by Ivy Smoak
I lifted my head and looked at V. I couldn’t get up. And I couldn’t explain it to him. I had just lost everything. If he didn’t see that, then he couldn’t possibly understand.
“We failed the mission. We won’t next time.” He stared at me. “You just need to sleep it off,” he added when I didn’t respond.
Sleep it off? “This has nothing to do with the mission. I watched Eli die! I love him. And I watched him die. How…how can you be so cold?”
“You don’t love him.”
I swore he rolled his eyes. “Fuck you, V. If you have something to say, just say it. Don’t roll your eyes and minimize my pain.”
“I just said it. You don’t love him.” His voice rumbled lower than usual.
“I love him! I love him more than you could possibly understand. He sees the real me. I’m not living behind a mask! I have real emotions and…”
“You don’t love him! Your heart is shattered into a million tiny pieces. It’s broken, Sadie. And no one is going to magically put it back together in a few days. You don’t love him. You love the idea of him, nothing more.”
“You’re wrong.” I pushed myself up to my feet. Nothing was going to stop me from going back to Eli. Definitely not a self-entitled prick. I pressed the button to open the window.
“The apartment is on lockdown,” Athena said.
“Athena, let me out!” I hit the button again.
“The apartment is on lockdown,” Athena said.
I slammed my palm against the window. “It’s my apartment, Athena!”
“The apartment is on lockdown,” Athena said.
I hit the window again before turning around. “Let me out,” I said to V.
“No. And you’re right, I do have more to say. If you loved him so much, you shouldn’t have left your position. None of this would have happened if you could have listened to directions for once in you damned life.”
I didn’t need him to tell me that. I already knew it was my fault. “Is that all?”
He walked toward me. “You should have realized as soon as Don said he wasn’t there to hurt you that he was going to hurt one of us. You put us all in jeopardy by being careless!”
Screw him. I actually wasn’t the only one to blame. “And what about you, V? You were on the other side of the balcony. You had a clear shot. You could have saved his life!”
“Taking out Don wasn’t the plan…”
“You could have prevented him from shooting Eli!” I closed the distance between us.
“Liza told us to abort the mission. So I left. I followed protocol.”
“You wanted him to die!” I poked him in the middle of the chest. “Right? You wanted him out of the way? You’re a murderer.” I poked him again. “I’ve seen you kill someone with my own two eyes. And just because you didn’t pull the trigger, don’t think for a second that you’re not at fault for this death too.”
“You really are nothing like Summer Brooks.”
I slapped him across the face. Harder than I meant to. Or maybe not hard enough, because he smiled at me.
“Do you feel better now? Less guilty?”
I went to slap him again, but he grabbed my hand before it reached his cheek.
“Because this isn’t on me. It’s on you. And I wasn’t minimizing your pain. I was reminding you that you’ve experienced worse. That you’re stronger than this.”
“That’s not what you were doing.” I tried to slap him with my other hand, but he grabbed that too. He pushed me backward until I was pressed against the window.
“Let go of me, V. Or I swear to God, I’ll…”
“You think I don’t know what it’s like to lose the love of my life?” he asked, cutting me off. “Why do you think I became this?” There was pain in his voice. It was real. It was raw and full of emotion.
I believed him. But this wasn’t the time or place for this conversation. And he was hogging my air supply. “I’m serious, V, let go of me.”
“My heart is shattered into a million tiny pieces too, Sadie. It’s broken. I know better than anyone else that it doesn’t heal that quickly. Maybe you want to love him. But you couldn’t possibly love someone when your heart only beats for one person.”
“If your heart only beats for one person, then go torment her instead of me.” I tried to wiggle out of his grip.
He released me with an exhale.
I rushed past him. I needed my phone. If I was going to be stuck in this prison of an apartment, I needed to call Liza to see if she'd heard anything. But I knew. I just knew Eli was dead.
V wasn’t right. Maybe my heart was shattered, but every fragment loved Eli. And now it felt like the pieces had shriveled up and died.
“It’s you,” V said from behind me. “I love you.”
I stopped at Eli’s bedroom, my hand on the knob, and turned to look at V. “Are you kidding me, V? Just a few days ago you said you didn’t love me. You drove me away. What the hell do you want from me? I’m not just some pawn that you can play with. You don’t love me. Trust me. And the only reason you even like me a little is because you can’t have me.”
He looked exhausted. “It’s always been you.” He shrugged his shoulders. “And it always will be.”
Why now? In what maniacal way did he think this was okay to talk about after what just happened? “The whole city thinks you’re brave,” I said. “But they couldn’t be more wrong. You’re a fucking coward.” I walked into Eli’s room and slammed the door.
The smell of citrus hit my nose, causing another round of tears to escape. I found my phone and called Liza as I collapsed in Eli’s bed. I let Eli’s scent engulf me as Liza’s voicemail beeped on. I called again and again and again. Nothing.
Love was pain. And I was never going to fucking love again. I pulled Eli’s sheets up to my chin. If I closed my eyes tight enough I could picture him beside me. But it didn’t stop my heart from feeling like it was bleeding.
