Suddenly, the reprieve was over and Tommy started sucking on her breasts in earnest. Cradling her bottom with one hand, he guided the fingers of the other inside her, which caused her to cry out. A few firm strokes and she came all over him, throwing her head back and moaning. And her virginity was still intact.
****
Jane played the scene near the stream over in her head several times that night. At times, she blushed at her actions but, by and large, she was astonished at how wonderful it felt to be made love to. Jane had thought about marital relations, of course, but her mother imparted very little wisdom to her when it came to that sort of thing. It seemed as though most women thought it was just a chore that they had to submit to for their husbands’ sakes. It had never occurred to Jane that lovemaking could actually be something pleasurable for her. Unless, of course, she was kidnapped by a swashbuckling pirate! But, rationally speaking, she knew that those fantasies from romance novels were just fantasies. In reality, a swashbuckling pirate would probably be smelly, with coarse hands—nothing like well-groomed Tommy. And yet, if he was a gentleman, wasn’t his behavior extraordinary? Jane knew that some of her friends let their admirers kiss them and take a few more liberties, but no one admitted to going as far as she had.
Jane wondered if Tommy was experienced when it came to making love. He seemed to be a man of the world. Maybe he’d had a mistress at Oxford. Jane had heard of women of that sort—“bits of muslin” as they were called, a vulgar expression that never passed her own lips. She hadn’t thought too much about that kind of woman but now, she wondered if she was walking a path that would lead her to that eventuality. Although sought out by men who wanted to fulfill their sexual desires, such women were on the fringes of society, never admitted to the houses of the truly respectable. It was a frightening thought to have come so close to losing her virginity, all for a brief moment of passion. But that moment had surely been ecstatic and, when she looked back at it, Jane didn’t see how she could have restrained herself in Tommy’s arms.
For a few days, Jane avoided going on her usual walk. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to meet Tommy but that she needed to sort out her own feelings. Three years before, she could have confidently said that Tommy wasn’t the kind of man to interest her. But now, she wasn’t so sure. Like those romantic heroines she’d read about, she felt that she was being swept away on a tide of emotion that she couldn’t control. She wanted to pause for a second, and figure things out, but could find no way to slow down, except to retreat altogether. And this was what she would do.
It was possible, she thought, that all her ruminating about the subject was for naught. She didn’t know if Tommy still had feelings for her or if he was merely amusing himself. What could she do to bring him to the point? She remembered the pleasure he had taken in looking at her naked by the stream and wondered if she could convince him to fall in love with her again by invoking his desire. She would have to be unashamed of her nudity and she’d have to resist the feminine modesty instilled in her from childhood. However, the habit of not putting herself forward was deeply ingrained and it required a great deal of resolution for her to throw it off. Plus, she knew that she was taking a risk because if her plan didn’t succeed, then she would have lost her virginity as well as any chance of being respectably married. Was it worth it?
****
After the day at the stream, Tommy’s thoughts ran in a different direction. He suffered from pangs of remorse, at once again taking advantage of Jane’s inexperience. Despite his cool exterior and the restraint he showed, he was not unaffected by her willing submission to his desires. While growing up, he’d fallen in love with her beauty and her strength of character, but now, he saw a new side to her he’d never suspected. She was sensual and responsive, albeit in an innocent way. Unlike the other women he’d been with, her pleasure in lovemaking was spontaneous, not rehearsed. Tommy had slept with some women who thought to please him excessively by loud moaning and enthusiastic participation in the act of love, but Jane’s instinctive caresses and mild trembling with passion aroused him a great deal more. The fact that she had trusted him enough to let things go as far as they did, spoke volumes, but Tommy knew he needed to bring up his feelings for her again before he took things any further. Jane deserved the dignity of an engagement and marriage. A smile crossed his lips at the thought of referring to her as Mrs. Bailey.
However, when Jane kept her distance from him for the next few days, Tommy grew unsure and agitated. He knew that she had enjoyed herself by the stream but realized that she was no doubt regretting her actions, as improper. He knew that his intentions towards her were completely honorable; he would have married her in a heartbeat if he thought that she would agree. But did she know that? Did she doubt him? She had known him all her life. She couldn’t possibly imagine that he was toying with her emotions. Women, however, were irrational creatures and Tommy even knew that some of them delighted in men who treated them badly. This was something that had been forcefully brought home to him at Oxford where the most popular young men, with the greatest number of conquests, were the ones who appeared not to care. Tommy felt that it was beneath him to be anything other than honest; Jane would know how he felt at their next meeting, as soon as he could find the right moment to declare himself. He threw off his diffidence and decided to do what was necessary to make her his.
****
When Tommy met Jane a few days later on the avenue, he found her in a state of anxiety which expressed itself in a manic way; she laughed and smiled and chatted away as though nothing was the matter, barely giving Tommy a chance to get a word in edgewise. Having decided to declare himself once more, he was anxious himself, clearing his throat over and over and adjusting his cravat. These small motions made him feel more settled, helping him build up his courage to speak his mind. Just when he was about to proclaim his love for her again, Jane took the conversation in a different direction.
