He quietly feels the laces and begins to tighten them. When he has finished, he seems unsure of how to tie it. I do not mind and nestle into him to show him this much. He becomes sure again, and then gently presses me under him to lean over top of me, to see me, to speak to me. His eyes are twinkling and lovely in the lamplight, and I can’t seem to stop searching them for the oddest things.
“I am sorry,” he gently breathes it to me, strain in his throat.
I watch him. “No,” I say it softly, assuredly.
He balances himself up on his elbows over me, looking down. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I blink. “Live.”
He cracks a smile. “I meant it to be romantic.”
I lightly feel his hair. “I am following your example of staying calm and honest.”
He drops down and bundles me to him. “Are you saying I am not romantic?”
I giggle. “You are passionate.”
He chuckles a little against me and turns to his side, bringing me against his chest. “You are beautiful.”
I blush a little, lightly feeling his collar. “You are dutiful.”
He brushes my hair. “You are loyal.”
I smile. “You are bountiful.”
He frowns against me. “Are you saying I am fat?”
I laugh at the remark and feel over his abdomen. “No.”
It is low and playfully grumbly. “You had to check. Great.”
I pull him to me and snuggle closer. He is warm and the surface of his body feels right for me.
I grin. “I love you.”
He smiles. “You are lovable.”
I push at him and he chuckles back to me, drawing me tightly in. “If we were alone completely, I would define that…elaborately.”
The vibration of his voice is soft and warm, deep and rich, loving and full. I go a little breathless as I see what he is implying and can only answer with a small sound. “Nade.”
He feels my presence dwindling with his address to that possibility, and lightly nuzzles me back. “I love you, and will wait years for you to be prepared for me…I only ask that you tell me as soon as you are.”
I would have said “now,” if not for the knowledge that here cannot be the right place, the right shelter, or the right safety. It needed to be somewhere else alone; all alone.
“Leifde.”
I relax again, only now I find myself less conscious of his every touch. I close my eyes and rest in his embrace. Everything outside of it seems an illusion. Everything outside of me feels foreign apart from Nadeje. I snuggle closer. He wraps me in. I allow myself to drift. I am safe. I will be safe. I have found peace. I can remain at peace.
My eyes flutter open to the sounds outside the door to my room. The door opens and so does a new path. We don’t look up until there is a clearing of a throat which causes Nadeje to raise his head and look in the direction from which it came. There is a moment of silence as he observes it, then he comes back to me and begins to let me go. It takes a moment but I manage to stop clutching him. Our eyes meet and linger and his hand passes along my cheek. He stands off the bed and starts for the door. I follow a few moments later, and see that some guards and my vader stand in the door.
I feel my head spin as Nadeje walks to him and leaving respectable space between himself and my vader he bows his head and raising it looks him directly in the eyes.
“May I speak with you?” it is sincere and firm and holds certainty.
I watch his back and can’t help but wonder if I had always seen it the way I do now; strong and able, slender and firm with a sense of commitment to everything he binds to.
My vader glances past him to me as though to make sure no harm has been done. Seeing me standing however, he looks back and gives a single nod.
I step forward as they begin out the door. Nadeje does not turn back to me but I don’t mind; I trust him as much as I did my own moeder after birth.
As I start forward, vader holds me back. “There is a dress coming for you and I hope for you to be fed within the hour. You feel better…I presume?”
I nod once but by the time I look up to him he is starting out the door. Every ounce of me wishes to follow, but I remain put.
I trust him. I trust him with all my heart and soul.
Chapter 32
I stand on the deck of the ship as the wind chooses to blow my hair behind me as I walk the distance across the wooden boards. I am wearing the new dress of blue silk, and feel only more so like royalty as it fits perfectly in measure and comfort and is soft against my skin. It matches my eyes well, but the blueness of it is dull in a manner which made me turn away from the mirror in fear of its gloom. Blue being a sad color, a color of loss to me, I felt that I had already lost the battle I have with Nadeje.
I skirt the side of the ship and stop as I gaze out across the water, unsure of my boundaries now but also sure that my path will lead beyond them. I welcome the warm breeze as it invites me to breathe the clean air, and through it the scent of Nadeje after getting dunked in the river last night drifts to my nose. I inhale and exhale it freely as I am somewhat at ease after the bath I was made to take. I deserted though, the meal laid out for me, determined not to eat until Nadeje could eat with me, side by side.
I find myself gripping the railing of the ship and try to loosen my hands and command myself to leave it be, but my nails prick into the wood instead.
The image of Nadeje the day he found me washes up on the shores of my mind. His humility and his respectful nature when I was terrified all I can remember. I do not any longer blame him for my family, for it was a thing where it happened without fault in either one of our hands.
I swallow as I remember asking him to adjust the curtains in his room, and how there he expressed his first expressions to me. His hands had been so warm, so gentle, and so soft against my cheeks. I recall my fear of it gaining my heart and blush.
