Filling a glass with water, Belinda felt a curious mixture of dread mingling with taunting heat racing through her body as she thought of sleeping next to Derek.
Funny, in all their history together, they’d never slept together. Whenever, wherever they’d made love, Belinda had always gone home when their passion was spent.
She took a sip of the cool water, her thoughts racing back in time. On the night of the fire, Belinda had planned to spend the night with Derek. His parents were to be gone all night and they’d planned on being together, falling asleep and awakening in each other’s arms.
Belinda had chickened out, afraid Derek’s parents might come home earlier than planned, afraid of being caught in an indelicate position.
Her heart skipped a beat as a new thought intruded. Was it possible the fire had never been intended to harm Derek or his family? Was it possible she’d been the target all along?
She slammed her glass down and raced up the stairs to the master suite. She skidded to a stop as she saw Derek, already in bed, the sheets at his waist, exposing the tanned expanse of his muscular chest.
A lamp on the bedside stand was the only illumination, its soft glow creating an intimacy that weakened Belinda’s knees.
The thought that had propelled her up the stairs fled her mind. All she wanted to do was curl up next to his chest, feel the beating of his heart against her own, lose herself in the heat of his body.
“You coming to bed or do you intend to stand there for the remainder of the night?”
His terseness snapped her inertia. “Derek, I just thought of something. It might be important.” She sat on the end of the bed as he sat up. She averted her gaze, unable to look at him and keep her thoughts straight. “Remember the night of the fire?”
“You might say that night is burned into my memory,” he said wryly.
“Well, do you remember that I was going to spend the night with you? We’d talked about it, planned it. I’d told Abby and Colette I was going to spend the night with a girlfriend in town, it was all set, then I chickened out.”
“Is there a point to this little sojourn into the past?”
“Yes, there’s a point,” Belinda replied, refocusing her gaze on him. “I was supposed to be in that house that night. What if the fire that was set, wasn’t set to hurt you or your family, but was set in an effort to hurt me?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t move, but she could tell by his expression that he was thinking about what she’d said.
After a moment of reflection, he shook his head. “It doesn’t make sense. That somebody would burn my house down to hurt you. How would anyone know you planned to be in the house? It just doesn’t make sense.”
Belinda stood and began to pace back and forth at the foot of the bed. “Of course it doesn’t make sense. None of this makes any sense. Why would somebody try to stab me? Strangle me?”
Derek raked a hand through his hair. “Belinda, think about it. The fire took place over three years ago. What you’re saying is that somebody has been trying to kill you for three years. You’re either talking about a very patient killer or an inept one.”
Belinda sighed and sank onto the bed once again. “But I left soon after the fire, and I didn’t come back until five months ago. The killer wouldn’t have had a chance to kill me since I wasn’t here.” She shivered, the thought of somebody hating her for so long frightening her.
“Belinda, come to bed,” Derek said softly. “It’s been a long day. We can talk about this in the morning.”
She nodded and went into the bathroom to change into her nightgown. Her fingers shook as she pulled the silk gown over her head. A tremor raced through her as she unbraided her hair and brushed its length. Her stomach clenched and unclenched as she turned off the bathroom light.
As she stepped back into the bedroom and eyed her side of the king-size bed, she tried to figure out if her fear was generated by the conversation they’d just had, or whether it had been created by the prospect of sleeping next to Derek. Two different kinds of fears, but one as real as the other.
Drawing a deep breath, she crossed the room and slid beneath the bed covers. She remained stiff, afraid to move, long after Derek had turned off the lamp and mumbled good-night.
Just one touch. She knew that’s all it would take from him. Just a single touch and she’d be in his arms. Despite the fact that she’d told herself making love to him was the last thing she wanted, she realized now it was the only thing she wanted.
Within minutes she heard the sound of Derek’s deep, rhythmic breathing and knew he was asleep. Yes, making love to Derek was the only thing she wanted…and it seemed to be the last thing he wanted. Trying to ignore the press of hot tears against her eyelids, she turned so her back was to him and tried to sleep.
