Sid in Space

by Rosemary Bach-Holzer

  In her excitement she nearly dropped her mobile into the saucepan of bubbling spaghetti.

  ‘Hello? Nearly lost you there for a moment! Is it? That’s great then, Mrs Sylvia, see you one week from today. Bye, then. Yes, that’s all right, bye.’

  ‘Hello, Shelia, it’s good to see you.’

  ‘How long are you home for, Dad?’

  ‘Only until Monday, Sidney,’ his dad replied as he removed his cap. ‘We have a lot going on at the moment what with the upcoming launch of our spaceship spider shuttle.’

  He crawled over to the kitchen table where he pulled out a chair and sat down.

  Sidney went to follow and then remembered he had to lay the table.

  ‘I don’t think I did too well at school today with my astronaut report,’ he said, grabbing a leg full of cutlery. He started to crawl towards the table when he remembered the serviettes. He turned back to the Welsh dresser, opened a drawer, and pulled them out. At the same time he grabbed the bowl of lettuce and greenfly salad.

  ‘Bring that back I haven’t added the spring onions,’ his mum called out.

  ‘Didn’t you, son? Well, not to worry, your grades have been excellent up to now. What did Mr Simon have to say then?’

  ‘That’s what I said,’ Sheila piped up. ‘Not to worry.’ She shook her spoon and a blob of Bolognese dropped to the floor where a beetle began to make short work of it.

  ‘Listen to your mother, Sidney.’

  ‘He hasn’t said anything yet. He wants to see me next week.’

  ‘Well, there we are then!’ Sitwell said as he spread six of his eight legs wide open. ‘You could be worrying for nothing, Sidney. If you need any extra tuition I’ll help you all I can. We’ll get you on the ESSP yet.’

  ‘Just imagine it, me, actually going on the European Spider Space Programme.’

  ‘Sidney, if you do, you’re a lucky boy, but you’ve studied hard and you deserve it.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’

  ‘What else has been going on since I’ve been away?’

  ‘Do you want the whole boring lot or just the interesting bits?’ Sheila grinned at her husband as she wiped the floor with a damp sheet of recycled kitchen roll.

  ‘I want the whole lot,’ Sitwell said. ‘I feel like I’ve been away weeks not days.’

  ‘They’re working you hard at SASA, aren’t they? It’s all to do with this spaceship spider shuttle, isn’t it? Do they have a name for her yet?’

  ‘Yes, yes and no,’ Sitwell replied. ‘Life as a flight major in the Spider Air Space Association is not for the faint-hearted,’ he said. ‘I can’t say much more than that I’m afraid, it’s all too classified.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘Can I help with anything?’ Sitwell said. ‘I’m sitting here doing nothing at all.’

  ‘We’ve got it covered between us, haven’t we, Sidney.’

  ‘Sure, Mum,’ Sidney said as he placed three bowls of steaming spaghetti maggot Bolognese on to the table.

  ‘You can always do the washing-up afterwards if you’re desperate for something to do,’ Sheila said with a chuckle as she sat down with the bowl of salad.

  ‘What’s for afters?’ Sidney piped up.

  ‘Lemon meringue fly,’ replied his mum.

  ‘Delicious!’ Sidney and his dad cried out in unison.

  They tucked into their meal and life at home with Sidney continued as normal.

  Chapter Three

  Today was Saturday.

  Sidney loved Saturdays. Saturdays meant no school and no early morning start. That meant more time for Sidney to dream about going up in space.

  But what if that didn’t happen? What if his dream didn’t come true?

  He sat up sharply causing his duvet to tumble to the ground. He’d rather be squirted with insect repellent than not become an astronaut… well, not really, but almost!

  What if his dream didn’t come true?

  The thought was horrific!

  He swung his eight legs out of bed and jumped to the floor. Not go up in space?

  That could never happen.

  Never!

  * * *

  ‘What are Sidney’s chances of being accepted on the ESSP?’ Sheila glanced at her husband over a steaming cup of coffee. She looked pretty in her dressing gown and curlers as she waited for Sitwell to reply.

  ‘Well,’ he gasped as he took a sip from his cup. The coffee was far too hot for him and as usual he’d leave it until it was almost tepid before trying again. ‘His chances are good but it’s not easy getting accepted.’