I re-taste the sweetness of his lips upon mine that night after dinner, and feel his arms going around me.
I remember how he took to the market, gave me space to choose from the options in the letter, granted me anything I needed, and never treated me wrongly.
I recollect his promise to keep me safe, and his protection. The kisses we shared and the crying I left him soaked after, him carrying me from the wall and his hand leaving mine. The boat and the water where we met again, his words still ringing so I can feel them whispered against my lips almost on repeat. “Marry me.” I remember his bandaging my hand and my fear when he was taken from me the second time. I recall the obscured blurriness of him nursing me and I remember his try at saying an oration of marriage to tie us in secret. Last, I remember him leaving the room and how he has not yet returned.
I look out across the sea again and this time I let myself grip the side of the boat entirely.
Were they speaking? Did they fight? Was our love turned to ash by my vader’s will? Was he accused of lying for the grant of marriage?
I blink past the pain inside and gaze out past the fog and past the water flow, past it all. I trust him with all my heart, but I no longer trust my vader.
My fingers have gone white from gripping the edge, but I cannot unclamp them. I need to hold onto something to not race away and use them instead to rush into my vader’s office and interrupt his interview with Nadeje.
I keep my eyes trained out and listen to the sounds from the dock, the speaking and moving of the food brought for the city as Mariana had told me. She also said my vader planned to build a University here, so he would stay in Leyden until construction was permitted by the government. I was to join him, or to go to his home in Holland. I hoped my engagement to Nadeje would not be disturbed either way. I think of their discussion and hate not being able to be with him. I hate the silence which I am kept in and wonder if my anger comes from being spoiled by Nadeje as being his equal. I cannot get used to it in case I am in company and I am treated lesser or more than another…but I a
m afraid I already have.
I grip the boat and stay rooted to my place. The sounds of sea gulls cawing above makes me irritated so I turn to the shuffles and scuffs of boots upon the deck. I listen to them all moving like music and try not to concentrate on anything else.
Two hands curl around mine from behind and I close my eyes.
“Beloved,” it is soft and honest; with no secrets.
My body wants to turn around and see but I make it not. For now I know what lies behind me, and as I look ahead I also know that the gap of empty space above the water, like the gap in a lost soul, will never lie there again.
Epilogue
I shakily step in silence towards the door, the cold flooding across my skin. I slowly grasp the door handle and gradually turn it in the direction for it to open. I step into the room and shut the door behind me, my breath shallow and my body airy in the dainty nightdress I wear. I can’t help but wonder if the white fabric is too flimsy, if it is see through, or if my figure is noticeable in the absence of a corset.
The room is dimly lit with candles, leaving it aglow and giving it warmth even as the air is cold. Nadeje sits at his desk beside the window, his side facing me. When I enter, he turns and lifts his attention from his work, resting his gaze on me. He is thoughtfully silent a short while. I feel a little awkward and choose to break this silence.
“What are you doing?” It comes out soft and inquisitive, unsure almost.
He takes a moment to respond, his eyes observing me with what looks like affection. “I am distracted.”
I blush and try hard to ignore how my breath trembles as he rises. “I will try not to…”
His eyes are all sincerity. “You can’t not.”
He comes to me, soft and meaningful, his eyes never leaving mine. He stops a foot away, leaving rational space between us, but only enough so that it is not forceful. He demonstratively twines his fingers with my hair, allowing me to feel his proposal, and then cordially brings me to him. I watch him as he bends low and kisses my forehead. With that one gesture it is as if everything around us has vanished, and all the warmth from his lips seems to spread from that one point on my face to throughout my entire body, every limb and nerve being soothed by his one energized gesture. I don’t look away as his hands comb down my tresses and take mine, his touch gentle and purposeful. He unhurriedly leads me back to the bed.
We sit down, facing each other, our movements harmonious, the harmony seeming to come from two chords made for each other, made by the same instrument, but not yet truly unified. He lightly feels my cheek, and then leans in and kisses my neck strongly. Everything around me apart from him seems unstable. I weaken and fold into his lap, kissing him back on the ear. It is not out of desire or sorrow, out of revenge or insecurity, but it is out of pure love, the want to share with one another, the want to be one another, and the want to give service to one another that I feel we continue. He gradually brings me down, and we go on.
My eyes flutter open to the yellow light of early morning. It is probably anywhere from six to seven o’clock, meaning the town would be up soon too. Nadeje lies on his side facing me, his eyes closed and a sense of reconciliation on his face. I notice the jut of his olive shoulder from under the covers and the hair disheveled on his head. It reminds me of something I feel has changed, but I can’t figure out what. I watch him a moment longer, and then close my eyes and curl closer to him, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine process without difficulty. Then, I realize.
We did it.
My eyes open to find the structure of his shoulders and chest. I don’t know how to feel. I can’t move. I feel my heart beating calmly in my chest, and can’t help but wonder if the composure came from his sharing with me last night, from our exchange of sentiments in that time. I think though, it is because I knew we were made of the same instrument, written together and played, just played as different chords for the longest time.