FOR THE THIRD MORNING in a row, Belinda awoke with Derek’s body pressed tight against her back, his arm thrown across her shoulder as if in sleep he claimed her as his own. For the third morning in a row, she fought back tears as she slid from beneath his arm and got up.
It was early. Dawn was just beginning to chase the night shadows from the sky. She dressed quietly, then went downstairs to the kitchen to start the coffee.
Minutes later she sat at the table, listening to the silence of the early morning. It wouldn’t be silent for long. For the past three days the house had been filled with the sounds of childish laughter. It was only at night after they’d gone to bed, and in the early morning hours before they awakened that silence reigned.
The children seemed to be adjusting well to their new lives. They adored Derek, who’d spent much of the past three days with them, and they seemed to adore Belinda, as well. They were loving children, eager for hugs and kisses and cuddly as teddy bears.
Fate had taken one baby from her, but had given her two loving, needy children in return. Two children she would also have to tell goodbye.
And then there was Derek. During the day he was friendly with her, but with a reserved distance she couldn’t breach. Only in his unguarded moments did she feel his gaze lingering on her. And only in sleep did he allow himself to touch her at all.
She loved him. Still. Always. Probably forever. She now realized loving Derek was as natural for her as breathing. She’d thought she hated him, had partially blamed him for the death of their child, but she now realized those emotions had been her shield, her feeble attempt to stop loving him.
Eventually she’d learn to live without him, knew he could never love her with the same intensity, the same longevity, that she loved him. She was resigned to the fact that once the adoption was finalized, she no longer had a place in his life, in his heart. But being resigned didn’t make it easier.
“Good morning,” Derek said as he entered the kitchen.
“Morning.” Belinda averted her gaze, afraid her feelings for him would be apparent in her eyes. She’d already lost her heart to him, her very soul…the only thing she had left was her pride, and she intended to hang on to that.
He poured himself a cup of coffee, then stood by the window and peered out, sipping thoughtfully from his mug.”Every morning the trees are more bare. Before long we’ll wake up to snow.” He turned and smiled at her. “The kids will love it.”
She couldn’t help but smile at the image of the two children and Derek playing in the snow. “I loved the snow when I was young. My sisters and I always built a snow princess by the base of the dragon tree.”
He joined her at the table, his features warm and relaxed. “What’s a snow princess?”
“A snowman, but instead of a top hat and gloves, ours had an old lace curtain dress, string mop hair and a crown of aluminum foil.” Belinda laughed at the memory. “She wasn’t the most attractive princess in the world.”
“I thought we’d all drive into town this morning and do some shopping. The kids need new coats.”
“Derek, I can’t. Janice called yesterday and I invited her for coffee this morning. I know you’d planned t
o work this afternoon. You and the kids go ahead and go this morning.”
“You know I don’t like leaving you here alone.”
Belinda smiled reassuringly. “With the security system you know I’m safe, and Janice is certainly no threat to me.” He looked dubious. “Please, Derek. I’ll be fine, and the kids need those coats.”
“We’ll only be gone an hour and a half, two at the most.”
“That will give me time for some girl talk with Janice, then I’ll have lunch ready for you when you get back.” Belinda looked out the window where the sun had crawled up high in the sky, portending a gorgeous late autumn day. “If it’s warm enough, maybe I’ll plan a picnic. The kids would like that and we won’t have too many nice days left.”
She looked back at him. “Maybe it’s over, Derek. It’s been almost two weeks since anything has happened. Maybe whoever was after me has moved on, gone away…”
“Belinda, that’s a dangerous thought to entertain.” He reached out and covered her hand with his. “You can’t let your guard down. You can’t fool yourself into thinking this is all over. Whoever it is, is out there, waiting for an opportunity. We can’t let him get that opportunity.”
