “Hallelujah.”
I ignored him.
“I’m changing my name to a ‘J’ name,” Carl informed me. “You wanna know why?”
“Not really.”
“Well, it’s because you seem to like guys with ‘J’ names. First Jace, now Jan. If I call myself Jack or John, maybe you’ll stop cheating?”
“Yeah, maybe.” I assumed he meant Dan not Jan.
Carl’s cell phone rang, and he left the room to answer it. When he returned, he paced the room. “I looked up that number plate today, and guess what,” he began smugly.
“What?”
“It wasn’t listed. So that made me know that whoever it was that brought you home on Saturday was someone filthy rich. I was convinced it was Dan, or Jan, as you saved his number on your phone, but of course, I needed to be certain.”
My heart skipped a beat. How did Carl know that I’d saved Dan’s number as Jan?
“So guess what happened?” Carl laughed harshly. “When I got to college today, I went all around the three campus parking lots, and lo and behold that car was parked in the executive section. I waited for three and a half hours for the owner of the car to come, and guess who it was. Dan Jan! And he was with that redhead girl that just left.”
“Yeah, they’re dating,” I lied.
Carl looked confused. “Were you with Dan on Saturday or not?”
“I ran into him at the library, and he gave me a ride home.”
Carl punched the wall hard, and I jumped. I was surprised he didn’t break any fingers. “I don’t believe you,” he yelled. “When are you going to stop seeing Dan behind my back?” He let out a string of expletives.
I looked at Carl warily, and he looked back at me. I was ready to make a dash for the door when he walked out.
I heaved a sigh of relief and set my Bible aside with trembling fingers. I heard Carl leave the house.
Who was I kidding? Reading the Bible wouldn’t change Carl. He was crazy, and that was it. I didn’t see how he could ever change.
He returned home an hour later with a girl, and I was horrified. “She’s not coming in here,” I said indignantly. “You guys will have to go somewhere else.”
They were both drunk, and they barely heard me. I grabbed a small bag, packed some of my clothes, and left the apartment. I called Dan for directions to his place.
If Carl wanted to bring girls home, I wasn’t going to stick around and be disrespected like that. Tears blurred my vision, and I could barely see where I was going as I drove. This was so stupid!
Chapter 59
I walked out of my class on Friday afternoon, wondering whether Dan would have finished his class. I took out my cell phone to call him when I was grabbed from behind. It was Carl. I shook him off and started to walk away.
“Lexi, where’ve you been? Come home.” Carl begged following me.
I ignored him and continued briskly down the hallway to the main entrance.
“Lexi, I’m so sorry for what I did. Please forgive me. I was drunk, and I wasn’t thinking. Please, come back.”
“It’s over Carl.”
“It’s not over,” Carl said. “It can’t be.”
“It’s taken you five days to come and talk to me.”
“I’ve been looking for you, but I don’t know where you’ve been staying. Please come home.”
I continued walking.
“Lexi, I’m sorry, okay? What do you want me to do to prove it to you?” Carl grabbed my hand. “I’m not letting go until you say you’ll come home.”
I let Carl turn me around to face him. “Carl, what’s the point? We just fight all the time, and I’ve had enough. If I come back, it’s just going to continue, and I don’t think I can take it anymore.”
“Do you want me to get on my knees?”
“No,” I said looking around quickly.
“Then come home. Now.”
“I have another class.”
“Well, I’ll come with you, and we’ll both go home after.”
“Carl, are you crazy?” I asked incredulously.
“No, I just want my wife back.”
“Okay, I’ll come home,” I said, although I had no intention of doing so. “You don’t have to follow me to my class.”
“I want to. Come on, let’s go.”
I looked at my watch. “Well, it’s not for another hour.”
“Then let’s go get something to eat
.”
I complied, and we went to one of the campus cafés. When we were seated, I saw Dan enter the café with his group of friends. He raised an eyebrow when he saw us, but thankfully, he didn’t come over. Carl’s face turned sour when he saw Dan. He looked at me, searching for a reaction, but I kept a neutral face and acted like I hadn’t even seen him. Carl relaxed some.