“Thank goodness it is not so warm anymore,” she said. Then, as though struck by the memory of their last warm day together, she blushed.
“Yes, a few more of those days might have proven to be our undoing,” replied Tommy, distracted by the loveliness of her blush, especially as it spread down towards her breasts, disappearing in the lace that only partially covered her creamy skin.
“It was quite wonderful to go to our stream again,” she declared. I don’t know why I hadn’t been there in so long. It is such a delightful spot.”
Tommy didn’t immediately rise to the bait. “It’s not surprising,” he said, “that you didn’t go there after I left for Oxford. It is hardly the kind of thing a grown young woman does, given her plentiful social appointments. I’m sure you had far more important things to do, like attending dinner parties and balls.”
“However, the simple pleasures of nature are not above me,” said Jane. “If Miss Fanny Price, one of my favorite romantic heroines, takes much pleasure in the beauties of nature, then surely I should follow her example.” So saying, she turned away and started making her way towards the stream. Tommy hesitated for a second and then followed her. Laughing, she ran through the trees, at times even disappearing from his sight altogether. She made it very difficult for him to restrain himself. It had taken everything he had not to make love to her as completely as he had wanted to the last time. The sight of her naked body trembling as he ran his wet hands over her made him want to dispense with his clothing in a trice and enter her immediately. It was an instinctive desire that made him want to stake his claim, and mark this woman as being his.
Having lost sight of her, Tommy came to the stream to find that she was nowhere in sight. He looked around and saw her dress lying on the grass, along with her shoes and bonnet. And then, he saw her emerging from the stream, wearing nothing but a chemise that clung to her wet body, showing more than it covered. Tommy was instantly hard. However, he was determined to talk to her about his feelings before he indulged in any more lovemaking. It wasn’t r
ight to continue to keep her in suspense about his intentions, unless she had already assumed that he still loved her and intended to marry her. He didn’t know what was going on in her head and so, he just waited there until she came out of the water and stood, dripping, in front of him. Only then did he reach out and touch her smooth shoulder, glistening in the dappled sunlight. Jane shivered a little as he drew her closer and, with no regard for his immaculate clothing, kissed her slowly, lingeringly, using his tongue to wipe away the drops of moisture that clung to her skin.
At the same time, his hands roamed across her body, from her breasts to her hips, caressing her curves but in a teasing manner. She stood on her toes, pushing her breasts out further, insinuating her derriere into his hands. If Tommy hadn’t known better, he would have assumed that she was an experienced woman who knew exactly what to do to turn him on. The temptation to have her right there was great, and she seemed to be ready. Yet, Tommy held back, fighting the urgency of his passion, giving her less than her body demanded. Not to be satisfied with such treatment, Jane twined her arms around him, touching him in the same way that he was touching her. She pulled off his coat and then his waistcoat, leaving him in his shirtsleeves. Her hands moved lower, to touch his manhood, but he gripped her wrist before she could go any further.
“Wait,” said Tommy, agitatedly running his hand through his hair. At this rate, he would never get around to saying what he wanted to say. He looked away from Jane so that she wouldn’t see how much she tempted him, how much it cost him to resist. Last time, with her willing submission, it had been hard enough. Now, with her as an active participant, it was all he could do not to tear off that chemise and throw her on the grass.
Tommy stood there in a state of indecision, his physical needs warring with his heart. He could neither carry on with the lovemaking nor declare himself as he had meant to do. He just stood there, dazed, making an effort to collect himself but distracted by her loveliness. That pause, however, proved to be his undoing because it gave Jane the chance to retreat. Before he could say anything, she gathered her things together and ran into the woods, tears glistening in her eyes.
****
Tommy cursed himself several times after meeting Jane by the stream. Perhaps it was time for him to just go over to her house where he could formally ask for her hand. He’d delayed long enough out of a fear of rejection and then, he’d picked the worst possible time to speak. He should have realized that her attempt to seduce him meant that she felt the same way about him. Instead of stopping her in a misguided attempt to seal the deal, he should have let matters take their natural course. It was just so hard to read Jane. At one moment, he was convinced that she cared about him, but shortly thereafter, doubts assailed him. In any case, Tommy didn’t have to wonder what to do for very long; the vicar proposed to Jane that very evening.
Tommy heard about this occurrence at the dinner table; the entire family was agog with the news while his sister Elizabeth looked at him sardonically, as if to say, “I told you so.” Tommy was quiet throughout the meal and ate little, disappointing his mother who was all solicitude. She had not had the opportunity to fuss over him for the past three years while he’d been at Oxford, so she tried to cram in all the maternal feelings she could—often to Tommy’s frustration and Elizabeth’s great amusement.
“Well, it’s about time,” said Tommy’s father. “We kept hearing about the possibility for the past year. I, for one, am heartily sick of the topic. Let them marry or not marry. What difference can it make?”
“Well, it’s not a bad catch for her,” said Tommy’s mother. “The vicar has a nice appointment and a nice house and since Jane is not to come into very much money of her own, one can’t really expect her to do much better, despite her good looks.”
“So it’s all settled then?” Tommy asked finally. “She accepted his proposal?”