At some point as he talked, his hand began caressing hers and when he finished speaking, their gazes locked. In the depths of his eyes, Belinda saw concern and beneath that something stronger—the flicker of desire.
It both enticed and confused her. For the past week he’d been sending her mixed signals, keeping his physical distance yet speaking to her with his eyes. This morning, she was simply too vulnerable to deal with him. She pulled her hand away from his. “Don’t worry, I don’t intend to let down my guard.” Not only my guard against whoever is trying to kill me, but also my guard against you, she added silently.
She was grateful nearly two hours later when Derek and the kids left the house for their trip into town. She needed some time alone. Time to think. Time to assess.
There were times she thought she saw something akin to caring in Derek’s eyes. Times she saw flashes of the younger man who’d vowed his undying love for her. But those flashes were all too brief, usually making her wonder if she’d only imagined the expression she longed to see.
As she made their bed and straightened their room, she thought of those moments of sleep, when he invariably sought the closeness of her body. Would he do the same if she were anyone else?
She stood for a moment in the doorway of Toby’s room, waiting for a surge of angry grief to sweep over her, needing those old emotions to keep her safe from loving Derek. As she thought of the baby she’d lost, she felt grief…but no anger. Her shield of bitterness toward Derek was gone.
Back in the kitchen, she began to pack their picnic lunch. She’d just finished and set it on the counter when she heard the sound of the doorbell. Good. She’d rather lose herself in silly gossip with Janice than think about the futility of loving Derek.
“Hey, girl.” Janice greeted her with a big hug. “It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you. You’ve become a recluse since your marriage.”
“We’ve just been really busy,” Belinda replied as she led her friend to the kitchen. “Derek’s niece and nephew arrived a few days ago and we’ve all been adjusting.” She motioned Janice into a chair at the table and poured them each a cup of coffee.
“Oh, yeah, I heard something about that in town. So, where are the little rug rats now?”
“They went with Derek into town a little while ago.”
“How do you like being a mommy?”
Belinda smiled. “They’re terrific kids, so easy to love.” To her horror, tears burned hot behind her eyes as emotion lodged in her throat.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Janice asked sympathetically.
Belinda closed her eyes, swallowing hard in an attempt to gain control. “Oh, Janice, things are so messed up.” She looked at her friend, misery sweeping over her.
“What’s messed up? Honey, tell me what’s wrong.”
Belinda took a deep breath, then told her friend about the terms of her marriage to Derek. When she finished, Janice grinned at her in admiration. “Wow, I would have never guessed you the type to marry a man for money alone. What do your sisters think about it?”
“They don’t know, and I don’t want them to know.” Belinda sighed and twisted the diamond ring on her finger. “Besides, I know now I didn’t marry Derek to save the ranch. I didn’t marry him for his money, although that’s what I told myself at the time.”
“So why’d you marry him?”
“Because I love him. Because I never stopped loving him.” Cathartic relief flowed through her as she spoke the words out loud. Still, another secret weighed heavy in her heart, needing to be told to somebody, shared with a friend. “I had his baby.”
“What?” Janice nearly dropped her mug.
“I had Derek’s baby.” Again tears formed, and this time Belinda let them slide from her eyes, heating her cheeks as they formed a path. “About three weeks after the fire at Derek’s place, I realized I was pregnant. I hadn’t heard from him…not a word. I was scared and didn’t know what to do.”
“Is that why you moved to Kansas City?”
Belinda nodded. “I finally got a letter from Derek, a kiss-off note, and the next day I packed up and left town.” She wiped at her tears. “I got a job with a marketing firm and rented a small apartment. The pregnancy went without any problems. I was young and healthy and the doctor felt confident I’d have no problems.” She paused a moment, taking another deep breath. “Still, I was so scared, and so alone. My labor came early. It hit hard and fast and without warning. I didn’t have a phone, and the one woman who’d become my friend and who checked on me occasionally had gone out for the evening.”
