Thanks, I said.
Roundabout then Mam was well into the chemotherapy, but luckily you could wear a hat to the wedding. She was still herself really. Supposedly the therapy was quite harsh – I didn’t know too much about it, did they zap you with a laser gun? We didn’t tend to go into it much; instead we always tried to stay happy. I gurgled the gorgeous tea then flashed eyelashes at my mam. It was getting late but I couldn’t get out of the bath at all, and I made sure that tea lasted. I was absolutely boiling, but for the sake of it I decided to have another scrub in the murky water. Looking at myself in the nud always made me think of Fairhurst – he preferred girls to have a totally bare miaow, and now and then we shaved each other round his. I shaved him just for the laugh of it. I always made sure to keep my parts dead fresh – you get more cuntilingus from boys that way. How good is sex! I was starting to feel pretty silly and immature, so I sat up straight and polished off the tea. Mam took my mug back downstairs, and under the cowgirl hat you couldn’t tell she didn’t have any hair.
Don’t be too long in that bath! the kitchen echoed. You don’t want to be wrinkly for the wedding, do you.
Sighing, I grabbed one side of the tub then asked Natasha, Can you pass me the big one, please?
I pointed to the massive goldfishes towel slung over the radiator, then I pulled the bath-plug and felt the water drain around me, leaving a bit of candy-floss on my skin. Natasha threw the rug at me as I stood up, and I glimmered in the white light. It started to feel cold out of the bath-water so I fixed the towel round and laughed when the plug-hole burped behind me. Using a different towel for my hair, I sat on the edge of the bath then waited for Laura and Natasha to finish at the mirror. I was well behind schedule for the pampering, but it was good jumping into the dress straight after a scrub. The silk was like a second layer of skin, and I decided to go commando. Outside the town was clouded over, and the whiteness of the window shone through at us. I stood for a bit tucking into Laura’s toiletries, and I couldn’t imagine how it must feel for Natasha – she was about to spend the rest of her life with one boy. God knows who I’d end up with. My outlook was not to worry about it too much, just enjoy your life because you’ve only got one of them. Some girls at Brackenhoe were already settled down with a fella, some had a kid or two, and some were just plain boring. But Natasha and Dean were amazing together, and the main thing was Mam seeing at least one of us tie the knot. On the way downstairs we felt like princesses and we floated outside – the taxi came at eleven. I hoped Natasha got the sun.
Chapter Six
Levonelle
Claire
I don’t know when it dawned on me I’d been violated. Afterwards I dropped straight back to sleep, one tit squeezed out my new bra and my jeans halfway down my thighs = uncomfy. I guessed there’d be all that sludge in there. At about midnight I could hear Rachel and Jenni slagging me off, saying they’d have to take me to the clinic and calling me a slag and a slut. I felt so shit, and I didn’t know what was up. I passed out again. I woke the next morning in a funny bed, the left booby still out and the undies scrunched and horrible. Rachel and Jenni had kipped on the floor, and when I started stirring they shot up and rubbed their fuzzy heads. I felt sick and painful. I turned over in the bed, sorted out the bra and knicks, but Jenni started talking and it didn’t sound like I was allowed to sleep. And it was a Sunday, of all things. We fixed up our clothes and hair, then tried to find the Overfields Girl whose house it was and let ourselves out. There were a few boys sleeping downstairs in a heap and we got out through the back, jumping over the punch bowls and the bucket. I felt depressed as anything on the Arriva, getting off at the clinic just to make it worse. We were hardly talking to each other as we walked, but Jenni kept reminding me about Clinton. It hurt to remember them calling me names the night before – I’d been with about five or six boys before, but never been unprotected before now and I sometimes went to the docs for checks and things. Jenni was making out I’d never seen a clinic before in my life, but fuck her. In fact I doubted she’d ever seen any action in her life. It wasn’t my fault – it was just the same as her going out and getting off with lads for drinks, or that time she sucked someone’s knob outside the Bongo. I hardly ever went out because of the epilepsy thing – I had a few seizures when I was younger, and in any case I didn’t have the money to go out gallivanting all the time. It’s not like one flashing light sets me off, it’s just I wasn’t into all the