He grips me harder. Then he jerks me close, harsh and needful as he catches me to his body as though I am his requirement for survival. As soon as our bodies touch, the breath leaves me and all tears and agony break me to pieces as he pulls me close.
“I love you,” he breathes as though sick, as though weak. “I love you and don’t care if you can’t love me now…I can make you love me…I’ve felt you love me…I know you…God, don’t let this be sin…please God…I need you...” I feel his face brush my ear and I am shaken. “I love you…please forgive me for this…” He rubs his face along my neck, whispering and panting against my skin. “I love you…I love you…” I can feel his hands trembling as though uncertain of his right or wrong, as though worried to hurt me. Even his voice is shaking ever so gently. “Leifde.”
I can’t mask it. I don’t even know the emotion myself. I am crying…it is all I know other than that he loves me. I feel the tears pour as I feel it: utter happiness. I feel all tension leave me with every tear that falls. Yet as tears fall, I feel no sorrow fall with them; only happiness. I cannot ignore it as it intensifies. I feel tears chill my cheeks and wet his shirt but all the same I want to giggle, to laugh, to smile. I feel him and can’t help it; I feel joy.
“I love you…never let me go without you…I will never leave you…I will take you anywhere, just let me show you this part of life…Lyra, my Lyra, my Lyra…” He nuzzles me devotedly, leaving more tears running down my face.
Feeling my sharp inhalation, he draws back his head a little and I willingly let him see me. He finds all my tears and in seconds his eyes come to mine. He looks into me with concern. “Lyra…?” His voice is gentle and worried.
All I can do in response is smile. I see his concern fade as my lips turn up and I can’t make them do anything else.
He watches me. “Lyra…”
I smile again and can’t help but let more tears fall. “Joy,” I half whisper it.
His eyes grow uncertain.
“I am feeling joy,” I half whisper, half giggle it this time as more tears spill down my cheeks causing me to choke.
His face becomes softer, and once more I am able to see the light in his eyes. His hands stop their trembling, and instead I feel a tremble inside greater than any experience. Ever so gently, he brings me closer. I sink in here, letting my body lean soothingly along his. He tilts his face to the side of mine and lightly traces his fingertips along my hair. Somehow, he turns my head and slowly he kisses the tears along my cheek. I let him willingly.
“You wish this?”
It comes as a gentle hum, one which sounds sweet to my ears.
“I wish this,” I say back.
“Tell me what it is you want.”
I open my eyes to slits against his cheek. “Take me somewhere safe,” I whisper. “Take me and keep me away from harm…” I hesitate. “Take me with you.”
He remains close but is silent as though thinking. “Take you…” He trails off and I understand his meaning. Where?
“Take me to the wall…” I say it gently, though I know he might take it much less lightly.
He does. His hands tense up on me. “That is not safety.”
I draw my face back from his cheek a little. “It is my home.”
He inhales but does not release the breath. “I could take you to a new one.”
The words light something inside me, but I make myself protest. “I wish that,” I say gently. “I wish it with everything I have…but I can’t let all of Leyden suffer for my happiness.”
He pauses, then, firmly brings me closer. “I am here for you.”
I savor the moment, just a second of his words sinking in. I gradually let it pass. “I need you to be there…I will go…but I need you close in case anything goes…” I hesitate. “You will be there to stop it…won’t you?”
He does not move. “My first challenge is letting you go here…second will be following you at least a few feet back there…I am afraid I cannot help but be close.”
I hesitate. “You won’t get aggressive?”
He nuzzles near to me. “No…but possessive.”
I close my eyes. “Don’t let it get to you unless I make some indication.”
He pauses. “I need you to promise me one thing.”
I feel a tingly feeling in my gut and I realize we have been here for at least a few minutes. They would be looking for me.
“We need to go,” I urge it gently.
He draws back slightly. “Stay with me.”
I nearly stop letting go and have to force myself to continue. “Only if I can.”
He pauses. “Your definition?”
I look up into his beautiful eyes and for the first time find very little calm in them. As though they had lost a battle with the emotion of worry. “Nadeje, we need to go…”
He takes my face in his hand. “If I lose…”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Then I will lose everything…”
I make to finish my answer, but a sound behind me opens my eyes. It steals his gaze as he looks up and remains so. I feel my heart begin to pound and my legs stiffen.
“Nadeje?” I whisper.
There is another sound, and slowly a couple footsteps follow.
“Release her,” the voice is somber and holds the tone of one of my guards.
Nadeje does no such thing. There are a few more steps.
“I command you to release Ms. Orange.”
“Nadeje, let me go.” Though I do not desire it.
He continues his gaze past me and does not respond.
My heart wavers.
“Sir, I ask you to release the girl.”
“Let me go,” I try.
He does nothing. My heart falters. He needs to move. I beg him. God, please…If this was punishment for when I would not leave him and run, I hate it, I hate him. I dig my nails into his stomach.
“Nadeje,” I try. He does not respond. I cannot let him stay. “Nadeje, run,” he stares constantly. I dig my nails in hard. “Nadeje!”
