LYRIC
I hadn’t been the same.
For the past couple of days, I hadn’t been the same woman. I felt defeated, hurt, and less than the woman I knew myself to be.
This doubt was seeping into my relationship. I knew that James noticed it because he too wasn’t the same. He seemed unhappy and disappointed with me, though he never verbalized it.
When usually our chemistry and sex was unnerving and deafening, things had been very quiet and lacking its usual fire.
I simply didn’t feel comfortable sharing my love emotionally with another woman, and I couldn’t shake that uncertainty, no matter how much I wanted to pretend for the sake of keeping him.
“You need to talk to me?”
James startled me when he spoke. We had been sitting on the couch quietly watching HBO. We weren’t into the documentary on Laila Ali, and the obvious tension was choking us to death.
“Do you need to talk?” Though I was obviously upset, I really wanted to work this out in my own mind before talking to him about it. I wasn’t sure what I was and wasn’t able to handle in this lifestyle, but I was sure that I wanted to experience this lifestyle with him.
“Yea, I do.”
“What’s up?” I was nervous. It didn’t look like whatever he was about to say was good, so I sat quietly and anxiously.
“When we met, I was upfront with you about the kind of man that I was. I told you that I really didn’t want to be in a committed relationship because I feel pressure to be someone that I’m not. You accepted me for who I was and you try to attend to my needs, but I feel like you are trying to mold me into what you want - not what I need.”
I simply looked at him strangely as he continued. Again, I was sorting out everything in my head before responding. It was hard to fight this battle, because no matter what strategy I was coming up with in my head, I felt like I was going to lose.
“I appreciate you introducing me to this lifestyle. And you were right; it is who I am. But I can’t live it how you want me to. I am a man that enjoys multiple relationships with different women, not just sex. Even when I had a main woman that I loved, I still had a woman or two on the side that I dated. That’s me, and I told you that. The threesomes and whatnot are fun, but it doesn’t satisfy me because they aren’t my needs- they’re yours.”
I was taking it all in. I didn’t know whether to be offended, hurt, or appreciative of his honesty.
“It’s like, ever since I told you about how I felt about Raven, you’ve been distant and quiet. I thought we had an understanding. I thought you were secure enough to share me with someone else and be secure in the fact that, no matter what, I love you, but I don’t think you can handle it.”
“Is he crazy?! I can’t handle it? Excuse me, but I do this! I ain’t new to this! Introduce a nigga to some shit, and now he think he running it and knows everything.”
I sat on my couch talking to Tricey in complete awe. I was so outdone! I couldn’t believe James’ audacity.
He left about ten minutes after telling me that I couldn’t handle what he wanted. I didn’t have much to say, because I was literally speechless, so he told me that he was going to give me space to think about if I could handle the kind of relationship he wanted.
“I can’t believe he broke up with me.”
“Calm down, girl. He did not break up with you. He is giving you the space that you very well need. Can you honestly say that you would be comfortable with him dating another woman? Not just having sex with another woman, but dating her.”
I sighed heavily into the phone. I was so frustrated. Just the thought of all of this made my stomach turn. Though I was more than willing to share my man sexually, I couldn’t imagine him dating, holding hands, and courting another woman. I needed exclusivity. There was no exclusivity if every woman got the same treatment from him that I did.
“No, I’m not comfortable with it at all,” I confessed.
I was annoyed and frustrated. I felt like I had lost, and to Raven no less! The feeling was gnawing and gut wrenching. I couldn’t stand it.
I just wanted it to go away. I was honestly willing to do anything to make it just go away.
TRICEY
Regretfully, I broke down and called my mother.
I had to. I knew better than to ask her for any money to help Star, but she literally was my last hope. I prayed that if I begged and cried enough, she would find it in her heart to help me help her baby.
“Hey, Tricey.”
“Hi, Mom. How are you?”
“I’m good.”
“Is Jordan wearing you out?”
“Not at all. He keeps asking for Star though.”
Since she willingly brought up Star, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to start whining.
“Ma, I’m worried about Star.”
Immediately, my mother got short. “I don’t want to talk about her.”
I cried out in warning. “Mama!”
“I don’t!”
“Mama, that’s your baby. She is in jail. This ain’t a game!”
“I know damn well what it is, but I didn’t raise criminals.”
“Nobody is perfect, mama.”
“And I didn’t raise murderers. She had a hand in killing somebody! Murder, Tricey. She killed somebody, and I can’t turn a blind eye to that just because she’s my daughter.”
I held my head in my hands as I sat Indian style on my bed. My bedroom was dark because, before calling my mother, I was attempting to go to bed. I couldn’t sleep, though. Star was so heavily on my mind that I couldn’t even close my eyes.
Star hadn’t called me in days. I wasn’t able to visit her yesterday because of obligations at work, so I prayed that she would call before I visited her next week.
I could feel that Star had given up.
I didn’t care who she killed or what other crimes she committed- I couldn’t let my sister sit in that jail and rot.
