For the first time since I had been arrested over a year ago, I looked in my mother’s eyes. As they cuffed me and whisked me away, I looked back and mouthed to her my apologies. She simply smiled and shook her head as if an apology wasn’t necessary, but I knew that it was.
As they took me out of that courtroom by the arm, I could hear Tricey’s cries and Blood comforting her, and I knew that I owed my family the deepest apologies for sending them through all of this unnecessary hurt.
Yet, being back on that bus knowing my fate felt better than ever. I was finally out of limbo and knew my future and could deal with it accordingly.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to be sad. However, to me, it was back to the regularly scheduled program. This second chance wasn’t for me. It was for my family. And now maybe they had gained the security in knowing that this was my fate and they would have to just let go of faith and settle with the fact that I was going to be in prison for a very long time.
Nik was waiting on me by my cell when I returned. She looked as anxious as Mr. Reed, walking back and forth with her hands in her pockets. When we caught eyes, she watched me frantically for a sign. When I gave her nothing but a solemn expression, she was as sad as I should have been and shed tears that I should have.
“Damn,” she cursed as she followed me into my cell. “I’m sorry, Star.”
“Don’t be.”
Luckily, my cellmate was gone, most likely out in the yard, so Nik was able to hug me and cry as much as she needed. Ironically, I was comforting her and telling her that everything would be okay.
Sadly, it was becoming evident to me that I had become that animal, used to being in a cage, that I was trying so desperately not to become.
LYRIC
After sitting with Tricey for awhile, I left Blood to comfort her and went home to comfort myself.
Star’s verdict had left a heavy sadness over me that was bringing forth realizations about verdicts that I needed to come to in my own life.
Lucky for me, Cory was waiting in front of my house, as planned, so we went into my home to eat the pizza that he brought with him and chat the rest of the day away.
He had been really worried about me since he witnessed that conversation with Bri last Friday. He thought that I was giving up my man without a fight.
“So what’s up? Have you talked to James like I told you to?”
See? He was adamant about it.
I laughed at his persistent efforts half-heartedly as we sat in the middle of the floor, barefoot and still in our street clothes, and ate Italian Fiesta; the best, yet greasiest, pizza that was surely clogging my arteries with each and every swallow.
“I’ve talked to him.”
I had. We’d talked as if we were ex’s attempting to get back into the groove of being in each other’s lives, but he still made no mention of coming home and there was obvious hesitation amongst both of us.
It was obvious that we missed one another, but just wasn’t sure what to do with this relationship.
I for damn sure wasn’t sure.
“What did you all talk about?”
“Us. Things that make me mad and uncomfortable and the same for him.”
“What could possibly make him uncomfortable? You give him everything he wants.”
“I give him everything he wants with restrictions that he doesn’t like.”
Cory looked as confused as I felt on the inside. I too couldn’t understand how a man couldn’t be satisfied with having pussy at his discretion with the only rule being that he and that pussy respect me as his woman.
“I have my rules, and he doesn’t like my rules.”
“Did he really break the rules, though? To me, it sounds like Raven broke the rules, so are you really willing to risk your relationship over this lying bitch?”
“Raven is obviously a manipulator, but James and I wouldn’t be in this position if he made wiser decisions with his dick.”
“’Tis true, honey.”
“My issue is not Raven. What hurts is his sloppiness when it came to her. What if he had actually gotten her pregnant? There should be no woman taking pregnancy tests and feeling so comfortable that she even thinks there is a chance that she can be me. And while Raven may be oblivious to reality, as any woman, their sex plus time has equaled feelings on her part, and had he not spent that time, there would be no feelings.”
“There still could have been! We fall for good dick with no strings attached all the time.”
“True. But she wouldn’t be able to hurt me with the truth of him being there, laying up with her, and knowing him so well had he not made himself so available to her. James wants to date more than one woman, point blank period, and I can’t live like that. That opens the door for feelings and emotions, when the only person that bleeds for five days straight without dying that has feelings in this motherfuckin’ equation should be me.”
“Preach, damn it!”
“This is his lifestyle, not mine. His lifestyle hurt me and real lifestylers don’t hurt their spouses intentionally.”
“So what are you going to do?”
As surely as I sat there with assurance in knowing how James had hurt me and what the problem was, I still didn’t know how to fix this. I didn’t know how to come out on top with my man and with no hurt. I knew that I could no longer live how James wanted to live, but, honestly, I wasn’t sure that he would be willing to give it up for me.
He and I had been through this before. He’d already literally given me the same ultimatum that I wanted to give him.
Yet, I had given up what I wanted just to make him happy and to please him, and, in the back of my mind, I was hoping he would be willing to do it for me.
But reality left me unsure.
“I don’t know, Cory,” I answered with a sigh. “But what I do know is that James is going to drive me crazy if he continues to want to live like this, and I love my sanity more than I love him.”
“Chil’, if you don’t, you betta start.”
