Honeysuckle Summer
Page 16
Raylene wanted to believe that, too, but those reasons she’d enumerated were all stacked against them. With her ex-husband possibly poised to come back into her life with a vengeance, with Carter’s sister facing a possible eating disorder, to say nothing of a boatload of unhappiness, how could either of them even begin to think about the future?
“You don’t look very happy,” Sarah said when she arrived home from the fireworks later that night and found Raylene sitting in the dark all alone. While Travis took the kids in to put them to bed, Sarah switched on a couple of lamps and took a closer look. “You’ve been crying! What did Carter do?”
“He wanted to kiss me, and I blew him off.”
Sarah looked bewildered. “Why?”
“I’m wondering about that myself right now. He’s a decent, wonderful, caring guy, and he really seems to like me.”
“Isn’t that all good?”
“Right up until I add in all the things that make both of us a bad bet for a relationship.”
“You’re talking about Paul getting out of prison,” Sarah concluded.
“And my awful marriage. I didn’t walk away from that without scars, Sarah. The ones I have run pretty deep. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have a normal relationship with a man again. Every time Carter touches me, I get jumpy, and not always in a good way.”
“But sometimes in a good way, right?”
Raylene smiled. “Definitely sometimes.”
“You just need time to be sure you can trust him,” Sarah concluded. “Even I can see that, but talk it over with Dr. McDaniels when you see her. I’ll bet I’m right.”
“I’ll bet you are, too, but what if it never happens? What if I lead Carter on for a few weeks or months with the hope that things will get better, and they don’t?”
“He’s a grown man. I’m sure he understands the situation. He’ll deal.”
“But by then, it would more than likely break my heart to let him go.”
“Are you feeling all that great about sending him home tonight?” Sarah asked wryly.
“No, but you know what I mean. It will hurt a thousand times worse if I let myself fall in love with him and we can’t make it work. Plus, I haven’t even mentioned the complications in his life. What about Carrie? He needs to be able to focus on her problems right now.”
“All very valid points,” Sarah conceded. “But I’ll tell you what a very wise friend—that would be you—told me when I was questioning whether Travis and I could make it. Love flat out doesn’t come without risks and complications, but it’s worth it. Because when it works, there’s nothing more amazing. To not even try for that brass ring when it’s right within your grasp, that would be wrong. In a way, it will be letting Paul win.”
That, of course, was the most persuasive argument she possibly could have offered. No matter what happened down the road, Raylene vowed she would do absolutely nothing in any way that would let Paul have even the tiniest bit of control over the rest of her life. Whatever strength it required, she would find some way to keep that promise to herself.
Fortunately Carter was working the evening shift this week because that allowed him to hang around the house until Carrie and Mandy finally dragged themselves out of bed on the day after the holiday. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d allowed himself to linger in bed as late as those two did.
Of course, lately he hadn’t slept all that well either. Last night he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the conversation he’d had with Raylene about Carrie’s eating patterns. He didn’t want to think his sister was in trouble, but he couldn’t deny it was possible. The upcoming dinner with Raylene and Annie would tell the story, but like any good cop, he wanted to start assembling his own evidence.
When Carrie eventually wandered into the kitchen, she paused when she saw him, her ever-ready scowl settling into place. “What are you doing here?”
“Hanging out,” he said, determinedly keeping his own tone light. “My shift doesn’t start until three today. What are your plans?”
She shrugged. “Mandy wants to go swimming. I don’t know, though. I don’t like going out in public in a bathing suit.”
“Why on earth not?” he asked, then realized that when they’d been in Columbia and her friends had been over to swim in the hotel pool, Carrie had stayed on the sidelines wearing a cover-up over her suit. Was this a symptom of the messed-up body image that often came along with eating disorders? He’d read about that in the middle of the night when he’d gone online, determined to get up to speed on anorexia.
“I need to lose a couple of pounds before I’ll look good enough to wear that bathing suit I bought,” she said, confirming his fear.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he snapped without thinking. Obviously if there was a problem, it wouldn’t be solved by him yelling at her. He’d vowed to handle her with compassion and try his best to understand what was going on in her head.
“Carrie, you look great in anything you wear,” he said more gently.
“You’re just saying that because you think you’re supposed to,” she said, dismissing the comment as biased.
“No, I watched the way those boys were looking at you when we were in Columbia. Made me want to strangle every one of them,” he said with feeling. That had been true.
She almost smiled at his words, but then shrugged off his observation. “They’re just boys. If a girl’s got boobs, they look.”
Now he had to smother a smile at the accuracy of her assessment. “Possibly,” he admitted. Then, struggling to keep his tone even, he asked, “What did you have to eat over at Raylene’s yesterday? Did you try the fried chicken? I’d love to get Dana Sue’s recipe.”
“And we’ll all die from clogged arteries,” she retorted.
“Then you didn’t even taste it?”
She shook her head.
“How about the ribs? If Erik would teach me how to make the sauce, I could probably master those. We’d have to buy a big grill, though, one of those fancy gas grills.”