“I’m worried about Star, Mama. I haven’t talked to her in days. Some girl in there has been threatening her. I’m really scared for her safety and sanity. She looked so helpless and desperate the last time I saw her.”
My mother’s response was silence.
“I know that what she has done is wrong on so many levels, but she deserves the benefit of doubt. You don’t know her side of the story, Mama. Those weren’t her drugs. She didn’t know anything about them. And I am positive that she never intended on anyone getting killed. You are right- You raised her way better than this. Please trust in that and know that somewhere in Star’s heart, there were good intentions.”
More silence.
“The judge awarded her bail, but its $50,000.”
More silence.
“Is it pointless for me to ask you for your help?”
“It certainly is.”
Seventeen
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
LYRIC
I woke up with the same sickening feeling in my body that I had when I fell asleep the night before.
Last night, and even all day as I sat at work, I checked my phone over and over again to see if James called or text messaged me.
There was never a notification that he had done so. He was seriously giving me space because of this, and I could not believe it.
I constantly imagined him with Raven. I imagined them together having sex and him falling for her the same way that he fell for me. The image made me want to punch a wall.
“Hey, Nicky!”
It was Phoenix. I called her to RSVP for a private swinger’s party that she was throwing the next day to celebrate her fiancé’s birthday. Though it was on a Thursday, I needed the break to take my mind off of things.
“Hi, Phoenix. How are you, hun?”
“I’m fine, but you sound a mess.”
On my desk was a mirror that I stared aimlessly into as I spoke to her. I looked a mess, too. James’ absence had taken all energy from me. I cried every fifteen minutes. I felt like
much of my life’s excitement left with him. I wanted my baby back so bad that it was embarrassing.
“I’m a little tired,” I told Phoenix. “I was just calling to RSVP for the party.”
“I’ll put you and James down.”
“I don’t think James is coming.”
“Why not?!”
Instantly, tears came to my eyes. I tried my best not to let my tears be heard in my voice. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“What happened, honey? You can talk to me.”
Initially, I was hesitant. Then I thought who else better to talk about my issue with than someone who knows this lifestyle better than I do.
“Well, James and I are having a bit of a separation. We have some issues dealing with certain things that he wants that I don’t agree with in this relationship.”
“Is it lifestyle issues?”
“Yes,” I answered reluctantly. “James is new to the lifestyle. I introduced him to it because he seemed to be a lifestyle person without knowing it. He enjoys sex with multiple women and was never able to keep a relationship because of that. He has been really happy being with me because he realizes that he can have both: a loving relationship and satisfaction of his sexual appetite. But, I guess I didn’t satisfy it completely.”
“Meaning?”
“In a nutshell, James wants to date more than one woman, and I am just not down for it. I have my limits. Sex, I can deal with. Those women come and go about their merry little ways. There is no need to have a bond with them. But now, he wants to have an interest with who he’s playing with and form some type of a relationship with her so that he can be comfortable. I feel like that is going too far. If you have a relationship and interest beyond sex with every woman that you are having sex with, where does my exclusivity lie? Am I wrong?”
“I don’t think you’re wrong at all…”
“Thank you!”
“But James isn’t wrong either.” I shut up to be sure to pay attention to her reasoning. I needed to hear this from someone on the outside looking in. “There are different levels of the lifestyle or swinging. Some people just have threesomes or swap, and that’s it. They go on in their relationship as fully committed people. There are also people, like James, who have more than one partner, and their partners allow it.”
“I would think that if a man loves a woman as much as James claims to love me that he wouldn’t be able to develop an interest in any other woman.”
“And some people think that if a man loves a woman, he wouldn’t want to sleep with another woman, but it happens. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love that woman. You understand that aspect of it because you think that way too.”
“I understand it because I have been there. I no longer have the need to sleep with anyone else because I love James.”
“That’s you, but you can’t change him. You can’t change what he wants.”
“He changed me.”
“No, you are just in love with him,” Phoenix replied with a chuckle. “Once those butterflies fade into regular love that is use to him, your fantasies will return.”
I didn’t believe that. I had finally met a man that satisfied me so much in every way that I did not desire anyone else, male or female. The women that I played with since meeting James were for his fulfillment. Sure, I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t a necessity of mine.
“This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. We know many couples that have the kind of relationship that James wants: Stacy and John, and Patricia and Mike. They have happy open marriages, and John and Mike love their wives very much.”
“It’s not what I want, though. I want to be in a committed relationship, just me and him. Sure we can play when we want to, but no feelings involved, no dating, no courting, and I have to be the only woman in his life with a title. Anything less, I can’t accept.”
“That’s perfectly fine, and you should date someone who wants the same thing, because James doesn’t. You introduced him to this lifestyle, and he has figured out where he fits in. Unfortunately, it’s not in the same place where you fit, so now you have to choose – either you are going to love it or leave it.”
