by Gia Riley
Winnie Dawes is a dirty slut. She’s such a whore that she’s too filthy for the trailer park.
My best friend—the guy who picked me up each time I fell and who showed me that rock bottom was nothing more than a pit stop, not a final destination—has betrayed me. One text does more damage than I could ever do with a blade.
Bile rises up the back of my throat, and no matter how many times I swallow, the heat won’t stay down. I cover my mouth with my hand and run outside onto the lawn, heaving into the perfectly manicured bushes that spell out the school’s mascot—a wolverine. I’m hunted by the wolves every day of my life.
The saying is true; the strength of the wolf is the pack. Jasper’s the wolf, and his pack stands at the classroom windows, watching as I hunch over and empty my stomach. Thank God I skipped breakfast, or this would be even more humiliating.
One of the office staff must have alerted the counselors because there’s a hand on my back, rubbing little circles that are supposed to be comforting. If this woman knew me at all, she’d know I didn’t like to be touched. I tell her that as soon as I stand up, and she seems appalled by my tone.
“Let’s go inside and talk,” she says.
I go back inside to grab my bag, and then I turn around and walk right back out the doors, ignoring her pleas to come back inside. If I don’t leave right now, I’ll end up in the restroom with the sharpest thing I can find in my hand.
Counselors should understand space and boundaries and teenagers in general. But this one doesn’t have any common sense. She just runs after me, spouting off a million ways we can make this better. There isn’t a single way to make this not hurt. Nothing will take away the pain Jasper inflicted. Absolutely nothing. Razors don’t fix broken hearts. I’ve tried.
“Winnie, the person who sent the text will be found, and appropriate actions will be taken. It was sent outside of school grounds and hours, so there’s only so much we can do, but we’re aware of the situation, and I promise we’ll get to the bottom of the accusations.”
“Don’t bother,” I tell her. “I’m not a situation, and Jasper’s not wrong. I’m all the things he said I am.”
All the men who snuck into my room told me I was a slut. They talked to me like I couldn’t hear them and made me their prize. One touch was so rewarding, they needed more—until I was theirs, and they were mine.
The future can’t wash away the past, no matter how hard you try to scrub away the memories. I am who I am. I’m Winnie Dawes, trailer trash.
She says my name over and over, begging me to go to her office so that we can talk. I’m done talking, and I walk out of school without a note or a parent to pick me up.
I’m sure she’ll call Cindy and Doug and tell them what’s going on, but that does nothing to change my decision. They won’t want me anymore. Cindy said one more strike, and I was gone. Everyone gives up on me, even when it’s not my fault. Bad Karma follows me around like a cloud on a rainy day, pouring buckets of shame over my head. They took me in when I stopped believing a better life existed, and since I’ve lived with them, I’ve done little to show them that I’m capable of getting my shit together. They met me when I was shot, lying in a hospital bed, wondering if it would have been better if I hadn’t woken up.
I should have died in the parking lot.
The universe got it wrong when it sent me back, and now, it’s my time to set things straight.
A quick text to Trey, and my suspicious are confirmed. Jasper’s responsible for breaking the trailer windows. And Trey’s the one who gave him the black eye and the broken arm.
Jasper must have followed me to Trey’s again and got jealous that we were inside together. Only this time, he didn’t kiss a girl in a coffee shop to feel better about himself. He retaliated by smashing windows and destroying Trey’s property. He had to know Trey would catch him, but in his twisted thoughts, he probably thought that hurting Trey would hurt me just as bad. And he’s right. Because, if anything were to happen to Trey, I’d end it all today and go along with him to heaven. He’s the only reason I wake up in the mornings, the only reason I have left to get out of bed.
Jasper made his own bed though. If Trey finds out about the text he sent around school, his injuries won’t matter anymore. He won’t know what pain is anymore because Trey will kill him.
All the more reason I’m finished with school and this town. Diploma or not, today is my last day of high school. I’m going back to Sunshine Place, packing my things, and running away with Trey.
I can’t do this anymore.
Twenty-Three
Winnie
Cindy’s sitting on the chair inside the foyer with her elbows on her knees. As soon as she sees me, she sighs and stands up. “The school called. I had no idea where to look for you. Thank you for coming home.”
“I’m not staying,” I tell her.
This isn’t home. It might have been an illusion for a little while, but these walls and the pretty paintings hanging on them are just a cover-up. You can dress up Sunshine Place however you want, but every foundation is made of the same cement and bricks. It doesn’t matter how wide or how tall you build upon those bricks; the wind will always destroy it the same way.
Cindy takes the backpack out of my hand and sets it on the floor. Normally, she’s lecturing Raven or Matty to put their shit away and keep it off the floor. Mine can go wherever it wants today because she knows I’m about to run.
“Sit, Winnie. Let’s talk.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Then, we’ll walk. Go do what you need to do, and we’ll have a conversation while you do it.”
At first, I think she’s kidding, but when I move, she follows. Her footsteps trail mine the whole way up the stairs and then into my bedroom. She glances around at Melody’s things and then mine. We keep it clean, mostly because it’s house rules, but I’m sure she comes in here when we’re at school, searching for trouble. Why would she have any reason to trust the kids living in her home? And that’s all the more reason this will never be mine.
