Iyana just sat looking at me as if she had just come to the end of an exciting dramatic thriller.
Finally, she asked, “So how much of Blood’s money did Smith take?”
When Bank’s boys took Blood away, I knew of at least three hundred thousand dollars that was stashed in my condo somewhere. Yet, I was sure that there was more hidden in other areas of my house, in other spots that he had in the city, and even in bank accounts that Smith had access to.
I answered, “Hundreds of thousands; over half a million.”
“So how is it that Smith didn’t have any money to give Blood? That’s a lot of dough to spend in a matter of months.”
Though Smith told Blood that the money was gone, I didn’t believe that. Smith had multiple businesses, and since he was lying to me, there was no telling what else he had in addition. However, because Smith had so many businesses that he had money invested in, I am sure that returning Blood’s money would have bankrupted him.
To answer Iyana’s question, I simply shrugged my shoulders.
Then she asked, “So what happened to Smith?”
I just looked at her; giving her a very silent but evident reply.
Three
Friday, May 6, 2011
VICTORIA
I barely had any energy.
I literally felt lifeless.
Though at six in the morning it’s obvious to feel so drained, I felt double the exhaustion because I went to bed feeling the exact same way, but hadn’t gotten much rest at all.
Since Wednesday evening, the shock of Vince breaking up with me had worn off. I was now just simply hurt and pissed. I wanted answers and needed closure, so I lay awake last night tossing and turning in confusion, anger, and wonder. Since Wednesday, I called Vince every three hours with no answer. He wouldn’t reply to my text messages either.
As I dressed DeSire, I couldn’t tell whether I was hurt that it was over or hurt that he left me for another woman.
All I knew was that, after years of attempting to put back the pieces of my broken heart, it was broken again, and that pissed me off. I was angry again, when I worked so hard at being unconditionally happy. I was back feeling pain in my heart that I hadn’t felt since Taij and I broke up, and, before that, since I left the house that I experienced pure hell in with my father.
I felt ugly, insecure, and fourteen all over again.
As I dressed DeSire, I noticed her holding a shiny object tightly in her hand. She squealed and wined as I took it out of her hand to inspect what it was. It was a cute Dora ring that I never saw before.
“Who gave you this, DeSire?”
“Daddy’s wife.”
Instantly, I was puzzled. I knew for sure that Taij wasn’t married, so I quickly corrected her.
“Your daddy isn’t married.”
And in her three-year-old voice that only I could translate, she told me, “Mommy, I know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!”
“Watch your mouth,” I told her as I spanked her hand.
Immediately, she started whining, but I tuned her out because I was too busy trying to keep my empty stomach from turning.
Fifteen minutes later, DeSire and I were in the car headed towards her daycare center. I dialed Taij’s number as I approached a stop light.
It wasn’t out of the ordinary for me and Taij to talk this early in the morning. Taij and I talked often, which is why, if there was a woman close enough to him that DeSire assumed was his wife, it was news to me because he hadn’t told me. Though I had been dating Vince for the past few months, I was very careful not to allow him around DeSire because I didn’t want my daughter becoming attached to anyone that I wasn’t, at the least, engaged to. So, I guess it was possible that Taij could have been hiding a relationship for the same reasons.
Honestly, I also kept my relationship with Vince discreet because I didn’t want Taij to know about Vince. There may have been a teensy weensy bit of truth to what Vince said. I did still love Taij very much. He was the man that I have always dreamed of being with for the rest of my life. However, Vince was a very close runner up, so his assumption that I was waiting on Taij to choose me was all wrong.
“Hey, Vic. What’s up?”
When Taij finally answered the phone, I was shocked at how I suddenly became nervous. ”Good morning. Are you busy?”
“No. Just driving into the gig. What’s up?”
“Well, DeSire was babbling about you having a wife…”
Taij interrupted me with a laugh. “Yea, she keeps calling her that, but I keep telling her that Kim isn’t my wife yet.”
And just then, at that very moment, I realized that maybe I was waiting for Taij to choose me, because as her name left his lips, my heart began to break.
But I tried to play it cool. “Who is Kim?”
“My fiancée.”
I damn near ran into the car in front of me. Quickly, I had to mash the brakes to keep myself from slamming into the Charger that was in front of me. My tires screeched as DeSire nearly fell off the back seat, had it not been for her seat belt.
“Fiancée?”
And in the happiest and most content voice that I haven’t heard leave his lips since he and I found out that I was pregnant with Desire, Taij told me, “Yea. I’m getting married.”
Once again, I was feeling the numbing shock that I felt Wednesday night. I quickly thought back to recall if I had broken a mirror or opened an umbrella indoors, because it was apparent that my false since of reality had burst into a burning explosion of bad fucking luck.
Taij filled my silence with explanation. “I hadn’t said anything to you because everything happened so fast. We’ve only been together for about seven months…”
“Seven months?”
“Yea. But it feels right. I love her, and I want to marry her.”
