“I think she’s just a little uncomfortable knowing that her aunt marrying her teacher,” Happy whispered to Hazel, loudly enough for Mr. Kelly to hear. Happy enjoyed making people she didn’t necessarily like feel uncomfortable. And making strict, geeky Mr. Kelly uncomfortable? It was too perfect an opportunity for Happy to pass up.
Apple smiled politely. “Of course not … well, maybe a little.”
“This is definitely a night for champagne,” Apple’s dad, who was standing by the fridge door, announced. “If Hazel is getting married, that means she won’t be hanging out here so much,” he said, jokingly. “Jim, she’s all yours now! Bee Bee, do we have any on hand?”
“Second shelf!” Apple’s mother directed.
“Well, this certainly is a happy occasion. And it certainly is a surprise,” Dr. Bee Bee Berg said. “You’ve only known each other for—what?—about ten weeks? In fact, Apple and I were talking just a couple of hours ago about people getting married so quickly these days.”
“Don’t ruin this for me, Bee Bee,” Hazel said, her tone turning sour. “When you know, you know! And we know, right, Jim? We know we are meant to be together. We knew it from the second we met.”
Hazel walked over to Mr. Kelly and brought him over to the couch, where she forced him to sit down and then, much to Apple’s horror, proceeded to sit on his lap.
Apple was embarrassed. Not only was her math teacher in her house, but her aunt was sitting on his lap, in front of her parents and best friends. She would never hear the end of this.
Brooklyn and Happy again burst out in laughter. “Of course you and Jim are meant to be together,” laughed Happy. “You and Jim make the perfect couple.”
“Hold on there, Happy. I’m still Mr. Kelly to you!” their math teacher finally said, attempting to make a joke. But it fell flat, as his jokes usually did in class. Was there even such thing as a funny math teacher? wondered Apple.
There was so much mayhem that Apple didn’t notice a pair of arms suddenly wrapping around her waist. She jumped in shock.
“It’s just me!” Lyon said, handing her a bouquet of flowers and giving her a peck on the cheek.
“Ah, that’s so sweet,” Brooklyn said, sighing romantically. “I wish I had a boyfriend who gave me flowers.”
Though Brooklyn had been hanging out recently with Hopper, she could not get him to commit to anything, not even dinner or a phone call. But Brooklyn, to her credit, or maybe thanks to her yoga and meditation, was laid back about these things. It had only recently begun to bug her that she might be more into Hopper than he was into her. Apple imagined it was especially hard on Brooklyn to be single when her two best friends were in relationships.
“Thanks. That’s so nice of you,” Apple said, smelling the roses then placing them on a table. She would put them in a vase later.
“So I guess it went well? All this celebration?” Lyon asked, smiling.
“It’s not for me,” Apple said, as Lyon gazed at her. “Really, it’s not.”
“It’s for me!” Hazel cried out, taking a swig of champagne straight from the bottle. “Jim and I are getting married. He proposed!”
“That’s great, uh, Mr. Kelly,” said Lyon, walking over to shake his hand. At least Lyon didn’t have Mr. Kelly as a teacher this year, thought Apple. He was lucky.
“Let’s go up to my bedroom for a second,” Apple whispered to Lyon. She could no longer stand to see her aunt being so, well, so much in Crazy Aunt overload. “We’ll be right back,” Apple called out to the rest of the room, though no one seemed to hear. Brooklyn and Happy were busy talking and sneaking sips of champagne. Guy had just walked in, joining the party, and hugging Mr. Kelly. Mr. Kelly looked extremely uncomfortable being embraced by Guy, who was screaming, “Congratulations! Guy is so happy for you! Guy has the perfect friend to make your wedding suit! Guy knows just where to find the perfect centerpieces! Guy loves weddings!”
It was too much for Apple. She needed at least a minute or two of peace and quiet.
“So did it go well?” Lyon asked, once they were in her bedroom alone. “I want to hear everything.”
“I think so,” Apple said, pulling him in for a hug. She immediately relaxed in his arms.
“It must have. You didn’t call me after like you promised,” Lyon said lightly.