STAR
I remember thinking that I was going to spend the rest of my life locked in a cell and watching my back.
I remember damn near having an anxiety attack from that realization. Already, I had begun to detach myself from my old life. I stopped calling Tricey. I didn’t want to hear her voice. It reminded me of how I fucked up and changed my life for the worse. I didn’t want to hear her refer to Jordan or my mother, because, honestly, I wanted to forget them.
That’s how it had to be if I was going to survive.
That’s what I kept thinking all day – survival, survival, survival.
As I sat and watched television in the TV room, I was forced to realize that, possibly for the rest of my life, I was going to be caged up because of motherfuckers that I thought were my friends. I was angry with myself for being so gullible and stupid. I went against my beliefs for motherfuckers who left me hanging. I didn’t even want to rob DeShawn, and had I stood up for that, I would be at home with my son and not in a jumpsuit sitting in the county jail.
Yet, I couldn’t focus on the “what ifs.” This was it, as far as I was concerned. I knew that my mother and sister didn’t have $50,000 to get me out, and even if they did, no amount of money was going to keep that judge from giving me what I deserved for taking a life.
After about an hour, I decided to take my pity party back to my cell.
Besides, if I suddenly felt like crying, which I had been doing for the past couple of days, I needed to do it in my cell where no one could see me.
Imagine my dismay when I got up to leave the TV room and saw Gigi enter. She looked like it was Christmas when she saw me. Quickly, I looked around the room to see how many guards were present. There were none –just one sitting outside of the door looking damn near asleep.
Gigi had other inmates with her, one being the chick that told me that Gigi was here in the first place. They all had shit-starting looks on their faces, so I knew that I was about to have to fight.
I was tired of this shit. I was tired of frustration, worry, and stress. I was tired of the guilt of letting my family down. So, if this chick wanted to beat the shit out of me, or even kill me as she had been threatening to do, I didn’t give a fuck anymore.
I was done.
I kept walking like I didn’t see Gigi coming. Soon, she was in my path. Her friends surrounded me. I saw Gigi whisper to one of her friends who turned and went towards the door. She then started talking to the guard.
This was some shit that I couldn’t even wrap my head around. I wasn’t made for this.
Gigi smiled wickedly. The closer and closer she came, the more evil her smile became. I tried to look at her hands to see what she had to use against me, but saw nothing.
“I’m so glad to see you, beau,” she said to me once we were at arm’s length.
I was so tired that I didn’t even have an argument. I simply attempted to walk through them, which caused me to push both Gigi and one of her friends. The friend immediately grabbed my ponytail. Surprisingly, Gigi told her to let me go.
“Nah,” Gigi told her friend. “This is my fight. I don’t need no help.” Then she glanced at the door. Her other friend was still outside of it chatting it up with the security guard.
I didn’t know whether to run or just stay there and fight it out. In the few seconds it took me to figure out A or B, Gigi punched me in the stomach. My knees buckled, and I hit the floor. I was hunched over, attempting not to throw up. Then she kicked me wherever her foot landed- in my back and in the back of my head- over and over again. I felt dazed as I looked towards the door that was now being held shut by her friends. The security guard was trying unsuccessfully to open the door as she yelled threats. The few inmates who were in the TV room once watching television along with me just stood there watching this ch
ick beat the shit out of me.
I remember being so disgusted with where I was and what I had been through that I began to scream out in agony.
As Gigi took me by the hair and drug me along the floor, my body bumped into a table causing a vase of plastic flowers to hit the floor beside me. It broke into pieces. I grabbed one of the pieces of broken glass, swung, and hit Gigi in the knee. Immediately, she let go of my hair and cringed in pain. I remember hearing Nik and Tammy’s voice over and over in my head telling me to defend myself... by any means necessary. That’s when I attacked Gigi and began repeatedly swinging. I landed wherever I could; her neck, stomach, face, side. I didn’t care. I was mad. I was frustrated and lashing out.
This wasn’t about Gigi. I got her brother killed, so I understood her vendetta against me.
The rage in my swings were against myself, my own stupidity.
I remember feeling like I was fighting myself, fighting my own foolishness.
Once Gigi fell to the floor, I fell on top of her and continued to swing my hand. I was throwing a tantrum. I saw blood running from her face and wished that it were mine.
I wished that I was dead.
I could feel people pulling me off of her as I heard guards bursting through the door. They were carry guns and batons. I dropped the piece of vase that I was holding. I seemed to be awakening from a daze. I finally realized that blood was all over me and saw that the other inmates were looking at me in fear and disgust. I looked down at Gigi who lay still on the floor. She was lifeless as she lay in a pool of her own blood.
Eighteen
Thursday, April 1, 2010
TRICEY
I was sitting at my desk, attempting to focus on work and not my currently hellish life, when the phone rang.
It was about four in the afternoon, only minutes away from the time that I ran the hell out of there, so I was hoping it wasn’t someone calling to give me more work.
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 52