“Of course she did,” said Tommy’s mother. “For a while, it looked as though she was holding out for William Casey, but he couldn’t be brought up to scratch.”
“I, for one, am surprised,” said Elizabeth. “Jane has never shown any preference for the vicar. If anything, it seemed to me as if she avoided his advances. Now, of a sudden, they are to be married. Something must have happened to tip her in that direction.” She looked pointedly at Tommy, who said nothing.
After dinner, Tommy told his family that he had some letters to write and disappeared into the library, where he paced back and forth. He had no desire to write letters or read books. It was a time for action, but what would be the best action to take? He wasn’t sure. Elizabeth entered the library to talk to him about the matter, and he didn’t attempt to throw her out this time. She was a young woman. Maybe she would know how Jane felt. Tommy was at his wit’s end and ready to try anything.
“Well, brother,” said Elizabeth with mock sadness, “isn’t this a depressing business? Jane and the vicar? Why, he’s vain and boring and I’m sure that Jane could do a great deal better.”
“Do you really think so?” Tommy asked despondently. “Perhaps she would be better off with him than with me. She certainly seems to think so!”
“Obviously the two of you have had some kind of disagreement. I know you’ve been going to see her every day during her daily walks. You wouldn’t have done that unless she’d given you some encouragement.”
“I thought that things were going well. We seemed to be getting closer and then, we had a misunderstanding.”
“Well, no matter what you fought about, you must make the first move to rectify the situation. Time is of the essence. Jane has already agreed to the vicar’s proposal. Short of kidnapping her and taking her to Gretna Green, there’s not much you can do—unless you manage to change her mind somehow. I take it you renewed your proposal during your walks?”
Tommy looked up at his sister shamefacedly. He had thought about proposing again, of course, but kept putting it off, unwilling to risk another rejection. And today, when Jane offered herself up to him, body and soul, he’d rejected her.
“You didn’t propose!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “No wonder she’s intent on tying the knot with the vicar. You sought out her company so many times, leading her to expect a proposal which never came.”
“It wasn’t exactly like that,” Tommy protested. But, upon thinking about it, he realized that that was exactly what it was like—at least in Jane’s eyes. He’d never tried to view things from her perspective before, but now, he saw things differently. The magnitude of Jane’s gesture earlier in the day, hit him full force. He had to make things right. But how?
“It’s not too late,” said Elizabeth. “Go to her house tomorrow or meet her by the avenue. I’m sure you’ll be able to contrive something. She loves you, Tommy. I can see it in her eyes. She looks at you differently since you returned from Oxford. You’ve grown up and so has she.”
****
Jane was mortified at her own actions. She didn’t know what had possessed her to behave in the way she had by the stream. Allowing herself to be swept away in the heat of the moment was one thing but actually setting out to seduce a man was another. She was a shameless hussy with no regard for propriety or decorum. But she had hoped that Tommy would see past all that to her need to please him and be with him in the most intimate way possible. When she’d seen the look on his face as she came out of the water, she’d been sure of success. She’d felt like a powerful goddess then. But her dreams had come crumbling down in that moment when he had turned away from her, as though pained. He’d been disgusted and rightly so. He’d assumed that she was an innocent young woman poised on the brink of womanhood. Now, he probably thought that she allowed all her suitors such liberties. Jane was so angry at herself, she wanted to scream. At least, she reassured herself, she’d now learned her lesson. She would no longer let herself be guided by her feelings and would make the most prudent match possible.
It had not been her intention to rush into anything but the vicar caught her unawares.
In a fit of desperation, she allowed him to pop the question, answering with an impatient yes. She wanted this whole business of choosing a mate to be over and done with. It made no difference who she married if she couldn’t be with Tommy, the only person so far that she could imagine herself in love with. This thought entered her mind out of the blue, like an epiphany. The truth had been before her all along and yet, she had shied away from it. She loved Tommy! She loved the dear, sweet boy that she had known all her life, who had been her partner in many games, but she was in love with the man he had become—the handsome, intelligent, well-spoken young man who she thought was courting her until it became apparent that he had merely let his desires lead him into a situation that he was not prepared to confront. Since he came back from Oxford, Jane didn’t think that Tommy was in love with her anymore, but he seemed to desire her and she had submitted, even inflamed his desire. She’d behaved in a most unladylike fashion and Tommy had merely gone along with it. What man would have turned down something that was so easily achieved, something just there for the taking? Jane wept bitterly at her imprudence. Thankfully, no one had to know anything, for she was still a virgin.
Jane assumed, after Tommy’s rejection by the stream, that she was safe from his advances. She might have behaved like a shameless hussy, but at least he had come to his senses before it was too late. A few tears escaped from Jane’s eyes in the dark of her bedroom. She swept them aside and made a concerted effort to go to sleep. The vicar would come by in the morning to spend the day with her and she couldn’t look puffy-eyed the day after her engagement or everyone would suspect something was wrong. As she deliberately closed her eyes, though, she heard a noise at her window. At first, she thought that she had imagined it, but when it was repeated, she got up to investigate.
Miss Jane's Undoing Page 3