Sixteen
Saturday, July 9, 2011
VICTORIA
“I think you need to talk to Jesse.”
I looked at Dr. Peterson, peering at her over the top of my bootleg Gucci shades, like she was crazy as hell.
“Talk to that motherfucka about what?”
“In particularly, who he thinks your father is.”
“How would he know?”
“He was married to your mother. You don’t know what he knows.”
I sat on the couch tight-lipped and clutching my purse that sat in my lap. In flip flops, shorts, tank, ponytail, and shades, I looked cool on the outside, but Dr. Peterson’s constant badgering was making me hot with irritation and rage.
She continued to persuade me as I sat in silent rebuttal. “He can answer so many of your questions.”
“He beat the shit out of me.”
“I know.”
“Over and over again. I hate him. How can I face him?”
“To tell him exactly that,” she answered. She was so calm as she spoke to me, like this was so obvious to everyone, except me. “You need to get this anger out. You need to lash out on the right person, finally.”
I don’t care how many degrees this chick had, she was talking crazy as far as I was concerned.
The answer was so simple to her, but it was so intricate and impractical for me. I couldn’t believe that the moments of my life over fifteen years ago had led me here. I wondered if things had been better back then how my life would be positively different now. I wondered what kind of person I would have been had I ran away the first time Jesse hit me. I wondered how I would love differently had I never been touched by him.
I imagined that I would be authentically content in my own skin, a woman with less insecurities, and a woman with the ability to love easily and without regard.
Even though that person was just a thought, I envied her.
My way of dealing with Vince walking out on me was cal
ling him every chance I got and text messaging him until the point that I was sure he’d blocked me by now.
It was a bit much, and I knew this, but I didn’t know what else to do. By his absence, I knew that he considered it over between us, but I couldn’t let it go. I loved him and there was no doubt that he loved me. Despite the fact that I spent the last few months lying to him and cheating on him, our relationship was the most solid thing in my life.
Besides DeSire, he was the only other being that I could call mine.
I didn’t want a coke habit to ruin that.
Yet, my calls went unanswered and so did my text messages.
Which is why I damn near ran into the back of the Lexus in front of me when I saw him calling as I crawled in traffic through the city.
I answered, “Hello,” anxiously.
Admittedly, I didn’t know what to say. I just knew that I wanted my man back.
“Whose drugs were those, Vic?”
However, I did know that I wasn’t about to admit to this man that I was doing coke. It was too embarrassing to even admit.
“Is that all you have to say to me? I’ve been calling you for days, Vince. Why have you been ignoring me?”
I was trying my best to be calm. I didn’t want a battle. I didn’t want to argue.
I just wanted him.
He was the one thing, besides DeSire, that was currently going right in my life.
“You didn’t even give me a chance to explain. You didn’t ask any questions. You just walked out.”
“Whose drugs were they, Vic?”
I knew that he knew, and I knew that he knew that I was avoiding the question because I loved him too much to insult his intelligence with a lie.
But I tried anyway. “Blood’s.”
Vince snickered sarcastically. “That’s what you’re going to roll with?”
I was so frustrated that I wanted to throw a fit; kick my feet and swing my arms like a child. I wanted my way. I wanted to blink my eyes and have it all go away.
I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to talk to Jesse, and I didn’t want to divulge to Vince that I’ve been cramming powder up my nose.
“Vince, I love you. I miss you, baby. We can make it work. Don’t just walk away from this.”
His response to my begging and groveling was, “Whose drugs were they, Vic?”
I sighed. “This doesn’t change who I am or how much I love you.”
“Whose drugs were they, Vic?”
Frustrated with his persistence and refusal to give in, I gave up. “Is the answer really necessary?”
He hung up on me, telling me that, yes, it was very necessary.
TRICEY
Since Star’s verdict, I had been so depressed; so much so that I took the rest of the week off and Blood had to tend to Ariana for the most part.
I couldn’t believe it. After all of our efforts, Star was still in prison, and possibly doing more time than she was doing in the first place. I felt like, for Star and my mother, I had only made things worse with my persistence.
I couldn’t face my mother, and I damn sure couldn’t face Star.
Yet, now four days later, it was time for me to pull myself together and get over the lose. All I could do was pray that the judge would be lenient during his sentencing on Monday.
Since Ariana was gone, to get my mind off of things and attempt to continue on with life, I got out of bed this morning and got my house together; cleaned, washed, and other household errands while Blood and Devin were out in the garage having a meeting with a few of the block workers from out West.
I hadn’t checked the mail since Star’s verdict either, so while heading upstairs after putting a few loads in the dryer, I did. Of course the box was filled with bullshit; bills, coupons, and junk mail. However, there were a few items of importance that I sat down at the dining room table and went through.
I was completely caught off guard when I saw an envelope from the City of Chicago Court Services, but I quickly assumed that it had something to do with Star’s case as I opened it.