Chapter 16
Friday
I wanted to be dead, if this wasn’t already death itself. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t move.
A knocking on Eli’s door made me open my eyes.
“Sadie?” V called from the other side.
“Go away,” I mumbled.
He opened the door and stared at me. “Get up, Sadie.” He stepped into the room. “This is ridiculous.”
“Don’t come in here!” I imagined his stupid cologne permeating all the surfaces, removing Eli’s presence from existence. “Get out!” I yelled it again and again when he didn’t move. I chucked my phone at him and he finally left, closing the door behind him.
I sobbed into Eli’s pillow, until I had nothing left.
Chapter 17
Saturday
I felt weak and small. All those months that I had pushed Eli away, I could have been making him happy. Us happy. I regretted everything. At least the last time I saw him I hadn't been pushing him out the door like I did with my parents. At least Eli knew I loved him. I hoped he knew. I wiped the snot away from under my nose.
Regret seared in my mind regardless. I lived a life of awful choices, one after the next. Anger seeped into my bones until it felt like my body was on fire.
When a knock sounded on the door, I glared at it, daring V to come in and face my wrath.
“Alison?” I heard from the other side of the door.
Hell no. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t handle seeing Dr. Miller with his fake motives. He wouldn’t be as cocky as V. He wouldn’t come in here.
But apparently this loony psychologist thought silence was consent, because the door slowly opened anyway. “Can you come out here and talk to me?” His voice was overly soothing like he was speaking to a child.
“No thank you.”
“I heard your friend got shot in a mugging,” Dr. Miller said.
“Is that what our mutual friend told you?”
“He did.”
“Did he tell you that it’s his fault that Eli got sh
ot? That he could have stopped it?”
“No. Actually he said that you pulled Eli into a position that made him vulnerable and that you were blaming yourself for his injury.”
“Injury? I don’t even know if he’s alive.” My voice sounded as weak and small as I felt.
“How about you come out here and talk about that? Unless you’d rather me come in?”
“Or you could go away.”
“You’ve been holed up in there for a day and a half. This behavior is unacceptable. You haven’t been eating. Come on. I brought food.” He lifted up a takeout bag that I hadn’t noticed before.
My stomach growled, betraying me. “Are we alone?” I asked.
“I believe so. I’ll be waiting in the kitchen for you.” He retreated out of the room, leaving the door ajar.
If V wasn’t here and Dr. Miller had been able to get in, the apartment was no longer in lockdown. I pushed the comforter off of me, jumped out bed, and ran out of the room. No one was stopping me from seeing Eli. I grabbed my winter jacket off the hook and shoved my feet into my boots.
I wrapped my hand around the doorknob and it immediately shocked me. Ow! I glared at the camera that was pointed directly at me. I grabbed the handle again and it shocked me even harder. “Screw you Athena and V,” I said under my breath. Apparently I was on lockdown, not the apartment.
The smell of greasy goodness floated into the hall. I hung my coat back up and kicked off my boots. I didn’t bother to change. I was wearing one of Eli’s t-shirts, but it was big on me, coming down to mid-thigh. If Athena hadn’t locked me in, I’d be walking the city streets in it. So Dr. Miller could deal.
I sat down across from him at the kitchen table.
He pushed one of the bags at me. “So why aren’t you at the hospital visiting him?”
I ignored him and unwrapped a juicy burger. It was almost angering how he knew exactly what I was in the mood for. I took a big bite and tried to swallow down the resentment.
“Alison? Why aren’t you with him?”
I cleared my throat. I’m a wanted criminal. I’m not allowed to leave the apartment. “It’s family only.”
“I see. You could sit in the waiting room.”
V won’t let me. “I can’t. I’m a mess.” I gestured to myself. Hopefully that would do the trick.
He didn’t say anything.
“Look, thank you for bringing food, but I’m really not in the mood to talk.”
“I’m sorry, I just think it’s odd that you have such a fear of abandonment, but you’d be so willingly able to abandon a friend in need.”
I set the burger down. “He’s not just a friend. I love him.”
“Even more of a reason to go to him.”
“You don’t think I want to be there?” I shook my head. “But it doesn’t even matter. I saw him die. He’s gone.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“I’ve seen more people die than I care to remember. I’m not going to sit here and have you judge me too.”
“Who else is judging you? Our mutual friend?”
“Yes, who else would I be talking about? The one that you can’t talk about yet you’re always bringing him up.”
“I didn’t bring him up,” Dr. Miller said. “You did.”
I took a huge breath and exhaled slowly. “Well I don’t want to talk about him, or Eli, or anyone else. I just want to sit here and eat in silence.”
“I think it’s important that you go to the hospital, Alison. You don’t want to regret this choice.”
“It’s not a choice! I’m being held here against my will!”
“Emotionally? Or…” Dr. Miller’s voice trailed off. He was looking at me like I was insane.
Screw V. Screw the secrets. If I was being forced to see a therapist, I could say whatever I damned well pleased. And he was my doctor. He couldn’t tell anyone what I said. Right? Fuck it. “I’m not abandoning Eli. There’s nothing in the world I want more than to be with him. But I’m not allowed to leave the apartment because it’s on lockdown. I tried to leave and the doorknob literally shocked me.”