drugs the girls were doing, and ecstasy tended to go hand in hand with strobe lights. As we sloped towards Henry Taylor Court and the scruffy bungalows, my head was banging offof that bucket and all the drinking. At one point Rachel’s phone beeped and she stared at it and clicked for ages. We soon got to the clinic and it looked so uninviting – we strode through the doors quite slowly with faded faces. I yawned – Jenni wanted to do all the talking, so me and Rach stood around with just the posters of dicks and fannies to look at. My tummy flipped over, and I felt so faint I had to plonk myself next to some skinny lad in a red and white Von Dutch cap. He was slightly hot, but I didn’t speak a word because he was probably crawling with Aids and I didn’t want to push it. I knew Jenni and Rachel were doing me a favour but it was long and drawn-out like water torture – if I’d been in the same situation on my own, I probably would’ve just crept home and figured I’d be alright. Nothing like pregnancy or STD or cancer is ever going to touch you. Biting my red nail, I slouched on the seat and gazed at the carpet. In a minute Jenni called me over, and the nurse-person said I had to take one pill now and another in six hours or whenever it was. It seemed a bit overboard but I swallowed down the first one and I felt a bit better already. After all, they were only trying to catch one tiny sperm creature. ‘Thanks,’ I said, half to the nurse and half to Jenni and Rachel. I was all clear, but I baulked slightly seeing a horrible foetus thing on the wall. I made plans to do some laundry and get showered back in Park End, and we strode out of there with slightly sunnier faces. Rachel swung off her cheerleader jacket, Jenni lit a superking, and I flicked hair out of my sleepy peeps. Jen and Rach had to wait for another Arriva, so I waved bye-bye quite cheery and sat alone on the first Stagecoach down Ladgate Lane and swept across Park End. The pink tower-block was lush in the sunshine, and I watched for people’s faces in the many windows but you never quite caught them. It must’ve been after noon when I got off, and I said thanks to the sulky driver then walked my way to Delamere. I thought our health centre on Overdale Road looked awful pretty all of a sudden. Our Shaun was charging round the front yard in a Robin outfit when I reached the house, and he hardly even saw me because he was screaming so much. Step-dad Dave was watching out the top bedroom window, and I rubbed Shauny’s glossy hair then slipped inside. Our lawn was pretty battered, and I tramped in a little mud before kicking my Ellesses on the pile. The boy-wonder carried on playing and I left the door ajar for him, smiling when he shrieked hi to me. ‘Hey you,’ I replied, then stormed upstairs quite sharpish for that shower. I shouted hello at Joe’s bedroom door then Dave and Mam’s, getting a couple of replies before peeling off my top and other bits in the bathroom. I hated Dave leaving all his underduds around, and I kicked them outside as the room steamed up. I ripped off earrings and scrubbed off make-up, chucking everything on the side then diving into the red-hot waterfall. I frazzled those sperms = Batman and Robin would’ve been dead proud. Pow! And zap! I ran the water into my mouth. As it hit me I started to feel a little odd, not epileptic but very, very weary and dodgy. I stood about and breathed, and suddenly I realised how fucking hungover I was. All the commotion at the clinic had sort of blocked it out, and I tried to sit down on the edge and I was tempted to just spew up all over the bathroom. That always worked a treat. For a bit I sat there shaking, the water clashing off the white panels, and I thought fuck it – I retched and puked chocolate milk-shake down the bath. At least it wasn’t in my room. I hoiked my legs up on the tub sides til the spew drained away, feeling better although it’d been a shitty day
and tears were starting to clot my eyelashes. And then I heard the morning-after pill clatter down the pipes. Not really, but it dawned on me I’d sicked it up and I shook more violent as I slid into the shallow water. I wondered if the pill had kicked in already or whether I really was screwed after all. I didn’t even bother shampooing – I turned off the shower taps, then charged out of the bath and started drying myself furious with the stiff towel. For a second I considered taking the other pill on the windowsill, and I felt completely thick and confused while I hovered around. It was so shit, I couldn’t even ask my mam for advice and I was torn between taking the risk or making a sad, mad rush to the health centre. I decided to head back down Overdale Road. There’s that saying it’s better to be safe not sorry, and it’s