by Joanne Pence
Melanie looked shocked. "He didn’t tell you?"
Lee's back stiffened. "Tell me what?"
"Oh, God, Lee. I was sure he would." Melanie twisted her fingers. "I wished I’d kept my big mouth shut! He was lonely. He missed you terribly and was upset that you weren’t here to go to a party given by some guy named Baldwin. I met him at CoCo’s and got him to take me home. I tried hard to get him to come inside with me--but he wouldn’t. He was true to you. He was angry, too, and I was sure he’d told you."
"I see." Lee was quiet, her thoughts only that Bruce had a chance to do what she did, but he’d been true to her. She felt worse than ever.
"I was pretty blasted, too, Lee. That’s my only excuse," Melanie said. "I want you to know what a great guy you’ve got there. I'm so ashamed. I hope you can forgive me."
Lee just looked at her. "Thank you for telling me about Bruce. As for forgiveness...it seems a lot is going to have to be given out around here."
Lee got her jacket from the maid and quietly left the apartment after telling Sissy she had a headache. The doorman found her a taxi and in a little while she was back in her apartment.
o0o
"What in the hell is wrong with you? How could you walk out on me tonight? Do you know how it looked to our friends? Do you? What will they think?" A blue vein stood out on Bruce's forehead, bisecting it at an odd angle as he stormed back and forth in front of her sofa.
"I was upset. I wasn’t thinking."
"You always think. Image is everything to you, and you know it."
"I’m sorry. I’d been talking to Melanie."
He flushed. "Did Melanie say something to you about me?"
"She said you took her home after an evening at CoCo’s and--"
"Christ! Lee, listen to me. I was lonely and...and, damn it, I was scared."
That threw her. "Scared? You?"
"Yes, damn you! Don't you think I could tell there was something going on with you? That you met someone...an old friend, or a new one. I don't know who or what, but I could tell. I could feel you slipping away from me. I love you, Lee. And that means I know when you're falling out of love with me."
Lee closed her eyes, feeling the dull, throbbing behind her temples, and suddenly she was tired and sad. And lonely. As easy as it would have been to lie, she couldn’t do it. "You’re right. I did meet someone." She laughed bitterly. "Melanie told me you were a perfect gentleman with her. That you refused her invitation. That you were true to me, and I’m lucky to have found you."
A slow smile spread over his face. "She told you that?"
"Yes, and it made me feel even worse than I did already because...because when faced with a similar situation, I didn't walk away."
"No, Lee, you can’t mean..."
"Yes." She averted her eyes, unable to look at him.
He collapsed in a chair, deflated and looked at her a moment. Then he lifted his chin. "How many times?"
"What?" She was shocked by his question.
"How many nights were you with this bastard, damn it! I have a right to know."
"One night."
He stood and began to pace. "That’s...that’s more or less understandable. It was probably a stupid mistake on your part, that’s all. Maybe it was simply a last fling for you, before our marriage. We’ve been true to each other for eighteen months, after all." He faced her. "I forgive you. We can make this work."
"What if it wasn’t a mistake? What if it meant a lot to me?"
"Darling, you don’t know what you’re saying." He knelt in front of her, grabbing her hands. So many times in the part he’d done this when she was upset, and it gave her a sense of love and security--that this proud man would do anything for her. "I think this is all...a delayed trauma from your mother’s death."
His word confused her. "A trauma?"
"I was worried when you never cried after her death. Now I see I had good reason to worry. I know you still love me, and I love you."
She rubbed her hands over her eyes, her forehead, trying to push away the hazy gray lethargy she felt, the strange numbness, almost as if she were in a vacuum with no idea which way to turn. He was right that she hadn't cried over her mother's death--she'd shed all her tears over Judith years earlier. "I'm tired, Bruce."
He got off the floor to sit at her side, his arms around her. "Let me stay." As she tried to stand, he pulled her close and kissed her hard, caressing her breast, his tongue jammed into her mouth. She wrestled herself free. "Please. I said I'm tired."
