I simply looked at him and rolled my eyes.
Evette then told me, “Well, I miss you.”
“You miss me or my cookies?”
Evette also laughed as she answered, “Both. I miss the cookies a little more though.”
As Evette and I continued to chat about random matters that have been going on with us since we last spoke, Cory continued to make smart comments quietly. Of course, I have been blatantly avoiding Evette. Though I am bold enough to be sleeping with Jelani, I am not so bold to do it in her face.
It wasn’t just my affair with Jelani that made me distance myself from Evette. Her rendezvous with Bird rubbed me the wrong way as well. When I saw her riding Bird to kingdom come, I lost a lot of respect for her. Hence my ability to screw her man behind her back. I was comfortable being involved with her and Jelani because she presented them as a discreet and loyal couple. She presented herself as loving her man so unconditionally that she treats him with additional candy from time to time.
If she’ll lie about screwing Bird, there is no telling who else she’s screwing.
“Well, Jelani and I miss our girlfriend,” Evette said as we ended the call. “You have to hang out with us soon. We’ll treat you to dinner, drinks…. and a little dessert.”
“I’ll hold you to it,” I lied.
“Good. I’ll chat with you later then, hun. I’ll call you towards the end of the week about hanging out.”
“Cool. Bye.”
As I hung up my cell, I avoided Cory’s eyes.
But he talked about me anyway.“You ain’t shit.”
“Tell me something new, Cory!”
“Mmm humph,” he snarled. “I’m glad none of my men like fish. Nobody’s man is safe around you.”
“Nobody’s woman either.”
Cory and I giggled, but soon, the authenticity of my feelings came out.
“What am I going to do, Cory? I can’t hang out with her.”
“Dump her,” he suggested. “It’s not like you have feelings for her, and she’s not your BFF.”
“True. “
“Just tell her you’re moving on. I feel you. Hanging with the both of them knowing that you’ve been screwing the mess out of her husband behind her back is sooooo dirty.”
“Rub it in, why don’t you?”
“Hey, heifer, I am your friend. Your real friend. Real friends tell you when you’re sugar and when you’re shit, honey.”
I was getting ready for bed about an hour later.
Just as I finished wrapping my hair, my cell phone played Jelani’s ringtone. For a second, I thought I was being set up, seeing as though both he and Evette called so closely together.
“Hello.”
“Hey, baby.” Jelani’s sultry deep voice soothed all uncertainties.
“Hey you,” I sung back to him.
I was unconditionally happy and content in the midst of his voice. It was as if I was finally back in the security that Bradley kicked me out of.
However, I knew better than to fall for the happiness. I simply enjoyed it and allowed it to keep me out of the misery that Bradley’s memories initiate.
“You miss me, babe?”
“You know I do,” he answered with a bit of a seductive moan.
“What are you doing?”
“Sitting on the patio. Just wanted to tell you goodnight.”
I wanted to ask him if Evette said anything to him about our phone call, but I dared not interrupt this verbal foreplay with reality.
“I was fiendin’ for you so bad last night,” he told me.
“I’m fiendin’ for you now.”
My body has gotten used to Jelani. He managed to see me every day since last Thursday; even sneaking over here after he and Evette left a party Saturday night. He got here at about two in the morning, penetrated me, and didn’t pull out until the sun was threatening to rise. Then there was Sunday after he played basketball with his friends. When he got into the shower, I snuck into the shower with him, washed the sweat from his body, and blessed him orally until the water ran cold.
My body was now used to the passion between Jelani and I; the kissing, the rubbing, and the laying up. He’s so attentive to me and adores my body like he feels honored to be the one to have it.
“You want me to put you to sleep?”
I giggled as I replied, “I wish you could.”
“I can.”
“How?”
“Get in the bed, touch it, and let me talk to it.”
I instantly obeyed his command. I got comfortable under the covers, turned off my light, touched mypussy, and allowed Jelani’s sweet voice to take me away. I let him tantalize me verbally because his audio alerted my body that the visual was coming soon.
VICTORIA
“You mad?”
Taij’s eyes burned through me as he stood at the front door. No matter how mad I wanted to be, his presence brought so much sex appeal into my living room that I couldn’t focus on being angry.
Again, he was dressed nicely. Tonight he was wearing a pair of Sean John jeans and polo, but I knew by the fresh haircut and smell of Ed Hardy cologne that he was on his way on yet another date.
When I asked him if it was the same girl from two Friday’s ago, he answered that it was someone else. I left it at that because I honestly couldn’t stand knowing anything about his romantic life. He let me know “out of respect” that he was going out with Pam, the chick from my church that suddenly felt the need to hold a random conversation with him last week after Bible study.
“I’m not mad.” Honestly, I wasn’t mad. Not mad at all. However, I was definitely envious and shocked.
I sat on the couch eagerly waiting for him to leave so that I could call Lynn.
“Are you sure?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it does. If it makes you uncomfortable, I won’t go.”
“Then why didn’t you ask me if I would be uncomfortable before you asked her out?”