I texted Dan when Carl went to get drinks and explained what had happened. He checked his phone and read the message, but he didn’t reply. I called him after my class that afternoon. He didn’t pick up.
Carl was waiting outside the lecture room to persuade me to come home. I felt like screaming. “Carl, it’s over. The only reason I’d ever go back to your apartment is to get my stuff.”
“Lexi, I know you’re angry,” Carl began.
“I’m not angry,” I said. “If you want to know exactly how I feel, I feel nothing. I really don’t care anymore.”
Carl followed me outside in silence. “Go away,” I said in annoyance. “I have two exams on Monday. I don’t need this right now.”
Carl looked upset, but I didn’t care. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll go, but I want you to know that I’m really sorry for what I did. I was drunk, and I’ve decided that if you’ll give me another chance, things will be different. We’ve only been married a few months, and I’m sure the first few months are always the hardest. I don’t think we should give up on our relationship so soon.”
“Well, I’m sick of our relationship. I just want out.” I walked away and went to the library. I made myself concentrate on my work.
It was eleven o’ clock when I left. I’d called Dan a couple times through the evening, and there’d been no response. I called my mom as I walked to my car, and told her I was coming home.
***
I emerged from my exams on Monday smiling, while others emerged looking worried and uncertain. It didn’t hurt to have friends in high places. Not that Professor Jackson could be counted as a friend. Over the next week and a half, I had another three exams, and I was done.
Emily and I went to the mall after the last exam. She was going back to San Diego that evening. While at the mall, we passed a bookstore that I’d never noticed before, and she wanted to go inside. It turned out to be a Christian bookstore, and it turned out that Emily was a Christian. I couldn’t believe she’d never told me, and she couldn’t believe I hadn’t known.
When I got back to my mom’s, Carl was parked outside waiting for me. “I’m looking for a house,” he told me.
I gave him a blank look. “Good for you.”
“Mainly because I don’t think a college campus is suitable for a man and his wife. Do you want to help me choose?”
“No.”
“Lexi, when are you going to forgive me? I’ve decided to forget about the abortion and about you and Dan. Can’t you forget about what I did too? We’ve both hurt each other, but can’t we move forward now?”
“I don’t know, Carl. I just need to be on my own for a while and work out what I’m going to do.”
Carl left, and I thought long and hard about it. I wasn’t sure if I could give Carl another chance. The next morning, he was back, telling me that he had stopped drinking, and that he wasn’t going out on the weekends anymore.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I think our marriage is worth it.”
I gave him a cold stare. “Carl, you sound like you’re making an effort and everything, but I can’t help the fact that I just don’t trust you anymore. I can’t just get back with you like that after all that’s happened. I know I hurt you, but I just can’t put up with your craziness anymore.”
Carl gave me a pleading look. “One chance, Lexi. That’s all I want. Give our marriage one more chance. We can work it out. We just need some time to develop things.”
“I don’t know, Carl.”
“Please come home. And if I do anything you don’t like, just tell me, and I’ll stop. I’m willing to work at this, Lexi.”
“I want to believe you, but I don’t know if it’ll just be a big mistake again.”
“It won’t be. I’m not perfect, but neither are you. We’ve both made mistakes, and we’ll probably make some more. Why don’t we just try to be mature about this? We’re not dating, Lexi. We’re married. We can’t just break up. We have to do everything to make it work.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s marriage.”
“So?”
“C’mon, Lexi. Stop being so difficult. I’m willing to change. Try me.”
I groaned. “You brought a girl home, Carl.”
Carl shook his head. “I don’t know how to ever apologize to you for that. Drink makes me crazy, and that’s why I’ve stopped. I have no excuse. I can only ask you to forgive me.”
“What if I can’t? I know that’s not the first time you’ve cheated on me.”
“You’ve cheated on me too.”
“I haven’t.”
“Lexi, you have. If we’re going to move on, we both have to be honest with each other.”
“Carl, I swear nothing has happened with me and Dan since we got married.”
Carl looked like he didn’t believe me. “Okay, well just come home.”