I feel like I’m being chased by the counselor again, and when I open the closet door, I get a flash of Trey’s trailer and the sound of the windows shattering. How could Jasper have done that? If he were messing with anyone other than Trey, he’d be in jail right now for destruction of property and vandalism. Time in juvie is worth proving a point to me—that he wants me and needs me, that he’s better for me than Trey.
Cindy’s breath hitches when she sees my duffel bag. It’s the one I came to Sunshine Place with, and even with my things inside, there was still plenty of empty space. That’s how little I had left.
“Are you staying at a friend’s house tonight?” she asks. “We have a form to fill out, and I’ll need her parents to sign a consent form.”
“I’m moving out, Cindy.”
She stands up and starts messing with her necklace, a nervous habit you don’t see too often from her. She’s always put together and in control. “You can’t leave. Where will you stay? What about school?”
“I’m done with school.”
“I heard about the text. You’re upset. It’s understandable that you want to quit, but you need that diploma, Winnie. Without it, you’ll never get a job. You’ll starve.”
I’ve starved before and survived. I’ll do it again. Eating tuna fish every day really wasn’t so bad. At least I didn’t need to worry about a kitchen or washing dishes like I do here. Dray isn’t coming in and out of my life with his many mood swings and popularity contests. Jasper doesn’t prove himself just to screw me over. And Raven isn’t trying to tank my standings in the house by accusing me of having sex with my housemate.
Where I come from, everyone already assumes the worst about me. There are no surprises. What you see is what you get, and I think I might miss that most. I can just be Winnie Dawes, the girl with zero expectations and the will to fight. I want her back.
“I won’t be alone, Cindy. I have a place to go.
”
“Will you be with him?” she asks.
The way she says him, I’m positive she’s talking about Trey. How she knows about him, I have no idea. My secrets have stayed secrets unless she’s been following me like Jasper or she got to Dray for information. Dray swore on his life he didn’t tell, and I think I believe him.
“It doesn’t matter. I know where I come from, and that’s where I belong.”
“I’ll have to call the state if you leave.”
“I know.”
“What can I do to convince you to stay?”
“I’m grateful you took me in. I am. But this isn’t where I belong.”
I thought staying in the same school was a blessing. Now, I almost wish I had been placed in a new one. Somewhere I could have reinvented myself and become a girl people were proud to be seen with. Not one who earned paper-airplane notes to be shot on her desk to remind her of who she really was—Tess.
Cindy’s on the phone the entire time I pack, and I move faster, just in case the cops show up.
Winnie: Going to the trailer now. Meet me?
Trey: Can’t stay long.
Winnie: I just need to see you.
Trey: On my way.
I breathe a sigh of relief and then zip up my bag. Melody’s been a good roommate, but she’s not going to miss me. Without me, she doesn’t have to hide under the covers with a flashlight to write late at night or sleep with earbuds in to listen to her music.
Eventually, my replacement will show up, and she’ll make a new friend. And, if she’s lucky, Jasper will find her at the coffee shop and kiss her again. Just because I hate him doesn’t mean he’s not worth having.
I’m the one who’s hard to love, not him.
Twenty-Four
Trey
Winnie not being at school again can only mean one thing; she’s quitting. I know because that’s how it went for me when I wanted to drop out.
My teachers told me that, if I applied myself, I’d go places. All that wasted potential really pissed them off. But they didn’t know what it was like to have parents who were too busy cheating on one another and partying to pay attention to their kid. They didn’t show up at my high school graduation, so they sure as hell weren’t saving their pennies for my college education.
From a young age, I knew I was on my own, and maybe that’s why I’m so hell-bent on making sure Winnie doesn’t fall into the same trap I did—working late hours, doing shady business with people she has no business being around. I want to give her the world—not because she was let down by her own parents, but because she deserves it. She deserves everything.
She’s sitting on the couch, waiting for me, when I get to the trailer. I had the windows replaced late last night. A guy owed me some money and a favor, so he did it without a dime from my pocket.
“Thanks for coming,” she says. “I needed to see you.”
I toss my helmet on the table, and she stands up and bats those long, dark lashes at me. Her eyes are my weakness. They’re the kind of eyes that make you do stupid shit.
“I see that. What’s up?”
“Well, there’s something I need to tell you.” She fidgets and pulls at the hem of her shirt.
I check to see if it’s something new I’m supposed to notice, but I don’t think so. “You look beautiful, Winn. Stand still, and talk to me.”
A nervous glance at what she’s wearing, and then those stormy eyes are on me again, right where they belong. “I wore almost the same thing yesterday, just a different color,” she says.
“Doesn’t matter,” I tell her. “You’ve got my attention.”
She should have a closet full of name-brand clothes. Winnie deserves to be spoiled and taken care of, but I can’t do any of those things until she’s old enough to take my gifts without having to hide them or lie about where they came from.
I have her attention, too, because she takes a couple of steps toward me, still twisting her fingers around the cotton.