"Lee, don't do this!" He pulled her close again.
She shoved hard to get him away from her. "I’m sorry."
He stood. "I’ll give you time to get over it. Going home--remembering your youth, I can see the appeal in that, even the appeal of old friends and lovers. The thing is, Lee, you aren’t that young girl anymore. She’s gone, changed. No matter how many affairs you have, you can’t bring her back. You’re my companion. We have each other. This is our world, our lives. When you come to your senses--and you will--I’ll be waiting."
o0o
She dreamed she was flying, and below her glowed the lights of Miwok. Lee saw a Porsche, a 911 cabriolet, winding up the street to her mother's house, but instead of her driving, it was Melanie. Cheryl opened the door to Judith's house when Melanie reached it. "How nice to see you!"
She's not me, Mother. She's Melanie. You don't even know her!
But no one could hear her, and Melanie stepped inside. Sissy was there, throwing a party in the family room, and Judith sat on the wing tipped chair, a can of Budweiser in her hand.
Melanie walked up to Judith and kissed her cheek. "How do you feel, Mother, dear?"
"Fine, darling. How good of my beautiful child to come and see me."
- Mother! She's not me. I'm your daughter. Me!
"I love having you here. I love you, child."
-- What about me, Mother? Don’t you love me, too?
Sissy walked by. "Oh, Sissy," Melanie called. "You did invite Tony, didn't you? I can hardly wait to take him home with me." Her smile was broad and knowing.
-- No! Leave him alone!
"Of course! He’s waiting for you by the windows."
No! Stop, please stop! Not Tony! Don't take Tony from me...please, don't take Tony...
Lee awoke with tears running down her face, her heart pounding. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, knowing sleep wouldn't come again that night.
Chapter 20
Each evening, after the news broadcast, Lee telephoned Miriam. She loved hearing the happy, gentle lilt in Miriam's voice.
Bruce was losing patience with her. For days he'd brought her presents and sweet talked her. He liked to say that things would soon be as blissful as they'd been in the past. Was he right? she wondered. Were things ever 'blissful' between them, or simply comfortable and secure? She wasn't sure.
But then, she wasn't very sure about anything anymore. Always before things were either black or they were white. Now, though, they could have been chartreuse for all she knew.
One day, Bruce's exasperation boiled over. "I’ve got better things to do with my time than to watch you burn up the phone lines with a small town that’s not even a dot on a Triple-A map!"
"Then don’t let me stop you."
"Considering that you don’t want to let me do anything else around here, that just might be a good idea."
"I’ve never stopped you from doing anything."
"Oh? That’s not what you say whenever I try to get close to you."
"I’ve been under a strain."
"You’re always under a strain, or tired, or have your period, or that ulcer you finally decided to tell me about is acting up, or any goddamned thing to keep me away. We haven’t made love since you returned. You aren’t still carrying a torch for some country-bumpkin from Muckwuck are you? Some rube? Some hayseed who would embarrass you around all your friends the minute he opened his mouth. Tell me, does he raise cows or is it chickens?"
"Horses."
He gawked at her. "Tell me you’re joking."
Her voice was small. "No."
He frowned. "You don’t need me to tell you how wrong he is for you. You know it. That’s why you’re here and he’s there."
"Please, Bruce, don't do this."
He stood. "I should do what you want--leave and not come back. You'll find out how lonely it is around here without me. Who exists in your life except the people you work with, and me? And as much as you get invited to parties and hot-shot social functions, it's not because of who you are, Lee, it's because of what you are—a national TV news anchor."
"That's enough, Bruce."
"I'm the only one who cares about the real you. And where is this new lover of yours? I don’t see him visiting you, or calling, or even sending flowers. I think he used you. I think he’s going all over that pig-shit town telling all the other yokels how he got some glamorous New York news-babe into his bed."