His gaze comes to me. The fierceness and anger in his eyes causes an overwhelmed pressure to push at my courage, but I command myself to remain calm enough to speak. Slowly, his eyes gentle on me as though assured.
I muster up everything I can inside. I make my hands relax on him and grasp instead to his shirt. I have to do it, else I know he won’t. I remember the flash of his eyes that night when he first almost kissed me. I remember his teachings of freedom, of how it is always there, and how if only people acted on it like it was theirs already. The words sparkle clearly to me as his eyes do. I see the mystery hidden behind his eyes. I realize the message. I realize that if this is the last moment, it had to be the most precious. I know his meaning. If he acted on it, surely they would harm him for inappropriate and forced engagement with me…but if it was me…
Before I can let myself hesitate, I jerk forward. I move without control or thought. My hands fly to his neck and I leap up to my toes as I irrationally pull his head down to meet mine. The shock of his warm breaths closeness is dizzying, but it vanishes just as soon as the space between our lips. I kiss him. I feel it before I know it has happened, and it takes a moment to regain my senses. Soon, I lose them again.
A wash of coolness causes me to shudder into him, and it weakens as the warmth of his mouth moves over mine. He is cautious with me, following and not leading in case of their wrath. Momentarily, seeming to believe in my intentions, he slowly moves his hands up to cup my face and bring me closer. I kiss him moderately but deeply, treasuring it to be held in my mind for the rest of however long it may be. He groans a little into my mouth and I release a small staggered breath. He delicately presses against the back of my head to tilt me closer, and gradually, not hearing the guard making any indication to stop it, I let him.
There is a light splash against my face and I feel tears burn in my eyes as I know time is running out. I feel my chest catch and pull my mouth back a little from h
is.
“Run and go…”
The whisper lasts a millisecond between us, for our lips brush back together again and I breathlessly let him go on. I press him gently as he seems to know it is ending and silently, I let out a long breath against his cheek. He whispers something against my lips to me but I cannot make it out. I reply with a gentle pressure and I feel him mouth the word “Lyra” back to me. I feel the tension in the air, though he is as relaxed as ever. I feel him slow further and know now is the last piece of the memory. I kiss him once and he lightly returns it. Slowly, I part our lips.
I feel our breaths combine as we stay within inch distance of each other. I let the breath tumble out with the whisper.
“You need to go…”
He disobediently presses close.
“Let me go and leave…run and go free…”
He exhales softly and it trembles against my lips. I fight the urge to groan and push forward.
“Remember our plan…go…please go…”
He frowns against me and I feel the resentment in him as his hands tighten adamantly.
“Nadeje…” I breathe scared. “My Nadeje…”
He pauses against me and I feel my heart falter. I have touched him. I let it out.
“I love you, dearly.”
His eyes open as mine do and he stares at me with a blissful expression. I have changed him. I feel tears blur my vision as his eyes clear. There is a moment where there are only the stars above and the earth below and him right in the middle with me, but I know my place and silently push aside the notion of seclusion. He brushes his nose to mine and slides it along my cheek bone. He remains and kisses me twice on my forehead, once on each brow. I beg him silently. He leans his face to mine and they fit together perfectly. His warmth is comforting. I keep my eyes closed for it is more bearable that way. There is the light detachment of his hands and he whisks away. My eyes open into darkness as he leaves me.
I feel the guard behind me stride forward and know the pain is coming. There is the sharp absence of his frame fitting along mine and I ignore it knowing the price could have been undesirable. The shouts are background as I frightfully watch the shadows of Nadeje disappear into the alley. I release the tension in my body and slowly relax. I am grabbed from the back and the tension returns, though not as much. I turn willingly to the guard as he snatches me to him and squeezes my arm in warning. I feel him urge me forward on my last path, opposite from Nadeje’s. I accept and shortly I let him take me on.
The rain is misty now, but it strengthens in the wind and brings a cooling air to the weather. I step slowly but steadily, not thinking to hurry in the shadows over uneven ground. The street begins to feel slippery in some places, and the fluttering in my stomach causes anxiety to help me further. Then, there was a soft rumble above and I feel my skin prickle in warning: Thunder. I hasten, knowing a greater risk of falling was better than remaining out if lightening joins its faithful companion. The rain hardens as there is a small lighting flash above. I long for the warmth and shelter of Nadeje’s body to be near to me again. I push this aside with a need to focus on where I am now. I have been walking at least ten minutes, maybe fifteen. I must be…
I see it. The wall stands up abruptly in my path at least 60 feet from where I am positioned. I feel a light thudding in my chest and my pulse hardens in my neck. I am too close to want to go on. There are a few individual dark forms close to the wall at an interval of every sixteen feet, making it impossible for anyone to escape or climb the wall. Luckily, this is not my intention. The distance between the men though, could come useful to one who is trying not draw attention, especially with the rainy haze clouding the eye from far off motion.
I take a deep breath as I round the corner of a house and step quietly over the ground, even though the rain must block any error. I lose sight of it as I turn into a dry alley which I hurry across, and then I return to my path. I step to one of the small bridge-like constructions over one of the city’s canals which run through and around the streets from the east. There is a shiver running along my spine as I close in on the wall.