  ‘It’ll break his heart if he doesn’t get in,’ Sheila said. She put her coffee cup down to take a small bite of her moth blood and raspberry jam on toast.

  ‘Let’s wait and see what happens next week at the meeting.’

  ‘Yes, that’s the most sensible, isn’t it,’ Sheila agreed. ‘Meanwhile, I have a busy morning scheduled not to mention the removal of some hair extensions that went horribly wrong.’

  ‘Hair extensions that went wrong?’

  ‘Ooh, Sitwell,’ said Sheila, shuddering at the memory of it. ‘This poor girl, her extensions got caught in a revolving door and she just kept going round and round like candyfloss and as you can imagine she’s in a terrible state.’ She paused to take a sip of her coffee. ‘I didn’t put them in but she’s asked me to remove them and it’ll be a job and a half I can tell you.’

  ‘I’m sure,’ Sitwell replied. Hair extensions? He’d stick to his regulation short back and sides.

  ‘I can squeeze her in today only because my morning appointment for a haircut has been cancelled.’

  ‘Cancelled? Why is that?’

  ‘Well, the client rang me from Spinners Hospital after a knife nearly sliced her leg in two. Although she’s fine and will be up in no time with the help of three crutches it’s put her off having anything to do with sharp blades.’ She paused as she took a sip from her cup. ‘So, having a trim is out for starters. She’s booked herself in for next week to have highlights instead. Far safer, she told me, the poor thing.’

  ‘It’s lucky a spider’s leg heals quickly if the cut is not too deep,’ Sitwell remarked.

  ‘Are you taking Sidney on base today?’

  ‘Yes, I thought I might.’

  ‘I think it’ll be a good idea.’

  ‘I think so too. I could show him where work is being carried out on the spaceship spider shuttle,’ he said. ‘I have clearance to grant Sidney on-site authorisation.’

  ‘He’ll enjoy that.’

  ‘And it’ll be helpful for his exams. Every bit of information will assist Sidney in getting a place on the ESSP.’

  ‘I’d best be getting ready,’ Sheila said, glancing at the kitchen clock on the wall. ‘Have fun at the base,’ she added, blew a kiss, and scuttled off.

  ‘We will, love,’ he called after her. ‘And good luck with those hair extensions,’ he said with a shudder.

  * * *

  Later that morning, Sidney and his dad were in the car and on their way to the Spider Air Space Association base where Sitwell worked as a flight major. His work on the spaceship spider shuttle was top secret, guarded by the highest security.

  It was a privilege for Sidney to be allowed to go there for a visit.

  ‘Dad,’ Sidney said.

  ‘Hmm?’ his father murmured as he slowed down to avoid a family of ants crossing the road.

  The little sports car, an Alfa Romeo Spider Classic and Sitwell’s pride and joy, swerved round the few stragglers at the back causing Sidney to drop his Nintendo.

  Sidney picked it up and turned it off. He didn’t mind, he was losing anyway.

  ‘How much will I be able to see?’

  ‘Well, Sidney, I’ll show you as much as possible and believe me that will be more than the casual visitor but obviously you won’t be allowed access on to the spaceship spider shuttle itself.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘It�
��ll still be interesting though and I have a treat in mind for you.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I’m going to arrange a special clearance that will allow you to have a session in the spaceship spider shuttle simulation room.’ He glanced quickly at his son as he sped along the country lane. ‘Would you like that?’

  ‘Would I like that?’ Sidney repeated smiling so hard he thought he’d explode with excitement.

  They didn’t notice the two spiders crawling along the side of the road. They looked lost. They looked like they had nowhere to go and nothing much to do.

  ‘There’s that space cadet Sidney Spider!’ jeered one.

  ‘Yeah! He thinks he’s Nigel Armstrong,’ jeered the other.

  ‘And what’s wrong with that?’

  The two boys turned round to see who had spoken. It was a girl! The disgust showed on their faces.

  ‘I said, what’s wrong with that or can’t you answer a simple question? And it’s Neil Armstrong, by the way, not Nigel.’

  ‘What do you mean,’ snarled the one with the tattoo on his left leg. The second leg from the front. It could have been a tattoo of a rose but then again…

  ‘I was right! You can’t answer a simple question.’

  ‘What’s it to you, anyway?’ asked his well-dressed friend without any evidence of a tattoo. ‘You want a fight?’