"Do you feel better now, Bruce?" Her tone was as calm and cold as she could make it.
Exasperated, he turned and stormed out of her apartment, slamming the door so hard the walls rattled.
o0o
Friday night, four weeks after returning to New York, Lee sat alone in her apartment. She and Bruce had formed a cold truce. She didn’t try to explain to him about Tony. She didn’t want to, and knew he wouldn’t understand. He would take something beautiful and make it ugly--uglier than he already had.
She'd told him she wanted to move her belongings out of his place, but he asked her not to, saying that he understood that she was upset right now, and it wasn't the time to take any rash actions. He wouldn't push her, if she would simply give them both more time to work things out. His request seemed reasonable and practical. She agreed, not wanting any more confrontations.
It was one a.m., but she wasn't in the least bit tired. She glanced at her cell phone. Burning up the phone lines to Miwok, Bruce had said. Perhaps. She could do more calling, if she wanted to. She scooted to the opposite side of the sofa, closer to the phone. But she didn't want to, did she? She was getting over Miwok. It was an aberration, childhood regression, nothing more.
She felt like one of those crazy old women that sit around and telephone people all night long. They especially love to latch onto radio talk shows where they can be heard any evening, usually whining about UFO's or ESP. She put her elbow on the arm of the sofa and pressed her knuckles to her mouth. He isn’t asleep yet, she thought. It’s only ten o’clock there. What could she say if she called him? Hi, it's Friday night and I'm lonely. Lonely...Bruce had often said she would be lonely without him, but actually she wasn't. Not until now. Not until she began thinking about the one person she missed.
To be alone had always been fine with her. She'd prided herself on her self-containment, never hungered for another person's company, and surely, she didn't now. Maybe she should phone him just to prove to herself that he didn't mean a thing to her? That she didn't need anyone. After high school, she'd learned that lesson well. She'd walked out on her own mother, in a sense, and never looked back. Her aloofness was part of her persona--the core, the heart, the black hole that was Lee Reynolds.
She picked up the phone and punched in his number, determined to prove to herself how unimportant he was.
"Hello," Tony said, and the sound of his voice told her she'd been wrong. The memory of him came with startling sharpness into her mind: thick black hair, sultry eyes, sexy, sensitive mouth, strong hands and arms. And with that memory came also thoughts of the night she tasted his kisses, felt the warmth of his broad muscled chest, felt his fire.
"This is Lisa." She used her full name without realizing it.
"Lisa..." His voice was soft as if he scarcely believed it was her. She could picture him standing, probably a half smile playing on his lips, maybe his free hand running his fingers through his hair. "You called. I kept hoping...then I gave up."
His voice was beautifully smooth, musical, with a hushed delight in the tone and cadence that made her feelings soar. "I've thought about calling. A lot," she said. She wanted to tell him she missed him, but she was finding her emotions so strong it was hard to speak. It was all she could do not to blubber and feel more foolish than she did now.
"I can't believe you're so far away when I see you on TV every night."
She felt as if the floor dropped out from under her and her fingers tightened on the phone. "I can't either...not when you sound so close...." Close enough I should be able to touch you. She remembered the warmth of his silky skin under her fingers, the heat yet gentleness of his kisses on her lips. She swallowed hard. "How's Ben?"
"He watches you, too. He's learning a lot about world news."
"Glad I'm doing something right, then."
"I've run into Miriam a couple of times. She tells me she still loves being here. She and Gene are getting pretty serious."
"Yes, I think you’re right." She smiled at the thought of Tony and Miriam running into each other, talking and probably laughing together. "I’m glad you've seen Miriam. She never mentioned it."
"I kind of asked her not to. I wasn't sure you'd even want to remember knowing me now that you're back in New York."
She shut her eyes, drawing in her breath. When she spoke, her voice was soft. "I could never forget you."
There was a long pause before he said softly, "Miriam told me I was wrong."
She fought the sudden tightness in her throat. "Yes."