“Because I didn’t think about it being an issue until I already asked her out.”
I giggled and said sarcastically, “You’re a man, so of course you didn’t.”
“Seriously, if it offends you, I won’t go.”
“Do you like her?”
“I don’t know her to like her. She seems cool. We’re just hanging out.”
I slightly rolled my eyes at the way he downplayed the situation. “It’s fine. She is no friend of mine, so you’re not offending me by taking her out,” I lied.
I guess he was tired of debating with me, because then he just said his goodbyes and left.
I was dialing Lynn’s number before I heard his car start.
“Hello.”
I huffed and puffed as I couldn’t wait to get it out. “Girl, you will not believe this.”
“What?”
“Pam and Taij are going out tonight.”
“You are lyin’!”
“He just left.”
Lynn smacked her lips and said, “And you just let him go?”
“What else am I suppose to do, Lynn? He’s not my man!”
“You should have said something. Anything! Would you be able to stomach him dating her?”
I couldn’t even stomach the thought, so I knew the answer was no.
“Vic, be honest. Do you still love him?”
“No.”
“But?”
“I miss my family. I miss him being here. I love the kind of father that he is to DeSire, and I love the man that he was to me when times were good between us.”
“But?”
“But I would feel stupid telling him that I want him back because of what he did to me. Lynn, he cheated on me. He humiliated me and made me feel ugly and unnecessary. He slept with someone I hung out with!”
“Women have gone back to their men for far worse.”
“Not me. I’ll look so stupid if I took him back. Everyone close to me knows what he did to me.”
�
��Well, sometimes you have to let your guard down, sweetie; especially if there is a chance to rekindle real love and give your daughter the opportunity to have her wonderful father full-time. Doesn’t that sound like something worth risking looking stupid over?” Lynn continued without allowing me to answer. “You were willing to risk losing your friends over him, and you still think that was worth it.”
“Because I would never be ashamed of what led to me having DeSire.”
“So don’t be ashamed of the love that led you to create her either.”
This situation was a classic catch-22. It left me feeling like the best move to make was no move. I felt so many emotions about Taij that neither led me to love or hate him completely.
“Are you sure you don’t love him?”
“I love him, but I am no longer in love with him. I love what he used to be. I love how he used to make me feel. I love the possibility of having all of that back.”
I was tired of fighting how I felt about Taij. Though naïve and seemingly vulnerable, I loved the way Taij made me feel when we were together. Running into Jesse at the church only magnified the need for Taij in my life. When Taij was my man, there was a sense of security in my life that hadn’t been present since my mother was living.
Admittedly, I have a dire need for the sanctuary and protection that I felt when my mother was alive. When I was with Taij, I feared feeling the vulnerability and isolation that I felt when I was a teenager. I am deeply terrified of leaving this world just as alone and unaccompanied as I’ve spent the majority of my life. Although I have very close friends, there is no love as great as family; as having a mother responsible for your life, and a father that feels it is his job to protect you from the world’s demons.
My mother was taken away from me, so I was left to be my own responsibility. My father was my personal demon. I appreciate my friends, but there’s something about the instant chemistry between Taij and I that I want back. I have dated plenty of men attempting to get it back. I have prayed and asked God to send me who He wants to give it back to me.
However, my heart continuously yearns for Taij.
“Well, time for you to look a hot mess,” I said with an irritated grunt. “What’s been going on with you? Or do I want to know?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“That bad, huh?”
Lynn groaned with irritation as she began to divulge how she’s spent her last couple of days. She and Ray have been spending quite a bit of time together. Friday she told Travis that she was having dinner with Crystal, but spent the majority of the late afternoon and evening with Ray. They dined at Ruth’s Chris, an upscale luxurious steak house in downtown Chicago, and then took a walk on Michigan Avenue.
Ray showed Lynn such a fantastic evening that she couldn’t wait until they made it to his place. She forced him into the back seat of his Armada and rode him for hours.
“I felt like I was alive. I felt like my femininity was adored and appreciated.” As Lynn spoke to me, I could literally hear her smile.
In addition, as if that wasn’t enough, Lynn spent her Saturday “running errands”, which actually meant being in between the sheets with Ray. His bedroom shades were drawn so that time wasn’t a concern to them. Though Ray’s penetration was magnificent, what pleased her most was his embrace, the small kisses that he placed all over her body, and how he would run his fingers through her hair. She said that she hadn’t spent such intimate and passionate time with a man since prior to having her third child.
“Why do you sound so sad then?”
Lynn was telling me a great story, but she seemed saddened and embarrassed to tell it.
“I don’t understand why it’s so easy for me to cheat on my husband,” she answered as she broke into tears.
When I heard her tears, I felt bad. I wished that I was there sitting next to her so that I could soothe her, wrap my arms around her, and comfort her as her tears fell.
“Why is it so easy for me to backslide? Why have I fallen out of love with my husband? Why won’t he help me love him again?”