Then, someone grabs me. I gasp and turn in time to see that it is not Nadeje. It must be one of my guards. I struggle to free myself. The man is short but brawny, and the more I fight the more he grunts and tightens his hold on my wrists. Then, there is a loud clash and his eyes widen as his grasp loosens. He turns his back on me.
I am released and there is the sound of metal on metal and I know I have been saved. I stumble and move back to stay on my feet, but my knees buckle and I am useless. I fall back and land on my hip. I cringe but find it not as painful as I had expected, so I manage to crawl back. There is the sound of thunder in the distance and I didn’t realize how hard the rain has gotten.
Suddenly, there is a flash and a savage rumble like cannon fire. There are shouts and I automatically begin to rise. I don’t know where to turn it is so dark. A second flash reminds me where I am. I am on my feet but am still trembling. I run.
I run forward not knowing where else. I hear a crack and savage yell before me, and a breaking sound in harmony with a flash of lightening. I cannot see where I am apart from the shadows moving around me. I sob out in worry that they might see me, but they seem distracted by something else. I listen.
“She’s coming down! Run!”
I frown at the cry. Coming down? Rain and lightning, could they mean?
Then, I hear it, another fierce crack and the sound of…crumbling?
Suddenly, a chorus of yells and cries fill the space around me, echoing beneath in the canals as the night-watchers begin to run. I hear doors slam in the distance. Then it happens. There is an atrocious crash and the ground seems to vibrate lightly. It frightens me as there are some cries which do not finish. The sound of water running is all that finishes the last of my courage to remain here.
I run. This is my mistake. I run forward and soon find that it is toward the sounds being made. There is another crunch as something heavy falls and hits the ground. I look around me but see nothing threatening. I trip on something and land hard on a rocky surface…rubble. What was it? I scratch myself as I try to get up. Was this…I turn my head and see unfamiliar blackness. I hear the water now, right in front of me.
The wall.
I back away and look out through the opening which has been created by the cracking rocks. There is another sound as the rocks adjust in their stacking and queasiness fills me. The lightening had hit the wall, which meant…There is a crack and a series of tumbling stones fall in the distance. I run away from the wall, but it surrounds the whole city. Shadows dance across the ground, and rain only diminishes the use of eyes in the night.
There are some shouts and battling yells.
“The Spanish are coming!”
“The Dutch have arrived!”
I am too busy trying not to trip over something that I can hardly contemplate the two sides of the yelling. Then, one stops me.
“Lyra!”
I halt in my tracks. I listen, hard over all the other shouts and cries.
“Lyra!” The yell is desperate and familiar to me.
I look about me but cannot see anyone near.
“Leifde!”
This time it is closer. This time I know it is Nadeje. I turn a circle around me, but I cannot see anybody.
“Lyra!” I hear it to my left and forward, still a distance away.
“Nadeje…” I whisper. I walk forward as there is another flash. I see the many running shadows and beg God that the one calling my name would run in this direction.
“LYRA!”
I feel my tears take over and break down. “Nadeje!” I cry.
There is silence and I hear only the other shouts to run and get help.
I feel fear grip me. “Gilch?!...Nadeje…NADEJE!”
Then, it comes. “Lyra?!”
I bolt forward then stop. “Gilch!”
A flash lights up the space before me. He must see me, fo
r I feel something shift inside. There is a yell and another vicious crack. I feel my heart falter. There is a crumbling sound and something behind me slips out of its place in the wall.
“Move!”
I turn and see it crumbling down towards me. I scream. Then, I fall.
Chapter 22
I feel nothing and see nothing. All my senses are diminished other than hearing.
I hear everything: the shouts, the rain, the thunder, the water, the calls, the cries, even the rocks adjusting in their place. Darkness envelops me and I feel light and airy, as though I could fly, but something is holding me down. Suddenly, a pain shoots through my head and my eyes fly open into darkness. I feel a weight crushing me and pinning me to the floor.
My body aches. There is a pounding in my head and I feel close to a fever. I cannot remember where I am for a moment. Then I remember.
Nadeje.
He was here…I let out a small groan of pain and feel a tear stream down my cheek. I feel fear grip me as I endure the throbbing in my body. What if I am forgotten? I close my eyes recognizing that all I see is ground and dark blurs. I try to command myself to move but I cannot; the weakness in my head and limbs is too strong.
I remain and decide that I will stay here, forget all things and let myself sink into the ground, beaten. I dream off into a world where I am alone and at peace, where I can be by myself with no one to be frightened of. Where Nadeje would come to me and I could feel him without feeling guilt or shame, without having to worry about propriety’s risk. Where I could hear him calling me with love and no hesitancy, with desperation and need.
Then, in the back of my mind I hear it, him calling me. “Lyra!”
There is a space and I feel my heart falter.
“Lyra! God, Lyra!”
I am back. I wake up from the dream and suddenly the weight crushing me feels more real. So does the yell.
“Lyra!”
This time, I feel a weak tug inside. Nadeje…I hear boots scratching over the ground, scuffling closer. Rocks are thrown aside and there is desperation in the movements. It is not a dream.
Tears of Leyden Page 17