"Work's all right, then?" He forced a chipper tone.
"Yes."
"I guess you're still with your boyfriend, old what's his name?"
"It's not important."
"Don't want to say, huh? He must be some big shot, I guess."
"Not really."
"Like a Kennedy or something."
"He's no one famous, Tony. I see him on occasion, that’s all."
"Is he still telling you how to succeed in business without really trying?"
"Yes."
"Ignore him."
She laughed. "I am. That's just the problem."
"That's the best news I've heard all month." There was a long pause during which neither said anything, as the impact of her words and his reaction settled over them.
"God, I’ve missed you," he whispered.
That did it. Her stomach twisted and the longing she felt was almost more than she could bear. "Well, I'd better go....I just wanted to say hello."
"Hello, Lisa."
Her eyes filled with tears. "Hello, Tony."
"Will you call again sometime?"
"I...I'm not sure."
"You asked me not to phone you, and I'll honor that until you say otherwise," he said. "But I’ll be here anytime you want to pick up that phone, okay?"
"I'm glad, Tony."
"Good bye, Lisa."
"Good bye."
o0o
Lee didn't let herself dwell on the reasons why, but she phoned again the following Friday night. The shyness of their phone conversation vanished after their simultaneous "hellos." It was as if they had never parted, as if three thousand miles didn't stand between them. Tony was ecstatic that his attorney had succeeded in getting Ben’s custody hearing postponed a month. Now, it was six weeks away. Tony decided he and Ben should celebrate. It was mid-June, the time school years end in northern California, and the two of them were going to Yosemite for a few days so Ben could see its high waterfalls.
The thought of Tony and Ben going off to the park, a place of such incredible beauty it scarcely seemed real, made her feel a little wistful, and more than a little lonesome for their company and even for California.
When Tony said he wished she could be with them, she almost replied, "Just ask me." But she didn't, and had he asked, she wouldn't. Still, it was nice to dream.
o0o
The following Friday, Tony was full of happy tales of his vacation, and Lee had lots to say about the nasty 'politics' going on at the news sta
tion, so they both talked and laughed until they were quite worn out.
Lee had to go out of town the Friday after that night to handle a special assignment for the weekend. She tried to reach Tony a couple of times on Saturday when she was free, but there was no answer. Each time her cell phone rang, she looked at it with anticipation, but none of the calls were from Tony.
He’d asked twice if he could call her, and both times she’d said no. Had that been wrong of her? She couldn’t help but wonder how it made him feel. Did he think she didn’t want him interrupting her life, or did he realize it was purely self-defense on her part? Or, was there something more going on here, more than she dared admit?
o0o
The following Friday night, the same time as she usually phoned Tony, she sat staring at her phone. All week long she'd agonized over what to do this evening. To carry on a long distance whatever-it-was with him didn’t make sense. He might have even thought she was chasing him, which she didn’t think she was doing because she didn’t know what she’d do if she caught him. She had a full life, she had friends, even if her best friend, Melanie, had disappointed her. It was just that her life seemed a little fuller, a little richer, with Tony in it again. Was that so wrong?
On the other hand, a part of her argued that it might not even be healthy to make these calls. It set up the semblance of a long-distance relationship that, in truth, didn't exist. And shouldn't exist. And had no hope for existence given their differences.
Her apartment was ungodly silent. Beyond silent. Empty. Finally, she couldn't stand it any longer and picked up the phone.
"Hello?" His voice sounded tentative.
"Hi, Tony."
She could hear his breath come out in a rush. "Lisa..."
She had planned on sounding calm and indifferent, but instead the words poured out of her. "I was out of town last weekend."
"Ah. Well, sure, I expected it. I mean, I never expected you to sit alone in your apartment every weekend, especially with your important boyfriend "
"I was working."
She could hear his smile as he exclaimed, "Working?"
Relief filled her like helium, lifting her ten feet high. “It was actually an interesting assignment…”