Lynn’s tears began to turn into quiet moans and wails. I just let her cry. This was a conversation between her and God. I just happened to be in the way.
“Being with Ray only shows me how much is missing in my marriage. Ray helps me realize how I want Travis to treat me. I don’t want to do this. I want to follow Christ. I want to submit to my husband. I want to honor my vows- God knows I do. I’ve tried so hard to show Travis how to love me. I would gladly love my husband if he would just love me back.”
Twelve
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
VICTORIA
The house phone woke me up this morning.
It startled me because, since I have a cell phone, my home phone rarely rings. Only important people have my home number. This is only in case of an emergency when I can’t be reached by cell.
Before answering, I checked my cell to see if I missed any calls.
I hadn’t.
Then I checked the Caller ID to see if I recognized the number or if it was a bill collector.
It was neither.
“Hello?”
“Vic?”
I confirmed, “This is she. Who is this?”
“This is your father.”
My face instantly became hot with anger, but instead of angry words coming out of my mouth, I laughed.
“My father?” I snickered sarcastically. “You can actually use that word in reference to me?”
“Vic, please…”
“Stop saying my fucking name like you care about me!”
His silence only pissed me off further. “Yell my name like you did when you were chasing me down to whoop my ass!”
“Let me talk to you. Please let me explain.”
He sounded older and weary. But, ironically, his voice reflected such a paternal and affectionate tone that I have never heard before.
“Talk to me about what? You think we’re going to come to one accord and be one happy family, Jesse? You think we can talk and the black eyes will go away? You think we can talk and I will forget how you felt me up every night?”
I felt drunk with anger.
“I just want you to know your sister and brother.”
“Fuck them!” I was barking at him through gritted teeth. “I don’t give a fuck about them!”
Then he actually approached me with a warning tone, “Vic.”
Sarcastically, I asked,“What? Am I wrong? Am I being insensitive?”
“Yes, you are.”
“Humph. Well I guess you taught me something.”
“I just…”
I cut him off again. “I just want you to not call me anymore! Don’t say my name. Don’t think of me. Don’t come back to my church. Don’t know me. If I see you or hear your voice again, I will scream to the police how you beat the shit outta me and wanted to fuck your daughter. Try me if you want to. I don’t give a damn who you’ve given your life to or whose pulpit you stand in. The statute of limitations has yet to run out onus. Remember that!”
As I hung up, I began to feel a head rush. I got dizzy and felt unusually warm inside. As my stomach began to turn, I uncontrollably hit the floor. The room began to spin, and I began to sweat. A flow of overwhelming panic came over me. As my limbs began to tremor and I felt pain in my chest, I knew that I was having an anxiety attack.
I closed my eyes and began to perform the deep breathing techniques that my psychologist taught me. I began to suffer from anxiety attacks this past winter. The more my therapist insisted that we talk about my past during our sessions, a layer of anxiety and depression resurfaced. As I experienced the attacks, I related them to similar episodes as a child.
I unknowingly have been having anxiety attacks since the age of fourteen; after my mother died.
When the deep breathing didn’t work quick enough, I stood slowly and attempted to get to the bathroom’s medicine cabinet as quickly as I could without falling.
Once I decided that I rather depend on God to fix me than pharmaceuticals, I stopped taking the Valium that the doctor prescribed. My anxiety attacks and related symptoms stopped shortly after I started going to church and learning from Pastor Jackson’s teachings. Something about the way he taught us to live our everyday lives kept whatever was causing me anxiety and depression at bay.
Nevertheless, I kept the last bottle of Valium just in case.
Because I have been off the medication for so long, I only took half a pill and climbed back into bed. I still felt hot, nauseous, and restless, so I anxiously waited for sleepiness from the Valium to kick in as I continued to take deep breaths and focus on any and everything else.
LYRIC
Jelani met me at my place after work.
I couldn’t wait to see him. Masturbation could only take me so far. At this point, my body was used to Jelani’s focused attention, and I was long overdue for it. I actually missed him and the passion, company, and intensity that he brought into my bedroom.
There was so much affection missing from my day when he was gone.
Jelani missed me as well; his arms were around my waist as soon as we met in the driveway. He kissed me on the neck from behind as we collectively walked the path to my doorstep.
I giggled at his anticipation. “Missed me?”
“Hell yea,” he whispered in seductive groans.
As I passed the mailbox, I attempted to look inside. Jelani immediately stopped me by pulling my arm and guiding me inside the house.
He demanded, “Fuck that mail.”
Then chills down my spine alerted my hormones that I was in for a damn good evening.
When we entered the house, I quickly dropped my purse and keys on the stand in the hallway. I turned to face Jelani, drinking in his sex appeal and charisma. Our eyes locked and our lips immediately drew to one another’s like magnets. He kissed me intently and sucked my lips and tongue by design. The silence of our surroundings serenaded our foreplay and the darkness guided our proceedings.
We didn’t make it further than the staircase. There, on the second step, he began to strip me of my workday. I began to help him as we frantically got rid of my blouse, skirt, and panties.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 31