She frowned at him. “What is this? Are you on food patrol all of a sudden?”
“I was just asking,” he said. “I hate to think you missed out on all the fabulous food that everyone worked so hard preparing. You must have at least tried the apple pie.”
“Desserts aren’t my thing,” she said, already backing out of the room. “I need to go up and get dressed.”
She practically ran out of the kitchen. A moment later, Mandy came in. She immediately filled a bowl with cereal, then doused it with milk. Carter was relieved to see that there was nothing wrong with her appetite.
He hesitated, then asked, “Did your sister eat anything yesterday?” He knew he was asking her to breach some kind of sisterly oath of silence, but this was too important.
Mandy shrugged. “I’m not her keeper.”
“But you are observant, Amanda. This is important. Did she eat?”
Mandy frowned at his sharp tone. “Not when I was around,” she admitted. “What’s going on?”
“I’m just concerned that her dieting is getting out of hand.”
Mandy obviously grasped immediately what he was suggesting. Her eyes widened. “You mean like anorexia or something? We learned about that in health class. It can be really dangerous.”
“Exactly.”
Mandy set down her spoon and met his gaze. “Are you really worried, Carter?”
He nodded.
“I thought maybe she was just going through a phase or something,” she said, her own expression now filled with alarm. “What should we do?”
He patted her hand. “You don’t have to do anything, except keep your eyes open and let me know if she’s eating or not. I’ll handle this. And don’t worry. We’re going to make sure she’s okay.”
A couple of hours later, though, he realized he might have made things worse. He came out of his room wearing his uniform to hear Mandy and Carrie in the middle of a shouting match in the kitchen.
“Squirt here is trying to tell me what to do,” Carrie said, her cheeks flushed with indignation.
“I just fixed her a sandwich and told her to eat it,” Mandy said.
“I don’t want a sandwich,” Carrie snapped.
“Well, if you don’t eat, you’re going to die,” Mandy snapped right back, then burst into tears and ran from the room.
Carrie stared after her, a shocked expression on her face. “Why would she think I’m going to die?”
Carter sighed. “Because I told her I was worried about you not eating.”
“Gee, thanks,” she said. “I’m watching my weight, that’s all. She might want to give some thought to the way she eats, because if she’s not careful she’ll be big as a house by the time she’s my age.”
Carter frowned at her. “Don’t you dare suggest to Mandy that she needs to go on a diet. She’s perfectly fine.”
“But I’m not?” Despite her indignant tone, she looked genuinely hurt.
“You’re beautiful,” he said honestly. “But if you lose any more weight, you’ll be gaunt, rather than fashionably thin. If you don’t see how beautiful you are when you look in the mirror, then maybe that’s something we need to deal with.”
“Now you’re saying I’m crazy?”
Carter was so far out of his league, he didn’t even begin to know the rules. “You’re not crazy. But you may need to talk to someone to figure all this out.”
“What? Does Raylene get a two-for-one special if she drags me along to her shrink?”
Carter merely stared at her until she flushed.
“Sorry,” she murmured.
“I think we had this conversation before, but in case you’ve forgotten, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help,” Carter told her. “Raylene is very brave to be trying to face her problems. I admire her. I’d feel the same way about anyone who does whatever it takes to get better.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with me!” Carrie all but shouted at him, than ran from the room, up the stairs and into her bedroom, slamming doors in her wake.
Carter sighed. Well, he’d certainly made a mess of things so far. He could just imagine how well it would go over if he suddenly suggested having dinner at Raylene’s. That little experiment was going to have to remain on hold, at least until things calmed down. He just hoped by then, it wouldn’t be too late. Maybe he was the one who should see Dr. McDaniels to figure out how he’d managed to let things spin so far out of control.
Raylene called first thing in the morning and left a voice-mail message for Dr. McDaniels canceling her appointment. She was therefore stunned when she answered the door that afternoon and found the psychologist on the stoop.
“I canceled today’s appointment,” Raylene said testily. “Didn’t you get the message?”
“I did, but the good part about having you stuck here in the house is that I knew where to find you.”
Raylene scowled. “Was that supposed to be funny?”
“No, actually it was just an observation. Most people who cancel their appointments with me do it when they need to see me the most. I can’t always track them down.” She leveled a look into Raylene’s eyes. “Are you going to send me away?”
Raylene heaved a sigh at the daring note in her voice. “No, you can come in,” she conceded grudgingly.
“Thank you,” Dr. McDaniels replied solemnly. She took a seat in a chair, then waited for Raylene to sit. “What happened that made you want to avoid me?”
“I just don’t think we’re going to make any more progress,” Raylene said, thinking of her disastrous outing to the patio a few days earlier. She’d managed a couple of trips outside since then, but they hadn’t lasted long.
“Is that because you went outside on your own and had a panic attack?” the psychologist asked. “I hope not, because we’ve been outside together since that happened. You were just fine.”
Raylene regarded her with dismay. “You found out about what happened on the patio?”