His words cut like a knife. There were so many things running through my mind. Like a fool, I began to wonder what he saw in this Kim chick that made him fall for her in merely a few months, when I couldn’t get him, or Vince, to fall for me after years of knowing me. I began to wonder why I wasn’t good enough to gain this same desire from him or Vince.
I wondered why not me.
Though Taij and I have not had a physical or emotional relationship for many many years, I was still a woman that he once loved, once fucked, and was once attracted to, so why, after being with him for years and having his child, was I not an option for him?
Before I said something to embarrass myself, and before Taij said anything else to further sicken me, I got off of the phone. I congratulated him, told him that I would talk to him later, and hung up. I have sense enough to know that Taij didn’t owe me anything. I knew that the feelings that I had for him wasn’t mirrored in his heart for me. I knew that it was obvious that he was sleeping with someone. Yet, there was a small part of me that still held on to the fact that if we were both still available, there was still a chance that I could have my family one day.
But he had just burst my fucking bubble with another bitch’s ring!
As I got out of the car and walked towards the staff entrance of the school, I knew that I didn’t feel well. I recognized the anxiety and had a thought to just go home, pop a pill, and sleep the day away. Yet, when I saw Vince also approaching the building, I was glad that I decided against it.
When he saw me, he actually looked like the sight of me ruined his day.
“Can we talk?” I was practically begging as I walked towards him. This was the perfect environment to have this conversation with him. Though some staff knew of our relationship, it would have been very inappropriate for us to stand out there and scream at one another, so I figured that we could finally have a civil conversation about this.
Vince never answered me. He just looked at me as if he had to talk to me, whether he liked it or not.
“Why have you been ignoring me?”
Vince quickly and confidently replied, “Because I don’t have anything else to say.”<
br />
“Why are you being so cold?”
“Because this is something that I have to do. My mind is made up. I have to do what’s best for me, like you always do.”
I leaned against the tree behind me for support. My energy was gone and I could barely stand on my own.
“You are just as cold as you say that I am being. You are just as emotionless as I am being right now. I have just tolerated it for a very long time. You’re distant and guarded…”
“I have to be. And I would think that you would understand that. You know me…”
“Exactly. I know you- the real you. I know the you that needs help, Vic. You put up this front like you’re okay and you’re happy, but you’re not. You got a lot of shit to deal with before you can love somebody unconditionally and before you allow anyone to love you unconditionally.”
“So your answer to that is going back to your ex? Did you even really love me, or was this just a game to you for the past couple of months?”
“I got back with you because I thought you actually changed, Vic. I thought you were different. But you have only learned how to deal, not change. You act happy. You act like you love me. You act like you are happy with who you are. That shit ain’t true though, Vic! That shit is fake, and I don’t wanna be with a facade. No, going back to my ex isn’t the answer, but why should I not be with my family if you are purposely being distant with me so that you can still have a chance at being with yours? Why shouldn’t I be with her if she is willing to let her guard down and be with me while you standing here with guards that have been up since you were a little girl? Yes, I love you, but I can’t raise you.”
I simply stood still and didn’t say a word. I had no arguments for him. There was seemingly nothing that I could say, and, honestly, I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.
We stood looking at each other for a few moments. He seemed so sorry for me, and that made me feel even worse. He looked at me as if I were a problem or had a problem. Both made me feel like shit. So, after so long, I simply walked away and towards the school. Out of my peripheral, I could see Vince still standing in the same spot, looking at nothing in particular.
My walk was quick. I wanted so badly to be in my office with the doors closed and the lights off.
For some time, I managed to overlook things that Vince had obviously been looking straight at for the past few months. The fact that my flaws were so apparent made me wonder who else was staring at them and looking at me in the same shame and disappointment that Vince was.
I walked the halls in a daze. I quietly fought hard with my mind and my emotions. My emotions wanted to come out, but my mind fought hard to ignore them because they brought so much dreariness that I simply didn’t want to entertain. Though I may have pretended to be happy, as Vince said, that shit worked for me. I was okay with pretending, because I was tired of thinking about the same shit. I was for damn sure tired of talking about it. I just wanted to be a happy person, even if I had to fake it.
I could not close the door to my office fast enough. I purposely kept the light off because I wasn’t in the mood for any visits from Lynn or Crystal. I just wanted a few moments of peace; a moment to bring myself back to happy.
To make myself feel better, I often looked at pictures of my mom. Since these photos were at home, I sat at my desk and went into my drawer. I kept an envelope there with copies of my birth certificate and social security card. Just looking at my mother’s signature on my birth certificate often made me remember her as an actual person; not just the memory that she has been for the majority of my life.
As I emptied the contents of the envelope onto my desk, four small bags of white powder fell out as well. Initially, it startled me, but then I remembered that I confiscated the coke from a student. It fell out of his pocket while he was in my office paying graduation fees. I assumed that he was dealing, not using, the drugs. To spare him that one time, I told him to simply give it to me and that I wouldn’t report him. I hid it in this envelope until I was able to get rid of it.
I had since forgotten about it.