Oh, my God, thought Apple. She was the worst girlfriend ever. She had forgotten to call Lyon twice! In one day! What was wrong with her brain?
“I am so sorry. It was a crazy day and now Aunt Hazel has just announced she’s getting married to Mr. Kelly after, like, three months. Doesn’t that make you sick?” Apple asked.
“Well, when you know, you know,” said Lyon sweetly.
“God, you sound like Aunt Hazel. That’s exactly what she said,” Apple laughed.
“Come give me another hug, you love cynic,” Lyon said, smiling.
Apple gave Lyon another tight hug. They started to kiss. She loved how Lyon kissed so gently. She loved the feeling of his fingers tickling her back as they kissed. He had just reached under her shirt when—
“Hey, Apple,” Happy said, bursting in the room. “Oops! Sorry to interrupt. Should I come back in a bit? Or perhaps you should think about getting a lock on your door.”
“No, it’s okay,” said Apple, pulling down her shirt. She could feel her face turn red. “What’s up?”
“Is it okay if Zen comes over? I told him we were all here and he wants to congratulate Aunt Hazel,” Happy laughed.
“Right, Happy. You just want him to come over to laugh at Mr. Kelly,” said Apple. She knew Happy too well.
“Well, duh!” She smirked.
“Fine. Whatever,” Apple said.
“Great! But you two better come down soon! Your mother is asking where you went. My guess is that if she doesn’t see you in the next thirty seconds, she’ll be barging in like I did,” sang Happy. “And I don’t think you really want your mother to see you two in such a passionate embrace! Just a warning!”
“Thanks,” said Apple.
Apple couldn’t ignore that Lyon looked a little put out about Happy wanting Zen to come by. Of course he knew, as the whole school did, all about Apple’s former Super-Sized Zen Crush. But that was over. She was with Lyon now, and Zen was with Happy. He had nothing to worry about, as Apple constantly seemed to be reminding him. And yet every time Lyon found out that she and Zen were partners on a project for school or sat beside each other in class, he seemed annoyed. Perhaps he had heard rumors at school, even though they weren’t true, that Apple was still into Zen.
“Is something wrong?” she said, taking Lyon by his arm downstairs, where they went to lounge on the couch across from her aunt and her—ga!—future uncle.
“No. It’s your night. Let’s celebrate your new job,” he said, plastering a big smile on his face.
“Internship. No pay. Real jobs, you get paid,” Apple said.
“Well, I still think it’s amazing,” he said, planting a kiss on Apple’s mouth. “God, I just wish I could get you alone. It seems like we haven’t been alone in a while,” he whispered in her ear.
“It’s only been, like, two days,” laughed Apple, smiling as she recalled their movie night.
“That’s like two weeks for me,” said Lyon.
“You’re sweet,” she said, pouting, pretending to be sad.
“How about tomorrow night I take you out for dinner? Any place you want. My treat. To celebrate your new job!”
“That sounds great,” Apple said. But then she remembered. Her face fell.
“What?” asked Lyon, looking concerned.
“I can’t! I start work tomorrow. It’s my first day! I have no idea how late I have to stay.”
Apple felt horrible. Her amazing boyfriend wanted to take her out to celebrate her new job, and now her new job was already getting in the way of her relationship.
“I’m really sorry. I just can’t!” she moaned.
“Well, can I at least be your ch
auffeur and drop you off and pick you up after work?” Lyon asked
“There’s nothing that would make me happier,” Apple said, giving him another quick kiss on the mouth.
“Okay, take it to a hotel room,” said Brooklyn. “There are other people here, you know! Have some consideration for us maybe-single people!”
“Oh, poor Brooklyn,” said Happy. “You don’t need anyone. You have your gurus and your yoga instructors and—”
“Stop trying to make me feel better, Happy. And stop making fun of me!”
“You know we love you. And Hopper does like you. He is just a little slow. You know that. He just doesn’t understand what to do. He needs to be told what to do.”
“Yeah,” laughed Brooklyn. “It’s so hard to pick up the phone.”
“Don’t you worry, Brooklyn,” Crazy Aunt Hazel said, joining in. “If I can find my soulmate, so will you. So will you.”
Then the doorbell rang.