I feel Nadeje’s presence enter his body as his breath shifts against me. He wakes. I let a few moments pass by without indicating that I am here, not wanting to be seen awake yet, not ready to share the truth of what we manifested last night, but he seems to already know. I gently tilt my head up to look at him, and find his eyes open to mine. He observes me a moment, and then brings me tightly against him.
“I don’t want to leave this spot.”
His voice is lenient in response, gentle and loving. “We don’t have to.”
“But the company…” I remember Arturo’s stay here, and regret agreeing to him completely.
Nadeje breaks into my reminder with comfort. “I assured that the service was not allowed to make entrance.”
I am still against him, unsure of how to feel. “You knew we would have…”
“No,” he redirects my mistaken course. “I figured you were tired and would need the rest and sleep…I never dreamed you’d be so…”
I smile. “Insisting?”
He is earnest. “Willing to let me…”
“Let you make love to me.” We watch each other a long while until I say it. “You are the only one I will let do it.”
He is soft as he brings me in. “You are the only one I would give it too.”
I smile and snuggle further into his warm chest, feeling its movement against me and enjoying the liberty to do so. I run my hands up to his shoulders and feel over the beautiful framework of his form. I think over the payment for this freedom, and think it unfair but almost unsubstantial to me at the same time. The options had been clear, and basically the following: Nadeje or vader. The price of losing vader had pressed at me the first moment, but now I can't imagine the opposite decision. It is unfortunate that we lost the money and family title, but it was too short a time with the authority of that rank for it to matter to me.
Nadeje lost his position long since the Spanish left, and so vader made a contract that he had to get an income before I could be claimed as his. Nadeje got a stable job in the market business with the printing press within the course of a few days, and his works in journalism were promised to be printed in our city within the next few years. Vader then accepted him to take me in, or claim me, as he called it. I address it as him taking me home.
Nadeje and Arturo fixed the house, Arturo’s returned favor being to stay with us until he could get transportation back to Spain, or could find his own lodging here. I agreed primarily because I supposed he couldn’t do much harm with Nadeje and I being just wed, Nadeje generally spending most of his time with me for the next few days, but now I don’t want to face him after what Nadeje and I just faced last night.
Last night was the first serious expression we had between one another despite being together the past couple nights.
Vader paid for the wedding, but did not accompany me down the aisle. I did not mind however, because after the ceremony we were given the freedom to be romantic to one another despite the priest and Arturo. After the ceremony, we came home and Nadeje allowed me to use his room as he took care of Arturo in the outer rooms. By the time he reached our chamber, I must have been near sleep for him not to converse with me for much longer than an hour. After all I had exhausted my energy over the past few weeks; I suppose it was reasonable for me not to have been able to stay awake. The next evening it was nerves, nerves that kept me from expressing my true devotion to him, but also his patience, and his sense for me, his knowing that it was not yet the right time. As for last night, it was that I finally saw past the physical, the sensational, all the unsubstantial, and I saw what was, and what we wanted.
I think over how I could have been a part of history, a part of the ancient world to generations after us, or a part of famous ranks to those today. I also think over how I am living a peaceful life; not worrying if I need die, not worrying if I need go or leave those I love for duty or for commandments. I may not have longevity through history, but I had something eternal.
I am forgotten by those who think of the small things, or the big things, ho
wever you may call them; the things about rank, or pigment of skin, or religion, or gender, or royalty, or war; the things that do not matter. But I will be remembered by those who look past all that, who see purpose and who consider the unknown; those who feel deeply, those who prevent, not protect and cause war, those who forgive and let go, and those who are free for life, even if in bounds. I had not the worry of being slaughtered for my name, or taken for my fortune.
I don't mind that I am forgotten because in turn I have been given longevity with my life. Longevity with Nadeje.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To all who have helped me finish this book:
Michelle, you have given me the best cover and artistic design I could have ever hoped for, and have worked with me through all your other projects and hectic schedule; thank you dearly.
Rajasekhar Ampolu, thank you for finishing my cover design and for working with me through Deepak and Haritha. I really appreciate all the work you put into the art, and your openness to taking on the project.
Deepak, thank you sincerely for all the time you spent with me on the interior design, without you I wouldn’t have been able to proceed.
Haritha, thank you for your endless support and for sharing Deepak and Rajasekhar.
Ale, you have read and edited my story in one week, that, my friend, is what I call talent. It took me just that to edit it and it’s my book!
To all my teachers, especially Mrs. Morales: thank you for supporting me in all my emotional breakdowns and every step of the way here.
Autumn, thank you for always being my best fan, and smiling through countless hours of listening to my manuscripts. I hope to sometime soon get out those Phoenix and Aletheia books to the world for you.
Friends and family; thank you for being patient with my philosophical and melancholic nature and putting up with a ton of epiphanies, time gaps in relationships, and procrastination in other parts of life.
Tears of Leyden Page 31