For many minutes, I played with one of the bags as thoughts ran through my mind. I stared blankly out of the window at students that reminded me of myself. Like them, I was insecure and lost. Like them, I felt ugly and imperfect. Like them, I wanted my mother and a loving father. On the inside, I felt as rough as the young boys. Like the young girls, I wondered why my insides or outsides weren’t good enough to be loved unconditionally.
I couldn’t understand why multiple men in my life, including my father, found it very easy to fuck me, but difficult to love me.
Before I knew it, I was emptying the contents of the bag. I was just playing with it with nervous energy. I ran my fingers through it as my mind continued to ramble.
Then, I began to think how awesome it would be to stop these thoughts. I thought it would be great to instantly go back to the happiness that I felt before I went into that restaurant Wednesday night and before I talked to Taij this morning. I no longer wanted to hurt. I wanted to be happy, light hearted, and free. So, I put my coated fingers to my nose and sniffed. I took a deep breath and inhaled that powder, one finger after another.
It was as if I was having an outer body experience. I was shocked at how extreme I was thinking, but couldn’t stop myself. Though I couldn’t believe what I was resulting to, I eagerly awaited how it would make me feel.
TRICEY
At six o’clock in the evening, after I just changed out of my work clothes, settled Ariana at the kitchen table with a coloring book, and started cooking dinner, there was a knock at my door.
As I walked cautiously towards the front door, I wondered who got pass both the security gate outside and the security door at the entrance of the building, therefore not having to ring the bell in order to get in.
Blood was gone with Devin somewhere, was due back at any moment, but he obviously had a key, so I knew that it wasn’t him.
Ever since I was kidnapped, I was very tight on security measures, so I was not about to open the door for any ol’ body.
As I asked who it was, I stood on my tip-toes to peer out of the peep hole. In the dimly lit hallway, I could only see a woman with her head down.
“It’s Bridget.”
I damn near shitted on myself when I heard the name. It couldn’t have been the only Bridget that I knew of, Amiel’s wife, so I asked again. “Who?”
“Bridget.”
I stood at the door extremely perplexed and irritated. Though me and Amiel’s affair ended over two years ago, I had since been dodging him successfully. I didn’t want anything to do with him, even though he is Ariana’s father, so I definitely didn’t want anything to do with his wife.
“Please open the door,” I heard her say. “I’m not on any bullshit.”
Though she sounded sincere, I was still cautious. At the time that Ariana was conceived, Amiel and Bridget were separated but still living together because of her inability to take care of herself financially. Now that I am out of the cloud of being in love with Amiel, I realize that some or all of that could have been false. I do know for a fact that Bridget had full knowledge of me, but she made it clear to Amiel that she wanted her marriage to work. Therefore, this bitch standing on the other side of my door can really have it out for my ass!
Regardless of that, I had nothing to hide and I had grown tired of Amiel years ago, so whether Bridget wanted closure or a fight, I was ready to give it to her.
When I opened the door, the same woman that I saw in Walgreens was standing before me. She looked almost the exact same. She was still naturally pretty, with short brown hair highlighted with shades of blond and cut into a bob, brown skin, glasses, modest clothing, and she towered over me at seemingly about 5’7”.
She was nothing like me.
There I stood in boyshorts and a wife beater that showed off the additional curves that birthing Ariana gave me. My ass had gotten a few inches bigger, but so had
everything else, so I hit the gym about six months ago. I lost twenty of the two-hundred pounds that I had climbed up to. I was only 5’4”. I also let Lyric talk me into rocking better weaves. She told me that I needed to compete with the teeny boppers that were ready and willing to take Blood from me, so she drug me to the salon and forced me into getting eighteen inches of Peruvian hair that hurt like a bitch to get sewn in, but looked damn good as it fell in layered barrel curls.
I looked like a Black Kardashian, just with much bigger boobs.
As Bridget walked in, she giggled and said, “Well, you look nothing like you did in Walgreens that day. Glad to see that you’re doing better.”
After I was kidnapped last year, I went to Walgreens to self-medicate because I knew that there was no way that I could explain to the doctors or the police, once the doctors called them, how I managed to get beat up so badly at nine months pregnant. While in Walgreens, I fainted. The stress of the beatings and situation itself made my blood pressure rise beyond what my body could take.
Ironically, Bridget is who came to my aid.
Amiel was with her.
Luckily, I came to quick enough to get the hell out of there before Bridget figured out who I was. Amiel was too shocked at my pregnant and beaten condition to say anything. I had neglected to tell him that I was pregnant when I told him to get the hell out of my life eight months prior.
“So he eventually told you who I was, huh?”
Bridget and I sat beside one another on the couch. Despite her being seemingly friendly, I was still guarded, so I didn’t sit too close to her.
“A few months later; after the divorce.”
I was shocked to hear that they were finally divorced. I anxiously wanted to know who finally grew some balls; him or her.
“So, what brings you here?”
She responded as if she wasn’t even listening to me. “Are you the reason why he left me?”
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 56