better swallowing a pill than getting your life ruined. I swept all the water off myself then got changed into different clothes, pulling the lemon sweater over my head as I pressed down the stairs. Dave was washing oil offof spark-plugs or something in the kitchen, and at first he wanted to talk but I could hardly take it. His hands were covered in crap, and he came over and asked if I had a good night. ‘Yeah, it was alright,’ I replied; you could not tell the truth. I wondered what him or Mam would say if I came home with a baby. I had that weird feeling in my tum. I smiled slightly then grabbed at the pile of shoes by the door, slipping on my Ellesses again and yawning, ‘I’m just popping out for some fags. You want anything?’ Dave could tell I was only saying it; he shook his head and said, ‘You seen Joe anywhere? Car’s fucked again.’ I shrugged – I hadn’t seen my big bro for a while. He was usually out kicking footballs or courting lasses, but I wasn’t in the mood to discuss it so I just waved and headed back out. I was still feeling queasy, shivering in the yellow jumper and not wanting to talk to anyone. It was ironic then that Shane, my boyfriend, appeared on the street corner. I was in sight of the health centre and everything, and all I could do was churn my belly and ask what he was up to. ‘Just came up to see you. Can I come in?’ Shane asked, and he kind of grabbed me and we drifted back the way I came. I glanced back at the centre with all its life-saving pills and other stuff, but I couldn’t exactly say I got pregnant at a party and needed to get rid of it as soon as poss. I disguised a sigh as a normal breath, and we strode back into the house. I left Shane in the bedroom while I messed around in the lav – I decided to swallow the other pill just in case. Staring hard at the mirror, I still felt pretty dozy. In the end I managed to forget about it – me and Shane shagged later on in the day with the radio on and Sunday blowing in the window. And we remembered to put on a condom.
Baby Boy
Coochy coochy coo! My first brainwave was where the hell was I? There wasn’t really much room to stretch your buds, but the pipes were full of Burger Kings and strawberry ice cream and it was pretty snug. I imagined coming out to yellow sand and blue skies and a big white palace. It wouldn’t be that long. Every so often in the dark there was sunlight and a few different cocks probed around – it seemed like mammy was a bit of a slag. Gurgling, I kicked slightly then tried to sleep but she always put on Madonna when she was getting nailed, to drown out the sound of groaning probably. Hopefully when I got bigger no boys would want anything to do with her. I grinned and scoffed more draught cherry Coke. It was getting dead uncomfortable – I hoped these boys lying on top of her wouldn’t shift me out of place and miscarry me. Life was going to be so big and exciting, all I could do was float around and wait for the day.
Chapter Seven
Horny Child
Eve
Friday morning was the first sign of it. She coughed up blood in the bathroom, just as I was psyching myself up for my mock exam. I’d been revising the night before, but Biology was really hard and I knew I’d go and lose it under pressure, plus you had the teachers prowling round you in silence like grim reapers. Why so much testing? In the bathroom I watched Mam wash away the red and black splashes with the taps on full-blast, and I felt down. She didn’t want me to hug her because her chest hurt, but I had to. I had to stop shaking. Sniffing, I stood still for about ten minutes and I watched my watch ticking, making me late but I didn’t care. I brushed my teeth while Mam pulled herself together, bent double over the cracked sink. She looked really sick, but I believed her when she said, Thanks, hun. I’m alright now.
I followed her out of the bathroom, then buckled up my school shoes at the top of the stairs, watching in case she collapsed on the way down. I had my Motorola phone ready for 999. But she never. Sitting in the carpet, I wanted to drag my sisters out of bed to keep an eye on her, but Natasha was at Dean’s and Laura needed her beauty sleep before college in the afternoon. Mam was still pretty intent on going to work, and I grabbed my Warehouse bag and asked, Are you going to be okay?
Yeah, don’t worry; it’s happened before, she said, but you didn’t want to hear that. Isn’t it your Science test today?
I nodded as she handed me a pound for my dinner, and I pulled my Duffer top over my head while the sun plopped through the windows. It was startling. My crappy multiple-choice seemed so silly compared to Mam’s bleeding lungs, but I cuddled her again and she said, Best of luck, love. I’m sure you’ll do fine – I’ll be thinking of you all day.