“It’s Zen! It’s Zen! I’ll get it,” Happy said, jumping up from the couch.
“Hey, baby,” she said, giving Zen a hard kiss on his lips as soon as he came through the door. “Come in. It’s a party!”
“I can see that,” Zen said, looking at everyone in the room.
When his eyes rested on Lyon, there was an immediate awkwardness. Or was Apple just being paranoid for the umpteenth time today? Was she just imagining that the vibe had suddenly changed in the room? Zen would barely look at Lyon, and Lyon would not meet Zen’s eyes. But Lyon was always friendly, which is one of the reasons Apple adored him so much. Plus, he had to understand that Zen was dating Apple’s best friend, so of course Apple would have to spend some time with him. It was inevitable.
“Hey, man,” Lyon said, holding out his hand to Zen.
“Hey,” said Zen, giving it a quick shake.
Zen turned to Apple.
“So, Apple, I hear you’re going to be working at Angst!” he said. “According to Happy, it’s the best magazine in the world,” he added, somewhat mockingly, but with a sweet smile. Happy swatted him.
“It is the best magazine in the world,” said Happy. “I look forward to it every week! One day I’m going to be on the cover!”
“Yup, I’m starting tomorrow,” Apple said, grabbing Lyon’s hand so he would be reassured—not that he needed reassuring. But Apple wanted to make him feel comfortable.
“You must be excited! I hear you’re getting your own advice column,” Zen said.
“I’m a little nervous, to tell you the truth,” Apple said. “They’re starting a television show to go along with the magazine and I have to be on television too.”
“You never told me that,” said Lyon, looking at her strangely, dropping her hand from his. Apple was surprised at this but pretended not to notice.
“I was going to. I just never got the chance! I don’t want to admit it, but I am nervous. I want to do well there. I don’t want to screw up,” said Apple. “I can barely bring myself to think about it.”
“Well, don’t be nervous. I know you’re going to do great,” Lyon said supportively.
“We’ll see,” Apple said. “What’s the worst that can happen? Well, I guess I could get fired.”
Apple and her friends listened as another cork popped in the kitchen and Aunt Hazel screamed in total drunken delight. For a moment, Apple was jealous. She wished she could be as happy and carefree as her aunt, who didn’t seem to have a worry in the world at this moment. Apple hadn’t even started her new job and already she was imagining telling everyone she knew how she screwed up and why she got fired, ruining her future in magazines and television forever.
Apple’s body and brain felt like a deflating balloon. The celebration had died down—the celebration for Apple that had turned into a celebration for Crazy Aunt Hazel’s engagement. Mr. Kelly had carried her aunt to his car after she had gotten so drunk she started doing a striptease dance for him, to the utter delight of Zen, Lyon, Happy, and Brooklyn, and to the sheer mortification of Apple and her parents.
Zen and Happy left with Brooklyn. Lyon asked Apple if she wanted to go for a walk.
Apple had always loved to walk, especially if she was anxious or needed to really think about something in silence. Walking for Apple was like meditation for Brooklyn and shopping for Happy. Walking calmed her down. It made her feel serene.
But Apple pointed down at her mangled feet, now covered with multiple Band-Aids. She couldn’t imagine standing on her sore feet for one minute longer. Lyon had looked sad, like a puppy dog that needed a home.
“Okay,” he said. “Call me later, then.”
“It’s already after eleven,” Apple said. “I need sleep so I can go to school tomorrow and then become a productive member of society. I’m now a working woman, remember?”
“I’ll see you at the Spiral Staircase, then,” he said, and they kissed goodbye.
Apple decided to pick out what to wear tomorrow before she went to bed. She didn’t want to fret about it all night. She had never cared about how she dressed before. As of this very morning, she hadn’t cared! She simply was not brave enough to venture into the fash-ionista world like Happy. But now, even as she looked at the huge pile of Absolutely Not clothes on her bedroom floor, she decided she had nothing suitable to wear for her first official day at Angst, where everyone was so fashionable. She made a note to ask Happy to take her shopping with her as soon as she could find the time. Her mother wouldn’t mind shelling out the cash, especially if Apple professed she needed professional clothes to make a “good impression” at her professional new job. Apple finally settled on skintight black jeans, red ankle boots, and a black short-sleeved sweater.