“I ran into Annie. She told me. I’m surprised you didn’t mention it yourself.”
“I was trying not to make a big deal out of it.”
“Then that’s not the only reason you called to cancel today’s appointment?”
Raylene hesitated. She knew it was much more than that one incident. This was all about Paul and his upcoming release. “My ex-husband may be getting out of prison soon.”
“So you’re justifiably scared,” Dr. McDaniels said. “Notice that I said justifiably.”
“The only place I’ve felt safe while he was in jail was inside this house. How can I possibly go outside, when he could show up any second?”
“There’s a restraining order?”
“If there isn’t, there will be. I have someone checking to make sure of that.” She met the doctor’s gaze. “You and I both know it won’t mean anything, not if he really wants to come after me.”
“Then you need to be prepared.”
“I want to learn to shoot a gun,” Raylene told her.
Not even Dr. McDaniels, who was trained to keep her reactions neutral, was able to cover her surprise. “That’s your solution?”
“I can’t think of another one. I have to be able to protect myself. I won’t feel powerless, not again.”
“What about having a gun in the house with children? That seems like a bad idea to me.”
Raylene hesitated. This was the hardest part of her decision, facing a future that didn’t include Sarah and the kids. “I’m going to move.”
“How?” Dr. McDaniels asked simply. “You haven’t been able to leave the house for months and months. To move, you’ll not only have to step outside, you’ll have to get in a car and go someplace entirely new, someplace that’s bound to feel less safe and secure.”
“Maybe you can drug me and someone will carry me,” she said, only half-facetiously.
“That’s one way,” the doctor acknowledged, though it didn’t sound as if she’d go along with it. “Of course, it might be better for you to take your stance right here.”
“Not if it’s going to put Sarah and her kids in danger,” Raylene said flatly. “That’s not an option.”
“What do your friends have to say about this?”
“They’re all against it,” she admitted. “Carter says he has a plan to protect me, but I need to do this. No one seems to understand how important it is to me to stand up to Paul once and for all.”
“Well, I can certainly understand that. I even admire your determination.” She held Raylene’s gaze. “But there’s nothing wrong with standing up to Paul and having plenty of backup nearby. We’re talking about a man who’s beaten you more than once. No one, I don’t care how strong they are, would take chances with someone like that on their own. Even armed police officers or soldiers work with partners, and they’re trained to face danger.”
“I suppose,” Raylene said, seeing her point.
“There’s something else to consider,” Dr. McDaniels told her. “When friends want to help, sometimes it’s important to let them, as much for their sakes as for your own. It’s not a sign of weakness.”
She waited until Raylene met her gaze. “Your friend Carter, for instance. He’s a policeman. You might not have known him when Paul was abusing you, but I imagine he feels pretty awful that he wasn’t there back then.”
Raylene nodded. “He’s said that.”
“Don’t you think he wants to be here for you now?”
“But protecting me is not his responsibility.”
“He apparently thinks it is.”
Raylene knew that was true. Carter clearly felt involved in keeping her safe. She knew all about the big meeting he and the other men had held over at Travis’s. Though he hadn’t told her all the details of their plan, she knew there was one.
“If anyone got hurt because of me, I’d never forgive myself,” she s
aid.
“And if you got hurt because they did nothing, they’d never forgive themselves,” Dr. McDaniels countered. “Protecting each other is what friends do, Raylene. It seems to me you have some very good ones. Best of all, you have at least one who actually knows how to defend you and keep you safe. I’d rather see any gun in his hand than in yours.”
There was no doubt that Dr. McDaniels had a valid point about that. When Raylene was being totally rational, she knew that without adequate training there was a better-than-even chance she’d wind up accidentally shooting herself rather than Paul.
Dr. McDaniels stood up. “Will you think about what I’ve said?”
“Of course.”
“And will you be ready to get back on track and go outside when I come back later in the week? I think it’s time to reexamine our goals.”
Raylene regarded her with suspicion. “Meaning what?”
“You told me you used to like to garden. You also told me about the garden that Carter planted for you. Who’s been tending to that?”
“He’s been by a couple of times. So have his sisters.”
“Wouldn’t you like to take care of it yourself?”
“Did you miss the part about me falling apart last time I was out there?”
The doctor shrugged it off. “It was a setback. Don’t let it be an excuse to stop trying. When I come back, we’re going to spend a half hour out there watering and weeding, whatever it needs. Then you’re going to keep it up on your own.”
Raylene wanted to believe it was possible, but she hesitated. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that.”
“The only way to know is to try,” the doctor said easily. “I can be pretty persuasive when I put my mind to it.”
Raylene smiled. “Yes, I’ve seen that firsthand. You got me to let you in here today without even half trying. Who knows what you can get me to do if you’re determined.”
The psychologist chuckled at her resigned tone. “You know we started down this path to your recovery because you were finally motivated. There’s nothing to prevent us from finishing, because I’m the one who’s motivated. I believe you’re going to get better, Raylene. It’s not until we both give up that the battle’s lost.”