I was wrong.
I lost my breath as I read the motion to appear before a judge because Amiel was suing me for sole custody of Ariana. I let out a holler and began to cry when I read that his reasoning was child endangerment because I was living with a convicted felon.
I was hysterical. I sat at the table with my head down, crying, and wondering why I was so stupid to even let Amiel back into my life.
“Babe, what’s wrong?!”
By the time I lifted my head, Blood was standing in front of me; face full of concern and worry. I hated to even part my lips and tell him. I knew that he would give me the same look that exemplified what I felt on the inside; stupidity for not listening to him in the first place when he didn’t want me or Ariana anywhere near Amiel.
I was so distraught that I couldn’t even talk. I just handed Blood the paper, stood, and walked out of the dining room. I didn’t know where I was going, but I couldn’t look at Blood as he read that paper.
I ended up in the bedroom, but Blood was right behind me.
“You told that nigga about me?” He sounded shocked and disgusted.
“No, baby, I swear!”
“Then how does he know this shit?! He shouldn’t even know my fucking name!”
His anger made me feel worse. I felt so fucked up.
Things were finally coming together and the sun was starting to shine on this home, and now this.
Amiel was determined to fuck with me.
“I didn’t tell him shit, I swear!”
But Blood didn’t believe me. He sighed and shook his head like I was some dumb chick still in love with a nigga. He looked at me like how dare I run my mouth to this clown and was I really that open.
“I swear I didn’t, baby.”
He stood in the floor staring me down as I sat on the bed crying an ocean of tears. He watched me for a few seconds, as if he just didn’t even know what to say to me.
Finally he figured that he had nothing else to say. He just through the paper at me and walked out of the bedroom. I was too tired of the bullshit to even call after him. It hurt even more that he had nothing to say.
I wondered was that all he had left to give me; nothing.
LYRIC
James and I were going to dinner. We were attempting to have a little quality time and get things back on track.
It wasn’t working, though. There was a huge elephant in the room, and her name was Raven.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had been forced into this polygamist –type relationship. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had gone from enjoying bisexuality and threesomes to fully sharing my man with another woman. I couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter how much I loved James, this was not how I wanted to live.
As he walked in front of me towards the car, I watched him. I admired his beautiful brown skin, confident walk, and arousing smell. It sickened me to know that there was another woman enjoying the same when she was with him.
“James, stop.” I reached for him and held his hand. I looked into his eyes and saw uncertainty when he looked back at me.
I am sure he saw the same when he looked at me.
I saw love. I indeed saw love, but I saw something else; something uncertain and lost that was ruining this relationship, likely for the both of us.
“What’s up?”
“What are we doing?”
I sincerely wanted to know. I stood on that sidewalk in a beautiful dress, beat face, and hair that was done for the gawds. Not to look good for him, but to look better than her. As I dressed, I realized that I kept in my mind that I had to be better than her to win his heart.
I didn’t want to live my life like that anymore.
With a sigh, James answered wholeheartedly, “I don’t know, baby.” His blatant confession of doubt made it worse. “I know that I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He held my othe
r hand as well as he asked, “But?”
I was so relieved to admit. “But I can’t live like this with you anymore.”
“I want to be with you, baby. I’m so in love with you. You complete me.”
“But you want to have relationships with other women. You need it.”
“That’s me.”
“But it’s not me.”
With disappointment, James released my hands and leaned against his truck. With his hands in his pockets, he looked at me cautiously, as if he knew what was coming next.
I tried to paint this picture for him, to help him feel my pain so that maybe he would be willing to change for me. “This is hurting me. Do you understand that this is literally hurting me?”
“I understand.”
“Then why not just stop?”
He looked like he felt sorry for telling me his truth. “I can’t.”
“Not even for me?”
“We’ve been through this, Lyric.”
“I know. And now time has passed and you still aren’t willing to just try?”
The fact that he didn’t quickly tell me yes, dug at my insides. The fact that he didn’t love me so much that he was willing to do what I did for him, live uncomfortably just to make me happy, broke my heart.
As he stood there looking at me with regret, I thought of Veronica. I thought of how she simply wanted me to choose her and, despite how much I claimed to love her, I didn’t love her enough to spare her suffering.
I took his silence as an answer and told him, “Then I can’t be with you anymore, James.”
To dig the knife deeper, he calmly told me, “I can respect that.”
As I tried to think of what else to say, or even if there was anything to say, James reached in his pocket, handed me his house keys, and kissed me on my forehead to say goodbye.
I thought of myself, how no matter how much Veronica gave her soul to me, I couldn’t give it back. I loved her, but I didn’t love her like she loved me. I looked at James and saw myself.
Karma is a bitch, and it will humble you when it comes back around.
Seventeen
Monday, July 11, 2011
Good Girls Ain't No Fun Boxed Set (The SIX romance and urban fiction volumes of the LOVE, SEX, LIES series) Page 82