“Carl, you can go and get with someone else. You can even have one of those girls you’ve been cheating with, so why do you want me to come home?”
“Because you’re my wife, and I don’t really want anyone else. I just want you.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. It all sounded good, and I wanted to believe that things could get better.
“I love you, Lexi. Please just give our relationship a chance.”
I opened my eyes. “Okay.”
***
Carl and I spent the next couple of days house hunting. We found a house that we both liked in a quiet suburb in West LA, and it was available for us to move into the first week of July.
I couldn’t believe I was going to live in a house that big and that classy. In spite of the success of my mom’s career, we’d always lived in a ‘normal’ house. My mom and dad had always been content to live modestly. The only thing they splashed out on was me. They had funded all my flights and hotel expenses for modeling bookings.
On our way home from viewing the property, Carl placed a hand on my lap as he drove. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“The house. It’s only temporary. I’ll still keep looking for somewhere better for us.”
“Carl, that house is fine.”
“Are you sure? It’s just for now.”
I removed his hand from my lap and placed it on the steering wheel. “Seriously. That house is really nice. I love it.”
Carl looked at me briefly. “Are you for real?”
“Yes.” I thought about Carl’s parents’ house in Bel Air. No wonder he thought this wasn’t good enough.
“Well, I’m glad you like it then. You can decorate it however you want.”
“Cool.” Not that I considered myself competent to decorate a house. “When I become a supermodel, I’ll buy us a mansion.”
“You don’t have to be a supermodel. You don’t have to do anything. I don’t mind if you just stay home while I go out and work.”
“I’ll be bored.”
“You can go shopping and to the hair salon or whatever.”
I laughed. “I’ll get bored of that after a while.”
“I’m going to hire a housekeeper for our new house.”
“Huh?”
“What?”
I frowned. “Did I just hear you right?”
“Yeah.”
“Are there housekeepers in this day and age?”
“My mom has one.”
“You’re kidding me. Is that legal?”
Carl chuckled. “We’re not talking about a slave, Lexi. And it’ll only be for like two or three days a week.”
“But why?”
“Just to help us with cleaning and stuff. I don’t
want you having to do all that, and I’m not good at that kind of stuff.”
The thought of having a housekeeper was more than weird. I felt guilty just thinking about it. “I don’t mind cleaning up. Please don’t hire anybody.” I couldn’t believe we were even having this conversation.
When we got home, Shawna called to ask me if I wanted to go for dinner at Room 101. I hadn’t been out in a while, so I started getting dressed.
Carl came into the bedroom. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Shawna wants to go for something to eat.”
“Why?”
I lifted my hair off my neck and sprayed myself liberally with Elixir by Shola Cardoso. “Just to catch up.”
“No.”
“No what?” I asked.
“You’re not going anywhere.”
“Huh?” Was Carl out of his mind?
“You’re staying home. Tell her you can’t go.”
“Why?”
“I don’t go out anymore. I don’t think you should either.”
“I didn’t tell you stop going out. That was your choice.”
“I don’t want you to go, Lexi.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
Carl’s face contorted in an expression of anger. “I’m not kidding.” He walked out of the room and slammed the door behind him.
I sat on the bed and held my head in my hands for a while. What was going on? One minute Carl was apologizing and telling me I deserved a bigger, better house, and then the next minute, he was a dictating tyrant. What was his problem?
I sent Shawna a message to tell her that I couldn’t come. Something had ‘come up.’ I felt a little sick as I changed into my pajamas. I didn’t want any trouble tonight. I’d talk to Carl about it in the morning when he’d calmed down. He couldn’t be acting like this if he really wanted our relationship to work.
However, Carl’s buddies showed up an hour later to pick him up for a house party. I felt like chasing after him to throttle him.
Chapter 60
I picked Shawna up from her off campus block of seedy apartments that looked overdue for demolition, and we went shopping. She helped me pick out the hottest Jovani dress for Matt and Michelle’s wedding.
When I got home, Carl was in the den watching the sports news. He looked up when I came in, and then turned his attention back to the TV.