He just stared at me. He clearly didn’t believe me.
“Your patient isn’t who he says he is.” I put patient in air quotes. “He’s the New York City vigilante and he’s holding me against my will. I don’t even know his real name. You’re the only one that does and the fact that you refuse to share it is infuriating.”
Dr. Miller didn’t say a word.
“He’s a murderer, Dr. Miller. He killed someone right in front of me. He needs to be locked up, not me.”
No response.
I stood up and walked over to the fake wall. I pressed my thumb against a button and the wall started to ascend, revealing our headquarters. I stepped into it and the floor lit up red. “This is his secret lair.” I gestured to the computers and the target on the wall. The glass table spread with documents. A bulletin board filled with pictures and yarn connecting images.
Nothing.
“My name isn’t Alison. V lies about everything. He lies to himself about his feelings. He lies to me constantly. He’s certainly lied to you about his true identity. And he’s holding me here against my will.”
Nothing.
“We’re part of secret team to take down Don Roberts. You know…our beloved mayor? He was my foster father. He’s the one that raped me. He’s the one that broke me.” My voice cracked. “And I think he has my old babysitter, Julie, hostage. I think he killed my parents. I know he killed my aunt, even though I’m wanted for her murder. And he certainly killed me. Because as much as I wish that I could be myself again, that part of me is dead.” I sat down. “I died when I was 8 years old and I’ve been trying to hold on to someone that doesn’t exist anymore. I’m so tired.”
Dr. Miller smiled. “Now we’re finally getting somewhere, Summer.”
Chapter 18
Saturday
I stared at Dr. Miller and the smile on his face. Had I just heard him correctly? “How do you know my name?”
“My patient never talked about Alison. That was true. But he always talks about you.”
“Your patient…”
“V. And he’s never lied to me. Despite what you seem to think. I’ve been very aware of his extracurricular activities.”
“But he said that you didn’t know…”
“I never said he didn’t lie to you. Although, I strongly advised him against it. He has it stuck in his head that you need to love both sides of him equally before he tells you the truth. Which makes no sense. Most people fall in love with one person at a time. He’s asking too much from you.”
“Both sides of him?”
“The darkness and the light.”
“So what’s the other side? All I’ve ever seen is the darkness.”
“The one without the mask of course. You’re not looking hard enough, Summer. The answer has been right in front of you the whole time.”
I thought about how V always spoke in riddles. How he always made me think. How he seemed to know everything about me and my past.
Dr. Miller was young. Mid-thirties maybe. I stared into his eyes. They were brown, just like V’s. My gaze wandered to his lips. Could it be him? He clearly had access to this apartment. Apparently more so than I even had. It didn’t seem like anyone had let him in. He just…appeared.
Like V always appeared when I needed him. And lots of times when I wished he wouldn’t.
If I could get a few more answers from Dr. Miller, maybe I could piece it together. Maybe I’d be able to see whatever was apparently right in front of me. “V always calls me Sadie. Why?”
“Because that side of him didn’t know you when you were Summer. Calling you Summer would violate his…psyche. He feels like it would be a betrayal.”
It was all starting to make sense. “So it’s the other part of him…the light part that loves me?”
“I believe so, yes. It’s hard for people who have been hurt to open
themselves up to love again. He’s been cut deeply.”
That’s why he was so torn when he said he loved me. The darkness wasn’t supposed to love me. “So he’s crazy?” That was really the only conclusion to all of this.
“Aren’t we all a little crazy?” He smiled.
I sighed. “You know what I mean. V clearly has a split personality…”
“No. He doesn’t. He might feel as though he is insane, but he’s not. I just think that when he hides behind a mask, it’s easy for him to hide a part of himself. But he’s all one person. The hate and the love. It’s hard for him to hold on to all of it. So he separates it. The real him loves you to the ends of the earth. And the masked part of him…he loathes your existence.”
“He hates me?”
“Yes. Very much so. To the point where he finds it hard to be around you.”
“So why is he helping me?”
“Because love is stronger than hate, Summer. You know that.”
“I don’t. Hate rules this world. Just look at our city. Everyone voted for a mayor who is the leader of the Helspet Mafia. A rapist. A murderer. He’s vile.”
“People see what they want to see. And Don knows how to give a good speech. You can’t blame this city for believing a lie that's presented in such a nice way.”
Presented in a different way. Behind a mask. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Is it him? Is Don V?” It would make sense. He hated me, but a part of him loved me. He always fucked me instead of holding me close. He wore a mask so I wouldn’t see the real him that I wanted dead. And he knew about our extraction plan. It was like he had inside information.
Dr. Miller laughed.
The sound calmed me.
“No. I can assure you that Don Roberts is not V.” He shook his head like it was the most ludicrous thing he had ever heard.
“So who is V?”
“It’s not my place to say.”
“But you just told me all that other stuff. Just give me his name. A letter from his name. Anything. One tiny hint is all I’m asking.”
“He’ll tell you when he’s ready. Until then, look a little harder, Summer. See if you can’t find his light.”