Belinda twisted her wedding ring more frantically as memories of that horrible night tumbled around in her head. “I delivered there in the apartment, all alone, and the baby was stillborn. A baby boy. That’s when I decided I hated Derek, and I thought my hatred would keep me safe from ever loving him again. But it hasn’t.”
“Does Derek know about the baby?”
Belinda shook her head. “No. I’ve never told him. What difference does it make now? It’s over, it’s done, and nothing can change the past.”
“So what are you going to do now?”
Belinda rolled the question around in her mind as she stared down at the ring on her finger. “I’m going to fight for him.” The moment the words were out of her mouth, she knew the rightness of them. “I don’t want this to be a temporary marriage. I want Derek forever. He loved me once. Despite the letter he wrote me, I know he loved me years ago. I’m going to make him love me again.” For the first time in weeks Belinda felt completely at peace.
She would fight for Derek’s love, fight to remain a part of his life and the lives of Toby and Tasha. If she won, she’d spend the rest of her life with them. If she lost…She didn’t even want to consider that possibility.
Chapter Fourteen
“Ah, perfect timing,” Belinda said as Derek and the kids came through the front door. She set the picnic basket she’d filled next to the door.
“Aunt Belinda, we got new coats,” Tasha exclaimed with childish excitement. “Mine is red and has a furry collar. See?” She pulled the new garment from a shopping bag.
“My, that’s the prettiest coat I’ve ever seen,” Belinda said, then turned to Toby. “Did you get a red coat and a fur collar, too?”
He giggled and shook his head. “I got a blue coat and we got mittens and boots.”
“They’re all ready for the winter snows,” Derek said.
“And when it snows Uncle Derek says we can go out and play in it,” Tasha said.
“We’ll make snowballs and put them down Uncle Derek’s back.” The kids laughed at Belinda’s suggestion, and Derek’s lips curled up in a grin.
“We’ll see who gets snow down their back when the time comes. Maybe it will be…Tasha.”
He grabbed the little girl and tickled her. “Or Toby.” Toby squealed as Derek tickled him.
“Oh, no…” Belinda laughed and backed up as Derek advanced on her. She grabbed the picnic basket as a shield. “You don’t want to ruin our lunch.”
Derek laughed. “Okay. You win…this round.”
“Are we going on a picnic?” Tasha asked as she eyed the basket. “Hurray, a picnic,” she exclaimed happily as Belinda nodded.
“Just let me get a jacket.” Belinda handed Derek the basket and a folded blanket, then grabbed her coat from the closet.
It was a perfect Indian summer day. The air held a remnant scent of late summer flowers tinged with the hint of winter’s approach. The sun warmed their backs, tempered by a cool breeze. They walked some distance from the house, stopping along the way when the kids spied something interesting to explore.
Belinda allowed all doubts and fears to fall away, deciding simply to enjoy the moment with Derek and the children.
They found a spot in a shady clearing amid a grove of trees and spread out the blanket. Within minutes they were eating the lunch Belinda had prepared.
“I love peanut butter and jelly,” Tasha said as she ate her sandwich.
“I hate peanut butter,” Derek replied.
Belinda smiled. “That’s why you have ham sandwiches.”
“I don’t know how anyone could hate peanut butter.” Tasha shook her head, as if finding the idea inconceivable.
“When I was younger, your daddy used to chase me around with a glob of peanut butter on a spoon. He’d try to catch me and make me eat it,” Derek told the kids, who giggled at the story.
Belinda saw the darkness of grief that deepened the brown of Derek’s eyes as he spoke of the brother he’d lost. She touched his arm, wanting him to know she saw it, recognized it and empathized.
He smiled at her and the darkness in his eyes lifted. In that moment, more than ever before, she felt like his wife, his life partner, his support.
“This was a great idea,” he said later as he stretched out on the blanket. He lay on his back, his arms folded beneath his head. They’d finished eating and the kids were playing catch with a ball Belinda had packed. They’d all shrugged out of their coats as the afternoon sun grew warmer.
Sunrise Vows Page 16