  ‘That’s big and tough and no doubt your answer to everything,’ Stephanie replied.

  ‘Besides, you’ll have to go through me first.’

  They hadn’t heard Sacha crawl up behind them. They whipped round to face him as fast as their eight legs would allow.

  ‘Hello, Sacha.’ Stephanie smiled at her friend. ‘You’re just in time to hear why it’s so funny Sidney wants to become an astronaut,’ she said, crossing her two front legs. ‘And also to hear what these two intend doing with the rest of their lives.’

  ‘Not much from what I’ve heard,’ said Sacha.

  ‘It certainly looks like that,’ Stephanie said, nodding in agreement.

  ‘Come on, let’s get out of here I’m bored with this,’ snarled the one with the tattoo on his left leg. The second leg from the front. It could have been a tattoo of a greenfly but then again…

  ‘I couldn’t agree more,’ said Stephanie.

  ‘Yeah, we don’t have to listen to this,’ scoffed the well-dressed one without the tattoo. ‘Let’s go find some woodlice to eat. I bet there’s some in this direction,’ he said.

  Sacha and Stephanie watched as the two spiders crawled away passing a large sign on the side of the road.

  ‘I wonder why they didn’t stop?’ Sacha remarked.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘They ignored the warning sign.’

  ‘Warning…? Hang on a second,’ Stephanie said as she began to scramble inside her rucksack.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Looking for my glasses.’ She grinned. ‘Maybe they’re like me. Can’t see a thing without them. Ah! That’s better,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Oh no!’

  ‘Hey!’ shouted Sacha. ‘I wouldn’t go that way if I were you.’

  ‘Get lost,’ shouted the one with the tattoo on his left leg. The second leg from the front. It could have been a tattoo of a fish but then again…

  ‘Mind your own business,’ shouted the well-dressed spider with no sign of a tattoo.

  ‘It’s not safe!’

  ‘Sacha,’ Stephanie gasped. ‘What should we do?’

  Sacha glanced at Stephanie, grabbed her leg, and together they scuttled after the two boys.

  ‘Hey, wait a minute! Keep on walking in that direction and you’ll end up on the menu as tonight’s spider special,’ shouted Sacha.

  ‘What’s that?’ asked the one with the tattoo on his left leg.

  ‘A large family of lizards has recently moved to the area and their favourite meal happens to be...’

  ‘Spiders?’ said the well-dressed one in horror.

  ‘Exactly!’ Sacha and Stephanie replied together.

  ‘Why did you ignore the warning sign? Can’t you read?’ asked Sacha.

  Neither of them replied. They simply looked down at the ground and with the tips of their legs traced patterns in the dirt.

  Eventually one of them said in a quiet voice, ‘No, we can’t read, at least, not very well.’

  Sacha and Stephanie looked at each other and back at the two boys.

  ‘You two really are stupid, aren’t you?’ Stephanie said to them. ‘No.’ She held up one leg to stop them from interrupting. ‘No, not because you can’t read, not being able to read doesn’t make you stupid.’

  ‘What does then?’ they asked together.

  ‘What makes you stupid is your attitude. Going about behaving like a bully. Making fun of anyone who works hard. Anyone who does well at school.’

  ‘That’s right,’ Sacha said, nodding his head in agreement.

  Stephanie continued. She was in full flood. It was hard to stop her once she was in full flood.

  ‘Are you happy? Does acting this way really make you happy? It nearly got you eaten,’ she said, looking from one spider to the other. ‘And it’s boring! But all that can be changed if you went back to school.’

  The two spiders gazed back at Stephanie with their mouths hanging wide open in amazement. They glanced over at Sacha who was doing the same!

  ‘Go back to school and take them up on their offer to give you reading lessons. I know they provide them because a friend of mine had trouble learning to read. You’re not alone in this, you know.’

  ‘Some of the other spiders will laugh at us,’ said the well-dressed one.

  ‘She has a lot to say, doesn’t she,’ said the one with the tattoo.

  ‘You’d do well to listen,’ Sacha replied. ‘Isn’t she brilliant?’ he added in a whisper.

  ‘Who cares what they say? What does their opinion matter? Nothing. That’s what. Think about it. That friend I mentioned? He now works as the catering manager for an airline called Flies on Wheels and they supply meals for all of Scotland, Wales, England and Northern Ireland.’