I prayed up to the sky she’d be alright. I glanced again at the heart-shaped watch, then had to quickly throw on my scarf and go for Jenni. Mam said good luck again as I kissed her goodbye, and outside in the freezy sunbeams it seemed horrible to leave her on her own like that. I watched kids and nutters walking round Keith Road at eight in the morning, and no one had a clue what we were going through. I didn’t even tell Jenni about it – I went for her as normal and we waited for the school bus in total silence. For the whole day I felt bad that I hadn’t told my mam I loved her, just in case. It was one of those days that went on for ever. Me and the girls arranged to go out, and with all the stress I was completely desperate to get mortalled. And in the end I felt like I screwed up the module test, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. I wouldn’t exactly need to know about peristalsis when I was a famous glamour model, or would I? I got home at about quarter to four after the bus was late and me and Dan got Anglo Bubbly at Easterside Bells, and I found out Mam hadn’t made it into work after all. Apparently she sicked up a load more blood, drove herself to James Cook and had a ton of scans and blood tests and things. Me and Laura and Natasha were watching Scooby Doo when she came to sit between us, and you could tell she’d been crying. She told us that when you find lung cancer it’s already past the point of getting it cured. Me and the girls suddenly sat up straight. It was too late to change our plans, but you felt like the biggest bitch in the world going out after news like that. And to cap it off I didn’t even come home, instead sleeping with a boy named Johnny and doing a bottle of Hard. I tried to make it up to her the next night.
You’re a star, Mam shouted as I boiled two cups of tea, but I didn’t feel that special. I whizzed up the teas with two spoons, while Mam made herself comfy in the other room and got the TV on the right channel. We liked watching game shows and stuff on a Saturday night, although we didn’t know many of the answers. Laura and Natasha had a weird way of dealing with bad news, and they went round munching a frozen pizza and waiting for phone calls. That night they were pretty downcast though. I juggled the full cups into the lounge, then bounced onto the sofa and gave Mam a huggle. At about 8:06 I got a text from Claire – she seemed a bit lonely, and she was asking if I was coming to the UGC or somewhere. She reckoned she’d split with Shane again over something or other, but I had too many lost souls to look after. In Year Nine me and Claire had a few daft slumber parties, and I remembered when she first started going with Shane and told me all about his dick and his positions and his noises. It was funny, and it was a little bit after that I started seeing Fairhurst.
Your tea okay? I asked Mam, but I knew all along I was the cup-of-tea queen. She nodded, then we messed with each other’s hair once my phone finished vibrating. Mam was originally blonde like
me, but she needed to dye again. Me and Laura only had a couple of years between us, and we had twin faces but her eyes and hair were a lot darker – I’d call it gerbil blonde. Natasha took after our dad, since she was taller and more Scandinavian-looking than all of us. I wanted to ask Mam if she’d told our dad about the cancer yet, but it was too tough to get the words out. He lived in South Bank with his new girlfriend, but she had nothing on his old one. Mam used to be pretty glamorous back when we were getting born – in old photos she looked like Diana Dors or someone like that, and I wondered if she ever did Page 3 or the sixties version of it. Debbie and Claire were always going on about modelling topless, and I imagined having that amazing lifestyle and getting out of Middlesbrough. I wondered what it’d be like going to all the crazy parties and snogging footballers or splitting up marriages. I laughed in my stupid head.
So how did your test go? Mam asked, and I wished she didn’t remind me. My blonde hair fell back to earth, and I sighed on my chest.
Not so good, I replied, and left it at that. I wished sometimes I could be clever as well as adorable – after all your brains last a lot longer than your face. In the end we turned off the quiz shows. We stared through a few adverts, then put on the Sex and the City DVD but none of us were in the mood for all that talk of willies and dildos though. Dean came round for a short while, and we considered going out to the Viking but the wind was yelling and I think Natasha wanted to go upstairs for a smooch instead. I couldn’t face Natasha and Mam leaving Beechwood Avenue. I shivered a tiny tornado, picturing me and Laura getting orphaned like in Oliver Twist and moving to S/Bank. In all the commotion I started to feel sad, which wasn’t like me – everything was going quite badly that day. I tried to focus on the TV set, hug my mam tighter, but it was a stupid weekend. Some people some places had pretty amazing lives, and they didn’t even know it. I got up to make another cup of tea, but all I could do was swan around with stuff on my mind. The pink security light was blasting through the kitchen window, and as the water boiled I swivelled about in the colour. I could hear Dean and Natasha bouncing the bed upstairs, and Laura and Mam were laughing like idiots in the other room. At least they’d be around in the morning, and there was loads of time left to tell them I loved them. I felt myself tingle. We had a pretty amazing life and I knew it.
Apples Page 6