“Kiss me?” she whispers.
“Are you asking or telling me?”
I should find out why she’s here first before we get carried away, but I always lose my head when she’s this close. All I want to do is touch her. Winnie thinks I have all the power, but that’s not true at all. She’s the one in control.
“I’m doing both, I guess. I want you to kiss me, if you want to.”
I always want to kiss her. “Tell me your plans first.”
“Plans?” she questions. “I don’t have any yet. We can make them together. I packed a bag. That’s all I really have.”
One measly duffel bag is all this girl has to her name. Thank fuck she has me—well, almost. That’s the problem, the one part of this arrangement that could crash and burn. She’s mine, but if she stays here, they’ll track her down in no time. We’re right across the street from her last address.
“Winn, you can’t stay here. I don’t even want to stay here.”
“If this is about school, I’m old enough to drop out. You only have to be sixteen, so it’s my call, and I’m not going back.” She says it so fast, her chest is heaving.
“Winn, I’m on your side. I’m just saying, you need to be eighteen to live on your own. Nobody’ll give you a lease yet. Plus, you don’t have any credit established. There are rules and policies and—”
She cuts me off and says, “I have no money. I have nothing. But I’m not going back to Sunshine Place. I’ll live in a box on the corner if I have to. Anything is better than going back to that school with those people.”
“My girl’s not living in a box. If your house parents find you though, they’ll want you back. I’m sure they’re already looking.”
She shakes her head. “No, Cindy saw me leave. Today was my second strike though. She already warned me, if I got another, I’d be out. So, I left before she had a chance to call for a new placement.”
“How do you know she would have forced you out? Did you explain yourself and tell her you deserved to stay?”
I’m guessing whatever happened wasn’t her fault. It never is. Her problems are an unfortunate consequence of her surroundings.
“How do you know I deserve to be there? Cindy watched me pack, and she’d said what she said after I messed up the first time. Her rules were loud and clear, and I broke them again.”
“And?”
“And? That’s it. Maybe she tried to get me to stay, but—”
“No buts, Winn. If she tried to get you to stay, then she wanted you to stay. You need to go back. Apologize for running, accept your room back, and wait it out like you were doing. You’re so close to your birthday.”
Tears well in her eyes, and I want to kiss them away before they fall down her cheeks. Then, her lip quivers, and I have to get rid of the remaining space between us.
“C’mere, Winn.”
She’s in my arms before the first tear falls, and I wrap them around her trembling shoulders. Her frame’s smaller than it was before she got shot. The weight that she gained in the hospital once she started eating real food is slowly coming off again.
“Breathe,” I whisper. “Just breathe.”
Her tiny hands latch on to fistfuls of my leather jacket, and I guide her to the couch and sit down. She curls up in my lap and rests her head on my shoulder. I swear, she was made for me because she fits perfectly against my body.
“What are you thinking?” I ask her.
She turns the ring on her thumb around a couple of times, and her fear’s as loud as it’s been since she woke up in the hospital with a nightmare about the night Tess shot her. I wasn’t there to see it, but it was so bad, Jasper called me. A psychologist spent the rest of the night with her, just in case the flashbacks got too bad. It killed me that someone else got to hold her when I could have taken away her pain.
“That I don’t want to leave here unless you’re with me.”
“I want you with me, Winn. The last thing I want to do is make you go someplace else.
But we’re not legal. I’ll go to jail, and they’ll put you back in foster care, probably someplace as far away from me as they can find. You don’t want that, do you?”
She looks at me through her long lashes and then climbs out of my lap and starts pacing in front of the couch. My arms are empty without her.
“Of course not,” she says. “But I can’t go back, Trey. When I left, I meant it. I have to figure something else out.”
I’ve spent a lot of late nights and early mornings trying to figure out how to keep her safe. I’ve almost worn a hole in the shitty carpet, pacing back and forth like she is. Night after night, I walk until I get my head on straight because there really isn’t a single thing I can do that I want to, like being with Winnie.
Even the first night I lived here, I was helpless. Tess was lying in the street, high as a damn kite, and all I could do was run across, covered in leather with a helmet on my head, to help her. I wanted to rip it off and show Winnie that I was there for her. Had Tess woken up, she wouldn’t have remembered by morning anyway, but I didn’t know where Jax was or who else was around. I stayed hidden and then pressed pieces of paper against the window to talk to her.
I probably looked like some sick fuck, trying to communicate with a teenager through a window instead of talking like a normal human being. But, like now, I’d do anything to make sure Winnie was okay. She’s the only person left on this planet I care about, and I’m forced to stay away because she’s three weeks shy of a number deemed acceptable by society.
Life is so fucking unfair.
“I don’t know what to do, Winn. I can’t even set you up someplace. The social workers are gonna look for you, and then once the cops find you, they’ll trace the place right back to me. It’d be no better than letting you stay here.”
“There has to be somewhere safe. Don’t you know people who can pull some strings or let me stay with them? Your boss can make anything happen. You’ve said so yourself.”
I’m off the couch before she sees me coming, and my hands are around her waist. “My boss is out of the question.”