She could only imagine what Emme would be wearing tomorrow and how she would treat Apple. Apple consoled herself by thinking that maybe another celebrity would stop by. That would be fun.
All these years she had never really cared about celebrities, but she couldn’t help but feel excited at having seen Sloan Starr in person. She was starting to understand Happy’s obsession with celebrities. She could sort of see now why strangers would ask for her mother’s autograph.
Somehow, Apple managed to fall asleep—amazing since her nerves felt shot with the pressure of her new job, a new advice column that all her friends would read, and the thought of appearing on television.
She woke up the next morning, though, with butterflies in her stomach. She couldn’t even think about eating breakfast.
Every weekday morning, Crazy Aunt Hazel picked her up to drive her to school. Her mother and father always left the house super early to go to work, before Apple’s alarm clock even went off. This had been the arrangement for years. Apple wondered if it would stay that way once her aunt got married. She doubted it. It didn’t really matter. Lyon, Happy, or Happy’s sister, Sailor, would pick her up. Maybe she’d have to get her license—something that, unlike most of her classmates, Apple had put off. She would never admit it to her aunt, but she liked that Hazel drove her to school. She liked hearing her Crazy Aunt Hazel’s stories every morning. They had always made Apple feel sane in comparison.
“Apple, I need to ask you something very important,” Hazel said as soon as Apple jumped into the passenger seat.
Apple couldn’t hide her look of disbelief as she glanced at her aunt. She was in her pajamas! Flannel pink pajamas with little bunny prints on them. She looked about eight years old.
“No, I don’t think that’s a very good look for you,” Apple said sarcastically. “But the slippers are fantastic.”
“Ha ha. I’m so hungover,” her aunt groaned. “I don’t even remember getting home last night. There was no way I was getting dressed this morning. You’re lucky I even managed to get my head out of the toilet to come get you.”
“Hmm. Shocking. I wonder why you can’t remember anything? Oh, right, you drank a bottle of champagne all by yourself,” Apple teased.
“Stop being sarcastic. And don’t mention champagne. Don’t mention
anything to do with alcohol. It’s turning my stomach. But I was celebrating. Can you believe I’m getting married?” her aunt asked, squealing in delight, then rubbing her forehead in pain.
“No,” Apple said flatly. “I can’t.”
“Come on. You like Jim, don’t you? He’s so nice and he loves me so much and I just can’t get enough of him. I know he doesn’t look like a god, but trust me, in bed—” Hazel started to say, before Apple interrupted.
“God, Aunt Hazel! That’s my math teacher you’re talking about. Can you please have some respect for me! TMI! Too much information,” groaned Apple, covering her ears and shooting her aunt a disgusted look.
“Okay, okay. But anyway, I wanted to ask you something very important, if you’d just shut up for a moment and take your hands off your ears. And it has nothing to do with what I’m wearing right now. Are you listening?” her aunt demanded.
“Yes, yes. I’m listening,” Apple said.
“I want you and your mother—both—to be my maids of honor,” she said, biting her lip in anticipation of Apple’s reaction.
Although Apple wasn’t exactly sure what the duties of maid of honor were, she knew it was a very important job, especially for Hazel, who just a few months ago was in constant moaning mode that she’d never find a decent man, let alone a man she actually wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Apple was touched. She could tell how much her aunt loved her at that moment, and she felt herself tearing up with love.
“Of course I’ll be your maid of honor,” Apple said, grabbing her aunt’s hand and kissing it. “As long as you don’t make me wear one of those hideous purple puffy dresses.”
“Oh, you know I will! I can’t have my maids of honor looking better than me,” her aunt retorted.
Apple wasn’t sure if Hazel was joking or not. Her aunt loved to be the center of attention, so it wouldn’t be beyond her to make Apple and her mother wear something hideous just to look stunning in comparison. Apple didn’t press the issue. It was her wedding day, after all. She would dress in whatever her aunt wanted, no matter how ridiculous or hideous—even if it was covered in bunny rabbits.
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