  ‘What sort of meals,’ said the well-dressed spider.

  ‘Well, from Scotland they have maggie haggie for example.’

  ‘What’s that? asked the spider with the tattoo.

  ‘Maggot haggis,’ Stephanie said. ‘Along with leek and fly pie sprinkled with maggot eggs and grated cheese, fish with maggots and chips or curry and fly legs, and from Northern Ireland,’ she paused, ‘hmm… I don’t remember what they provide for the Irish run.’ She shook her head. ‘Anyway, my point is it’s not too late. It’s never too late to learn,’ she said. ‘Or change,’ she added.

  ‘That’s what our parents are always going on about but is it worth it?’ the one with the tattoo asked.

  ‘Of course it is! Listen to your parents, they do get it right sometimes, you know.’

  ‘I’ll never be an astronaut,’ he said, sadly. ‘I’m lousy at maths and physics.’

  ‘Perhaps not,’ Stephanie replied.

  ‘And I get airsick,’ he added. ‘Last year when we flew to Spain I was so sick I even had to use the sick bag belonging to the passenger sitting next to me and...’

  ‘Never mind that!’ Stephanie interrupted with a wave of her leg. ‘Yuck! Anyway, there are lots of other things you can do.’

  ‘What have you to lose?’ Sacha said.

  ‘Nothing, I guess,’ replied the well-dressed one. ‘You’re right. We’re not really happy being the way we are. And we didn’t want to fight,’ he mumbled. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘That’s all right,’ Stephanie replied.

  ‘Thanks! Both of you,’ he added gruffly.

  ‘Think nothing of it,’ Sacha said with a wave of his leg. ‘By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask. Where did you get that jacket? I love it!’

  ‘It’s brilliant, isn’t it,’ replied the well-dressed one as he swirled from one leg to the other to show it off bet
ter. ‘My uncle runs the men’s section of a boutique in town.’

  ‘Which one?’ asked Sacha.

  ‘Sericum. It’s opposite the Savoy Web Hotel.’

  ‘I know the one,’ Sacha said, thinking of the velvet jacket he’d tried on the week before. ‘Cool stuff.’

  ‘Hey! If I learn to read perhaps I can apply to work there as well,’ he said, and grinned.

  ‘Absolutely,’ said Sacha.

  ‘I’ve been meaning to ask something too,’ Stephanie said, as she pointed to the spider with the tattoo on his left leg. The second leg from the front. It could have been a tattoo of an aeroplane… no, not with his track record. ‘What is that? That tattoo of yours.’

  The spider looked down at his leg and shook his head. ‘That’s not a tattoo! That’s where I spilt some paint. Really hard stuff to get rid of too, I’ve tried everything, simply everything…’ he said, his voice trailing away as he rubbed at it first with one leg then another.

  ‘Get going both of you and remember what I said,’ Stephanie called out to them. ‘What we both said.’

  ‘We will. Thanks again.’

  ‘That’s all right,’ Stephanie and Sacha answered in unison.

  ‘Some spiders!’ Stephanie said, shaking her head at Sacha.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘What did they mean about eating woodlice? Yuck!’

  ‘I don’t like to eat woodlice either but it’s different for them.’

  ‘Why is that?’

  ‘They’re from a family of spiders called the Dysderidae.’

  ‘The dys... what?’

  ‘The Dys-deri-dae. This particular species is called the Dysdera crocata.’

  ‘The Dys-de-ra cro-ca-ta?’

  ‘That’s right. They hunt woodlice and beetles but eating woodlice is their favourite,’ Sacha explained. ‘Especially with gravy and chips,’ he added.

  ‘Oh yes, I remember now,’ Stephanie said. ‘I remember reading about them. Golly, Sacha, aren’t they supposed to be quite fierce?’

  Stephanie recalled how she’d stood up to them. Suddenly she felt faint and promptly swayed a little on her legs - all eight of them.

  ‘Stephanie! Are you all right?’

  ‘I think so,’ Stephanie replied. Her heart was beating twice as fast than normal. ‘Sacha!’ she breathed. ‘You were so brave.’

  ‘Not really,’ Sacha replied.

  ‘Don’t be so modest.’

  ‘Well, you were brave as well.’

  ‘All right, we both were.’

  ‘But every spider should be judged individually and not by reputation.’